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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 11/02/2022 13:26

Don't agree to any more of the evening plans. Say 'let's do lunch or coffee as I know evenings are hard with baby being so little'. If she tries to insist, point out all the last minute changes and say 'look, I can see evenings out don't work for you at the moment and that's fine, but it's just best to know what we're doing if advance'.

If you want to keep the friendship, I'd put up with boring lunches for now - it will change in time - but draw the line at evenings so you don't get increasingly annoyed at the wasted evenings.

HeyItsPickleRick · 11/02/2022 13:26

YANBU and I'm sat here breastfeeding my 7 week old. I don't make childfree plans then turn up with a baby and leave early or just talk about the baby the whole time. How boring.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 13:27

@Millionairesshortbreadshort

She’s probably hoping that she can leave the baby but then for a number of possible reasons she can’t. Be patient. Baby has to come first. You need to talk to her about this in a kind way. Being a new mum is hard. I understand your frustration but please be kind and patient. Until you have a baby its impossible to know what it will be like.
While the last line might be true, I hate it being trotted out to non-parents. Apart from being excluding and othering, you have no idea whether their child-free status is by choice. And if it's not then it's an awful thing to say to them.
BABAHOTEL · 11/02/2022 13:27

@babyjellyfish

I think she has a DH problem. If the baby is old enough to go to Wetherspoons she is old enough to be left with her dad for a few hours.
How so? Some babies refuse bottles?
megletthesecond · 11/02/2022 13:27

I expect her DH is a pain in the arse and won't look after his own child.

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 13:28

[quote Flippydip]@Somethingsnappy you express and bottle feed. I can't believe any mother gets to 6 months without being away from her baby at all. By that age surely most mothers are preparing to get back to work.[/quote]
And if mother or baby can't or don't want to bottle feed? Have you not heard of exclusive breastfeeding?

MabelsApron · 11/02/2022 13:28

@saraclara Agree.

SoftPillow · 11/02/2022 13:29

Sounds like you miss your old friendship, I can't blame you for this.

I would stick with lunches, and say 'I appreciate evenings are hard for you at the moment. Let's stick to lunches and when you're able to make an adult only evening let me know and we can let our hair down'

6 months isn't very long, her life has been flipped upside down. You should hopefully find your old friend back once she's settled and baby is more independent

(That said I was desperate to get adult only time in and was out for dinner/drinks at 8 weeks but obv not everyone is the same)

saraclara · 11/02/2022 13:29

@MabelsApron

I have to say that I don’t see this getting better either. The friends I had that morphed into this sort of person were the ones who thought their kids were miraculous and unique at every age. The cooing in the pushchair became singsonging to the toddler about everything in the cafe became monologuing about their reading/toileting/early signs of genius etc. Or they’d have another baby and there’d be cooing AND singsonging and monologuing…

I didn’t realise until now how much spending almost a decade in the company of this had annoyed me. Grin

Ha ha!

It annoys me too, and I had kids alongside some of those people!

Hellolittlestar · 11/02/2022 13:30

If and when you have kids of your own, you will read back at post and cringe.

CocoPancakes · 11/02/2022 13:30

YANBU. Parents tend to think everyone else will automatically want to spend time with their kids. If SHE suggested a child free night out, she should make it a child free night out. Even if she only wants to leave her baby for an hour or two. If she doesn't want to do that, that's totally cool, she just shouldn't keep suggesting it.

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/02/2022 13:31

Not wanting to do things because of the baby is fine.
Arranging to meet up and changing plans is understandable sometimes but not every time.
Being unavailable to you while sat with you is not fine.

Half of me thinks give her a break, I remember how it feels. Half of me thinks that you should distance yourself for a bit. If she changes the plans just say, ‘sorry I can’t’.

ThirdElephant · 11/02/2022 13:31

@drpet49

* It annoys me clearly my diary for the night out that she says she wants, which inevitably turns into a juice at a Wetherspoons for a hour. If that's what she wants to do, then just say that, so I know I have the rest of the night free. It's so frustrating.*

^I don’t think you are being unreasonable. That would annoy me too

I agree. I voted YABU originally, but changed my mind after this update.
Babyg1995 · 11/02/2022 13:31

I have 3 kids and this would annoy me if it was all the time.

Trinacham · 11/02/2022 13:32

As someone who has a 3 week old I feel YABU. I'm breastfeeding so I can relate to not being able to leave baby. I could express (eventually) but it's my choice, as it is your friend's.

Footballschmootball · 11/02/2022 13:33

At 6 months I definitely couldn’t have left baby for the evening as she still fed a ridiculous amount at that point.

Branleuse · 11/02/2022 13:33

Have you asked her if you can have a child free meet up next time?
If she says oh ill need to bring the baby, could you say, aw, maybe we could rearrange for when you are free as it feels like forever since we could properly catch up with no distractions.

anon12345678901 · 11/02/2022 13:35

YANBU. I'm a mum and if I didn't want to leave my baby I wouldn't be going out for dinner to a pub in the evening. I wouldn't do any dinners with her OP if she's always going to bring the baby along, and leave after an hour. What a waste of your evening.

Daphodils · 11/02/2022 13:35

YANBU - other people's babies are very dull, and forcing them into social occasions is pretty unreasonable.

The reason why no one wants to spend the evening with a drunk is because they want to be the centre of attention, but are incomprehensible and boring - we often say they're like babies. So are babies!

ScrumptiousBears · 11/02/2022 13:36

I get it OP. I also get fed up of one of my friends always arranging a catch up then brings the BF. Sometimes you just want to see your friend. I also made sure I got to see my friends without the DCs. Let's face it we all need a break sometimes.

stuntbubbles · 11/02/2022 13:37

@Footballschmootball

At 6 months I definitely couldn’t have left baby for the evening as she still fed a ridiculous amount at that point.
Same. Fed two-hourly, plus was a bellend in the evenings and woke if I left the room Hmm

Mind you I wouldn’t have organised a single evening event at that point, not least because I was too knackered.

Canaloha · 11/02/2022 13:38

The most annoying thing sounds like plans are made that are baby free and then they're changed last minute- that would annoy me too!

DasAlteLeid · 11/02/2022 13:39

@Hellolittlestar

If and when you have kids of your own, you will read back at post and cringe.
Doubtful - I felt like OP does pre and post kids. Having a baby doesn’t give you a licence to be an inconsiderate bore.
BoredZelda · 11/02/2022 13:39

And she presumably knows this, so why make plans that don't involve the baby if she's unwilling to leave her with anyone else?

Because then you’d be whining that you never get to see your “friend” any more since she had a baby.

Canaloha · 11/02/2022 13:39

Sorry I read it wrong doesn't seem to be last minute changes.

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