Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 23:15

@Loki64 I don’t think the ops friend gives a shiny shit about the ops feelings

Loki64 · 11/02/2022 23:18

@ToykotoLosAngeles yes, being my point exactly? If op is happy enough to go on lunch dates with baby there just not evenings. When her friend suggest evenings op can suggest they go for lunch instead so she's not giving up her evenings doing something she's not happy to do?

Its a pretty simple way around it really?
But munsnet does like a moan and an argument as per every single thread on here.

Loki64 · 11/02/2022 23:19

Has op spoke to her friend about her feelings? Probably best to as her friend may not even realise?

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 23:19

@Loki64 she did just suggest it to her friend. Her friend said no.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 23:21

For goodness' sake @Loki64, read OP's posts.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 23:25

It's 11:23. OP went out to meet said friend, and she's not back here.
There are two scenarios that spring to mind
a) It's all gone swimmingly and friend's mum had the baby for her after all
b) friend turns out to be a MNer, read this thread, lost her rag and strangled OP to death with a muslin.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 23:27

@Loki64

OP said:

The last time it happened, she asked if she and baby could come to my house instead. I tried to say that we should cancel and instead go for a walk to a cafe the next day, but she said she'd been looking forward to it, and so I felt guilty and agreed.

Just today, friend said she couldn't do lunch and anyway her 6 month old has expressed that she wanted to see the OP tonight. Guilt trip ahoy.

But you're obviously not reading the OP's posts so why would I assume you'll read mine.

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 23:28

OP is rushing to give birth and will urgently rescind all her posts tomorrow and acknowledge that @Katya213 was totes right all along

Loki64 · 11/02/2022 23:29

@saraclara @Movingonup22 do you not have anything better to do than follow threads online just to bash every comment people put on here?
Very easy to say her friend doesnt give a shit ect. If they didnt give a shit about each other im sure they wouldnt be arranging time together.
People have given op suggestions. If her friend doesnt agree then judt dtick to the lunch dates and politely decline evenings so op is not wasting time doing something she doesnt want to do. There's no other way around it really is there.

Im not sure what op is gaining by u bashing every single comment on her post as if every comment is personally directed towards u?
I wrote a comment giving op suggestions. Not you.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 11/02/2022 23:30

If you can't manage to have an interesting conversation with your friend with a small baby present, I don't think that's entirely on her. And if she talks about her baby, well what do you expect, she probably spends a hell of a lot of time with her baby. You could talk to her about the things going on in your life.

@SerotoninAnswerMySoul, give the fuck over. I have lost count of the times friends have said they crave a conversation about anything but children but as soon as a non-child topic comes up it’s “Oh wait a moment, I think he’s dropped his toy. There you are darling, this is your favourite isn’t it? Yes, that’s right! Mr Caterpillar! Mr Caterpillar says hello! Now, sorry, what was it you were saying, you’re getting divorced because your husband cheated on you with a troupe of Brazilian strippers…no, hang on, darling where did Mr Caterpillar go?! He’s hiding again!”

If you’ve never encountered the staggering social rhinoceros hide of someone whose only topic of interest is their child, then count yourself lucky.

OP, your friend will settle down

Trust me, some don’t ever recover from Mama Bear mode.

Mustreadabook · 11/02/2022 23:37

I would have loved to leave my babies and go out for dinner. Etc but until 15 months they breastfed to sleep so the best I could do was a quick trip out between 8:30 and 11pm. She’s not doing it to annoy you! If she’s your friend you need to support her for this period, hopefully it won’t be too long.

Tippytaps · 11/02/2022 23:38

Oh no, not such a wee thing. Unless she has no choice, like needing to return to work early, at 6 months she might start leaving the baby at home to pop to the shops but not for a couple of hours.

It’s difficult being apart from them at that age, emotionally and practically.

RachelGreeneGreep · 11/02/2022 23:42

@BrightYellowDaffodil

If you can't manage to have an interesting conversation with your friend with a small baby present, I don't think that's entirely on her. And if she talks about her baby, well what do you expect, she probably spends a hell of a lot of time with her baby. You could talk to her about the things going on in your life.

@SerotoninAnswerMySoul, give the fuck over. I have lost count of the times friends have said they crave a conversation about anything but children but as soon as a non-child topic comes up it’s “Oh wait a moment, I think he’s dropped his toy. There you are darling, this is your favourite isn’t it? Yes, that’s right! Mr Caterpillar! Mr Caterpillar says hello! Now, sorry, what was it you were saying, you’re getting divorced because your husband cheated on you with a troupe of Brazilian strippers…no, hang on, darling where did Mr Caterpillar go?! He’s hiding again!”

If you’ve never encountered the staggering social rhinoceros hide of someone whose only topic of interest is their child, then count yourself lucky.

OP, your friend will settle down

Trust me, some don’t ever recover from Mama Bear mode.

Grin

Exactly!

saraclara · 11/02/2022 23:45

@Tippytaps

Oh no, not such a wee thing. Unless she has no choice, like needing to return to work early, at 6 months she might start leaving the baby at home to pop to the shops but not for a couple of hours.

It’s difficult being apart from them at that age, emotionally and practically.

So why did the friend suggest going for a night out then? And why does she continue to do so even though OP suggested changing tonight's plan for a daytime one?

It's never OP that suggests going out in the evening. It's always her friend that does so.

Katya213 · 11/02/2022 23:51

@Movingonup22. I was right all along !!!

Xyzzzzz · 11/02/2022 23:53

@saraclara

It's 11:23. OP went out to meet said friend, and she's not back here. There are two scenarios that spring to mind a) It's all gone swimmingly and friend's mum had the baby for her after all b) friend turns out to be a MNer, read this thread, lost her rag and strangled OP to death with a muslin.
My guess is the second option.
saraclara · 11/02/2022 23:59

Maybe we need to use the "when you're a mother" kitty for the wake, @Xyzzzzz.

Xyzzzzz · 12/02/2022 00:02

Agreed. Poor Op DB will really miss aunt Dj now

MabelsApron · 12/02/2022 00:11

@BrightYellowDaffodil

If you can't manage to have an interesting conversation with your friend with a small baby present, I don't think that's entirely on her. And if she talks about her baby, well what do you expect, she probably spends a hell of a lot of time with her baby. You could talk to her about the things going on in your life.

@SerotoninAnswerMySoul, give the fuck over. I have lost count of the times friends have said they crave a conversation about anything but children but as soon as a non-child topic comes up it’s “Oh wait a moment, I think he’s dropped his toy. There you are darling, this is your favourite isn’t it? Yes, that’s right! Mr Caterpillar! Mr Caterpillar says hello! Now, sorry, what was it you were saying, you’re getting divorced because your husband cheated on you with a troupe of Brazilian strippers…no, hang on, darling where did Mr Caterpillar go?! He’s hiding again!”

If you’ve never encountered the staggering social rhinoceros hide of someone whose only topic of interest is their child, then count yourself lucky.

OP, your friend will settle down

Trust me, some don’t ever recover from Mama Bear mode.

Or my personal favourite - the friend who called me to say thank you for sending her a newborn gift but she’d been disappointed with my overall lack of fanfare. When I reminded her that I’d just been discharged from a life-saving operation that had rendered me infertile and nearly killed me, she said, “well, we must meet up and you can meet baby and make it up to us.”

Some women are literally so self-absorbed that you could be stabbed in front of them and they’d fuss that you got blood on baby’s blanket.

MarceyMc · 12/02/2022 00:13

No YANBU but you were never going to get any sensible replies on this topic here - only hysteria and that weird MN competition of who couldn't be away from their babies the longest - 'well MY DC didn't spend a minute away from me until they were 25' HmmHmmHmm

FWIW I couldn't think of anything worse than taking my little one to the pub on a Friday night, everyone is entitled to some adult time and I like to talk about other things than sleep, poo, sick, etc. too! Equally, if your friend doesn't want to leave her baby then that is also fine, but she should keep arranging grown up nights out and then messing you around at the last minute.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 00:14

the friend who called me to say thank you for sending her a newborn gift but she’d been disappointed with my overall lack of fanfare. When I reminded her that I’d just been discharged from a life-saving operation that had rendered me infertile and nearly killed me, she said, “well, we must meet up and you can meet baby and make it up to us.”

Hells bells. Please tell me that you dropped her like a stone.

Hubbabubba7 · 12/02/2022 00:17

Bringing a baby to a pub in the evening isn’t fair on you, baby or the other people in the pub ( some who may want their own child free evening!)

Hubbabubba7 · 12/02/2022 00:18

@MabelsApron wow I can’t believe your friend , hopefully ex friend! I hope you’re better now

MarceyMc · 12/02/2022 00:20

@BrightYellowDaffodil

If you can't manage to have an interesting conversation with your friend with a small baby present, I don't think that's entirely on her. And if she talks about her baby, well what do you expect, she probably spends a hell of a lot of time with her baby. You could talk to her about the things going on in your life.

@SerotoninAnswerMySoul, give the fuck over. I have lost count of the times friends have said they crave a conversation about anything but children but as soon as a non-child topic comes up it’s “Oh wait a moment, I think he’s dropped his toy. There you are darling, this is your favourite isn’t it? Yes, that’s right! Mr Caterpillar! Mr Caterpillar says hello! Now, sorry, what was it you were saying, you’re getting divorced because your husband cheated on you with a troupe of Brazilian strippers…no, hang on, darling where did Mr Caterpillar go?! He’s hiding again!”

If you’ve never encountered the staggering social rhinoceros hide of someone whose only topic of interest is their child, then count yourself lucky.

OP, your friend will settle down

Trust me, some don’t ever recover from Mama Bear mode.

^ this!!

Mama bear mode GrinGrin

MabelsApron · 12/02/2022 00:31

@saraclara @Hubbabubba7 I absolutely did - the worst example of Mumzilla I’ve ever come across. I often wonder what she’s up to now (kid starts school this year…)