To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

I agree OP. My experience is friends in general with children. One has a 3 year old and we have not had dinner out since the child was born. I'm sick of going round to their house with her weird DH and cooing continually about her little one. DC is very cute, but there is absolutely no adult conversation and it is a lot of effort and one sided on my part. I haven't seen friend for a year now. I do wonder about women who can't leave their children with their DH and DP... Like why don't you trust them to have their child for a couple of hours or put the baby to bed and keep an eye on them she could be home by the next feed or express?

@RachelGreeneGreep I agree - I wouldn’t have dared start such a thread! I did mention it to some of my (smug mummy) colleagues without thinking, only to have them immediately point out that “having to have that kind of unpleasantness probably took the shine off her special time”.

@DonnyBurrito
Really reaching there to say that OP ‘doesn’t care about her friends child’. I care about my friends children but that doesn’t mean I want to see them when a child free night has been arranged!

I’m taking my five month old baby to brunch in a local bar this morning- friend never met him and asked- so bringing him for a coffee then DH can come and take the little bairn away while we have a long-awaited catch up. Having a baby doesn’t automatically render you totally socially unaware and it’ll be rubbish with him there the whole time.

I guess though, reading some of these comments, that this makes me less of a mother 😂

@PrincessNutella

Nope, you don't get it, OP. Mothers and babies are stuck together. You will understand if you have a baby.

Ooo look another one.

@Katya213

Wait til you have children….you will understand then. I was just like you.

@Katya213 omg so having a baby gives you license to be a dick to your friends? Genuine question for you- for women like you who immerse themselves in their baby to the degree that they view behaviour like the OP’s friend as acceptable, what happens to you when said baby grows up? Friends will not stick around forever, frankly I think OP has been really patient and accommodating, lots of women wouldn’t have hung in there like she has. Are you really ok with a lonely and friendless just to perform the mummy martyr role? Which is a complete fallacy in itself because no baby NEEDS their mother with them 24/7, they can spend a couple of hours with their dad or grandparents if they’re available etc. Being glued to your baby 24/7 and losing all other aspects of yourself and your identity does not make you a better mother.

I do wonder about women who can't leave their children with their DH and DP... Like why don't you trust them to have their child for a couple of hours or put the baby to bed and keep an eye on them she could be home by the next feed or express?

And in years to come they’ll be complaining about the rod they’ve made for their own backs in the shape of their useless DHs/DPs.

@PrincessNutella

Nope, you don't get it, OP. Mothers and babies are stuck together. You will understand if you have a baby.

Speak for yourself PrincessNutella!

@Sheknowsnodifferent

I agree OP. My experience is friends in general with children. One has a 3 year old and we have not had dinner out since the child was born. I'm sick of going round to their house with her weird DH and cooing continually about her little one. DC is very cute, but there is absolutely no adult conversation and it is a lot of effort and one sided on my part. I haven't seen friend for a year now. I do wonder about women who can't leave their children with their DH and DP... Like why don't you trust them to have their child for a couple of hours or put the baby to bed and keep an eye on them she could be home by the next feed or express?

Exactly! I must be a monster but my husband was perfectly willing and able to look after his children and I enjoyed getting out with adults for a few hours!

@WheelieBinPrincess

I’m taking my five month old baby to brunch in a local bar this morning- friend never met him and asked- so bringing him for a coffee then DH can come and take the little bairn away while we have a long-awaited catch up. Having a baby doesn’t automatically render you totally socially unaware and it’ll be rubbish with him there the whole time.

I guess though, reading some of these comments, that this makes me less of a mother 😂

Your not quite grasping it are you ? It’s not that she thinks she can’t bring the baby she is happy to meet for coffee during the day it’s going for a nice adult meal in drinks in the evenings then it changes to baby friendly coffee . That’s what the op is miffed about .

@gettingolderandgrumpy grasped it fine thanks. The thread has moved on in various ways since the initial OP. Lots of it is he real chat on the subject now.

*general

@gettingolderandgrumpy my point is, it’s not possible to have a ‘proper’ catch up at all with a baby in tow, which the OP is rightly miffed about, and the baby friend can’t grasp that.

YANBU

I think your main annoyance is that she asks if you are free to go for a meal in the evening, you clear your diary and then she changes plan at the last minute to include her baby. Which means it’s an early evening, not in the kind of place you’d have gone if she wasn’t bringing her baby and she leaves early. I have children, have breast fed and understand 100% the difficulties in breast feeding/leaving babies etc and it would annoy me too.

Fwiw most babies, even breast fed ones, can be left for a few hours as long as they are not bottle refusers or mum cannot express milk (both of which can be issues). Some mum’s might not want to express and bottle feed, even if they can and their baby would take a bottle, and/or might not want to leave their baby even for a short while- which is absolutely fine. But you don’t then make arrangements with your friend which involve doing exactly those things, surely?

I think those saying “wait until you have children, then you’ll understand” are rather missing the point. OP is happy to do the lunchtime, centred around baby meet ups. She’s not complaining about that- she’s annoyed that her friend makes arrangements and then changes the plan at the last minute to include the baby. Why make those arrangements if you don’t want to or cannot leave your baby with it’s father for the evening (for whatever reason)?

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. Meeting with a baby is a totally different dynamic and you can’t catch up properly.

I only took my baby with me if I knew the people I was seeing specifically wanted me to bring her. If it was a night for us then no!

Some women are just obsessed though and can’t leave their kid for five minutes.

Also, I think the comments about OP needing to be a “better friend” and “needing to ask her more about her life, now she’s a mum” and be understanding etc etc, are really quite ridiculous, and more than a little patronising.

When I became a mum, I managed to see friends, have a life and interests outside of my baby and being a mum. My brain did not cease to function. I did not have a personality transplant. I still cared about, and was interested in, my friends. I made time for them, we had many conversations which had nothing to do with my baby or how I was finding being a mum. They took an interest in my baby/my life and listened to my problems, for sure. But I also asked them about what was going on in their lives and listened to their problems/ moans etc. My life, in other words, changed in some ways but I did manage not to become utterly, totally and completely consumed by my baby and motherhood to the point where I only wanted about them when with my friends/ to the point where I stopped being a good friend (by becoming quite self-centred) and could only be bothered to do things on my terms, expecting everyone to fit in around me.

Having a baby doesn’t mean the world stops or that everything revolves around you or the baby. There are changes to your life, absolutely, and sometimes (especially early days) you simply can’t do things that you used to- which friends can and should accommodate- but messing your friends around isn’t something that inevitably has to happen.

So the baby is six months?

Give it time. It's early days. If she breastfeeds, it is hard to leave for more than a few hours

Babies change a lot. Quickly and in another six months, she maybe happy to have a night out without the child (or preggo again )

@saraclara

Hah! Add my praise to the obituary then. I'll be along shortly with some bakewell tarts for the wake.

@jacks11

Also, I think the comments about OP needing to be a “better friend” and “needing to ask her more about her life, now she’s a mum” and be understanding etc etc, are really quite ridiculous, and more than a little patronising.

When I became a mum, I managed to see friends, have a life and interests outside of my baby and being a mum. My brain did not cease to function. I did not have a personality transplant. I still cared about, and was interested in, my friends. I made time for them, we had many conversations which had nothing to do with my baby or how I was finding being a mum. They took an interest in my baby/my life and listened to my problems, for sure. But I also asked them about what was going on in their lives and listened to their problems/ moans etc. My life, in other words, changed in some ways but I did manage not to become utterly, totally and completely consumed by my baby and motherhood to the point where I only wanted about them when with my friends/ to the point where I stopped being a good friend (by becoming quite self-centred) and could only be bothered to do things on my terms, expecting everyone to fit in around me.

Having a baby doesn’t mean the world stops or that everything revolves around you or the baby. There are changes to your life, absolutely, and sometimes (especially early days) you simply can’t do things that you used to- which friends can and should accommodate- but messing your friends around isn’t something that inevitably has to happen.

Well said.

YANBU, I have an almost 12 week old and my DH and I do meet friends in the pub with our baby in a sling, but we make it very clear when we arrange things, that the baby will be there. We also schedule it for the early afternoon.

The fact that she still centres all conversation around the baby, even when it is sleeping, is bizarre. What's the point of her going out?

When ours is sleeping soundly in the sling we relish the time to get a couple of drinks in and talk to our friends about non baby topics.

I am in my late 30s, and have been on the receiving end of outings like you describe from friends who already have kids.

In theory, it was a catch up with a friend, but in practice, I was dragged to child friendly places where the friend spoke of nothing but their child/children for two hours, and would constantly cut me off mid sentence to talk to their baby or kids.

Also, I think the comments about OP needing to be a “better friend” and “needing to ask her more about her life, now she’s a mum” and be understanding etc etc, are really quite ridiculous, and more than a little patronising.

I agree. Some are so ridiculous and patronising, I actually wonder if they are tongue in cheek. Unfortunately, I don't think they are.

I would end the friendship.
Really: id hate this. Thanks no thanks.

It's ducking hard having a baby and not that easy to just leave them even with the father (especially if breastfeeding). I'm afraid you've got no idea of what having a baby involves and so you lack understanding in this situation and are not being a great friend at all.

are not being a great friend at all.
Becuase she doesn't want to be messed around?

Next time your friend invites you for a girls' night out
Make sure you invite at least one other mate to come along too
Then when she inevitably announces she has bub for the night
You can just say "Oh shame, we'll miss you! Next time" etc
She will soon learn to make appropriate plans or organise care
And you'll still get your fun night out with a more reliable mate
Win Win
(If you can't find a mate to come along, invent an imaginary one)