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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding gift etiqeutte

131 replies

JaffaCake70 · 12/02/2022 09:34

Good Morning

A question that has probably been asked before:

Is is appropriate to ask for cash gifts for my wedding?

I'm 51, my partner is 47, we're getting married in May. We live together and don't need any household goods etc.

We really don't want anyone to waste money on items that we will probably just disgard at a later date due to lack of space.

I feel cheeky asking for money but it would come in very handy for our honeymoon spending money.

Is there a way of tactfully asking my guests for cash gifts? Should I add a little note to the invites or something?

I'm really not sure how to broach this, any advice and opinions would be much appreciated.

YABU - It's rude to ask for cash gifts.

YANBU - It's absolutely fine to ask for cash gifts.

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 12/02/2022 11:25

We didn't ask for anything and most of our guests gifted us cash. We always gift cash when attending a wedding also.

Christmas1988 · 12/02/2022 11:26

I don’t think you can ask for money but if you have everything you need already why don't you just say ‘no gifts’ put a blanket ban on all gifts.

sheiselectric · 12/02/2022 11:27

I think it comes across grabby specifying money. Most people will just give you money anyway. I asked for no gifts and no money as we knew people have had a difficult year but all but one guest gave us cash.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 11:27

@user47000000000 do you not give a gift when you go to a wedding

ANameChangeAgain · 12/02/2022 11:29

Baffled by all the comments on this thread about older brides/couples deserving less. I’ve usually given cash but never considered the age of a couple as a reason to give less! it isn't about deserving, its about etiquette. An older established person can't ask someone younger or their own age for money, the same way as it isn't appropriate to give parents and grandparents cash for Birthdays.

Elieza · 12/02/2022 11:30

I like baby jelly’s idea too OP, I think youve made the right choice.

If nobody mentions gifts I’d presume I’d look stingy if I didn’t take one so I’d go get something. Then the bride and groom would have to look at whatever picture frame or whatever I bought or feel guilty giving it to charity.

Much better to state clearly no gifts OR vouchers reqd, your company in our special day is more than enough.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 11:30

@ANameChangeAgain what world do you live in?

ANameChangeAgain · 12/02/2022 11:49

@toomuchlaundry the real one. Perhaps a less grabby version than the one we are in today. For the record I would never turn up empty handed as I previously said, but equally would consider a request for money in op's circumstances rude.

peboh · 12/02/2022 12:06

@ANameChangeAgain

Baffled by all the comments on this thread about older brides/couples deserving less. I’ve usually given cash but never considered the age of a couple as a reason to give less! it isn't about deserving, its about etiquette. An older established person can't ask someone younger or their own age for money, the same way as it isn't appropriate to give parents and grandparents cash for Birthdays.
This is bogus. I always gift my nana cash for birthdays and christmas. She has no need for presents, she's in her 70's and there is nothing physical you can buy her that she doesn't already have. So we gift her cash to book days out, that's what she wants to do with her time. We don't book specific places, because she like to pick and choose when the mood fancies. So she always has cash that has been gifted that she keeps tucked away for when she's ready to book somewhere new.
Gizacluethen · 12/02/2022 12:14

I don't understand why mumsnet is so against this. In my area its a perfectly normal thing to do.

I think maybe in circles where people have a lot of money it may be frowned upon. The whole "we don't talk about money!" Thing. I'm from NE England and I don't know anyone that finds this offensive. "We don't have a lot of money or space, instead of wasting your little money on shit we're going to give to charity raffle just give us a fiver please if you must give anything." 🤷‍♀️

user33323 · 12/02/2022 12:16

Don't ask. Nearly everyone will give cash anyway.

CaptainMal · 12/02/2022 12:17

Entirely understand not wanting/needing kettles or toasters. Why not pick a charity and ask people to donate to that instead, if they really want to do something?

ANameChangeAgain · 12/02/2022 12:19

@peboh fair enough, I don't know what you mean by bogus, but if that's the norm in your family and you all do the same with the understanding that its so she can have a treat day then of course its fine. In my family my parents or grandmother would be a little offended if I gave them cash, but my siblings and I will often club together to buy something they want, which is the same thing really.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 12/02/2022 12:21

Hmm. Don’t mind giving cash but I don’t really like the poems. I’d expect to give cash to an older/second/third time around couple anyway, the expectation is that that’s have all the household items they need anyway. I usually do a bottle of bubbly and an accompanying cash, of varying amounts depending on how close I am to the couple.

Out of interest, I’m not planning to get married, but it could be on the horizon much (MUCH!) later on. I love the idea of charity donations, amd I have a particular charity that’s very close to me. Wondering what people’s views are of receiving that information…would that be ok to include in the invitation, or would it still be considered presumptuous and better to wait to be asked? Just musing the point…😊

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 12/02/2022 12:27

@bonetiredwithtwins First time for both of us

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 12/02/2022 12:34

OP don't over think this. Say that you prefer a contribution. Those that want to will and those that don't want. They will like you the same either way.
Wishing you and your partner a happy future togetherSmile

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2022 12:35

@TwoBigNoisyBoys, it's fine to specify it in the invite.

A most people in RL, if not all give a wedding present. It's a pain to buy something, so most would rather give cash. It doesn't matter if the couple are older, we give gifts as part of the celebration. I don't know anyone who enjoys random champagne, it's such a waste of money.

A lot of the etiquette around gift giving needs to come into the modern world.

LiberteEgaliteBeyonce · 12/02/2022 12:38

@Darkstar4855

Baffled by all the comments on this thread about older brides/couples deserving less. I’ve usually given cash but never considered the age of a couple as a reason to give less!
👆this. As other have said, cash is fine but the poem bit is naff in my opinion.
PinkSyCo · 12/02/2022 12:40

I think any one with any sense will guess that, at your ages in your situations, you are probably not going to need a toaster or a kettle and will stick some money in a card without you having to ask/write a stupid poem.

JustJam4Tea · 12/02/2022 12:43

I think it's fine. We said no presents. In 40s and husband's second wedding. Seemed unfair to ask half the guests to contribute again..

We got cash from people and some small thoughtful gifts and a lot of bottles of champagne....and nothing from some people who took it at fave value. Which was all fine. Half the guests had also paid a lot of money to get to the wedding.

The link to the buy a bit of a hidsy website sounds like a good idea...

Yuckypretty · 12/02/2022 12:44

It's fine to ask for cash. You could put a nice poem in with the invitations saying something like no gift is needed but if you insist then we'd appreciate money.

Something like this....www.treeofhearts.co.uk/rustic-wedding-charm-gift-poem-card?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIzMXX_Jf69QIVhbHtCh3SDghNEAQYBCABEgJMKPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Also be prepared for a few to ignore that and get you a gift. But thats not so bad since it will be a tiny number so the gifts will be a novelty.

Hesma · 12/02/2022 12:46

We said we didn’t want gifts which was true. We never asked for cash but a lot of people gave us cash or JL vouchers

Moody123 · 12/02/2022 12:46

Ohh I like the poems ! I'd rather give cash to be honest!
And if people want to buy you gifts, they still actually will ... it's your wedding, why worry about what people think?

peboh · 12/02/2022 12:50

[quote ANameChangeAgain]@peboh fair enough, I don't know what you mean by bogus, but if that's the norm in your family and you all do the same with the understanding that its so she can have a treat day then of course its fine. In my family my parents or grandmother would be a little offended if I gave them cash, but my siblings and I will often club together to buy something they want, which is the same thing really.[/quote]
I mean it's bogus to call it appropriate or in appropriate. As you've stated, norms are different in every family. There is no such thing as appropriate or inappropriate gift giving within confines of personal boundaries.

girlmom21 · 12/02/2022 12:52

@Moody123

Ohh I like the poems ! I'd rather give cash to be honest! And if people want to buy you gifts, they still actually will ... it's your wedding, why worry about what people think?
If you don't care what your guests think don't bother inviting them.

Your attitude is shit.

Getting married doesn't mean you disregard everyone else.