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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 11/02/2022 16:40

I don't know how you've stood it so long.
Extremely boring to be out and listen to someone talk to about their baby the entire time.
I'd just dial the friendship down to the occasional lunch.

I'm curious if she actually has gone anywhere without the baby?

Synchrony · 11/02/2022 16:40

I have a baby under one. However I was never very interested in other people's babies tbh, and can see why you wouldn't always want to have evenings with a baby.

From my point of view, getting out in the evening is much harder than I anticipated. My husband would actively LIKE to watch the baby whilst I go out, and I don't mind leaving the baby with a sitter. Unfortunately though, the baby only sleeps when breastfed. They refuse a bottle, and I fail to express much anyway. The time of bedtime is unpredictable because it depends on when they wake up and when I manage to get them to nap, so I have had to cancel evening plans often because I have to get the baby to sleep. Believe me, we have tried all the options. Maybe there's a bit of misplaced optimism on her part?

At school a friend once stopped talking to me because I'd upset her. She never told me what I'd apparently done. I hate it when people expect me to mind read. So I strongly feel that your friend could be in blissful ignorance that you mind and you shouldn't be too hard on her until you talk to her about it (obviously in a kind way).

If the baby wasn't there, are you sure she wouldn't want to talk about nothing but the baby anyway? I dropped a friend once (who was child free) because all she did was talk about herself. She'd never ask about you. Was she a good friend pre-baby?

Allsorts1 · 11/02/2022 16:43

YANBU! You’re not saying she shouldn’t bring baby, you’re just saying that she keeps organising non baby friendly things with you and then bringing the baby, thus changing the plan and disappointing you. You are well within your rights to find this annoying.

The solution would be to assume she will bring the baby and just push back on any events she suggests that aren’t baby friendly. If she wants a night out just say, ah I’m just that night but do you fancy going to this art gallery and getting coffee after? Just only arrange baby friendly things with her until she actually starts leaving the baby with dad.

I have to take the same approach with friends who don’t drink alcohol who keep suggesting we meet at lovely cocktail bars - i found it too disappointing vs the night I had imagined!

CousinKrispy · 11/02/2022 16:43

So are you planning to actually speak with her honestly, OP, and tell her that the evenings out with baby just aren't working for you, and you'd rather stick to daytime get-togethers?

Or are you only responding to posts that will get everyone in a froth about parents v nonparents for an afternoon's entertainment?

CounsellorTroi · 11/02/2022 16:43

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream

You've never had a baby, clearly. I've breastfed 3 (still feeding an 11 month old) I still can't leave him longer than a couple of hours, so it is much easier to take him with me and feed wherever I am. My husband isnt tied to him like i am as he doesnt lactate, so yes he is more free to do things. I think your friend has clearly moved onto the next stage of her life and you are still at a very different point (eating out, going to the pub as you please). If you dont want the baby in tow or to listen to baby chat (this is her reality 24/7 so she can be forgiven for mentioning the tiny human her life revolves around) id find some childfree friends for meals out.

I'm sure you'll be back in a few years when you get there too, who knows by then the friend will have older kids and will probably fancy the childfree restaurant!

How superior and smug you sound.

TrippinEdBalls · 11/02/2022 16:44

Yes I agree with this! Maybe she’s hoping for herself she can have a dinner? But then stresses out when the time comes.

But she's doing this on the day. This isn't some 'agreed to go on a hen do six months in the future while still pregnant and then realised closer to the time she couldn't' thing - she knew yesterday whether or not leaving the baby today would be a goer.

Noisyneighneigh · 11/02/2022 16:44

@babyjellyfish. I said over night as in like my going to a hotel or his going to my mums for a sleepover. I've been drinking and going out for dinners since he was one.

Maybebabynumber1 · 11/02/2022 16:44

I have a 5 month old. She would piss me off with her change of plans last minute too. Also find it wearing if you have a friend that can only talk about their child (or about any single subject really). Ignore the posters that are bleating on about how you could only possibly understand if you had a child, I have one and I don’t get it. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all to expect her to stick to her plans or arrange something child friendly and let you know the baby will be there as well.

babyjellyfish · 11/02/2022 16:45

[quote Noisyneighneigh]@babyjellyfish. I said over night as in like my going to a hotel or his going to my mums for a sleepover. I've been drinking and going out for dinners since he was one.[/quote]
Good!

buddylicious · 11/02/2022 16:47

She is the baby's mum. You aren't. Why would you want to go to dinner with a young baby there too?

If she doesn't want to leave the baby then she shouldn't be arranging to meet you!

I've got FB friends who LITERALLY do nothing but post photos of their baby. It's getting boring and I'm not really that interested.

Happyhappyday · 11/02/2022 16:47

I’m on your side OP! I do have a kiddo and one who wouldn’t take a bottle so I didn’t make plans that didn’t work with that. I now have a toddler and a close friend who doesn’t have kids, unfortunately sometimes I do have to change plans or times by 15-30 minutes and I could tell it was really pissing her off so I finally said what I could offer her in terms of making plans and I understood if that didn’t work out for her. I think it still pissed her off but not much else I can do! She then helpfully sent me an article about how parents with toddlers are mega burned out with COVID and childcare disasters…. No shit.

If you can I think having an honest conversation with your friend and saying what you need in terms of making plans that would help. Then maybe agreeing to the minimum time of baby cooing face time (agree ing boring as shit!). I’m happy to do something helpful for other people’s children but I do not especially enjoy them.

RowanAlong · 11/02/2022 16:51

6 months breastfed baby - you’re being unreasonable. That’s what it’s like!

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 11/02/2022 16:51

@dijfunvkd I'm not angry 😁 more just feeling sorry for your pal, would be easier just saying all this to her though than mumsnet. By the sounds of it you want to be friends with the old version of her pre kids and she's trying to be the old her making plans she cant follow through. Either you both change the venue or friends.

NorthSouthcatlady · 11/02/2022 16:54

@CounsellorTroi l agree, totally condescending. Impressive as the condescension rating on this thread is sky high already!

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 11/02/2022 16:56

Cancel on her. Tell her you've been stressed and need a good night out drinking so you're going out with another friend instead. Tell her you're looking forward to catching up with her and baby over lunch next week.

bjjgirl · 11/02/2022 16:57

Yanbu at all, I breast fed both of my kids until they were 1, it has no impact. Your friend should stick to lunch time dates or meals at each other houses, no one wants to be around babies in a pub / restaurant at night, that's where we can go to escape our kids 😂

Original poster

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 16:57

@CousinKrispy

So are you planning to actually speak with her honestly, OP, and tell her that the evenings out with baby just aren't working for you, and you'd rather stick to daytime get-togethers?

Or are you only responding to posts that will get everyone in a froth about parents v nonparents for an afternoon's entertainment?

I made not one mention of people who don't have children. I didn't mention whether I did or didn't. If you want to be arsey, perhaps direct it at the people who have came on just to mention how non mothers can't possibly understand the stress of having a baby and a friend.

OP posts:

ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 16:58

YANBU, you really aren't. Unfortunately the sheer stress of getting an under-one happy in a café meant I spent most of my mat leave only meeting other mums with babies
so, with other friends, I stuck to daytime things not pinned to a table. I did things like made a couple of coffees and suggested a walk, went for brunch on weekends while DH had DS, and invited them round to sit in the garden so I could put DS in a bouncy chair for a nap. No evening pubbing. I was also breastfeeding.

You've made it seem like you don't mind now though. All of the ah well, her partner's needs come first stuff is indicative of a bit of a doormat and you're offering her a bit sigh of relief that she gets to tick off "catch up with friend" and "Be good wife" at the same time.

Orchid876 · 11/02/2022 17:00

I wouldn't make an evening arrangement with a friend and bring my baby, I agree OP that lunch or a coffee is more realistic.

TrippinEdBalls · 11/02/2022 17:01

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I think this too. Make it clear that, actually, you do mind the change of plans.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 17:02

Sorry, I mean she is being a doormat not you!

Isitsixoclockalready · 11/02/2022 17:02

I liked the advice that someone gave whereby she suggested to cut the friend some slack but perhaps try and steer the conversation away from babies all the time. It must be an all consuming time but I bet that the friend would appreciate being able to be a person again as well as a mum.

AnAverageMum · 11/02/2022 17:03

@DijfunvKd
No, I’m not going to read every single reply am I? What’s important should be in the OP, & from the OP and a few of the comments that followed you just came across arsey with a new mum who’s doing her best. Who's had a child and still wants to see her friends.

You saying the ONLY topic you talk about is how she’s doing now she’s a mum is so prickly as well.

Xyzzzzz · 11/02/2022 17:03

OP I have a toddler and a baby and I agree with you. She shouldn’t make plans to go to x place and then just cancel it etc. stick to the lunches.

Original poster

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 17:07

[quote AnAverageMum]@DijfunvKd
No, I’m not going to read every single reply am I? What’s important should be in the OP, & from the OP and a few of the comments that followed you just came across arsey with a new mum who’s doing her best. Who's had a child and still wants to see her friends.

You saying the ONLY topic you talk about is how she’s doing now she’s a mum is so prickly as well.

& yes she can go to a pub in the evening with a baby ffs! Don’t go with her if it’s so boring. The ‘I don’t mind meeting her but it’s the last minute change of plans’ tripe was added later down the thread, probably to make you look like less of a dick.[/quote]
Added later? It was the second paragraph of the OP. Here it is so you don't have to trouble yourself to read another post.

She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

OP posts:

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