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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF won't approve engagement...

454 replies

beesknees18 · 11/02/2022 20:01

Hi all

Bit of a back story - DF and I have been friends for 15 years. Two years ago her DP proposed to her after 1.5 years together - due to get married this October.

My DP and I have been together 8 years and have 2DC together, and have recently started discussing our engagement (no proposal yet, but things have been put on hold due to babies/careers/money).

I approached DF and said how DP has started asking me for ring ideas, and we were going to view some rings, just so DP got an idea of things that I didn't like and did like.

DF said she didn't want to hear about it until after she was married.

DP approached her recently and explained that he found a ring he thinks I'd love and wanted her opinion - DF refused to look at it and told him he needs to wait until she's married before even considering one. He then asked her what about December, as that's our anniversary month, and she told him she'd prefer it if there was a "cool down" period after her wedding.

DP has reluctantly told me what's happened, but I'm glad he has as it's made me question whether she is crossing a line or I am. I haven't seen the ring (he's spoken to my sister who is, in her words, "saying yes for me😂).

AIBU for feeling like DF is being a bit dramatic thinking only she can be engaged at the moment? DP wanted to propose this month but won't now because of her reaction, even though it would be 8 months until she got married and a good 2 years before we did!

I would understand if I was engaged and actually planning my wedding a week after hers but it's purely the proposal DP had approached her over!

Or should I tell DP to wait to propose until January 2023 so that I'm definitely not treading on anyones toes!

Thanks all! Sorry if it's confusing!

OP posts:
Radziwill · 11/02/2022 20:46

She's being ridiculous. It has absolutely no bearing on her wedding that someone else is engaged -- and even if it did, she would still have no right to dictate other people's lives.

That being said, I do think it's a bit weird to stage a "proposal" when you've already agreed to get married. If I knew someone who kept talking about their upcoming fake proposal, I'd think they were an attention-seeker. Playing devil's advocate, I wonder if that's what's really bothering her.

LaurenKelsey · 11/02/2022 20:47

I think you need to throw together a big wedding for September!

Regularsizedrudy · 11/02/2022 20:47

Well this is mental

Summersnake · 11/02/2022 20:48

Your all crazy and as bad as each other
Wtf would your dp even ask her opinion.
She’s far to involved in your lives
Stop giving her so much power
Assuming,your not all still age 9

Original poster
beesknees18 · 11/02/2022 20:48

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

When we got engaged my bff did say she was worried he wasn't enough for me. Then we carried on as we were but the friendship faded fast after the wedding. As in a few weeks.. Be prepared for things to never be right between you op.
I can already see this happening I'm afraid, she's made me feel really guilty for even thinking about getting engaged whilst she's planning her wedding.

I'm sad to think we might fade, but also, I think true friends should celebrate each other - no matter what the other has got going on

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/02/2022 20:48

I wouldnt worry too much about being bridesmaid, I suspect that you will be swiftly demoted once you have a ring on your finger. After all, that one sparkler on your finger will STEAL HER THUNDER and RUIN HER SPECIAL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave the self absorbed idiot to stew, this is not friendship.

LadyPropane · 11/02/2022 20:48

She is being a really shitty friend right now.

Was she always a great friend, and it's only now she's wedding planning that she's suddenly turned into such a dickhead? If that's the case, then maybe it's worth hanging on to the friendship in the hope that she turns back into a normal person after her wedding, and apologises for being such a twat. You could take a step back, not engage much, smile and nod, and then wait and see how she is after the wedding.

However, if she wasn't a great friend even before the wedding planning, then maybe it's time to end the friendship. Sometimes it can take something like this for us to realise that a "friend" isn't really much of a friend at all.

notagainnotagain · 11/02/2022 20:49

You are all bonkers. Just agree to get married, go to buy a ring together if you want to, then get married. Why is your friend even involved?

oblada · 11/02/2022 20:50

It's completely bonkers. She is not a friend. Having said that i don't even understand your whole engagement business: both you and your partner want to be engaged, why do you have to wait for him to officially propose for it to happen?

pickingdaisies · 11/02/2022 20:50

Cool down period hahahaha
She's nuts. Ignore. Even better, wind her up a bit!
Seriously, you can't put your own lives on hold to pander to this nut job.

Original poster
beesknees18 · 11/02/2022 20:51

@SunshineCake1

Do you want to marry a man so wet as to cancel or postpone his proposal plans because of some bridezilla ?
This made me chuckle 😂😂 he's definitely not wet, he just knows I'm a very passive person who will avoid confrontation wherever possible! So I really do appreciate him taking the time to ask for her opinion on a ring, as she has been a sister to me, and then coming to me with her response.

I think he's going to agree with all of you, and maybe become very left handed over the next few months!

OP posts:
Sunnyday321 · 11/02/2022 20:51

Tbh she is so batshit crazy , announce your engagement AT her wedding !

mummykel16 · 11/02/2022 20:52

Set up a just giving page to raise money so you can have an outrageous out of this world wedding, before zilla gets married, do consult her on the honeymoon in Hawaii tho

FOJN · 11/02/2022 20:53

Before DF got engaged she sent me the exact ring she wanted and made sure I sent it to her now fiancé. She was involved in the entire thing, down to the date she got engaged. She is very bridezilla...

She's a control freak, you need to make a stand or she'll be holding the threat of a tantrum over your head for every life decision you make that she doesn't approve of.

MimiSunshine · 11/02/2022 20:53

Is she planning children? Tell her she cannot POSSIBLY even THINK about them until yours are fully grown.

She is nuts and not a true friend.

torquewench · 11/02/2022 20:54

Have I misunderstood something here? Youre an adult but think you need your friends permission to get engaged, and your partner is showing her some rings?

whynotwhatknot · 11/02/2022 20:54

shes not a friend-selfish twat id be ecstatic for you

cool down period my arse

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/02/2022 20:55

Your ‘friend’ needs to dial down the batshit!

2bazookas · 11/02/2022 20:56

DF sounds utterly nutty. Not to mention egocentric, controlling, and manipulative.

Make your own plans to suit you and DP.

Oddbobbyboo · 11/02/2022 20:57

Blimey, your friend is proper Bridezilla ain’t she!
YANBU!!!! She should be so excited for you ♥️
Tell your DP to plan away…. Only good times ahead 🥰

Original poster
beesknees18 · 11/02/2022 20:57

Thank you all for your responses. I know how ridiculous it sounds but I do hold her very close to my heart and have always said to DP how she would be the person to go to if he wasn't sure on a ring, as she's known me for so long and I've been showing her rings since we were in our early 20s!

I understand her excitement for it all, and I don't want to take that away from her, but she's making it so difficult at the moment. I just know for a fact that if I got engaged prior to the wedding that would be it - and I would have the finger pointed at, but, like you all say - is that a true friend??

DP has just got home and I've told him I've got some light reading for him 😂

I'll start painting my nails!

OP posts:
girafferafferaffe · 11/02/2022 20:57

She's actually bonkers

GrandTheftWalrus · 11/02/2022 20:58

My ex-sil was like this, if it was a year of a "big" thing then only 1 big thing was allowed to happen. Like a family member milestone birthday was the only thing in that year. Or if a wedding then no engagement etc.

Didn't stop her getting engaged 3 months after my wedding Grin I didn't give a toss about things like that. And clearly she changed her mind as well announcing her pregnancy the day before her sil wedding which I thought was a bit mean.

WinnieMac · 11/02/2022 20:58

@Bonbon21

Didnt think you were allowed to get married when still in primary school.....
This.

OP, this is beyond ridiculous. If you have been together 8 years and have two DC, then a proposal is the very least of your problems. You need to forget all the proposal shit and get married very, very quickly.

Your friend is utterly irrelevant.

Thatsplentyjack · 11/02/2022 20:58

Why are you both approaching her so often about something that has sweet fuck all tk do with her?