To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

@babyjellyfish. I clicked on "All" but somehow missed the updates clicked after posting and realised that were 26 updates. Whoops.

I have a child and this would annoy me too OP - I think you can suggest doing something else

Haven't read the full thread but...a feeling is a feeling. Doesn't matter if it's reasonable or not reasonable...but I guess how to proceed does matter. Tough one...

@Noisyneighneigh

1. You don't have kids.

5. I have no idea why I numbered this post

I have no idea why would you write such a smug/nasty post.

@CornishGem1975 Of course it’s not all mums but I have to say, I had 13 mum friends through my 20s to mid-30s and now I have zero. Most of them dropped me for other mum friends after I’d been patient with them through the baby stage (saying they could no longer relate to the “silly” problems non-parents have). I don’t bother having patience anymore as it’s never reciprocated in my experience.

How many times has this happened? She has a 6 month old and you live several hours away?

I think she might have a bit of a DH problem (with him making plans over hers) and TBH I'd be very impressed if anyone with an EBF 6 month old managed to leave the house without them (my first two always refused expressed milk). She can probably tell you are frustrated but still wants to see you when she's in the area. Have you gone to see her in the last 6 months?

@DijfunvKd sorry please see my explanation directed @babyjellyfish. I really don't know how I missed your updates.

@phishy why is it smug?

[quote MabelsApron]@CornishGem1975 Of course it’s not all mums but I have to say, I had 13 mum friends through my 20s to mid-30s and now I have zero. Most of them dropped me for other mum friends after I’d been patient with them through the baby stage (saying they could no longer relate to the “silly” problems non-parents have). I don’t bother having patience anymore as it’s never reciprocated in my experience.[/quote]
Yeah I understand that and don't blame you at all. I think it's a difficult dynamic because people's lives revolve around their babies/toddlers/children and for some people, it's all they focus on in life.

I have to say I don't think I am like that, I like seeing my non-parent friends because quite honestly if I am going out without my kids, I don't want to sit and talk about them. One of the reasons I joined a local book club - some are mums, some aren't, some I have no clue if they are or not...we go out drink wine, talk about books and other stuff and it's not a 'mum' thing which personally, I am grateful for!

@DijfunvKd

Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Can we please pack it in with the insinuations that 'it'll be your turn soon' and that will result in me having some sort of lobotomy where I think changing plans last minute to resolve around a baby is fine and dandy.

For all anyone on this thread knows, I have grown up children, school age children, have hit menopause, am struggling to conceive, don't want to conceive etc etc.

The number of posts presuming that I just don't understand how it is with a baby based on absolutely sod all is insane. We are not in our 20s with DF the first of our 'group' to have a baby, which seems to be the scenario that some posters have invented in their heads.

This, with fucking bells on.

On these threads there's always a bunch of responses along the lines of "Having a baby entitles you to behave like an arse but put up with it and one day you'll get your go".

@JaninaDuszejko

How many times has this happened? She has a 6 month old and you live several hours away?

I think she might have a bit of a DH problem (with him making plans over hers) and TBH I'd be very impressed if anyone with an EBF 6 month old managed to leave the house without them (my first two always refused expressed milk). She can probably tell you are frustrated but still wants to see you when she's in the area. Have you gone to see her in the last 6 months?

She comes home every three weeks or so for the weekend, longer over Christmas.

Yes, I have gone to see her, and it's the same when I'm there. I said so in the OP.

Is she making plans to go out for dinner to tie you in, as she thinks you wouldn’t just want to meet for coffee etc? Honestly you need to tell her next time you’re happy to meet with dc and arrange that, but don’t want to plan evening out because you accept she isn’t in the right headspace for that … you have examples to give her if she asks! She might wish otherwise, and think she want dinner and drinks , but her actions speak louder. Maybe reassure her that you will be more than happy to go out as adults when she is ready. Tbh her dh should be encouraging her to leave dc with him, but he’s currently on a winner!

If the baby is only six months it may well be that they can't be left for more than a very short time. This would have applied to one of my three ( youngest) . My oldest was reliable to sleep for up to 4 hours so could be left for that sort of time window and once drinking well from a beaker 8/9 months could have been ( and occasionally was) left for longer with DH or a babysitter.
I was working from when my middle child was 12 weeks so they could be left with a bottle or by six months with a beaker.
It varies a lot. Having said that I could leave them, I very rarely did. I wasn't good at prioritising fun for myself over the possibility of the baby missing me or indeed DH panicking.We were hard up so socialising was a very rare occasion and a treat for us both.

YABU to expect a 6 month old to stay home; unfortunately you just have to ignore what your friend thinks she's able to do. She won't. I think I did manage a girls' night out once before 6 months, but even then, it was only for 2-3 hours (no chance at expressing at the rate DS fed, etc etc)

YANBU in general, though. New mums with babies are (understandably!) absorbed by the baby situation and are incredibly difficult to socialise with if you don't have your own baby there with you.

Firstly, it really depends on whether she's trying to get out alive, but her husband keeps booking plans over her/, they cross book, or whether she's using that as an excuse.

If its an excuse, then she should be honest with you. If its him, then they need to resolve that. Its not fair to keep letting you down.

That being said, I do think some of your expectations are off. My first I bottle fed. I start had a night out to a party when she was 3w old. I went away for the night when she was 3m old. My second is breastfed and refused bottles (we tried every one going!). I didn't get an evening out to sure was fine 2, and a night away, 2.5

On these threads there's always a bunch of responses along the lines of "Having a baby entitles you to behave like an arse but put up with it and one day you'll get your go”

This with bells on. And in real life too, I’d say.

[quote MabelsApron]@CornishGem1975 Of course it’s not all mums but I have to say, I had 13 mum friends through my 20s to mid-30s and now I have zero. Most of them dropped me for other mum friends after I’d been patient with them through the baby stage (saying they could no longer relate to the “silly” problems non-parents have). I don’t bother having patience anymore as it’s never reciprocated in my experience.[/quote]
Bells on this post too.

I've sat out the baby phase only to find that friends have formed new networks by the time the babies are toddlers/small children. "Oh, it's just easier to be around people that understand" or "Well, we all just took the children to the park", which really translates as "We couldn't be arsed to think outside our own little worlds any more".

I've lost track of the friends who've made no effort for years only to expect me to be free for them when they fancy big nights out and want "someone to talk about something other than kids!" when the children are older. Like child-free people provide a Have A Break From Your Family service Much as a PP said that babies can't be put away when they're inconvenient, neither can friendships if you want them to continue.

Add in breastfeeding…that literally has you rooted to the sofa for 12-18 months

I don't think you know what literally means, @BrainPotter
Also you're being ridiculous. I breast fed my babies into their second year, and by no means did it prevent me moving from the sofa, or even my house. Nor did it somehow prevent me from showing an interest in my friend's lives.

I did take them out in a sling in the evening though. We went to parties, restaurants, bars, even a festival (baby ear defenders on).

I think YABU, but I get where your frustration is coming from.

My son is 12 months. He's breastfed but obviously eats 3 meals a day now. Always refused bottles. If he goes longer than four hours away from me (and boob) he turns himself purple and vomits from screaming. People tell me I should gently wean, etc. but I'm not going to do that. I'll work my life around him as best I can. So, when I meet friends for a few drinks now I plan it around those breaks. Or they come to mine for a wine or two of an evening (you can drink and BF, if your friend isn't aware).

When he was very small (same as as your friend's baby) I did plan evenings away from him but he'd end up back with me. Because he did the screaming hysterically thing. I tried this about three times hoping it'd get better. It didn't. Maybe your friend just has to learn that.

In the end, DH would being baby to meet us in the local for a snuggle and a feed. I did not spend the entire time cooing over him, but I did interact. That's just how it had to be. Few hours alone time with friends, few with baby there too.

Your friend could try that. But your attitude here feels prickly. I think you need to realise what your friend is going through. Her body, her life, everything has changed. She has a baby that (and some mums aren't like this which is also normal) she feels compelled to spend A LOT of time with. You should figure out a compromise but give her some slack.

Hard to leave EBF babies of that age as they can become distressed with their father or other caregiver when they get hungry. Most first time mums don’t predict this before DC.

I’d only make plans to meet her that suit you, eg in the daytime.

I didn’t and still don’t enjoy mixing ‘adult’ stuff (eg bars, restaurants in the eve) with tiny DC (my own or others!) so avoid it.

@DijfunvKd. Apologies again I missed that in the OP that she changes the plans at the last minute. She is being unreasonable especially at night. I would be pissed off if a friend brought their baby to a pub at night but I'd cancel. It sounds like you do mind the lunches a bit.
YANBU to want plans to stay the same. I guess you just need to be honest with her, or if you can't, cancel repeatedly. She'll get the message.

I have children and it would annoy me too.

Why does it have to be dinner in a pub? She’s had a baby presumably her nights have changed and she’s quite happy having food and soft drinks in a cafe etc. If you want a pissed up night you need a new friend that’s not got kids. Her baby is 6 months old and I don’t blame her for wanting the babe with her. Perhaps she fears you’ll ditch her so wants to keep things like in the past but then realises she has the baby so has to change it.