To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

Sounds like you get nothing from the meeting, arrange a child free night out instead?

Yes, because arranging a child free night out is working so well for the OP. Which is what this entire thread is about @Noisyneighneigh

'What are you thinking or orang Dij?'

Thinking to order, even.

It's actually mad how many people here think it's OK to mess a friend around like this just because you have a baby.

As OP said, she is happy to do child-friendly stuff too, but when she is specifically invited to an adult activity and is looking forward to that, she doesn't always want the plan to be canned and shortened because yet again her friend is having to bring her baby.

I don't think OP is in the wrong at all.

If friend isn't ready to leave her baby then that's fine, but stop inviting OP to things and then not following through. It's rude.

@Flittingaboutagain

I'm probably just like your friend in that I don't want to and can't really leave my ebf baby...but I deliberately don't make plans that don't involve the baby since I tried to go out alone and hated every second!

How you feel is quite normal, I didn't go on nights out when my baby was small. Time enough for that later. I did work part time, two days a week at first, and my mum did child care so I had some exclusively adult company.

I hope the op's friend isn't on Mumsnet and doesn't read this thread. How she feels is natural enough but how her friend feels is also natural. In the op's place I would just be less available for nights out in the foreseeable future, there's no need to make a point of not wanting to be with her and her baby. Hopefully both women have other friends and life goes on.

You've never had a baby, clearly

Hits. Head. On. Desk.

It’s funny, I was about 60% YANBU at the OP but have become YABVU the more you insist that she is totally at fault. You’re not willing to cut your friend the slack she needs at a tricky time of adjustment - or rather, I think you feel like you have already gone over and above in terms of cutting her the slack. And you aren’t getting any enjoyment out of the friendship. So why not just go your separate ways? If it turns into a battle between your needs and what she sees as the baby’s needs, she will put the baby first. I lost friends in the first year of my baby’s life. I have never missed them after a few gulps of realising what had happened, and I am sure they don’t miss me. Things just change. Do yourself a favour and don’t accept any more evening invites from her.

@WheelieBinPrincess

This is what it’s like when I meet my friend and her toddler, for a ‘catch up’.

Me: lovely to see you, I feel like-

Df: STOP IT! STOP IT! Take your coat off NO NOT ON THE FLOOR yes Wheelie, I know, I feel so out of touch with everyone these KIND HANDS KIND HANDS

Me: Shall we get a cake, we can share a-

Df: DO YOU NEED THE TOILET? You do. Yes you do. Mummy will take you to the toilet sorry Wheelie what were you saying, how’s the situation with NOW! WE ARE GOING TO THE TOILET NOW

Me: well yeah, all a bit of a mess really, I-

Df: NO! THAT’S NOT YOURS!! Where’s your Ella’s Kitchen? PEAR!!! NO IT’S PEAR
sorry Wheelie do you know what he’s a nightmare today so I’m going to shoot off, thanks for the catch up though so lovely to see you COAT ON COAT ON

And I love her but Christ alive, it’s totally wearing. Some people just don’t want get it.

This is hilarious @WheelieBinPrincess ! I’m afraid I am just like your friend, I have a 10 month old and a 2.5 year old and it’s ridiculous. I hate it too, and love when I get a proper adult conversation. My husband works late nights and weekends, which in one sense is fab as it saves on childcare, but it means he is never free to join after the kiddos on my days off. If we do have any time, say if one of us has a day off, we like to spend it together.

If anyone reading this is one of my friends I’m so sorry, thank you for bearing with me, this won’t last forever (everyone tells me…).

Have you told her tonight is off yet?

You really don’t need to continue defending yourself here and going in about what she talks about when you meet. Just cancel tonight and say you’ll arrange a proper night when she’s child free for the evening. Simple

That's appalling @MabelsApron - luckily I've never encountered people who have behaved that badly. Surely your friends showed some sign of this selfishness before they had children? In my own experience people who were already self-involved extend their self-obsession to any children they have, but normal people have a brief period in the baby bubble at most and then come to their senses!

@MabelsApron

Fondly recalling the time I arranged and paid for my 30th to be at a lovely expensive restaurant, intending it to be a chance to have an elegant understated evening with my friends. Table booking at 9 and everyone was getting dressed up etc. One of my friends brought her 1 year old and 3 year old along, saying although she agreed to come to an adult evening she just couldn’t bear to leave the little ones at home and I wouldn’t even notice them.

Of course, they cried and fussed and threw food whilst my friend spent half the night regaling us all with toileting stories, which the group of friends then joyfully joined in with because they had kids too, and before I knew it the evening turned into a mums coffee morning at Costa.

I did try and bring the topic back to anything other than poo and weaning and purée but every time I did, we’d end up right back there. Friends all left saying it was so nice to have a catch up and see the little ones!

I guess I should be grateful they all showed up huh?

That was awful of your friend and so sad for you. Once my children reached 18 months I avoid restaurants and even cafés at all costs. I can't take the stress. I can't believe she wanted to.

@SausageFox

I'm still not sure why the halfway house of takeaway and drinks at hers isn't a possibility? Baby will probably sleep through most of it. Maybe she'll relax and you can get to the bottom of the issue. Plus you can still have a fun evening.

She doesn't have a house around where I live. She stays with her parents when she visits.

She does often suggest changing the plans to coming to my house for drinks when she has to bring the baby, which is absolutely fine in theory, but in reality becomes us just looking at and talking to the baby, with moments between where we talk about the baby.

If you can't (for some reason) have the (more than reasonable) honest conversation with her about this then just make excuses and turn down any evening invites and say you can only make lunch. Problem solved surely?

FWIW - YANBU - I'd feel same as you. And I have kids.

@Glitterygreen

It's actually mad how many people here think it's OK to mess a friend around like this just because you have a baby.

As OP said, she is happy to do child-friendly stuff too, but when she is specifically invited to an adult activity and is looking forward to that, she doesn't always want the plan to be canned and shortened because yet again her friend is having to bring her baby.

I don't think OP is in the wrong at all.

If friend isn't ready to leave her baby then that's fine, but stop inviting OP to things and then not following through. It's rude.

I agree.

@saraclara

Sounds like you get nothing from the meeting, arrange a child free night out instead?

Yes, because arranging a child free night out is working so well for the OP. Which is what this entire thread is about @Noisyneighneigh

I wasn't talking to the OP.

Just cancel tonight and say you’ll arrange a proper night when she’s child free for the evening.

Yep. I'm coming round to this. She's quite simply not giving you a moment's thought and consideration. Mothers of babies don't get to dictate everything and mess people about without at least showing some interest in the person they're inconveniencing in return.

I am in a similar situation but friend has been breastfeeding for 22 months now.

Buckle up, it could be a long ride.

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream

You've never had a baby, clearly. I've breastfed 3 (still feeding an 11 month old) I still can't leave him longer than a couple of hours, so it is much easier to take him with me and feed wherever I am. My husband isnt tied to him like i am as he doesnt lactate, so yes he is more free to do things. I think your friend has clearly moved onto the next stage of her life and you are still at a very different point (eating out, going to the pub as you please). If you dont want the baby in tow or to listen to baby chat (this is her reality 24/7 so she can be forgiven for mentioning the tiny human her life revolves around) id find some childfree friends for meals out.

I'm sure you'll be back in a few years when you get there too, who knows by then the friend will have older kids and will probably fancy the childfree restaurant!

Fucking hell.

Read the full thread.

I wasn't talking to the OP.

I know @Noisyneighneigh. But you were telling the other poster to do something that this whole thread shows probably won't work either.

I feel like lots of these comments are unrealistic about what it's actually like to be out trying even to have a coffee with a baby.

I love to see my friends with their babies, but I wouldn't pretend the whole date doesn't revolve around entertaining the baby, feeding the baby, changing the baby, leaving early for a walk to stop the baby getting restless etc etc.

You set your boundaries
"Lovely I am free for an hour on Tuesday. "
Since you now know that is best arrangement
You take control

I'm late to this thread, and hit on YANBU fully assuming that the balance would be 98% YANBU to 2% YABU (cos there's always the outliers). I'm staggered at some responses.

OP has been so clear what the issue is, would accept meeting her DF in baby-friendly situations e.g. lunches, is trying to be reasonable and she has had the maddest responses ('are you very young?', 'clearly you don't have DC' and the rest).

But @WheelieBinPrincess what a brilliant, brilliant post. I have been that soldier (both soldiers, demented mum and ignored friend. You capture it perfectly. Love the 'do you need the toilet? Yes you do. TOILET NOW'). Perfectly written!

Bloody hell. I hadn't looked at the voting until now. Are people insane?

Ugh.

YABVU. But you will probably only realise that once (if) you choose to have children. If you don’t want to meet her with the baby then don’t meet her & ‘waste’ (nice) your precious free time. But do not judge her for it, because if she’d left her 6 month old for a night she’d be judged for that too - trust me!

She probably feels if she left baby she’d be clock watching so rather just plonk baby on her lap and enjoy her time with her friend.

Your friends life & priorities have changed and if you are a good friend you’ll respect that.

‘Hi x, Friday sounds good are you bringing baby? Just so I know how long we’ll likely be out.’

I don't think the OP is in the wrong. I went out and left my son for an hour or so when he was six months old. He was perfectly safe with his dad (or with my mum or even a good friend on one occasion so we could go to the cinema).

And the dad does go out and leave the baby. So why can't the mum? Even if BF you get a couple of hours between feeds.

@AnAverageMum for real????