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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send cat joke to friend who had elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago

138 replies

dizzydizzydizzy · 12/02/2022 07:29

I am in a WhatsApp group with 3 friends. We send each other cat jokes - cartoon type things that you might find on a birthday card. One of them who I am very close to has been very annoyed with my recently but I don't know why. (I have asked). She sent me a very angry text message last week and has generally given me the cold shoulder. The same person had her elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago, after a long and happy life. She has messaged the group back to say not to send her cat jokes because they are too upsetting and she can't even walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket without crying.

YABU = sending somebody a cat joke 5 weeks after the death of a cat is insensitive
YANBU = the upset is being used as a stick to beat me with and has more to do with her campaign against me than any genuine inability to cope.

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 12/02/2022 10:15

@svara what a ridiculous argument. So if you expect your parents to die before you you wouldn't be upset because it's expected.

Also some people have a deeper relationship with their animals that you seem to. Not everyone has a cat shaped hole that is easily filled. Everyone is different.

IsItTooHotInHere · 12/02/2022 10:16

yabu

DelorisVC · 12/02/2022 10:17

I’m really sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad op.
I doubt you need any extra stress or unnecessary drama at this point in your life.

nettie434 · 12/02/2022 10:19

One of them who I am very close to has been very annoyed with my recently but I don't know why. (I have asked). She sent me a very angry text message last week

So are you saying that she is using the cat joke to criticise you but is actually annoyed about something else? As your friend won't even tell you what the problem is, then it's impossible to know. Perhaps it's because she felt you weren't sympathetic enough about the death of her cat in the first place?

I'd apologise to the group for upsetting her. If you want to keep up the friendship I'd send her some flowers and a card saying you're sorry. If you don't, then I'd just carry on as if there's nothing wrong (avoiding cat jokes) because that's all you can do if someone won't tell you why they have upset you.

lucythejuicy · 12/02/2022 10:19

It depends on the joke?

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 12/02/2022 10:20

I really don't understand why you can send a joke about cat, knowing they recently lost their cat. That's truly insensitive. How could you? Really shocking, tbh.

Svara · 12/02/2022 10:24

[quote Keepitonthedownlow]@svara what a ridiculous argument. So if you expect your parents to die before you you wouldn't be upset because it's expected.

Also some people have a deeper relationship with their animals that you seem to. Not everyone has a cat shaped hole that is easily filled. Everyone is different.[/quote]
I never said you wouldn't be upset. If you lost a child, for most people it would be much much harder than losing a parent in their 80s. My grandmother is 87 and I will miss her terribly when she goes, but I know it will happen. If I lost a parent at an early age or my 15 year old that would be completely different. I do think you mentally prepare yourself for losing an elderly parent or an older cat.

That's just speaking about expectation and mental preparation, I don't personally equate human lives with cat lives, though I recognise that some do.

Wednesdayafternoon · 12/02/2022 10:24

Value your friend more then the joke.
Whether or not any of us think it's unreasonable, she's upset and grieving and has asked you all to stop.

Elieza · 12/02/2022 10:26

It would have been better:

for her to withdraw from the group (although if she doesn’t have much company that would isolate her further and she’ll already feel lonely having lost her companion of presumably many years and any true friends wouldn’t want this).

OR

To ask the group please not to send cat memes to her as she’s still grieving but happy to get other memes

OR

for the group to decide, enmasse without being told, to not send cat memes for a few months and send dog ones or something instead until she starts coming through her grief.

When a companion of a long time is suddenly there no more it’s very sad. Some peoples pets are like their fur babies to them. They love them more than their actual family!

I’m a suck-it-up-and-get-on-with it type of person and the death my cat really threw me for many months and is still ongoing. It can really hit you hard. No matter how professional and stoic you try and be.

LampLighter414 · 12/02/2022 10:29

Send her some Minion jokes as an apology

StScholastica · 12/02/2022 10:30

YABVU

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 10:34

I sent someone a dog joke and their elderly dog died later that day. To make it even worse the joke was aimed at her dog specifically. She found it funny but then later that day it died. I felt awful

Svara · 12/02/2022 10:34

Also some people have a deeper relationship with their animals that you seem to.
I also don't think this is fair. I loved my cat and I still miss her. I buried her myself in my garden and she has primroses planted on her grave. Adopting our two new rescue cats did help a lot though.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 10:35

God almighty, it's sad to lose your OWN pet but a cartoon of a cat is not that hard to deal with surely.

I would just say ''so sorry'' and back away away, two large steps backwards.

Sometimes people's reaction is disproportionate to what you actually did. Even if what you did was thoughtless, shaming you and demonising you for it on purpose is worse imo.

So you're entitled to NOT collaborate in a dynamic where you're shamed for something you never intended be hurtful.

She's entitled to meet you stepping back of course.

Hopefully over time it all settles.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 12/02/2022 10:39

you're no friend if you think that was acceptable.

3luckystars · 12/02/2022 10:39

Walking down the cat aisle on ‘auto-piglet’ has really made me laugh. Thank you so much x

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 12/02/2022 10:40

saleorbouy
^YANBU. She's an adult and needs to get over her loss. There a bigger issues in many people's lives and they manage to carry on.
She sounds a bit over sensitive to me.^

Blimey. Hope you don't have pets. They're sentient beings and you bond with them. Unless you come from the Zouma school of thought.

BertramLacey · 12/02/2022 10:40

My Dad died recently. I wouldn't have been upset about generic Dad jokes. But that is just me.

I'm sorry for your loss OP but that was quite the drip feed when things weren't going your way.

The thing with losing an animal is you get elements of conflicted grief. As you can see from some of the responses here, people expect the grief to be less, because it's not a human you've lost. So you tend to have to downplay what you're going through. Added to which, you'll have had to make a decision either to put the animal down or not to, despite its suffering. Either of those brings guilt. Either you were responsible for killing an animal you loved, or you left it to die in pain.

A cat can be with you for around two decades. They can be your daily companion. They are the one consistent thing as friends and family get on with their own lives, they're just there and present for you. It tends to be a less complicated relationship than a relationship with a human, in which there may be disagreements and arguments. So the grief whilst different, is powerful.

You're both grieving OP, just in different ways. Be kind to each other.

Nietzschethehiker · 12/02/2022 10:43

I think you were a bit insensitive but you don't need the stocks that you seem to be put in. It probably was a bit unwise but you apologised. She's kicking out because she's grieving and will later realise she reacted a bit harshly. Best just to leave it to settle for a while. Just one of those that everyone involved git it slightly wrong but it doesn't sound like there is malice. It will blow over.

Losing a pet is hard and means something different to everyone. So it was a misjudgement of how she felt.

A pp is beyond ridiculous and offensive that its like losing a child though. No it's absolutely not and that stupid rhetoric needs to dissappear fast.

TheOnlyMrsMac · 12/02/2022 10:45

YABU

ilovesooty · 12/02/2022 10:47

@saleorbouy

YANBU. She's an adult and needs to get over her loss. There a bigger issues in many people's lives and they manage to carry on. She sounds a bit over sensitive to me.
Charming.
Original poster
dizzydizzydizzy · 12/02/2022 10:58

@Nietzschethehiker

I think you were a bit insensitive but you don't need the stocks that you seem to be put in. It probably was a bit unwise but you apologised. She's kicking out because she's grieving and will later realise she reacted a bit harshly. Best just to leave it to settle for a while. Just one of those that everyone involved git it slightly wrong but it doesn't sound like there is malice. It will blow over.

Losing a pet is hard and means something different to everyone. So it was a misjudgement of how she felt.

A pp is beyond ridiculous and offensive that its like losing a child though. No it's absolutely not and that stupid rhetoric needs to dissappear fast.

Thanks @Nietzschethehiker . Agreed
OP posts:
Sprucewillis · 12/02/2022 11:06

YABU why would you do that?

Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2022 11:07

I think YABU, you may feel that her reaction is extreme but people grieve in different ways, some take a lot longer than others to get over losing their pet, it doesn’t make any difference how long it lived for.

When I had my dog put to sleep I couldn’t look at photos of her without crying and found it hard to be around other dogs for a few weeks, my dog was elderly but died suddenly and unexpectedly. I have a cat who is getting old, he means so much to me, because of his age he has been through a lot with me and is always by my side, I’m sure when he passes away I will be upset for a while.

Maybe apologise to your friend? Just because you don’t feel that you would grieve that way it doesn’t make it wrong that she is.

Livpool · 12/02/2022 11:18

Going against the majority here and say YANBU - she needs to get a grip. Or leave the group chat if she is so sensitive