To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

@Ruby0707

I am in a similar situation but friend has been breastfeeding for 22 months now.

Buckle up, it could be a long ride.

Your friend's 22 month old can't be breastfeeding every three hours, surely?!

My 10 month old is down to three times a day, including one bottle feed of expressed milk.

@DijfunvKd If friend is staying with her parents, is there a reason why they couldn't watch her baby for the evening?

I'd definitely be responding to her recent messages re tonight with "Ah that's a shame, can't your parents have her for a couple of hours? Was really looking forward to a proper catch-up with you."

Tbh though, if she is insistent on bringing the baby I'd probably say I was a bit tired actually and maybe we can do something another time.

@AnAverageMum

YABVU. But you will probably only realise that once (if) you choose to have children. If you don’t want to meet her with the baby then don’t meet her & ‘waste’ (nice) your precious free time. But do not judge her for it, because if she’d left her 6 month old for a night she’d be judged for that too - trust me!

She probably feels if she left baby she’d be clock watching so rather just plonk baby on her lap and enjoy her time with her friend.

Your friends life & priorities have changed and if you are a good friend you’ll respect that.

‘Hi x, Friday sounds good are you bringing baby? Just so I know how long we’ll likely be out.’

There is a link under the OP which will allow you to read my previous posts in one easy thread.

And yes, being home at 9pm after a couple of hours of talking to a baby is a waste of a Friday evening. It's unnecessary to do that then.

I didn't need to send that text. She was not intending to bring the baby until this morning. You'd know that, if you'd bothered to read the thread.

@TrippinEdBalls

That's appalling *@MabelsApron* - luckily I've never encountered people who have behaved that badly. Surely your friends showed some sign of this selfishness before they had children? In my own experience people who were already self-involved extend their self-obsession to any children they have, but normal people have a brief period in the baby bubble at most and then come to their senses!

Not particularly - no more than the average person. They just entered into a period of life where society calls you special and more worthy, and they believed it. I assume they still do, I’m not in contact with them anymore!

@AnAverageMum

YABVU. But you will probably only realise that once (if) you choose to have children. If you don’t want to meet her with the baby then don’t meet her & ‘waste’ (nice) your precious free time. But do not judge her for it, because if she’d left her 6 month old for a night she’d be judged for that too - trust me!

She probably feels if she left baby she’d be clock watching so rather just plonk baby on her lap and enjoy her time with her friend.

Your friends life & priorities have changed and if you are a good friend you’ll respect that.

‘Hi x, Friday sounds good are you bringing baby? Just so I know how long we’ll likely be out.’

Omggg these comments!

Friend needs to stop inviting OP out for the evening and then springing the baby on her at the last minute.

If she doesn't want to leave her baby then that's fine, but just stick to making plans during the day which involve the baby from the start. OP has no issue with that.

You've not revealed if you've had kids, you harped on about omitting whether you do so everyone doesn't say, youve clearly no idea. If you have kids then you mustn't have breastfed as you'd realise how hard it is to leave a 6 month old who is ebf for the evening. Your friend probably wants to go on your childfree evening but then the logistics of having to pump milk and store it for the evening and the stress of leaving a ebf baby is obviously too much so she changes plans. Maybe you are much older than your friend and you have totally forgot how it was, who knows? You need to find some friends who don't have babies either way.

@saraclara how do you know? Both situations might be solved by simply being direct. The other poster clearly doesn't enjoy it and I don't blame her.

It sounds like she'd like time out but it's not working out for her. She's probably being too optimistic about the idea that the baby can stay with it's father at this point.

Te thing is, babies change all the time, she is likely hoping each time that this time it will work out.

I'd just assume baby will come with. Go to the pub if your fried wants, they are fine with a baby, jut different. It's unfortunately common that babies interrupt adult conversation, but it passes.

If you are bored by your friend that's a different story. See her less, I guess.

I have a friend who when she had children wanted to keep doing the same things as before so would arrange things (eg a lunch) and then 15 mins before I was about to leave I would get a message saying - oh baby has just fallen asleep/been sick over clothes etc and can we now meet in 3 hours time. I found it annoying so I just vowed to only meet her on days when I had nothing else to do so that it wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t get annoyed as I wasn’t doing anything later anyway. Otherwise v annoying when someone assumes their time is more valuable than yours! I really hate that.
I’ve since become a mum that doesn’t like to leave DB which I would’ve been like 🙄 about before! And I often stress that my friendships get effected - I probably so different things to your friend and make excuses not to meet etc - which stresses me in itself but then I don’t feel like I can say the truth as I worry it wil sound pathetic.
I think you should just only plan to meet in coffee shops etc for now and then see if you reconnect for more fun stuff in a few years? If she suggests meeting in a restaurant you can always say nicely - ah let’s arrange brunch instead and then you can bring DB if you want to as I know plans can change last minute?
Some people can be very difficult when they have kids, I’ve probably become one of them and never thought I would…so I guess I can sympathise on both sides having been in positions like yours too

[quote Glitterygreen]@DijfunvKd If friend is staying with her parents, is there a reason why they couldn't watch her baby for the evening?

I'd definitely be responding to her recent messages re tonight with "Ah that's a shame, can't your parents have her for a couple of hours? Was really looking forward to a proper catch-up with you."

Tbh though, if she is insistent on bringing the baby I'd probably say I was a bit tired actually and maybe we can do something another time.[/quote]
No reason at all. When I've asked she's said 'oh I think my mum might be working a late shift'.

It's why I'm not convinced at all by PPs suggestions that maybe her DH is refusing. I think she just doesn't want to leave the baby. Which is up to her, but stop messing my plans about.

@MangyInseam

It sounds like she'd like time out but it's not working out for her. She's probably being too optimistic about the idea that the baby can stay with it's father at this point.

Te thing is, babies change all the time, she is likely hoping each time that this time it will work out.

I'd just assume baby will come with. Go to the pub if your fried wants, they are fine with a baby, jut different. It's unfortunately common that babies interrupt adult conversation, but it passes.

If you are bored by your friend that's a different story. See her less, I guess.

Yes I agree with this! Maybe she’s hoping for herself she can have a dinner? But then stresses out when the time comes.

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream

You've not revealed if you've had kids, you harped on about omitting whether you do so everyone doesn't say, youve clearly no idea. If you have kids then you mustn't have breastfed as you'd realise how hard it is to leave a 6 month old who is ebf for the evening. Your friend probably wants to go on your childfree evening but then the logistics of having to pump milk and store it for the evening and the stress of leaving a ebf baby is obviously too much so she changes plans. Maybe you are much older than your friend and you have totally forgot how it was, who knows? You need to find some friends who don't have babies either way.

If this is the case, surely friend would only have done it once though?

It sounds like this is a repeated pattern.

'One of my friends brought her 1 year old and 3 year old along, saying although she agreed to come to an adult evening she just couldn’t bear to leave the little ones at home and I wouldn’t even notice them.'

Oh dear god. I would be livid. LIVID. End of friendship for me. If she was unable to leave her precious darlings, then she needed to stay home, not inflict them and her endless poo talk on your evening

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream But other posters on here who have clearly stated they are mothers have agreed with the poster???

Maybe you struggle more with managing the responsibilities of being a mother than others do?

The OP has omitted whether or not she has kids because tbh it's irrelevant. Friend is rude.

But you will probably only realise that once (if) you choose to have children.

If I had a fiver for every one of these stunningly othering and insensitive posts, I'd have a really nice chunk of money. I could either fund a meal out to those on this thread who've chosen to be childless or haven't found the right father yet, or make a hefty donation to a charity that helps those with infertility.

I have a baby and I don’t discuss his poo with anyone 😂 I had to mute the NCT group chat when they started that topic up. I really don’t think anyone else needs to know!

@babyjellyfish. My 26 month old breastfeeds a lot. I do leave him though just haven't plucked up the courage be away from him over night yet

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream

You've not revealed if you've had kids, you harped on about omitting whether you do so everyone doesn't say, youve clearly no idea. If you have kids then you mustn't have breastfed as you'd realise how hard it is to leave a 6 month old who is ebf for the evening. Your friend probably wants to go on your childfree evening but then the logistics of having to pump milk and store it for the evening and the stress of leaving a ebf baby is obviously too much so she changes plans. Maybe you are much older than your friend and you have totally forgot how it was, who knows? You need to find some friends who don't have babies either way.

I've got lots of friends without babies, and lots who do.

You seem very angry. I am not the one making the arrangements, my friend is. If it is too stressful, then she can simply not make the arrangements. Does that make sense to you?

Easy fix OP, decline last minute changes to plans in the evenings and direct all invitations for evening plans to afternoon ones until she is able to see a night out through. DC is 3 and I still struggle to be away from him for a night out esp as he is in nursery all week. Wouldn't mind if my friends did rrhis, would honestly feel relieved I wasn't pressured to keep up when so much has changed and I'm still finding my way

Personally would cancel tonight, saying it wasn’t what was agreed and you don’t want to do it. Going to Wetherspoons for about hour or so to drink lemonade sounds dull. It’s fine if she wants to have no boundaries with her husband re childcare but why is she making that your problem

No reason at all. When I've asked she's said 'oh I think my mum might be working a late shift'.

It's why I'm not convinced at all by PPs suggestions that maybe her DH is refusing. I think she just doesn't want to leave the baby. Which is up to her, but stop messing my plans about.

I completely sympathise and agree with you @DijfunvKd.

I think you've made it very clear that you are happy to child-friendly things with her during the day.

Tbh I think the only thing you can do now is turn down any evening invitations from this friend as it's clear it's not going to go your way - for the foreseeable future anyway.

Any time she asks re an evening - "Ah sorry, I'm not free any evenings this weekend, shall we do a lunch instead?"

End of.

@saraclara

But you will probably only realise that once (if) you choose to have children.

If I had a fiver for every one of these stunningly othering and insensitive posts, I'd have a really nice chunk of money. I could either fund a meal out to those on this thread who've chosen to be childless or haven't found the right father yet, or make a hefty donation to a charity that helps those with infertility.

I know @saraclara like it’s always a bloody choice. ‘If’ you choose - I agree, how insensitive!

[quote Noisyneighneigh]@babyjellyfish. My 26 month old breastfeeds a lot. I do leave him though just haven't plucked up the courage be away from him over night yet[/quote]
Maybe not overnight (I left mine overnight at 7 months for an unavoidable work trip just after I finished my maternity leave), but surely you could go out for an evening?

I am not in the UK and most women have gone back to work by the time their babies are 6 months old. I think that must make a big difference to people's attitudes. Certainly by the time my baby was about 4 or 5 months old my husband started telling me I should make plans to go out with my friends one evening (which I did for the first time when my son was 6 months old), and since then I've had other child free evenings with two different friends who both had babies in the last year (one older and one younger than mine).

It's so important to make the time to do something other than being your child's mum every once in a while.

This reminds me of a recent conversation about my stepdaughter’s forthcoming 30th birthday.

Stepson (father of two children under four): “Why can’t people do child friendly things to celebrate their birthdays?”

Me:”I suppose it might be because they haven’t got children nor have any of the other people they’ve invited”.