To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

The more you let her get away with these last minute change of plans, the more she'll continue to do it. Stop making evening plans with her, start saying yes to nights out with your other friends

[quote AnAverageMum]@DijfunvKd
No, I’m not going to read every single reply am I? What’s important should be in the OP, & from the OP and a few of the comments that followed you just came across arsey with a new mum who’s doing her best. Who's had a child and still wants to see her friends.

You saying the ONLY topic you talk about is how she’s doing now she’s a mum is so prickly as well.

& yes she can go to a pub in the evening with a baby ffs! Don’t go with her if it’s so boring. The ‘I don’t mind meeting her but it’s the last minute change of plans’ tripe was added later down the thread, probably to make you look like less of a dick.[/quote]
You don't need to read every single reply, but when you enter a long thread, it's sensible to click on 'see all' at the bottom of the OP, so that you at least know what OP has posted in answer to other people's questions.

YANBU OP - other people who have kids and young babies if you go to see them or out with them and their babies are extremely boring - or the kids/babies are.

Most mothers I know - even those with babies can't wait to get away for a night out away from them - you've entered the Twilight Zone of the MN Massive Mums/Babies Posse who think they should be around their baby every waking hour and sod everyone else!

It is rude of her and she's not being considerate to you by changing plans last minute. I usually ended up dropping these friends after a while and let them crack on with their mummy friends.

You could say something to her but I doubt she'd listen. I also can't see why at 6 months if she really wants a night out with you and not the baby and dad isn't around to mind a baby she just pays a sitter or calls in a favour from a mum friend to mind the baby.

@Gettingthereslowly2020

The more you let her get away with these last minute change of plans, the more she'll continue to do it. Stop making evening plans with her, start saying yes to nights out with your other friends

^this.

I've been in a similar position before I had my baby (age 4.5 months). Now I'm a mum myself I try to remember what it was like, and not just to talk about my baby all the time. I've had one or two lunches away from him (terrible mother award over here!) and really enjoy the adult conversation hearing about my friends lives.

YANBU.

I'd be honest with her - sounds like she's bottling it at the last minute and doesn't want to leave her baby.

Ohhhhh, 6 months old. Still so tiny. That baby bit goes so quickly. I was still breastfeeding then, I wouldn't have left her for drinks or a night out, or probably even a meal. That was my choice. The same way I guess that it's your choice to meet her with the child or continue the friendship if it's frustrating for you.

Just tell her you would rather meet for lunches etc or go to hers to meet her at her house or nice long walks and chats as she probably does miss having adult conversation and the baby is so small. I would not have brought my son (now 21) to pubs in evening anyway. Just talk to her next time you see her as I was so loved up with my son and loved been a new mum. Hard to understand if you do not have children yourself or if own kids are older. I do see your side as you think are having a night out but then is not just the pair of you. So just tell her until she can leave the baby meeting for lunches or for few hours daytime suits you best and maybe she is not getting the support from her other half that she thought she would.

I said YANBU

Because I think whilst it doesn’t bother you she brings her baby. It’s the fact she’s making plans to have an evening out with you THEN makes plans to bring baby

I think you’d have no problem seeing her for lunch and knowing she’d bring her baby as long as she didn’t make PLANS to see you.

@Abcdefgottago

Ohhhhh, 6 months old. Still so tiny. That baby bit goes so quickly. I was still breastfeeding then, I wouldn't have left her for drinks or a night out, or probably even a meal. That was my choice. The same way I guess that it's your choice to meet her with the child or continue the friendship if it's frustrating for you.

I left mine for three days at five months. I guess I get the Worst Mother of All Time award.

YANBU. She might not want to leave her baby (I really didn't) but the she shouldn't be making plans for the evening. I was quite lucky that I lived in France where it's acceptable to just put the baby in their pram to sleep and stay out late for dinner. If it meant having to leave early or changing the venue I wouldn't have accepted invites or suggested evenings out.

[quote AnAverageMum]@DijfunvKd
No, I’m not going to read every single reply am I? What’s important should be in the OP, & from the OP and a few of the comments that followed you just came across arsey with a new mum who’s doing her best. Who's had a child and still wants to see her friends.

You saying the ONLY topic you talk about is how she’s doing now she’s a mum is so prickly as well.

& yes she can go to a pub in the evening with a baby ffs! Don’t go with her if it’s so boring. The ‘I don’t mind meeting her but it’s the last minute change of plans’ tripe was added later down the thread, probably to make you look like less of a dick.[/quote]
If you refuse to RTFT then spare us your irrelevant ramblings.

Your friend clearly does not understand how you feel about the change of plans and spending so much time with her and baby, but she’s not a mind reader and while you keep replying with “no problem” she isn’t going to.

Personally, I’d not plan another night out with this friend for a while, and instead spend some time with the friends that do regularly invite you to go out-out and enjoy yourself. If DF asks why you’re not free, be honest and tell her that you like to let your hair down on a Friday night but you’re free on whatever day for lunch? Explain that you enjoy spending time with her and it’s lovely to see baby, but having a juice in Wetherspoons is something you do on a lunch time, not on a Friday night.

When you make plans for drinks in the city on a Friday night, it isn’t fair for her to decide her DH deserves that more than you and that bringing baby along and totally changing your night out is OK.

It’s like would it be OK for you to text her a few hours before a lunch date to say that you’ve decided that actually, you want to have a day sesh so DH needs to have baby?! Haha, I think not. And actually, in that situation, DF would say “oh no, I’m sorry you’ve changed your mind but that doesn’t work for me, I can’t change plans last minute like that” - and you need to start doing the same.

I see both sides tbh. It’s annoying that she is saying one thing but then cancelling but it will probably change. I think hang in there til the baby is older and not breastfed. However it sounds like she’s become a baby bore and maybe the friendship is fizzling out and you might have to decide if this person is enough of the same person she used to be and wether she’s worth waiting for.

I’m bf a 2 month old. Totally agree with you. I know my limits and no way would I be enforcing a baby on a friend when out for an evening meal/drinks! Baby chat is dull for most people too. I was always conscious to keep it to a minimum, even with other friends with children. Just suggest daytimes to meet and let her know evenings aren’t really working for you.

Why aren't people reading the full thread.
OP is perfectly willing to have day time meet ups while DF is reluctant to leave DB.

OP clearly has the patience of a saint, judging by the fact that she been quite restrained at all the people who have patronisingly told her that mothers can't leave babies and/or have assumed she doesn't have children etc etc

OP, you have my sympathies. Talking only to/about/though other people's children is boring. Completely agree that there is only so many times you can say how cute a baby is (and yes, I do have children).

Anyway, I agree with PP's suggestions of just refusing evening meet ups until she's ready to leave DB with her DH.

And, I think you must be a fantastic friend.

Thank you to everyone who's actually taken the time to read and understand my posts.

I replied to her saying that I was looking forward to going into the city, and could her mother not look after the baby? She replied saying her mother is busy and that if she had left the baby she could only stay out for two hours, but she can stay out till 10 if she and the baby come to my house.

I said I was looking forward to going out, so why not have lunch tomorrow or Sunday instead. She has replied saying she has plans for both and DB really wants to see her Auntie Dij. I haven't replied to that yet.

Im with you OP.
Years ago i visited my really close friend, hadn't seen her in months and months. Went up to visit in her house, baby was maybe 5 months.

Did the usual pleasantries.

But omg she did not stop talking to her baby!! Picking them up, talking to them, cooing at them - I'd literally be mid sentence, baby not made a sound, but she'd want to tell baby how adorable they were 🙄

I was in a bit of a shit place at the time and could have done with some of her focus on me - we've been friends for over 20 years.

I made sure i was never like that with my 2 😄

Babies are boring to most people who aren't the parents in my opinion.

Also, come on, just because breast fed doesn't mean she can't get away for a few hours, and tbh if it really is that difficult for her, I'd stop giving up your evenings OP. Harsh but fair.

I can't stand women who loose themselves when their babies arrive 💤💤💤 😁

However if you'd said baby was a newborn or 2 months old, then I'd say YABU 😉

Oh FFS it gets worse! Why arrange a night out when you can only go out for TWO hours!!

Please make some plans with your other friends OP and stick to baby friendly lunch dates with DF until baby is —much— older

Stay strong @DijfunvKd! Tell her that doesn’t work for you and best if you cancel. She has no problems saying no to you.

I suspect that the husband thing is an excuse - men who are hands-on and do bathtime etc don’t usually mind staying at home so their wives can go out with old friends now and then (which is as it should be!). I think she makes plans with the genuine intention of sticking to them but gets cold feet about leaving her baby on the day. I wouldn’t mind betting that she actually suggests that DH goes out with Bill/Brian/stepdad so that she has a way of altering the plan without being untruthful.

I’d maintain the friendship but decline weekend evening invitations from her.

@DijfunvKd

Thank you to everyone who's actually taken the time to read and understand my posts.

I replied to her saying that I was looking forward to going into the city, and could her mother not look after the baby? She replied saying her mother is busy and that if she had left the baby she could only stay out for two hours, but she can stay out till 10 if she and the baby come to my house.

I said I was looking forward to going out, so why not have lunch tomorrow or Sunday instead. She has replied saying she has plans for both and DB really wants to see her Auntie Dij. I haven't replied to that yet.

“Let’s just stick to daytime meet-ups till you’re ready to leave DB”??

Ugh. Probably time to get a bit dismissive and say you'd really rather go out, never mind, catch up soon. Etc.

She needs at least a hint from you.

@TrippinEdBalls

Yes I agree with this! Maybe she’s hoping for herself she can have a dinner? But then stresses out when the time comes.

But she's doing this on the day. This isn't some 'agreed to go on a hen do six months in the future while still pregnant and then realised closer to the time she couldn't' thing - she knew yesterday whether or not leaving the baby today would be a goer.

No, I don't think that's always how it goes for peoples. Sometimes they really hope right until that day that they can make the situation work.

What’s her DH like? Do you think he could be sabotaging her efforts to have a child free girls night out?

@DijfunvKd

Thank you to everyone who's actually taken the time to read and understand my posts.

I replied to her saying that I was looking forward to going into the city, and could her mother not look after the baby? She replied saying her mother is busy and that if she had left the baby she could only stay out for two hours, but she can stay out till 10 if she and the baby come to my house.

I said I was looking forward to going out, so why not have lunch tomorrow or Sunday instead. She has replied saying she has plans for both and DB really wants to see her Auntie Dij. I haven't replied to that yet.

I think you can’t back down in this position OP. Seems to always be on her terms.

Her Mum is always busy, her husband is always out on the town and she seems to find out last minute. That seeing Auntie Dij, feels like a guilt trip. I dunno, ma be I’m being harsh but I would just postpone until she can come without the baby. (But then I’ve been driven to breaking point in similar situations and am probably projecting)