Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 33 34 35 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:

Frozentoes2 · 12/02/2022 18:36

YABU, but you probably won’t realise it until you have a baby yourself.

Breasted babies often need to be fed every couple of hours or more. 6 months is still really young and her baby will only have just started solids, and so will depend on her for the majority of its food. So if her baby doesn’t take a bottle (some breastfed babies don’t) going for a couple of hours for a nights out with you would mean her baby goes without food. You’re not supposed to drink much when you breastfeed too so drunken nights out are a big no.

Plus, she may not WANT to be away from her baby, and that’s totally her choice. Her baby is still really young. It won’t be young forever and she has all the time in the world to sit in a bar and drink in the future.

To be fair to you, she could have said something to manage your expectations like, let’s meet for a drink, but it will be a quick one for me because I’m prioritising feeding and bonding with my baby. The you could have said no thanks, I wanted a big night out that night.

One of my former best friends had the attitude you did when I had my baby. Just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t go for nights out anymore, found the whole baby stuff boring etc. To be honest my priorities just totally changed and sitting in bars drinking didn’t appeal anymore, I’d moved on.

Mandyjack · 12/02/2022 18:37

@Gizacluethen

A young breastfed baby doesn't really leave their mum. I get a couple of hours away from DS a week, he's 8 month and bottle fed. But he doesn't like being away form me and I don't mind taking him everywhere with me.

I think you're being unreasonable, she has a baby now, of course she has a baby with her.

I thought I'd be ready to leave my baby much earlier than I do. So I don't think you can hold that against her

Lots of mothers have to work and leave their kids. Babies can be left it's just some Mums choose not to. You can express milk too.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 12/02/2022 18:38

I would simply throw it back over to her and say no, let’s rearrange for a day time when it’s better for you and baby. And just keep insisting on only making daytime meet ups.

Unfortunately as already mentioned countless times, a lot of parents can’t or won’t leave their baby before 12 months and some will. There’s no right or wrong answer but putting your foot down a bit ensures it’s not just on her terms if it doesn’t suit you. I love babies but couldn’t bare to sit there for two hours only looking at and cooing over one. It’s ok for her baby to be the centre of her universe and it’s ok for you to not want her to be in your company.

I’m a mum of 3 btw.

Mandyjack · 12/02/2022 18:39

I think the OP was referring to a dinner out in the evening not drunken nights out.

LoisLane66 · 12/02/2022 18:39

I can honestly see your point and I too wouldn't like to meet a friend who had her baby (or child) with her all the time, I really wouldn't. HOWEVER I have 5 children and when they were born up to the ages of say 10-12, I didn't go anywhere without them and I mean anywhere, obviously I did when they were in school but there were always 1 or 2 under school age and as my ex worked offshore and mum lived over 100 miles away, I was on my own most of the time. One DB and wife lived near my mum and other DB and wife in Canada.
Ex's parents lived in Australia.
I was very happy to manage on my own, just me and the children. Those times were the happiest and I'd do it all again if I could.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 12/02/2022 18:40

I meant to add there, ok not to want her to be in your company when arranging meet ups that are assumed to be for adults only, like the pub.

Rose40Berry · 12/02/2022 18:40

@surreygirl1987

Honestly I would have felt the same as you. And I swore nothing would change. And THEN I had children. Now I am your friend - the one who brings my baby everywhere. That's just how it is. If you don't like it I guess you can stop meeting up with her. I have a friend who clearly doesn't like me bringing my toddler or baby along when I see her... fair enough. We just meet up less. I'm waiting for her to have children and then I suspect we'll be bringing kids to everything all the time.

Well, not everyone goes on to have kids - and even when they do, friendships are between you and the other adult, not you and your child and them? So your friend expecting to see you without your child attached at times so you can have each other’s full attention and connection is pretty normal! Fair enough to say it’s just how it is if you have no option to get any independent time because of childcare needs, but saying this is just how it is and giving your friend an it’s me and the kid or don’t see me much choice seems a bit like you are the one that’s not valuing the relationship with your friend.

DanceItOut · 12/02/2022 18:42

Hopefully this will be temporary and when the baby gets closer to a year old she will be more willing to come minus baby. And the older the child gets the more freedom mum gets back. As annoying as it is particularly for evening meet ups (maybe don’t agree to any more evenings for now and wait until baby is a bit older) I think if you can grin and bare it for a few more months then hopefully it’ll get better. I didn’t really leave my breastfed little ones much for the first year but after that it was off to grandparents for the night for the kids and out with my friends for me, not as often as before having kids but enough to still maintain friendships and not still be “mum” that night.

Talk4000 · 12/02/2022 18:43

It's obvious OP you've never had a baby otherwise you'd understand and wouldn't put so much pressure on your DF.

How sad. Let her have her time in the sun with her child. Give her a few years and she'll return to you.

But all this needing to see her alone. The baby is 8 months. Be kind OP. In another year or two things will be very different. Please be patient.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2022 18:43

@timeisnotaline

Have you tried this line: ‘are you ok? Are things with dp ok? It’s just that I don’t know if you’ve realised, but you’ve literally had to cancel every arrangement you’ve made with me as he suddenly isn’t around after all becasue he’s going out. I know you say he pulls his weight but all I see is him refusing to enable you to go out, and being quite dishonest about it as you tell me he’s having baby and we should make plans but he cancels on doing any solo parenting every single time, while himself living a fairly single man life where he goes out whenever he wants. That can’t feel very equal, I’d have been raging at my dh if that had happened even a couple of times when dc1 was babies age.’

If that doesn’t work you just have to flat out refuse to make arrangements for evenings and bars, perhaps because you don’t trust her dh to not cancel again rather than she is a crappy friend. Have you mutual friends? Could you arrange something with one or two others and then invite her so you are completely justified in refusing to rearrange. ‘Oh you have baby so can’t come- thats a shame we will have to reschedule. Oh no, I’m afraid Sarah and I have been loooking forward to trying this place out, it wouldn’t be fair to switch to an oj somewhere else but hopefully you can make it next time.’

I think that's what I'd do. I'd absolutely have to point out to her that she has cancelled on me evert - EVERY - time. And doing it in this way might actually get through to her.

Of course, I'm an absolute cow who would also point out to her how she talks over me and doesn't listen to a fucking word I say when the baby is there with us, and that frankly I'm not putting myself through this torture again.

You are a better person than me OP, I salute your patience.

CounsellorTroi · 12/02/2022 18:49

@Talk4000

It's obvious OP you've never had a baby otherwise you'd understand and wouldn't put so much pressure on your DF.

How sad. Let her have her time in the sun with her child. Give her a few years and she'll return to you.

But all this needing to see her alone. The baby is 8 months. Be kind OP. In another year or two things will be very different. Please be patient.

Another one. Dear god. Please read the OP and all her updates.

Canaloha · 12/02/2022 18:49

It seems having a baby has rendered many posters unable to read OPs bloody posts and updates!

TheSnowyOwl · 12/02/2022 18:49

OP says: I know If IABU fair enough

The majority vote is that the OP IBU but they don’t seem to be accepting that from their posts.

Honestly, the OP’s friend would make me see a bit less of her but at the same time, it’s only been six months and things are likely to change back towards normal before too long so I’d struggle to get too bothered by this.

RachelGreeneGreep · 12/02/2022 18:52

@Movingonup22

I can’t believe you wouldn’t pay for the baby’s manicure at the spa day OP. The issue would never have come up if you hadn’t worn that dress to the wedding. You knew what you were doing.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 18:52

All of you posting a reply to what you think you have read and berating the OP for putting nonexistent pressure on the friend (who is the one arranging nights out) are truly sucky people.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 18:52

@Canaloha

It seems having a baby has rendered many posters unable to read OPs bloody posts and updates!

I know! It's like mass hysteria in text form.

ThuMuClu · 12/02/2022 18:55

I’d just manage making arrangement with her and accept that it is just the odd coffee and lunch for now. I found it very hard to leave my children when they were babies and I was very surprised about this, I didn’t think of myself as being very maternal, I imagined I would be able to hand them
Off to anyone, especially their father, and was taken aback by how difficult it was!

EarringsandLipstick · 12/02/2022 18:55

@jrc2506

vm.tiktok.com/ZMLjP1NfL/

I'm just going to leave this here. Please. Watch it. And actually listen.

This is one of the most trite, patronising things I've seen on social media.

Who the hell posts like that?!

EarringsandLipstick · 12/02/2022 18:56

@tambelina

I didn't go out without my little ones unless for work until they were 2 or 3. I wouldn't have gone out with a girlfriend in the evening with my bf baby, I do find that a bit odd.

2 or 3?!?!

That's just odd. And fine, if it's your choice, but don't act like it's a typical one for most women.

Fluenty · 12/02/2022 18:57

Op do you think your friend might be struggling? What’s her DP like
Is he in the picture?
Maybe she wants to go out
Maybe she is expressing, but maybe he cancels last minute or won’t look after the baby alone
Maybe she’s desperate to get out too but can’t and is trying to make it all work with no help? And not admit to you that her dp won’t help her? I agree it does sound weird that she would make the plans to cancel if she could never realistically do them, so maybe she can and there’s something else in the background you don’t know about

RachelGreeneGreep · 12/02/2022 18:57

@ToykotoLosAngeles

All of you posting a reply to what you think you have read and berating the OP for putting nonexistent pressure on the friend (who is the one arranging nights out) are truly sucky people.

Yes well the OP only has herself to blame.

If she had not insisted on buying that dress for the wedding and upstaging the bride, well...

RachaelN · 12/02/2022 18:57

A breast fed babies tends to need erm... The breast. It is her first baby, maybe cut her some slack.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/02/2022 18:58

@ToykotoLosAngeles

All of you posting a reply to what you think you have read and berating the OP for putting nonexistent pressure on the friend (who is the one arranging nights out) are truly sucky people.

👏👏👏👏

anotherheadache · 12/02/2022 18:59

FFS @Talk4000 read the OP... it's the friend who keep changing plans at the last minute. The friend simply needs to stop getting op's hopes up and then cancelling at last minute. Op has said they are ok with doing lunch dates with baby.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 19:00

@RachelGreeneGreep I suppose that's what she gets for stealing the dress belonging to the nonexistent mother of the bride

Flip

1 2 ··· 33 34 35 ··· 39 40