To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

Would you not consider that she appreciates these meetings and continue them for her sake? I’m surprised you’re even on mumsnet since you sound so out of touch with being a mother to a baby in general and to a first baby in particular.

*Coke at Wetherspoons with baby.

To me it sounds like she wants to go out and do these things planned but then when it comes to it she can't leave baby.

@JessieLongleg

Wow some of the comments on here. This is why I'm getting a breast pump it's not just friends but I could get ill hide I'm the bedroom and let my husband feed the baby. What's the point of being on a relationship if you can rely on each other to give you a bit of space with friends. My best friend ent for dinner will a group of friends and all they spoke about was their babies and she said tell me of I get like that. I did and she said I wouldn't understand because not a mother two weeks after I found I was pregnant. The thing is work or family if you only do one thing it limits conversation. So going out with you self widens her conversation just like doing different things from partner does as well.

Great.You know some women can't express though? I can and I did but it's a pain in the arse so I didn't go on many nights out until baby was over 1.

@jrc2506

vm.tiktok.com/ZMLjP1NfL/

I'm just going to leave this here. Please. Watch it. And actually listen.

OP happily meets her friend with her child during the day though, it's when the friend makes evening plans and then changes them nearer the time, seems like OP is very supportive but also human, and it sounds annoying.

Also if a mum doesn't get to see their friends, go anywhere for themselves or watch anything on TV for them that's quite sad. I don't know anyone who did this.

@DijfunvKd the same thing happened with my BF and I when she had her first child she became such a baby bore. All she could talk about was the baby and I wasnt in the slightest bit interested in babies at that stage of my life as I was only 25 years old and still having fun. we also never met up again without her child being present.It totally changed our friendship. I wasn't interested in how many times baby rolled over, or how many teeth baby had coming through or what washing powder was best to wash babies clothes in it all totally bored the life out of me. I am now in my 40s and a mother myself but I have never become that baby bore and I love and prefer to be honest to meet up with friends without my children or their children present as its a break from motherhood and I think it's important to have some child free time. Me and my friend are still good friends but live in different parts of the country now but we were never as close after she had her first baby.

I can sort of see where you’re coming from but my DS is nearly 14 months and other than the odd appointment I’ve never left him. I have postnatal PTSD though so I’m very overprotective. I always tell my friends that he will be with me but I understand if they don’t want to meet with him being there. They have never asked me not to bring him and usually suggest baby/family friendly places

I feel for you, OP. I love my kids but I'm bored to death by other people's. Unfortunately, your friend may be lost to you. I've seen so many women become positively tedious post childbirth and barely able to hold a conversation about anything that doesn't revolve around their DC.

@DijfunvKd

I did not go out with DF last night, I met someone else.

I replied to DF’s last message about the baby wanting to see me with ‘ah bless her! I was really looking forward to going to X, so I think I’m still going to go. Let me know if your mum can look after the baby for an hour.’

Way to go, OP! 👍🏻 She will probably come out of this and be better company again. I think you have been very patient. I hope you will enjoy many great times with her in the future.

I think maybe you need to talk to DF and tell her that you know she enjoys the nightlife and that its unfair but please be honest with yourself baby is a part of her still and will be for some time. Tell her you’re willing to help her enjoy mumdom but the nights out will have to be nights in at hers. If Breastfeeding no wine so you’ll have to get creative with mocktails until she’s not breastfeeding anymore.

For a mum its hard to find out that your baby isn’t a fan of bottles when you previously thought any baby would drink from one. She sounds like she needs a cuddle and cake and mock tail with a good program like The Witcher or something. Make girls nights in worth her while. You’re a good friend, I hope things work out for you two.

I didn't go out without my little ones unless for work until they were 2 or 3. I wouldn't have gone out with a girlfriend in the evening with my bf baby, I do find that a bit odd.

[quote Teachertired92]@DijfunvKd This could easily have been written about me, do we know each other?! My baby, also born in august, goes everywhere with me! Also breastfeeding! I don’t arrange pub nights but if my friends were to suggest it I would probably see if I could bring her and explain I would have to leave early. Not only is it so hard to leave a baby who is breastfeeding (I struggle to express more than a couple of ounces) but I also have postnatal anxiety which causes panic attacks when I leave her. Could there be more going on with you friends mental health? Maybe she arranges nights with all intention of leaving baby but then gets upset and can’t do it in the end so brings her so she doesn’t let you down? Just another thing you could consider, although I know this isn’t the case with everyone[/quote]
Yes, absolutely. I tried to suggest this too earlier in the thread, when words like 'smug mummy martyr' were being bandied about...

It sounds like the friend likes the idea of a night out in theory, but perhaps just can't face it closer to the time. Although I do understand it must be frustrating to be on the receiving end of that, acknowledging that this is a possibility might help OP to feel less resentful.

Perhaps talking about your feelings gently, might prompt your friend to talk about hers too OP? It's definitely better to be honest to avoid resentment building up, and to keep the friendship. Many friendships do change or end after the birth of a baby.

@JessieLongleg you might want to start to get your head around the fact you may not be able to express, I wasn't whilst feeding 4 babies, or your baby may refuse a bottle 3 out of 4 of mine did, or you might get a baby that wants to be fed pretty much constantly like my second. Expressing is great if it works, in reality it doesn't always

Whether you have children or not Op is irrelevant. I have 3 children and would still find this annoying. Fair enough with the cooing over the baby thing if she invites you to her house but agreeing to an evening drink and dragging a baby along is unreasonable.

Time to be an understanding friend.
She probably didn’t want things to change regarding her life as an independent woman and she is probably itching to have her social life back but you can’t predict how you feel after having your first child.
Try to be understanding, as frustrated as you are, support her and your relationship will come back even better.

@Phobiaphobic

I feel for you, OP. I love my kids but I'm bored to death by other people's. Unfortunately, your friend may be lost to you. I've seen so many women become positively tedious post childbirth and barely able to hold a conversation about anything that doesn't revolve around their DC.

While this can be true, it'd be a shame to write the friend off as one of these just yet. 6 months postpartum is still so early.

Unfortunately you and your friend are not compatible anymore. Until you have a baby that refuses any sort of bottles and only wants breast, that you will sympathise. I was once in your shoes.

@Somethingsnappy True. Hopefully that will be the case. In my experience, it rarely is, sadly. I know plenty of people who bore on about their kids right up to the point where they have kids, then they bore on about their bloody grandchildren.

@Soundwave

I don't think the issue is really that she brings baby everywhere. OP has said she's happy to meet for lunch, in the day etc. But if her friend is asking to go out at night, it's not unreasonable to presume that the baby will not be coming along in the evening.

Next time she asks for a night out, just be polite and say its probably not ideal with the baby, shall we do XY and Z instead.

This.

I’m not ‘young’ and I have a lot of kids but this would piss me off too.

Lots of people seem to be missing the key point that OP is more than happy to see friend during the day with baby and has done plenty of times. It's the friend arranging stuff for the evening to keep saying oh i will have to bring baby. Its a bit unfair to insinuate she is a bad friend, or to be posting something condescending about not understanding blah blah blah.

@gogohm

You are delusional basically. Breastfed babies cannot really be left more than 2 hours, and even if they take bottles (mine didn't) not many mums want to leave their babies, even formula fed ones until at least a while, maybe 6 months + it's a bit easier but I certainly didn't until mine were school age - we ate out a lot but they came too (we didn't go to family friendly places I might add, mine liked proper food from young, took dd1 to a Michelin starred restaurant at 10 months (for lunch and they made such a fuss of her, chef cooked her special French baby food and every waiter was cooing over her, they were not busy)

Only on Mumsnet. Good grief.

Next time she suggests a night out just very kindly say ‘ let’s not go out, why don’t you come to mine, get a takeaway and wine/non alcohol for her then she can bring the baby, feed it, put it down to sleep or you could both play with it while chatting and quaffing

My abusive ex used to try every trick to stop me going out with my friends. Maybe DF’s partner is refusing to look after the baby at the last minute because then he knows she will be back after a few hours and she has no chance of drinking or enjoying herself.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You’re asking that your friend remembers you’re a human with valuable time and relational needs too, and that if she wants to keep that friendship intimacy and support she just needs to be a bit more respectful. I think some people forget when they have a baby that it is actually tedious to have to focus on someone else’s child all the time even if you want to be loving and supportive - relationships are two way streets and if she hasn’t got capacity at the moment to still be an independent friend who leaves the baby with its other parent at times to maintain relationships outside the bubble then that’s totally fine and understandable, but she shouldn’t be messing you around, she should recognise that and stick to day time baby friendly plans instead of letting you down and just assuming you will be “understanding”.

I think you need to be diplomatic and say something like, it would be nice to have a child free night out to give you a chance to relax, will baby's Dad have her? It does seem unfair that he gets child free nights and she doesn't. I assume she must want to if she's trying to arrange them in the 1st place.