To send cat joke to friend who had elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago

[dizzydizzydizzy]

I am in a WhatsApp group with 3 friends. We send each other cat jokes - cartoon type things that you might find on a birthday card. One of them who I am very close to has been very annoyed with my recently but I don't know why. (I have asked). She sent me a very angry text message last week and has generally given me the cold shoulder. The same person had her elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago, after a long and happy life. She has messaged the group back to say not to send her cat jokes because they are too upsetting and she can't even walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket without crying.

YABU = sending somebody a cat joke 5 weeks after the death of a cat is insensitive
YANBU = the upset is being used as a stick to beat me with and has more to do with her campaign against me than any genuine inability to cope.

Well there you go, she’s being manipulative.
Why do you think she has a campaign against you atm?

Can you elaborate more on why you think she’s running a campaign against you? There seemed to be some real anger on your part on the YNBU section

Am I the only one who wants to see the cat joke?

Yabu.

I’m really confused. Do you think the angry texts etc are about the cat jokes, or unrelated? Is she angry for another reason, you don’t say.

If you have a WhatsApp group that’s basically about sending cat jokes then she should take herself out of it. If it’s your chat group and you send the occasional cat meme then yes, hold off the cat memes for now if she has asked you to do so.

But I wouldn’t think sending a cat meme to a WhatsApp group in which one of the recipients had lost a cat over a month ago was poor form, unless they had previously told you not to.

Once they have said they don’t want cat memes it’s obviously unreasonable to send more.

@Sausagis

I'm confused. Did you send the cat joke THEN she said don't send cat jokes (YANBU) or she said don't send cat jokes then you sent her one anyway (YABU)?

I wouldn't think to avoid mentioning cats generally to someone whose cat died 5 weeks ago. Fair enough for them to still be upset but if they want that level of people being careful around them they need to request it.

@Sausagis

I sent the joke and she replied afterwards to the group that it has upset her due to the death of her cat. Before I sent the joke, she hadn't mentioned anything about no cat jokes etc.

' . . . she can't even walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket without crying.'

Sounds like the sort of hyberbole favoured by drama llamas. Why walk down it, then?

YABU, if someone had sent me a similar dog joke after I had my elderly dog put to sleep I’d have been really upset.

I imagine she is genuinely struggling with the loss of her cat. It doesn't matter that it lived a good long life , she will still be grieving.

My cat is 13 and I'm dreading him going into a decline. The whole family will be devastated when his time comes because he is such a loving cat and a massive part of our family.

Then I'm sticking with YANBU

As I said, I'd never think to avoid all mention of a species over a month later.

If she doesn't have another cat why is she walking down the pet aisle? I've been a bereaved cat owner and never felt the need to do this when I was catless.

Yabu. I lost my elderly cat 2 years ago just before Christmas. She was put to sleep, but it wasn't a nice few hours before that as she was in distress. She lost control of her lower half of her body - due to pressure on her spinal cord caused by an inner ear i fection that just didn't clear up. I sat stroking her for about 2 hours to calm her as she kept trying to get up (but couldnt). We had to book the out of hours vet, which caused a delay. If asked, we would tell people she died of old age. Still upsets me, just typing that. Just saying, as you may not know the full details of her cats death and the hours preceeding it. So maybe avoid the jokes as she has told you she is not ready, and ask how she is. Mine was 19, and she was a family member.

Is it a big ask for her to not get cat jokes yet? Is she a friend or not?

And perhaps she thought she would be ok, or hadn't even considered it, but then saw it and had an unexpected reaction. Just like sering something can remind you of a dead relative out of the blue. So perhaps you weren't bu, but know you've been made aware, you can be sensitive about it. And walking down pet food aisles in supermarkets- maybe she went that way by habit, or there were needed products on the other side. Mine used to have pet stuff one side, household (like bin bags and cleaning stuff the other), so not that odd.

@LetHimHaveIt

' . . . she can't even walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket without crying.'

Sounds like the sort of hyberbole favoured by drama llamas. Why walk down it, then?

Maybe she has another cat!?

When my cat died, it really hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.
I wouldn't be sending cat memes to someone who had recently lost their cat.

YABVU

and to be honest I can't believe you have to ask-everyone grieves differently but I think a bit of care for your friend would not be too much to ask

I think maybe she feels like you don't know her as well as you ought? We know the loss of pets affects different people in different ways, so for a person you didn't know very well perhaps it'd be excusable. But this is your friend. Presumably you knew how close she was to her cat? If so, I'd say it was poor judgement on your part, certainly. I have an aunt whose dog is her baby, and I'd no sooner send a dog joke to her a month after her pet died than I'd send a baby joke to someone whose child recently passed. It's about reading the room and, on this occasion, you've failed to do so.

YABU about the cat jokes. Losing a cat or dog is for many like losing a family member, and such jokes can be very distressing in this case.

@Dibbydoos

YABU it's completely insensitive - our pets are our family, its like losing a child. Get over yourself and quickly. I'd apologise profusely.

It can be absolutely devastating to lose a pet. It’s nothing like losing a child.

OP has apologised.

'Maybe she has another cat!?'

Waiting for this.

Balls. I had three cats at one time. When one was killed, visiting the cat food aisle was simply for the purpose of buying food for the other two, not some kind of 'charged' act: just as, when my dad died, I didn't tear up in supermarkets thinking 'My dad used to eat food . . . '. And when the last cat died, I simply didn't visit that aisle.

I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time, OP.

And a cat is not a child.

@Dibbydoos

YABU it's completely insensitive - our pets are our family, its like losing a child. Get over yourself and quickly. I'd apologise profusely.

What an appalling thing to say

@LetHimHaveIt

'Maybe she has another cat!?'

Waiting for this.

Balls. I had three cats at one time. When one was killed, visiting the cat food aisle was simply for the purpose of buying food for the other two, not some kind of 'charged' act: just as, when my dad died, I didn't tear up in supermarkets thinking 'My dad used to eat food . . . '. And when the last cat died, I simply didn't visit that aisle.

I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time, OP.

And a cat is not a child.

This is the problem with stuff relating to mental health and well-being. Lots of people can't get past the idea that, just because something is not a problem for them, that doesn't mean it isn't a problem for someone else.

@Dibbydoos

YABU it's completely insensitive - our pets are our family, its like losing a child. Get over yourself and quickly. I'd apologise profusely.

It is in its arse. FFS! That's hugely insensitive to people who have actually lost a child.

It is not like losing a child. Jesus.

I agree that you’re getting a unnecessarily hard time over this OP. I’d be annoyed with a friend who carried on like that and I say that as someone who is looking at three beloved cats as I type.
She’s either full of herself or got it in for you. No rational adult expects to be handled with mind-reading kiddie gloves. I would politely apologise for the ‘offence’ then duly note her behaviour and stay wary.