To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

@BrainPotter

Hahahaha I remember thinking I would still socialise when I had children. How wrong I was, I make plans and then things change at the drop of a hat. My children come first and so plans often change or are cancelled. It must be hard for you, I get it, but your friends little one is her world and will always come first from now on. Add in breastfeeding…that literally has you rooted to the sofa for 12-18 months. Babies do not feed on a predetermined schedule.

Rooted to a sofa for 12 to 18 months? Are you out of your mind? (well anyone would be if that's how they carry on). I exclusively breastfed both of mine and was never rooted to anything. I couldnt be, I had a house to run, other obligations, another child to care for when I had my second. Oh and friends to meet, exercise to get and fun to have. Friendships are really really important, and if you have good ones, you don't dick people around. Continually breaking plans and this level of self or family absorption is very short sighted as well as rude.

This would annoy me too. I would also be annoyed at the replies you're getting. Everyone saying you don't understand what it's like to have a baby, you must be young, obviously don't have children etc etc. Read what the OP has written. It's not the fact her friend has a baby and can't go out on the town for the night, it's that she says she will do things and then changes arrangements to work around the baby. Just say what you can and can't do, ie I can do lunch but will have to bring the baby but I can't do a night out yet.

Agree @theleafandnotthetree I have three DC and I've never just randomly cancelled or changed things for the kids (excluding a severe illness...mild illness, their dad can cope!). It's just rude and says to the other person, that their time is not important. My children are great but my entire world does not revolve around them.

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?

Wow good for you! How can any of us ever measure up to your superior parenting?

So maybe you time won't come, it already came, or you don't want kids. Maybe you want them and can't have them, and if so I'm sorry to hear it. Maybe there are never times when your judgement is clouded. I don't think that means you can't have empathy and cut your friend some slack, but if you do, that's fine.

Tell her you think her bringing the baby to the pub is annoying. That it spoils your night. That it means you can't make plans for later in the night. Perhaps she'll realise that you need more careful consideration.

Now that you know the baby is likely to come along, perhaps you could just decline evening invites for a few months?

She is going through what is likely to be the biggest event of her life, so it's kind of inevitable that things won't be the same as they were for a while. It would be nice if you, as her friend, could put your own feelings aside temporarily and just support her through this change. The baby won't be a baby forever.

@MakkaPakkas

So maybe you time won't come, it already came, or you don't want kids. Maybe you want them and can't have them, and if so I'm sorry to hear it. Maybe there are never times when your judgement is clouded. I don't think that means you can't have empathy and cut your friend some slack, but if you do, that's fine.

Tell her you think her bringing the baby to the pub is annoying. That it spoils your night. That it means you can't make plans for later in the night. Perhaps she'll realise that you need more careful consideration.

Bringing the baby to the pub isn't what's annoying. The planning of an adult night out of good food and drinks which changes last minute into being with a baby in a pub (every time) is what's annoying.

@DijfunvKd

Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Can we please pack it in with the insinuations that 'it'll be your turn soon' and that will result in me having some sort of lobotomy where I think changing plans last minute to resolve around a baby is fine and dandy.

For all anyone on this thread knows, I have grown up children, school age children, have hit menopause, am struggling to conceive, don't want to conceive etc etc.

The number of posts presuming that I just don't understand how it is with a baby based on absolutely sod all is insane. We are not in our 20s with DF the first of our 'group' to have a baby, which seems to be the scenario that some posters have invented in their heads.

Hear fucking hear.

In my case, I became infertile after life-saving surgery at 32. Whilst I was struggling to come to terms with that and recovering from surgery, one of my friends had a baby, and she told me off for not being excited enough for her (I’d sent her a gift from my hospital bed).

That was the turning point for me, I think. This behaviour is given a pass in mothers, and it makes some people very entitled, selfish and hurtful indeed. I stick to childless friends now.

Are people just willfully ignoring what the OPs actual issue is so that they can comment some patronising shit like "are you very young? Don't have children do you?" "Oh haha you'll understand one day OP" 🙄 You sound like nobs just so you're aware.

Surely the issue is that OP is fine with meeting with the baby so long as that is what is planned.

I'd be fine going for lunches out with friend and baby, but yeah I'd be annoyed if she suggested it was going to be a night out without the baby and I'd arranged stuff myself to accommodate that, potentially sorting my own childcare, clearing my schedule to just at the lost minute have baby come anyway and it completely change the dynamic of the night.

The problem isn't that she brings the baby everywhere it's that she says she won't and then does.

Different strokes for different folks.

I missed my babies physically in the guts when they were very small. Once they were getting into mischief those boozy long days dinners seemed much more appealing.

@squash0905

Now that you know the baby is likely to come along, perhaps you could just decline evening invites for a few months?

She is going through what is likely to be the biggest event of her life, so it's kind of inevitable that things won't be the same as they were for a while. It would be nice if you, as her friend, could put your own feelings aside temporarily and just support her through this change. The baby won't be a baby forever.

It won't be a baby forever, but the DF should also recognise that. I don't see the need for the OP to 'support' her. The DF doesn't HAVE to make commitments that are difficult for her to meet.

And she could also recognise that while her baby is the best thing in the world to her, it's likely not to anyone else. Babies are really quite dull.

@squash0905

Now that you know the baby is likely to come along, perhaps you could just decline evening invites for a few months?

She is going through what is likely to be the biggest event of her life, so it's kind of inevitable that things won't be the same as they were for a while. It would be nice if you, as her friend, could put your own feelings aside temporarily and just support her through this change. The baby won't be a baby forever.

What have I done that is unsupportive? I have spent six months talking about her baby and nothing else (when I'm with her obviously).

It's HARD to have a conversation with anyone if their baby or child is present. Because they do need attention. I think you should have a script in mind for the next time this comes up. Baby is only 6 months old so very early days for her but you're not happy with the situation (not unreasonable) so will need a few pre prepared lines to swerve another juice night.

It honestly is posts like hangthetowels which makes people hate mothers and parents.

15 months? People have to go back to work much earlier than that, love. Poor misguided soul.

@FabriqueBelgique

Different strokes for different folks.

I missed my babies physically in the guts when they were very small. Once they were getting into mischief those boozy long days dinners seemed much more appealing.

Which is fine. But just don't arrange boozy long days with your friends then if you're just going to bring your baby at the last minute and change their whole night.

There's no problem with just saying "I don't want to leave baby yet so for now can we just meet in the day for coffee, lunch, at the park or whatever so I can bring her?" And hold off arranging nights out drinking until you are ready to leave them.

It's not fair to mess other people about just because you miss your baby.

1. You don't have kids.
2. You haven't said how old the baby is. I met my friend for lunches with the baby until he was 18 months because then it was stressful rather than fun. It was either that or not socialise in the day time because my husband worked. We had nights out alone too but once DS was past 1. It's completely normal for a new mum to be infatuated and take her baby everywhere especially if she is breastfeeding. Expressing can be a slog. Young babies are portable and it's just easier to take them with you.
3. She might have anxiety about leaving baby, though that is normal if baby is young.
4. Husband might be a cunt about being left with the baby.
5. I have no idea why I numbered this post

@Noisyneighneigh

1. You don't have kids.

1. You haven't said how old the baby is. I met my friend for lunches with the baby until he was 18 months because then it was stressful rather than fun. It was either that or not socialise in the day time because my husband worked. We had nights out alone too but once DS was past 1. It's completely normal for a new mum to be infatuated and take her baby everywhere especially if she is breastfeeding. Expressing can be a slog. Young babies are portable and it's just easier to take them with you.
2. She might have anxiety about leaving baby, though that is normal if baby is young.
3. Husband might be a cunt about being left with the baby.
4. I have no idea why I numbered this post

You haven't read any of the OP's updates, have you?

@DijfunvKd

Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Can we please pack it in with the insinuations that 'it'll be your turn soon' and that will result in me having some sort of lobotomy where I think changing plans last minute to resolve around a baby is fine and dandy.

For all anyone on this thread knows, I have grown up children, school age children, have hit menopause, am struggling to conceive, don't want to conceive etc etc.

The number of posts presuming that I just don't understand how it is with a baby based on absolutely sod all is insane. We are not in our 20s with DF the first of our 'group' to have a baby, which seems to be the scenario that some posters have invented in their heads.

100% Op - I could not agree more.

Those posts not only lack any form of sensitivity but many of them are also missing the bloody point!

People can be very self-centred and insensitive, wrapped up in their own lives @MabelsApron but not all us mums are like that. I think I would have ended that friendship if I'd been in your shoes.

YANBU. I find all the comments on here suggesting that people can't possibly leave 6-month old babies with their father ridiculous. Obviously, some babies might be difficult to leave for some reason but your friend should make that clear in advance rather than expect you to know. Not being able to leave a baby of that age for a few hours used to be the exception rather than the rule- how do people think mothers went back to work when their baby was 6 months or less.

@Noisyneighneigh

1. You don't have kids.

1. You haven't said how old the baby is. I met my friend for lunches with the baby until he was 18 months because then it was stressful rather than fun. It was either that or not socialise in the day time because my husband worked. We had nights out alone too but once DS was past 1. It's completely normal for a new mum to be infatuated and take her baby everywhere especially if she is breastfeeding. Expressing can be a slog. Young babies are portable and it's just easier to take them with you.
2. She might have anxiety about leaving baby, though that is normal if baby is young.
3. Husband might be a cunt about being left with the baby.
4. I have no idea why I numbered this post

You do not know if I have or haven't. I deliberately omitted it.

1. Yes I have. RTFT, or at least my posts.

1. Fine. She doesn't have to leave the baby. Don't arrange nights out that will entail that.

1. He might be. She could (and would) tell me if that was the case.

1. Especially with so many points that could have been cleared up if you'd bothered to read the thread.

@Noisyneighneigh

1. You don't have kids.

1. You haven't said how old the baby is. I met my friend for lunches with the baby until he was 18 months because then it was stressful rather than fun. It was either that or not socialise in the day time because my husband worked. We had nights out alone too but once DS was past 1. It's completely normal for a new mum to be infatuated and take her baby everywhere especially if she is breastfeeding. Expressing can be a slog. Young babies are portable and it's just easier to take them with you.
2. She might have anxiety about leaving baby, though that is normal if baby is young.
3. Husband might be a cunt about being left with the baby.
4. I have no idea why I numbered this post

You don't know that.

1. Absolutely fine, no one has said that's wrong. But if that's the case maybe don't arrange nights out then? Just stick to day time meets where people know you're bringing baby. You can't plan a night out and then expect people to just never be bothered that you're always changing it to an hour in spoons instead with a soft drink and a baby. If you don't want to leave them don't. But arrange child friendly days out then and make sure your friends are aware that's what it is. Expecting other people to plan their lives around "will she/ won't she bring the baby and completely change the plan" is cunty as hell.

I didn't want to leave my baby either. But I didn't get my friends to plan nights out and then say "oh actually I'll just bring the baby now". I just didn't plan nights out until I was ready. It's not difficult. It doesn't take a genius to understand why bringing a baby will change a "night out".

@Belladonna12

YANBU. I find all the comments on here suggesting that people can't possibly leave 6-month old babies with their father ridiculous. Obviously, some babies might be difficult to leave for some reason but your friend should make that clear in advance rather than expect you to know. Not being able to leave a baby of that age for a few hours used to be the exception rather than the rule- how do people think mothers went back to work when their baby was 6 months or less.

And a lot of women still do - I had to because SMP was not enough to get by on!

TBH I dont think YABU at all! Maybe just say to your friend that you think she may be finding evenings difficult ,and maybe just stick to coffee /lunch dates for the foreseeable ? She doesnt seem to realise you have a life too!. I think many of us have unrealistic expectations of early motherhood really .Her DH doesnt seem to have changed his life at all (Why are so many men like this) Women esp while EBF are much more tied to Baby in the first few months .As Baby gets bigger life will change again as Toddlers will be sleeping more at Nightime .

This would annoy me. She shouldn't be making plans she know she can't really keep and she should make an effort to talk about something other than the baby. I was always really conscious when I had children that although they were the absolute most important people in my world, they weren't to my friends and it was important to talk about their lives too on meet ups.

Hopefully as the baby gets older she'll change but some women don't. I have a friend who even now constantly talks about her child. Child is a teenager!