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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding gift etiqeutte

131 replies

JaffaCake70 · 12/02/2022 09:34

Good Morning

A question that has probably been asked before:

Is is appropriate to ask for cash gifts for my wedding?

I'm 51, my partner is 47, we're getting married in May. We live together and don't need any household goods etc.

We really don't want anyone to waste money on items that we will probably just disgard at a later date due to lack of space.

I feel cheeky asking for money but it would come in very handy for our honeymoon spending money.

Is there a way of tactfully asking my guests for cash gifts? Should I add a little note to the invites or something?

I'm really not sure how to broach this, any advice and opinions would be much appreciated.

YABU - It's rude to ask for cash gifts.

YANBU - It's absolutely fine to ask for cash gifts.

OP posts:
YetAnotherUsernameToday · 12/02/2022 12:57

Asking for cash is definitely tacky. However if you don't ask for cash you'll probably get loads of cash anyway, plus some random cool gifts!

I'm so glad we didn't do a gift list or a stupid cash poem, as we had so many gifts I never expected, it was insane. And most of it was cash. So good luck with your wedding, if you just say no gift list, you are grateful for people's presence and they are welcome to get a gift I'd they desire, you'll have loads.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/02/2022 12:57

Its rude and particularly at your age it comes across as awful.

Poems set my teeth on edge they are that cringey.

PinkTonic · 12/02/2022 13:02

I don’t have an issue with a preference for cash for setting up home, but at your time of life and circumstances the only acceptable gifts to ask for if pressed would be a tree or rose for the garden or a charity donation. You can’t ask other people to subsidise your ‘honeymoon’, take a holiday you can afford.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 13:04

@Willyoujustbequiet do you not give anything to a wedding couple if they are over a certain age?

I may give something of a lower value to a couple who have been married before, especially if I had given a wedding present to at least one of them before, but I would still want to give something if I go to the wedding. Quite happy to give cash especially if it goes towards something tangible like a meal on the honeymoon

firstimemamma · 12/02/2022 13:04

Just don't ask for anything and you'll probably get money anyway. People will use their common sense and work out that money is the best gift if you live together etc. The poems are just awful!

MatildaJayne · 12/02/2022 13:23

[quote JaffaCake70]@bonetiredwithtwins First time for both of us[/quote]
Ooo, congratulations, OP. I hope you have a lovely day. 🎊

Starryskiesinthesky · 12/02/2022 13:27

I think it is tacky asking for cash. I would judge you!

LaChanticleer · 12/02/2022 13:32

I feel cheeky asking for money but it would come in very handy for our honeymoon spending money.

Good Lord! At 51 I’d be ashamed of myself if I had to ask friends and family for money for my honeymoon. I’d cut my coat according to my cloth.

Yes YABU and cheeky. How embarrassing for you to have to be subsidised at your ages.

LaChanticleer · 12/02/2022 13:37

We do not have a gift list because we already have everything that we need. If you would like to get us something, a gift or a small contribution towards our honeymoon would be gratefully received, but is in no way expected.

Hmmmm. Friends of mine wrote something like this, except instead of asking for cash for themselves, they nominated a couple of charities they supported, and which they hoped would benefit. I sent a generous donation in their names, whereas no way would I have given them cash. It’s tacky and embarrassing even to hint, let alone ASK.

vivainsomnia · 12/02/2022 13:38

We didn't ask for anything. We actually made a point of it. We really didn't want anything. Yet we did get quite some cash, so were very grateful but I didn't think anything negative if those who didn't at all, they did what we asked. We also some gifts, some personalised. Some we didn't care much about but we were grateful to have such lovely friends, presents, cash or nothing. It was their presence that was wonderful.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 12/02/2022 13:42

Say nothing, don't include a poem, don't ask for money. People will give you what they want to give and you can eBay unwanted items.

Don't plan to do things you can't afford.

morechocolateneededtoday · 12/02/2022 14:33

I tend to give more if there's no ridiculous verse and no order for gifts.

whereas no way would I have given them cash. It’s tacky and embarrassing even to hint, let alone ASK.

I don't get attitudes like this. If you are invited to a wedding, you must have a close relationship with the bridge or groom. So surely you are giving because you want to give and it has nothing to do with what is or is not written on the invite.

Give what you want because you want them to have it. If you are so offended by the talk of gifts that it has altered your view of them, you are better off declining the invite

CatJumperTwat · 12/02/2022 14:35

I'm 51, my partner is 47, we're getting married in May. We live together and don't need any household goods etc

Then you don't need wedding gifts. If anyone insists on a gift, have a charity to suggest.

DappledThings · 12/02/2022 14:41

In the end OP a lot of people (including me) massively appreciate a directive for gifts to take the trouble out of it and have zero.ussue with a collection for your honeymoon or vouchers pr anything else. And then you have a swathe of people who are weirdly uptight about it and think although they definitely want to buy a gift it is offensive to guide them in any way.

I think the latter are ridiculous and somewhat up their own arses but it pot luck which camp your guests fall in to.

merryhouse · 12/02/2022 15:19

@Crepusculum gift list with the invitation was the done thing. All my friends did that in the mid-nineties (apart from one couple who'd received most of an elderly relative's house clearance and asked us all to bring a food contribution to help them afford their big do).

We were probably the last gasp of "young couples just starting out" - and even we were saying things like "we've already got kettles and mugs, please buy us this particular china"

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/02/2022 15:50

@toomuchlaundry

Yes of course I would give a present at any age but it's the request/expectation that is grabby.

I'm getting married again in my 40s and I'd be ashamed and embarrassed to hell to ask for cash.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 15:54

@Willyoujustbequiet what will you to people if they ask what you want?

What do you think of cultures where giving cash is the norm? Would you refuse to give cash if you went to such a wedding?

sweatervest · 12/02/2022 15:54

poems asking for cash are hideous, imo.
someone once asked for cash with a yuck gimme gimme gimme gimme cash poem so i went the other way and got them a book which i wrote it so that they couldn't take it back (the gimme gimme gimme gimme poem OR the book).

ILikeItLikeThat21 · 12/02/2022 16:03

We didn't ask for cash but that's what we got. I think 3.5k. Everyone knew we had everything etc. I do think its cheeky to ask. I always give money but if I see silly little poems, id give less.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 12/02/2022 16:12

@LaChanticleer

I feel cheeky asking for money but it would come in very handy for our honeymoon spending money.

Good Lord! At 51 I’d be ashamed of myself if I had to ask friends and family for money for my honeymoon. I’d cut my coat according to my cloth.

Yes YABU and cheeky. How embarrassing for you to have to be subsidised at your ages.

Absolutely agree with this.

It’s beyond rude to ask people to fund a honeymoon you can’t afford. Awful. You cannot mention gifts in an invitation to a wedding.

Toottooot · 12/02/2022 16:14

In the real world it’s perfectly reasonable. This place is not the real world so you will have posters seething and shaking with rage at the very suggestion.

DappledThings · 12/02/2022 16:14

You cannot mention gifts in an invitation to a wedding
Apart from the fact that people having been doing so as standard for decades. I do find the preciousness about this both bizarre and hilarious.

CatJumperTwat · 12/02/2022 16:15

In the real world it’s perfectly reasonable

In "the real world" people are too polite to tell you what they're really thinking.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 12/02/2022 16:17

@DappledThings

You cannot mention gifts in an invitation to a wedding Apart from the fact that people having been doing so as standard for decades. I do find the preciousness about this both bizarre and hilarious.
The standard has always been you sent an invitation with no mention of gifts. If asked by guests, you forwarded the Registry. If you don’t need gifts, you don’t need cash (apart from the cultures where cash gifts are the norm).
DappledThings · 12/02/2022 16:25

The standard has always been you sent an invitation with no mention of gifts. If asked by guests, you forwarded the Registry. If you don’t need gifts, you don’t need cash (apart from the cultures where cash gifts are the norm).
Not in a long time it hasn't. Gift registry info or similar has been standard for years and years.

Nobody needs gifts or needs cash. Giving gifts at weddings or birthdays isn't about need, it's about doing a nice thing and most people have come to the realisation that both the easiest and nicest thing is to give whatever the couple want. Whether that is a toaster or a contribution to their honeymoon or to a charity or anything else.

Even my mother who is in her 70s and an absolute stickler for all kinds of obscure points of etiquette in relation to weddings and other occasions thought it was brilliant wen she received her first wedding invitation in decades a few years ago and it included a link to a website where various elements of a honeymoon could be "bought". Because it is straightforward and simple.

Like I say, bizarre and hilarious how het up people get about this and insist on the ridiculous dance of invitation pretending presents are expected 3ven though everyone knows they are.