To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

And thank you - I am much better now (menopause sucks though)!

Jesus @MabelsApron, that’s brutal. I can’t believe it.

@DijfunvKd You are a hero.

For battling through the onslaught of people arguing against something you never said. Assuming you are complaining about the baby and motherhood instead of what you have constantly explained - that your friend chooses specific plans she repeatedly changes/cancels at the last minute. Showing no insight. And that for 6 months she has had no interest in you and your life when 'catching up'. YANBU.

It is not about babies. It is about repeatedly disrespecting your time and expectations over a long enough time to know better.

You have the patience of a saint. Enjoy your night out!

[quote indub]@DijfunvKd You are a hero.

For battling through the onslaught of people arguing against something you never said. Assuming you are complaining about the baby and motherhood instead of what you have constantly explained - that your friend chooses specific plans she repeatedly changes/cancels at the last minute. Showing no insight. And that for 6 months she has had no interest in you and your life when 'catching up'. YANBU.

It is not about babies. It is about repeatedly disrespecting your time and expectations over a long enough time to know better.

You have the patience of a saint. Enjoy your night out![/quote]
You're too late. OP's friend turned out to be a Mumsnetter and strangled her to death with a muslin. You really need to RTFT.

Your fine is five quid towards the wake. We're a bit short.

OP, thank you for this post. I have a 5 month old baby and I don't want to act like your friend. I do probably talk about my baby more than I realise, but when I meet my friends (sometimes with baby, sometimes without, always open and honest about it), we do talk about their lives too. I know what's going on with their lives and I want to talk about it and be present. In fact it's refreshing not to talk about babies for a change.
I think a lot of posters got angry that you don't show enthusiasm about the baby talk. I'm not surprised you don't, I wouldn't either (not for long anyway). Even with my own baby I'm bored sometimes. Every day in fact there are moments when I don't know what else I can do to entertain him.
And I think your friend is wrong to plan baby free night to then change last minute and guilt you into coming because her baby missed her auntie. And I also think your friend should be interested in your life. Just because she has a baby doesn't give her the right to be a bad friend. It may mean she's struggling, but from your description it seems she just forgot there's anything else to life, but her baby.
Do I have the same amount of time for my friends now that I have a baby? No. Can I go out for a baby free night? Not yet. But I hope I do what I can and I hope I show I care. I arrange lunches, coffees and walks (when baby is asleep so we can talk freely), I text when I can and I check in on them when I can.
So you are not being unreasonable and hopefully some helpful replies in this thread will help you in the future situations.
I hope you had a fun night out.

Jesus. I feel sorry for the OP. Not just her particular situation, but the fact so many posters just can't be bothered reading what she says.

I blame the teachers. :o

@DijfunvKd great thread and hope you had a great night! It's so bloody refreshing when the OP comes back to respond.

I started thinking YABU (baby young and bf) but came full circle and YANBU. Your friend wants an easy evening in your house - fine if it was planned but not every time. Friendships are two way etc etc.

It seems the friend wants a catch up with the OP and doesn’t see an issue whether baby is there or not. Meanwhile the OP just wants someone to party with and doesn’t even particularly like the friend.
Just turn her down and go out with other friends. Not sure why it is to be so difficult

@interest12 where does it state the op wants someone to party with?! The op want the friend to stop making plans for baby free catch ups in adult environments and changing them at last minute to shit family friendly pubs and bringing baby along. OP has said she understands friends situation and until baby is older understands lunch meetings with baby work better, it's the friend being a dickhead. I'd be pissed off if I thought I was going to a nice restaurant with a friend for a catch-up then at last minute friends says can't go there as got to bring baby so let's go to Weatherspoons! The friend sounds like a self absorbed shit friend! Having a baby doesn't give you licence to fuck about with other peoples time.

Nope, you don't get it, OP. Mothers and babies are stuck together. You will understand if you have a baby.

I sort of see your point. I don't have kids and am not really a baby person. Two of my friends have had babies recently. Before the babies were born we used to meet for walks.

Now the babies come too in their carrier thing. The walks are painfully slow and all the chat is about babies. I find I am very bored.

However I also get this is the way things are now. I don't have many other friends and I just have to accept it.

LOL! OP I love your teeth grittingly reasonable answers to all the 'but she's got a baaaaaaby, no-one wants to leave their baaaaaaaby' posters.

In honesty your post makes me cringe a little at what a complete and utter dullard I must have been through those years. Fortunately most of my friends were at a similar stage and we were utter dullards together because there's nothing like a bit of shared misery to make you feel better!

I think you are absolutely right in many respects. If you substituted the word 'new dog' for baby*and then asked if was ok if your friend made plans, then changed plans because of the new dog, then insisted on bringing the new dog with her everywhere and then sat and talked about the new dog endlessly whilst simultaneously ignoring you while she played with the new dog then everyone would say what a PITA your friend was and to find more interesting friends.

I understand why you have kept your status as a parent quiet up until this point (very wise, you would have been written off in a nano-second as having no empathy and just not understanding had you said you didn't have children). To be fair you you could be the world's greatest empath and still not have an inkling of what it's like to be a parent until you have children. Whether you do or don't you sound like you've been a top notch friend.

Before I had children I loved babies and was so excited to see friends with babies as I wanted to have my own. I'm lucky none of my friends have babies now because honestly baby talk (both about and to the baby) would be an absolute arse ache now, SO BORING!! My friends and I do talk endlessly together about our teenagers (amongst other things) but a) teenagers are FAR more interesting than babies and b) really we're just back to the shared experiences stuff - groaning about the endless lifts, rudeness, messiness, laughing at the brilliantly funny things they say and do coupled with concerns about drinking/parties/Uni etc. I wouldn't dream of boring my colleagues with that level of nonsense on a topic they didn't share an interest in.

I'm completely with you on the flakey friends thing. I no longer have any. All my friends are marvellously reliable.

I'm sure there's a point to this waffle somewhere. So two things I'd love to know now are a) if your friend is using dh as an excuse or if he really is that shit
b) if you have children - pure nosiness but I am so interested as to if you do or don't and whether than has had an impact on the way you are feeling about your friend. So do spill (or don't). Whichever. But go on, do tell us now!

*NB for those clutching pearls, I have two dc - I know they aren't comparable with dogs (well they are teenagers so there are probably a few similarities...).

[quote MabelsApron]**@saraclara* @Hubbabubba7* I absolutely did - the worst example of Mumzilla I’ve ever come across. I often wonder what she’s up to now (kid starts school this year…)[/quote]
OMG, that is appalling. If you had started a thread here, you would have had many posters telling you that you were unreasonable and how dare you not make up to your friend for your 'lack of fanfare'.

I am glad that you dropped her.

@PrincessNutella

Nope, you don't get it, OP. Mothers and babies are stuck together. You will understand if you have a baby.

I've had 2 babies. We weren't stuck together. I agree with the OP.

@PrincessNutella

Nope, you don't get it, OP. Mothers and babies are stuck together. You will understand if you have a baby.

Please do not lump in all mums with your patronising smug sentiments, I thank you.

I completely get you op! I have children, when I had my first, I'd arrange to meet with friends and leave baby with my mum or husband, having a baby present changes the dynamics, conversations are disrupted because of having to tend to baby so for me I like to personally go out with friends and enjoy myself without having to think of baby needs.
Equally I used to find it frustrating when I would go out shopping with one of my friend who has a baby too,(so both would have our babies with us) and the entire topic is about babies!! Like give me a break...

It's nice that your friend wants to see you frequently and understandable that she doesn't want/can't leave her baby just yet but she shouldn't be repeatedly arranging adult nights out and then always bringing the baby along too.

Even that wouldn't be an issue if she fed the baby and got them settled and then focussed on you both having an adult conversation.

As others have said, just stick to daytime meet ups but I'd make it clear that you're not happy with her constantly changing arrangements.
Hope you had a good night!

@interest12

It seems the friend wants a catch up with the OP and doesn’t see an issue whether baby is there or not. Meanwhile the OP just wants someone to party with and doesn’t even particularly like the friend. Just turn her down and go out with other friends. Not sure why it is to be so difficult

No. The OP's friend proposes events unsuitable for a baby in tow (friends meeting for evening meal, drinks, etc. and then changes her mind at the last minute. Every time.

Oh hang on. It's all in the OP's OP.

Maybe she thinks she does want to leave thr baby and head out and then closer to the time doesn't want to.

Why not just accept this is the way it is for now, probably in 6 months or so she will have changed again. Once you accept and expect it will be with thr baby then agree to see or not on that understanding.

I can remember my first child both wanting to escape and be constantly with her, that changed as I grew into parenthood. Perhaps she has that similar pull in both directions. It changes but 6 months into first child is tricky mentally.

That does sound really frustrating for you. I guess you've got to just now take back control like you're doing when she tries to change the plans or if she suggests a night out again just be honest and say last few times she's needed to cancel the night out so you'd rather book in a coffee date and do the night out when things are abit easier - which probably won't be too long away

Part of me reading this wonders if she could be struggling...she sounds quite desperate to see you / maintain something akin to a social life in the evenings when clearly at the moment that's not possible for her and she hasn't come to acceptance on that front, which then leads to messing you about. I think if it was my friend I'd also ask if she was doing okay.

Just come back on to say, yes! Daffodils that was exactly how it was with my DSis. I felt like a non person for years and years. Literally everything I said for about a decade was ignored or drowned in stuff about the kids. A lot of bad stuff was going on in my life at the time too. I don't resent the kids for it - we have a good relationship now. But I'm afraid I am never again going to drop everything because DSis is having a crisis. The funny thing was, when I had a DC she was really resentful about even minor adaptations to make things suitable for a baby/toddler. After years of us all organising everything around her and her DC!

I do think Mumzilla behaviour sometimes comes out of a place of anxiety and not coping/useless partners but there's only so much you can do as a friend or relative on the outside.

I felt like a non person for years and years.

That just it, isn’t it, you feel like you don’t matter. I can fully accept that a parent can’t just ignore their child choking to death on a spoon because you’re giving chapter and verse on why Jeannine from Accounts has pissed you off this time, but there does come a point where you think “You could have just handed him the toy back after he’d dropped it on the floor, you didn’t need to play with him for half an hour before you remembered I was there.”

And absolutely yes to @indub’s post because it’s not so much about the baby - much as there’s been a hoarde of people galloping in to miss the point via “I didn’t leave my child until he went to uni, you don’t understand but you will one day” posts ( ) - it’s about the Flaky Friend not respecting OP’s time and that she doesn’t always want to life her social life around places that are child-friendly. Of course the balance of things has shifted but having a baby still doesn’t give Flaky Friend a pass to be an inconsiderate arse.

OP,

This isn't a baby issue, this is a friend issue.

I have never been to a pub or a restaurant where a baby was brought by a new mother.
Ever.

Constantly changing the arrangements ladt minute is really rude.

But I can't believe you have tolerated it after it happened the first time.

It sounds deliberate to me as it has happened so frequently.

She places no value on her time.

I don't have friends who would do this or tolerate it being done to them.

Meet for a fast coffee, outside, on your way somewhere else.

Never give arrangements with her preference over other invitations.

I think someone so rude isn't going to magically change, this could be it.

I’ve just read all the ops posts , not bothered with the whole thread of comments as quite clear most hadn’t bothered to read the ops posts .
I get you op it’s not that you don’t understand that she doesn’t want to leave the baby it’s that she makes adult plans of a meal / drinks then it changes to baby friendly evening . Your right that could be done in the day . I think you need to say next time hey friend until the baby is older and your more comfortable leaving the baby let’s just stick to child friendly catch ups during the day not the evenings . Just say you want to spend a evening catching up with her over a nice meal and cocktails and I’d happy to wait until baby is older so you can leave the baby with his dad .