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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send cat joke to friend who had elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago

138 replies

dizzydizzydizzy · 12/02/2022 07:29

I am in a WhatsApp group with 3 friends. We send each other cat jokes - cartoon type things that you might find on a birthday card. One of them who I am very close to has been very annoyed with my recently but I don't know why. (I have asked). She sent me a very angry text message last week and has generally given me the cold shoulder. The same person had her elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago, after a long and happy life. She has messaged the group back to say not to send her cat jokes because they are too upsetting and she can't even walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket without crying.

YABU = sending somebody a cat joke 5 weeks after the death of a cat is insensitive
YANBU = the upset is being used as a stick to beat me with and has more to do with her campaign against me than any genuine inability to cope.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 12/02/2022 07:31

YABU

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 12/02/2022 07:32

YABU.

It wasn't a Kurt Zouma cat joke, was it?!

Scautish · 12/02/2022 07:33

YABU

PostThenGhost · 12/02/2022 07:33

YABU.

NewYearCalavicci · 12/02/2022 07:33

YABU.
Give her more time to come to terms with the loss of her cat.

cuno · 12/02/2022 07:33

It's not insensitive is it unless the jokes are about cats dying, which certainly sounds like they're not those kinds of jokes! But it's fair for her to say she could do without them at the moment and then people can avoid them for the time being. But I don't think it's fair for her to be so angry about it. I don't know anything about this campaign against you, why she is mad at you, what angry text she sent you last week etc so I can't comment on that part.

TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 07:33

YABU - she is grieving, her emotions are likely to be all over the place and who knows what could be making it harder for her. You don't sound very supportive

Player001 · 12/02/2022 07:34

YABVVVU

It's been a bit over a year since my elderly cat passed on and I still get upset thinking about him or seeing cats that look similar.

That being said, if this group only communicates about cats then your friend should remove themselves until they feel ready to receive those things again.

Pembertonrd · 12/02/2022 07:34

When my cat died I was very upset for a while.
It depends on the cat joke.
5 weeks is a long enough gap imo but everyone is different.
Some people enjoy the condolences and sympathy.
I'm more the get on with life person.

Linguini · 12/02/2022 07:35

Sorry, I would absolutely listen to your friend here and hold off on the cat jokes until she's ready.
I think you should also apologize and check if she's coping alright. There are seven stages of grief. She's obviously really upset about her cat.

cuno · 12/02/2022 07:35

Sorry I just reread it and doesn't sound like she said it angrily. I think I mixed that part up with the part about the angry text so I don't think she is unreasonable at all, and like I said I can't comment on the campaign/angry text part as you have not explained that at all.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/02/2022 07:36

Yabu. Losing a pet is incredibly hard for most people.

Also 5 weeks ago is basically new year... january is an incredibly depressing month at the best of times, so it really tough time of year for them.

You sound like you don't like your friend.

Linguini · 12/02/2022 07:39

On another note, in your OP you've implied you think she's weaponising her cat's death to make you feel bad?
I think you need to drop that idea unless there's a gigantic back story. It really is most likely to be grief.

thegcatsmother · 12/02/2022 07:47

YABU. It takes a long time to get over the death of a pet, especially if they have been with you a long time.

WelliesWithHeels · 12/02/2022 07:53

Is there more background or context regarding her "campaign against you" possibly?

GiantSpider · 12/02/2022 07:56

We need to know more about her campaign against you. Does this pre date the cat joke?

Goneblank38 · 12/02/2022 08:00

I don't think you're unreasonable.

You didn't realise the extent of her grief and shared a cat joke, which it seems is the whole point of your WhatsApp group.

She should have excused herself from the group earlier if she thought receiving the jokes would be upsetting.

I'd respect her grief now and reach out to see if she's okay generally.

londonrach · 12/02/2022 08:02

Yabu there's no time limit on grief

pilates · 12/02/2022 08:02

YABU

Goodbyecustardtart · 12/02/2022 08:04

YABU

Walkingalot · 12/02/2022 08:05

YABU - cut her some slack, she's obviously still very upset. However, there sounds a little more between you than this if she messaged you personally and then the whole group.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/02/2022 08:07

YABVU.

SarahJessicaPorker · 12/02/2022 08:08

YABU

Vallmo47 · 12/02/2022 08:11

Really?!! You need to ask. Of course YABU.

godmum56 · 12/02/2022 08:12

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