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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 11/02/2022 13:40

This reply has been deleted

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CatJumperTwat · 11/02/2022 13:40

The obsession with exclusive breastfeeding in this thread is so Mumsnet. About 1% of babies in the UK are EBF at six months.

SoMuch2Say · 11/02/2022 13:42

She’s trying and failing to keep her life as it was before. I’m pregnant, know nothing about children and reading my first baby book - I am slowing realising how different my life is about to become. I think your friend is in denial and her hubby carrying on as normal is probably making that harder for her. She might be lonely and making these plans with you hoping it will be ok and when it comes to actually leaving she can’t.

RJnomore1 · 11/02/2022 13:42

Oh god she sounds incredibly tedious.

I’d lovely to see a study looking at correlation between women who can’t leave their baby with dad and women whose partners can’t look after their child alone at a later stage.

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 13:43

@CatJumperTwat

The obsession with exclusive breastfeeding in this thread is so Mumsnet. About 1% of babies in the UK are EBF at six months.
And it sounds like OP's friend might be one of them...
Original poster
DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 13:44

@BoredZelda

And she presumably knows this, so why make plans that don't involve the baby if she's unwilling to leave her with anyone else?

Because then you’d be whining that you never get to see your “friend” any more since she had a baby.

What makes you say that?
OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 11/02/2022 13:44

I agree op. Either daytime meets with the baby or evenings without. When my dc were little those evenings out were so precious, time to catch up with a friend. You can't do that with a baby to attend to.

Laiste · 11/02/2022 13:44

So - have we heard yet if OP has ever actually asked her friend if the DH is prepared to look after his child?

MerryMarigold · 11/02/2022 13:45

YANBU OP. I went to a friend's spa day when my twins were about 4 months old. I left them with dh and parents. They had bottles. I drove quite a long way there and back. The worst thing was my boobs were very sore and I had to express in the shower to get rid of milk! But I had a brilliant time. I think clingy mums are a bit cringey! You need to have your own life too and your mental health will thank you for it.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 13:46

@Hellolittlestar

If and when you have kids of your own, you will read back at post and cringe.
No reason why she should at all. I think her friend is being unreasonable, despite me having had two babies that I exclusively breast fed.

I didn't arrange nights out that I couldn't actually do, and I didn't ignore my friends for the entire time I was with them, at whatever time of day.

I could have written a similar OP when a couple of my friends had babies, and I'd have looked back at it when mine were six months old and still been happy with it.

Sailor2009 · 11/02/2022 13:48

@DropYourSword

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change

I said this too. What a fucking idiot I was then!

Yeah I said this as well. The delusion was strong with me
fishyfishyfishy · 11/02/2022 13:49

YANBU at all OP.
It is especially upsetting when all your friends have babies at the same time and the baby-cooing is the only social activity you get with any of them. Then once the babies are walking they all disappear off together to soft play and have mummy and baby days out leaving you high and dry…

… bitter? moi? Maybe just a bit.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 13:49

@Trinacham

As someone who has a 3 week old I feel YABU. I'm breastfeeding so I can relate to not being able to leave baby. I could express (eventually) but it's my choice, as it is your friend's.
But presumably you're not contacting your friends and asking them to come on a night out with you?

Did you actually read OP's posts?

MargaretThursday · 11/02/2022 13:49

@CatJumperTwat

The obsession with exclusive breastfeeding in this thread is so Mumsnet. About 1% of babies in the UK are EBF at six months.
If she is choosing the exclusively breastfeed then that's her choice rather than a mn obsession.

OP: I had 3 dc who breastfed. One fed beautifully every 3-4 hours and was totally happy in between.
One was totally random. So might have a day when they wanted a feed less than every hour, and another day where they were every four hours, and another day where they did every 30 minutes for the morning, then didn't want anything until six o'clock at night.
And then my other was about every 2-3 hours generally, but during a growth spirt could be pretty much permanently attached!

You can immediately see which one I could go out for a meal leaving behind!

But one thing I'm wondering. Is your friend picking up your impatience with the baby? Because if she's trying to get confidence up to come out for an evening, then she's not going to do it with someone who doesn't show they understand if she gets a call saying the baby's hysterical that she will have to go.
So she might be feeling that it's better to have the baby with her/only go for an hour, than be in the situation where she needs to go home to baby and you're being cross about it or trying to stop her.

Original poster
DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 13:50

@Laiste

So - have we heard yet if OP has ever actually asked her friend if the DH is prepared to look after his child?
DF speaks very highly of her DH and says he is being very supportive and hands on with the baby. No indication at all that he's unwilling to pull his weight. Things aren't 50/50 because she's not working and he is, but he bathes the baby, puts her to bed etc.

It was him who was keen on having the baby, and she was more reluctant. Her worry was that, whilst he enjoyed the idea of it, she'd end up doing the actual work. But so far she hasn't complained that that's what's happening, so I can only take her at her word.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 11/02/2022 13:53

@FreakinFrankNFurter

It would really annoy me that she'd suggest dinner and drinks and then it turn into juice in family type place.

Next time she suggests dinner and drinks, be all enthusiastic about it and how much you're looking forward to it. Then if she changes her mind at last minute again and wants to bring the baby, tell her that as its no longer convenient for her to do what was planned take a rain check and suggest meeting for coffee or brunch one morning
instead

Depending on how frequently you have met up in the past over the last 6 months or so, I'd start doing what @FreakinFrankNFurter suggests for a few times. At 6 months old, some (and I'm not speaking for all new mums or new babies here) mothers have already begun weaning their baby and some babies have already moved on to expressed breast milk so that the mum can get a few hours without baby, to do whatever they wanted to do. What I don't get is why her partner has to tag along too on these gatherings.

From what you've posted @DijfunvKd, she comes across as very insecure in her new role as a mum. At least that is the impression I'm getting.

Laiste · 11/02/2022 13:53

So have you asked her directly if/why she doesn't leave the baby with him?

zoeFromCity · 11/02/2022 13:54

I'm not sure how man posters read at least through the OP.
YANBU for being annoyed that she makes child free night out plans with you and then turn them to with a child.
Depending on how close friends you are, maybe worth a chat? Maybe she genuinely hopes she will be able to do it child free, but the plans (like leaving the child with it's father) never stick? Maybe she considers the current evening meetings format the best approximation of night out she can afford?

No harm done by being happy to see her and wanting more clarity on what the plans are, as the evening one are somehow confusing.

Laiste · 11/02/2022 13:54

I'm just thinking if the relationship has come to you being this pissed off with her you might as well ask her outright (but nicely of course) what her thinking process is.

It might help you decide if this is temp or permanent for eg.

oakleaffy · 11/02/2022 13:54

@DropYourSword

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change

I said this too. What a fucking idiot I was then!

Me too😂! A baby won’t change anything

Haaaahahaha!
How naive was I

@DijfunvKd
I too resented my friend bringing her ( very sweet good natured) baby with her, but only as i wanted friend to focus on ME!

I feel differently now, of course.

babyjellyfish · 11/02/2022 13:55

@CatJumperTwat

The obsession with exclusive breastfeeding in this thread is so Mumsnet. About 1% of babies in the UK are EBF at six months.
My son was EBF at 6 months but he would take a bottle of expressed milk. I left him for the first time (with my MIL) when he was 6 weeks old to go and get a pedicure. I think the first time I went out for drinks in the evening was when he was 6 months exactly, and I've done it about once a month since then.

I agree with the OP that if her friend doesn't feel able to leave her baby for a couple of hours in the evening, they should stick to lunches until she does feel ready.

Original poster
DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 13:55

Is your friend picking up your impatience with the baby? Because if she's trying to get confidence up to come out for an evening, then she's not going to do it with someone who doesn't show they understand if she gets a call saying the baby's hysterical that she will have to go.
So she might be feeling that it's better to have the baby with her/only go for an hour, than be in the situation where she needs to go home to baby and you're being cross about it or trying to stop her.

I think I could get on a megaphone and announce how utterly boring I find her baby and she wouldn't have a clue what I'd said. As it stands though, I don't, of course, do that. I play the part you're obliged to in cooing over and talking about the baby.

OP posts:
Mmmmmmbop90 · 11/02/2022 13:57

I think your friend could do without friends like you

Drunkpanda · 11/02/2022 13:57

Many men are really shit at taking their own baby for the evening. The babies aren't used to them and cry (more). It's distressing for the mother to leave with the baby crying and return home with them crying. I wouldn't say my dc grew out of this until they were about 4 sadly. In the early days it can also be physically uncomfortable with breasts engorging. Although I went out it was very much reduced, I'm glad my friends waited things out with me, as now with older dc I can be the one suggesting the evenings out

User1isnotavailable · 11/02/2022 13:58

She's breastfeeding a baby. YABU