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Original poster

Tinder Swindler - victims should accept some accountability

343 replies

sometimespeopletakethepiss · 11/02/2022 21:03

I can completely understand how these ladies could have fell for this guy BUT what I don't understand is the lack of accountability for their poor judgement.

In my life I would never, ever lend money to anyone unless it is money I could afford to lose - and if I did I feel like I'd have to own it as my own poor judgement.

AIBU to think the ladies should repay the money themselves or declare bankruptcy, not setup a 'go fund me' page and take it as a lesson learned?

OP posts:
cuno · 12/02/2022 08:34

@DrSbaitso

I just know bankruptcy would be my only option in that situation.

Well there you go...you'd do it because you had no other option. If you did potentially have other options, it would be foolish not to look at those first.

Making money on the story seems sensible to me, if you can stand the public response. The production company and Netflix are making money out of your content, why should you provide it for free?

No of course they shouldn't provide it for free, I am not sure why you think I believe that as I didn't ever say that! So it's pointless asking me why should they do that for free when I don't agree with that in the first place, I don't have a reason to give for them selling it for free because they shouldn't!
Original poster
sometimespeopletakethepiss · 12/02/2022 08:36

I think some people here have entirely missed the point of my OP. I actually do understand how these women were conned. Genuinely, I get it and have empathy for that part of the story.

What I'm saying is that they still have to take accountability for THIER actions. That is the issue here, accountability nowadays seems a thing of the past.

Just because they were conned it doesn't mean we should ignore the fact they made unwise decisions that contributed to them being in the position they're in.

To say that's victim blaming is a real problem for our society because it means anyone who is a victim of anything we shut down - therefore cannot learn from it so that other people don't do the same. It's like shrugging off their poor judgement out of fear of being called a victim blamer and it's not right.

'Victim blaming' is basically shutting anyone down from taking any accountability.

The guy in the documentary was an evil man yes, but that doesn't mean the women shouldn't take responsibility for their bad decision making - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 12/02/2022 08:39

No of course they shouldn't provide it for free, I am not sure why you think I believe that as I didn't ever say that!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you said that. I was just hooking on to another point someone made earlier...a kind of "hmmm" about the victims doing deals about their stories. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

User135644 · 12/02/2022 08:39

But still, why is that only the woman's fault? If a man tries to impress with his wallet, he's clearly scoping for a certain kind of deal, so why is it only the woman who deserves scorn and derision if she becomes part of it?

Of course the man involved is judged, he was sent to jail and the documentary is about 'the swindle'. The women involved wanted a lavish lifestyle funded by a man, when they got conned there will be some derision.

sammylady37 · 12/02/2022 08:40

@sometimespeopletakethepiss

I think some people here have entirely missed the point of my OP. I actually do understand how these women were conned. Genuinely, I get it and have empathy for that part of the story.

What I'm saying is that they still have to take accountability for THIER actions. That is the issue here, accountability nowadays seems a thing of the past.

Just because they were conned it doesn't mean we should ignore the fact they made unwise decisions that contributed to them being in the position they're in.

To say that's victim blaming is a real problem for our society because it means anyone who is a victim of anything we shut down - therefore cannot learn from it so that other people don't do the same. It's like shrugging off their poor judgement out of fear of being called a victim blamer and it's not right.

'Victim blaming' is basically shutting anyone down from taking any accountability.

The guy in the documentary was an evil man yes, but that doesn't mean the women shouldn't take responsibility for their bad decision making - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

I couldn’t agree more op. Those women absolutely should look at their roles in engaging with this con and enabling it. So should others and it should act as a warning to others.
camperqueen54 · 12/02/2022 08:41

Victim blaming! It's ok the police , courts and newspapers are all on your side too!

DrSbaitso · 12/02/2022 08:42

The guy in the documentary was an evil man yes, but that doesn't mean the women shouldn't take responsibility for their bad decision making - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Well, presumably the bank won't reimburse them if it agrees with you, and nobody has to donate to the GoFundMe if they don't want to.

What does "taking responsibility" mean in this context? What should they be doing?

Shitsexsucks · 12/02/2022 08:44

I kinda think we are now being swindled by the swindlees. I think they'd planned the gofundme before doing the documentary, hoping that we'd feel sufficiently sorry for them and part with our hard earned.

I absolutely do feel sorry for them but that doesn't cancel out their absolute stupidity. If something looks to good to be true, it probably is.

DrSbaitso · 12/02/2022 08:49

I kinda think we are now being swindled by the swindlees. I think they'd planned the gofundme before doing the documentary, hoping that we'd feel sufficiently sorry for them and part with our hard earned.

Well yes, that seems most likely. They need money and this is an obvious way to earn some. No reason Netflix and the production company should make money out of them and not give them any.

I don't see why it's "swindling". What's dishonest about it?

sammylady37 · 12/02/2022 08:50

What does "taking responsibility" mean in this context? What should they be doing?

Not setting up a go fund me and expecting others to pay for their stupid mistakes? Accepting that it’s up to them to clear their debts or reach some sort of agreement with their banks, as unpalatable and difficult as bankruptcy may be?

Georgieporgie29 · 12/02/2022 08:52

I do feel for the victims, they were naive and had the wool pulled over their eyes by him.

He, however, is another level. What a creep! He’s obviously good at what he does after years of practice! I’m astounded that he’s still out there now and there isn’t really any punishment for him.

What I want to know is how has he got all of this money now? And why could the police not make him pay the girls back with all of the proof they had?

And what about the mother of the child who was one of his victims that took him to court and then became one of his ‘staff’ to help him swindle other girls? Where is she now and what was her part in all of this?

DrSbaitso · 12/02/2022 08:54

@sammylady37

What does "taking responsibility" mean in this context? What should they be doing?

Not setting up a go fund me and expecting others to pay for their stupid mistakes? Accepting that it’s up to them to clear their debts or reach some sort of agreement with their banks, as unpalatable and difficult as bankruptcy may be?

Why not set up a GoFundMe? They're only asking and nobody has to donate if they don't want to.
Justtobeclear · 12/02/2022 08:56

When I watched it I thought the same OP. What I also couldn’t understand is that they seemed to have no regard for their own safety. He appeared to be a dangerous person - he was portraying the life of a man involved in a very dark world and yet they never really seemed to worry about how safe THEY were. They got on planes and went places with him after they knew how volatile his life was which seemed so careless.
I don’t think it’s victim blaming to expect them to take some responsibility for the decisions they made. Getting on a private jet with a man you’d literally just met was stupid. Even her friends were telling her that!
Being a woman should not absolve you of responsibility when you’ve made obvious mistakes that come very real consequences.

Spidey66 · 12/02/2022 09:01

Although I felt sorry for them, yes they were extremely niave at best. Taking large loans after a month is insane. Its not the scenario where he invites you for dinner, genuinely forgets his wallet, you pay and he then takes your bank details and transfers the money when you get home. We're talking thousands here!

Dibbydoos · 12/02/2022 09:02

They were vulnerable. It sounds to me like many posters and the OP have never felt vulnerable then....

God so many people judging others who do you yhink you are?

I'm sure all the victims are still.bkaming themselves too when it wax all him. Full stop

You are being extremely unreasonable OP.

Mumoblue · 12/02/2022 09:05

There’s a whole lot of “I’m not victim blaming/excusing terrible male behaviour BUT-” in this thread. Wink

It’s a weird thread, OP. You’re not obligated to donate to them, but to imply that they shouldn’t ask for help because “they contributed to their position” is mean-spirited at best.

sammylady37 · 12/02/2022 09:07

Why not set up a GoFundMe? They're only asking and nobody has to donate if they don't want to

Because in doing so they’re avoiding taking responsibility and ownership of the stupid decisions they made and of their poor judgement and the fact that they were dazzled by dollar signs, and instead they’re playing up to the stereotype of poor trusting naive vulnerable helpless women who just wanted to be loved (but not by jobless no-hoper guy, only by billionaire guy) who now need other people to bail them out. If they had stood on their own feet in the first place, supported themselves and not hoped to get someone else to bankroll the lives to which they aspired, they wouldn’t be in this situation. But they appear to have learned very little from their experience. (Or a cynic could say they learned a lot as they are now the ones taking the piss and getting money for nothing from others)

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 09:10

Wow, some anonymous donor just donated £2,500 !!
I was having a look. IN the most recent few donations, there is one for a fiver and then that anonymous one.

sammylady37 · 12/02/2022 09:12

@Dibbydoos

They were vulnerable. It sounds to me like many posters and the OP have never felt vulnerable then....

God so many people judging others who do you yhink you are?

I'm sure all the victims are still.bkaming themselves too when it wax all him. Full stop

You are being extremely unreasonable OP.

I think ‘vulnerable’ is one of the most overused words today. It’s an excuse for all sorts of behaviour. I was in a vulnerable position. They took advantage of my vulnerability. What in particular made these women vulnerable? We’re they poorly educated? Living in penury? Had they zero friends:family/social supports? Were they mentally ill or did they have special needs?

I don’t think wanting a relationship makes somebody automatically truly vulnerable. If that’s the case, every person genuinely seeking a relationship on dating sites is vulnerable and should their capacity be called into question? Indeed, a good chunk of the population would be vulnerable by that definition, in which case the playing field is levelled anyway.

(I await a post asking “who are you to decide what makes someone vulnerable??!!”)

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 09:13

Average donation 50 euro?
[wow]

DrSbaitso · 12/02/2022 09:14

@sammylady37

Why not set up a GoFundMe? They're only asking and nobody has to donate if they don't want to

Because in doing so they’re avoiding taking responsibility and ownership of the stupid decisions they made and of their poor judgement and the fact that they were dazzled by dollar signs, and instead they’re playing up to the stereotype of poor trusting naive vulnerable helpless women who just wanted to be loved (but not by jobless no-hoper guy, only by billionaire guy) who now need other people to bail them out. If they had stood on their own feet in the first place, supported themselves and not hoped to get someone else to bankroll the lives to which they aspired, they wouldn’t be in this situation. But they appear to have learned very little from their experience. (Or a cynic could say they learned a lot as they are now the ones taking the piss and getting money for nothing from others)

They've done something stupid, it's cost them dearly and now they're asking if anyone who is of a mind to do so would help them out. It's harming and pressuring nobody.

The idea outrages you for reasons that are to do with you, not them. I can't blame them for choosing practical help even if it also sparks your moralistic ire.

Sowhatifiam · 12/02/2022 09:15

ultimately you have to protect yourself and make wise decisions to avoid these scenarios and I just don't feel like any accountability whatsoever was accepted by the victims

Clever old you, always making wise decisions. Hope that never comes back to bite you, eh?

I haven’t seen it but accountability for being abused in some way, ripped off, robbed, a should always lie with the person doing the abusing, ripping of,robbing. Not with the victims.

Theluggage15 · 12/02/2022 09:16

Of course you can blame them! This idea of shouting victim blaming and no word must be said against them is just silly. It’s basically saying that people have zero responsibility for themselves, which is just another type of con, and it often seems to apply to women rather than men.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/02/2022 09:19

Watched it last night - a bit of an eye-opener for me.

I’d have thought that anyone so easily and instantly seduced by photos of flash cars/flash lifestyle, must be a bit thick, but those women didn’t fit that idea.

I once read of an interesting sort of reverse of this. Woman who ran a dating agency (personal, not online) had a man register who was wealthy, with his own successful business, but who for obvious reasons didn’t want that fact to be evident at first.

Woman who ran the agency asked one of his first dates how she’d got on with him.
‘Oh, I did really like him, but I won’t be seeing him again. I couldn’t date any man who drives such a boring ordinary car.’ (Or words to that effect.)

The bloke had used one from his own firm’s car pool, rather than his own, considerably flasher one.

Dd1 had a friend like this - the bloke’s car was all-important, never mind how nice he might be. She had some utter arsehole boyfriends - but they all had flash cars.

QuirkyTurtle · 12/02/2022 09:20

I donated to the GoFundMe. Creating a GoFundMe doesn't mean they're not taking responsibility for their role in this. I got the vibe from the documentary that they absolutely did realise how idiotic they had been.

But they're in massive amounts of debt with nothing to show for it because of some evil cunt who deceives women for fun and gets away with it.