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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 12/02/2022 16:41

@gogohm

You are delusional basically. Breastfed babies cannot really be left more than 2 hours, and even if they take bottles (mine didn't) not many mums want to leave their babies, even formula fed ones until at least a while, maybe 6 months + it's a bit easier but I certainly didn't until mine were school age - we ate out a lot but they came too (we didn't go to family friendly places I might add, mine liked proper food from young, took dd1 to a Michelin starred restaurant at 10 months (for lunch and they made such a fuss of her, chef cooked her special French baby food and every waiter was cooing over her, they were not busy)

I was in complete agreement with you when I read the OP. But when she explained further, her friend makes plans intending not to bring the baby but then always does end up bringing the baby anyway. That is what she is understandably finding frustrating.

Choux · 12/02/2022 16:46

@DijfunvKd

I did not go out with DF last night, I met someone else.

I replied to DF’s last message about the baby wanting to see me with ‘ah bless her! I was really looking forward to going to X, so I think I’m still going to go. Let me know if your mum can look after the baby for an hour.’

Well done on continuing your plans without her. An occasional child free night becoming the two of them due to child care issues is one thing but your situation sounds like a pattern that needs breaking.

Next time she suggests an evening out I would sound her out on the practicalities of it:

Do you have reliable childcare? And they know that it's our turn to get some child free time together? Well if we meet at 8 and have dinner for two hours you will be gone for 3 hours total. How will that work with feeding baby?

If it sounds like it won't work just say it doesn't sound likely so best not to plan a night out. If she says it's all worked out and then she says baby needs to come cancel it like you did last night.

The thing that sticks out for me is she has her parents and her DH in the house where she is staying. Do none of them care enough about her to do the childcare once in six months so she can get a couple of hours with a friend???

Hmm1234 · 12/02/2022 17:24

This! lol 😂

Tessabelle74 · 12/02/2022 17:24

She's breastfeeding, shall she remove a breast and leave it with Dad? Not everyone can express, not all babies will take a bottle. If you don't want to meet her with the baby, wait until she's no longer feeding her

surreygirl1987 · 12/02/2022 17:26

Honestly I would have felt the same as you. And I swore nothing would change. And THEN I had children. Now I am your friend - the one who brings my baby everywhere. That's just how it is. If you don't like it I guess you can stop meeting up with her. I have a friend who clearly doesn't like me bringing my toddler or baby along when I see her... fair enough. We just meet up less. I'm waiting for her to have children and then I suspect we'll be bringing kids to everything all the time.

Hmm1234 · 12/02/2022 17:26

What you should do is have a baby so you won’t feel so left out. Then you’ll understand and your kids can become besties. Cafe play dates for you both. Win Win

gamerchick · 12/02/2022 17:28

@Tessabelle74

Did you miss the part that it's not about the baby coming and all about asking for a night out so OP expects a night out and ends up out for an hour because the baby has unexpectedly came?

If you want a meet up for an hour then ruddy say that. Don't take someone's time up and change the dynamic.

Lizziespring · 12/02/2022 17:30

when did you become friends? d'you have children? If not are you in tune with how knackered, lonely and bewildered a mother of a young baby can feel? I remember the first year of my son's life, when I went out without him twice. Twice. My many pre-baby mates fell away as they found me boring; none of them wanted to babysit, I knew no local childcarers and didn't dare trust my baby to strangers. It was a very lonely year. Have you considered your friend may be settling for a boring half an hour in a pub because she has no other social contact? Maybe she needs your help?

CloR86 · 12/02/2022 17:31

A person can't be away from their breastfeeding baby so you are being unreasonable.

anotherheadache · 12/02/2022 17:31

@Hmm1234 I really hope that as sarcasm! Because if it wasn't then you've just won the internet for most ridiculous post!

exaltedwombat · 12/02/2022 17:31

Yeah, mums do this. You know the pattern now. Work with it.

Teachertired92 · 12/02/2022 17:31

@DijfunvKd This could easily have been written about me, do we know each other?! My baby, also born in august, goes everywhere with me! Also breastfeeding! I don’t arrange pub nights but if my friends were to suggest it I would probably see if I could bring her and explain I would have to leave early. Not only is it so hard to leave a baby who is breastfeeding (I struggle to express more than a couple of ounces) but I also have postnatal anxiety which causes panic attacks when I leave her. Could there be more going on with you friends mental health? Maybe she arranges nights with all intention of leaving baby but then gets upset and can’t do it in the end so brings her so she doesn’t let you down? Just another thing you could consider, although I know this isn’t the case with everyone

CateJW · 12/02/2022 17:36

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I say that as someone who didn't want to leave her firstborn for a year! Don't make babyfree plans of you are not going to be baby free.
However it's sounds to me like either she is trying to still be that fun pre-baby person until the time comes to actuallly leave baby and then she can't bring herself to or very likely given one of your replies, baby daddy is the problem! Why would he arrange to go out with friends if he knew she already had plans!? It's either a really crappy thing of him to do to do and he isn't pulling his weight or a convenient thing to say if she has a last minute wobble.

Snog · 12/02/2022 17:37

OP I think you need to take agency in your own life.
If your friend tries to make an evening plan with you, regardless of what she says, you know baby will come too. So if you're not ok with that, you need to tell her that you prefer daytime meet ups as plans to go baby free in the evening inevitably fall through at the last minute and that you are not ok with that.
It doesn't really matter if other people would act the same as you or not, you are entitled to make plans for your own life as you prefer.

Atmybitsend · 12/02/2022 17:38

There are some really fucking lazy posters on this thread. Nearly 800 messages in - if you can’t be arsed to RTFT at least read the OP’s 50+ responses!!

See All it’s a great tool 🙄

RidingMyBike · 12/02/2022 17:39

@gogohm

Not necessarily. There was a mum at my bumps n babes group who left her (formula fed!) baby with her parents for a weekend at 3 months old whilst she and her partner had a mini break outside the U.K. Half the mums at the group were horrified at the idea of leaving their baby, the other half were jealous and desperate to do the same!

clynneand · 12/02/2022 17:40

People respond to kids differently. I would be annoyed, too. Babies are fine sometimes (I have two children myself), but also, adult time is nice. But I think you have to be pretty brave to have the "can you not bring your kid this time convo." Which, unfortunately, is why friendships post-children evolve! (Or end).

LuluBlakey1 · 12/02/2022 17:41

I left ours with DH from about 3-4 weeks to see friends. Not every night, not even every week but I did go out for a meal, a drink into the cinema at night. Was not gone hours and hours but DH was perfectly capable of looking after his child for 3 hours.

JessieLongleg · 12/02/2022 17:42

Wow some of the comments on here. This is why I'm getting a breast pump it's not just friends but I could get ill hide I'm the bedroom and let my husband feed the baby. What's the point of being on a relationship if you can rely on each other to give you a bit of space with friends. My best friend ent for dinner will a group of friends and all they spoke about was their babies and she said tell me of I get like that. I did and she said I wouldn't understand because not a mother two weeks after I found I was pregnant. The thing is work or family if you only do one thing it limits conversation. So going out with you self widens her conversation just like doing different things from partner does as well.

LilMum23 · 12/02/2022 17:43

If she's breast feeding I totally get it, the baby is tied to her to be fed, no one else can do that so she can't leave baby with Dad. It's all well and good saying they only need feeding every 3 or 4 hours but sometimes baby cluster feed.
I left my BF baby with Dad one night and had to go back within 2 hours so that was way less fun that if I brought my baby with me.
I completely understand baby chat gets tedious when you dont have one. Why don't you steer the conversation away from baby talk and create some engagement in the topics that used to interest you both.

If above doesn't work, suck it up for a few more months when baby is weaned and has early bedtime you should get your friend back.

JonSnowIsALoser · 12/02/2022 17:44

I think you need a different perspective here and should appreciate the fact that that she makes an effort and finds the time to meet you despite having a six-month-old baby. Because when you have a baby, socialising is a massive effort.

jrc2506 · 12/02/2022 17:46

vm.tiktok.com/ZMLjP1NfL/

I'm just going to leave this here. Please. Watch it. And actually listen.

Latecomer131 · 12/02/2022 17:46

@Lizziespring , again missing the point. OP has stated that she already has (and is quite happy to in future) meet her friend somewhere kid friendly during the daytime, even if it's not especially rewarding for the OP.

However, the OP's friend keeps insisting on arranging to meet the OP at adult oriented evening venues, only to change it to meeting at a crap pub with baby in tow at the last minute because her childcare plans weren't ever realistic for her to be able to go on that kind of outing.

I have an almost 12 week old, and I don't pretend to my friends that I can manage anything other than a hour or so of afternoon drinks while my baby (usually) naps in his sling. However, while said baby is napping, I try not to bore the tits off any friend who is willing to meet in less than ideal circumstances by largely talking about non baby focused topics.

Movingonup22 · 12/02/2022 17:47

I think some of the posters on here are gonna be might dissapponted when they contact their friends in five years and their friends don’t recognize the number

CounsellorTroi · 12/02/2022 17:48

@CloR86

A person can't be away from their breastfeeding baby so you are being unreasonable.

For the fifty millionth time it’s the OP’s friend who keeps making arrangements to be away from her baby. The OP would be happy with coffees and lunches, it’s the friend who keeps wanting an adult night out but then it gets changed to Coke at Wetherspoons at the last minute. How is the OP being unreasonable?

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