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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send cat joke to friend who had elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago

138 replies

dizzydizzydizzy · 12/02/2022 07:29

I am in a WhatsApp group with 3 friends. We send each other cat jokes - cartoon type things that you might find on a birthday card. One of them who I am very close to has been very annoyed with my recently but I don't know why. (I have asked). She sent me a very angry text message last week and has generally given me the cold shoulder. The same person had her elderly cat put to sleep 5 weeks ago, after a long and happy life. She has messaged the group back to say not to send her cat jokes because they are too upsetting and she can't even walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket without crying.

YABU = sending somebody a cat joke 5 weeks after the death of a cat is insensitive
YANBU = the upset is being used as a stick to beat me with and has more to do with her campaign against me than any genuine inability to cope.

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 12/02/2022 09:52

One of the ways in which I know people are my friends is their disinclination to campaign against me. What does her campaign consist of?

newnameforthis76 · 12/02/2022 09:54

So, she had already been annoyed with you about something completely different, and texted you privately about that, but you think her message to the whole WhatsApp group asking for no more cat jokes in general is part of a ‘campaign against you’?

Jeez. She’s upset about her cat. Just because you can’t see why that is, it doesn’t mean her feelings aren’t real. You’re being ridiculous.

user1477391263 · 12/02/2022 09:54

The OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here!

It's not like she emailed a cat meme to her friend or posted a cat postcard to her.

There is a group where EVERYONE is posting cat memes and that is the purpose of the group .The friend in question chose to stay in the group and then proceeded to get upset about people using the group for its actual purpose. Weird.

Any normal person would have quietly exited from the group, or perhaps exited after posting something like "I'm going to take a bit of time out of the group. As you know, I lost Socks a few weeks back and it's all a bit too much to see all these cat pictures. Hope to catch up with you on Facebook instead" or something.

The friend sounds like she is enjoying being a drama llama, frankly.

drpet49 · 12/02/2022 09:55

She sounds like a complete drama queen. Can’t walk down the cat aisle at the supermarket? Why would she need to walk down there anyway if her cat is dead Hmm

Prescottdanni123 · 12/02/2022 09:56

When my dog died, sometimes I could look at dog jokes/photos of the same breed, and other times seeing them would make me upset depending on whether I was having a good or bad day grief wise. So maybe when she saw your joke, she was feeling sad about her cat at the time and she ended up asking for no cat jokes to be posted for a while.

WinnieMac · 12/02/2022 09:57

I think YABU to be in a whatsapp group and to send "memes" - but otherwise, YANBU. It's a cat, not a child.

Guacamoleontoast · 12/02/2022 09:57

Losing a much loved pet can be devastating, it's nothing to joke about.

WinnieMac · 12/02/2022 09:57

And, yes, I have had animals and have been completely poleaxed when they died. But not so much that I'd expect the world to stop for me.

Chloemol · 12/02/2022 09:57

YABU

BunnyRuddington · 12/02/2022 09:59

YABVU.

3luckystars · 12/02/2022 09:59

Why would she be walking down the cat aisle anyway now.

She’s just upset. Don’t be hard on yourself as everyone is different, but I would apologise for upsetting her and put it behind me.

LetHimHaveIt · 12/02/2022 09:59

I don't think that at all, thanks. But I recognize that there are, for want of a better term, 'social yardsticks', which only allow our problems to affect others to a certain degree. Laws surrounding noise nuisance, for instance, don't suit me at all, because I fucking hate people who play music in their garden at any time. And I suspect they don't suit night workers. But they seem to suit most of the population, so I muddle along. And most employers give time off for the death of a relative (and give more or less depending on the degree of consanguinity) and not for pets. Because most people feel more for a person with whom they: shared DNA/a language/years and years of life experiences; could recount stories of childhood; could share a joke; could sob on a shoulder; could go on holiday; could see a film; could buy a house . . . than a cat. So, no - I don't think peculiar over-sensitivity to the death of a cat should allow a woman to intentionally be a dick to someone who wasn't intentionally being a dick to them.

Juniper68 · 12/02/2022 10:00

Your friend needs help if she can't even walk down a cat food aisle.

Is she a close friend?

middleager · 12/02/2022 10:00

YABVU.

Squirrelsbizaare · 12/02/2022 10:00

Has she actually asked in the group for people to stop posting, or has she just said the joke About a cat has upset her.
If it's the latter, surely that's when the friend group step in and express a bit of sympathy, or support. It's a loss and she is still grieving.
I can't see how you have taken from that, she has started a campaign against you ?

saleorbouy · 12/02/2022 10:01

YANBU. She's an adult and needs to get over her loss. There a bigger issues in many people's lives and they manage to carry on.
She sounds a bit over sensitive to me.

Juniper68 · 12/02/2022 10:01

@3luckystars

Why would she be walking down the cat aisle anyway now.

She’s just upset. Don’t be hard on yourself as everyone is different, but I would apologise for upsetting her and put it behind me.

I thought that. Unless she has other cats?
IncompleteSenten · 12/02/2022 10:02

Sending her cat jokes is insensitive whether or not she is annoyed for some other reason too.

ThirdElephant · 12/02/2022 10:08

@LetHimHaveIt

I don't think that at all, thanks. But I recognize that there are, for want of a better term, 'social yardsticks', which only allow our problems to affect others to a certain degree. Laws surrounding noise nuisance, for instance, don't suit me at all, because I fucking hate people who play music in their garden at any time. And I suspect they don't suit night workers. But they seem to suit most of the population, so I muddle along. And most employers give time off for the death of a relative (and give more or less depending on the degree of consanguinity) and not for pets. Because most people feel more for a person with whom they: shared DNA/a language/years and years of life experiences; could recount stories of childhood; could share a joke; could sob on a shoulder; could go on holiday; could see a film; could buy a house . . . than a cat. So, no - I don't think peculiar over-sensitivity to the death of a cat should allow a woman to intentionally be a dick to someone who wasn't intentionally being a dick to them.
That's the issue though- the social yardstick doesn't work for mental health and, especially if someone is close to you, it's generally best practice to be mindful of people's individual quirks and sensitivities. For example, I've a friend who's extremely needle-phobic, so I don't mention any needle-involving medical procedures in a group in which she's present. Because her comfort is important to me, despite the fact I don't personally understand her feelings on the matter. If I decided that the social yardstick means it shouldn't be a problem for her and therefore decided to conduct myself as if it weren't a problem for her, I would be the dick, as you put it.

As lots of PP have shown- sensitivity around the death of a pet is fairly common. Just because you don't get it, that doesn't mean it's irrelevant or peculiar and can be safely ignored. If this friend of OP was very close to her cat, I'd expect OP to have been able to work out that this might not be the time for cat jokes.

LethargicActress · 12/02/2022 10:08

YANBU. There must be other things going on in this woman’s life that either mean she is over reacting to the death of her cat, or she has some other reason for not being able to cope with something so normal.

Svara · 12/02/2022 10:09

@Dibbydoos

YABU it's completely insensitive - our pets are our family, its like losing a child. Get over yourself and quickly. I'd apologise profusely.
No, it's not even close to the same. You get a cat expecting it to live 15 years, knowing you will lose it. You don't expect that your child will go before you. I was very sad when we lost our cat at only three as I'd thought I had another decade or more, but even then I would never compare it to a child! We waited 10 weeks then got new cats. They didn't replace the cat we lost but they filled the cat shaped hole in our lives.
Juniper68 · 12/02/2022 10:12

Like losing a child! Shock How scary to even think that.

username1293948 · 12/02/2022 10:12

Yabu. If someone tells you something upsets them, don’t then try and PROVE that it doesn’t Confused

Keepitonthedownlow · 12/02/2022 10:13

YABVU she is grieving and will likely be for some time!!!!

DelorisVC · 12/02/2022 10:14

Loosing a cat is not like loosing a child. In no way shape or form.
I did however really struggle with the loss of our cat. It was so much harder than anyone in my family imagined it could be.
I hated walking past the cat food aisle because it reminded me she was gone. Especially if I went into auto piglet and wandered down there automatically.
I don’t think you’ve been too insensitive though. It sounds like a genuine mistake and I don’t you deserved an angry response from her.