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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:

Mollysocks · 11/02/2022 15:08

YABU to expect a 6 month old to stay home

But OP’s friend isn’t a single mother, why can’t her DH share responsibility? Sounds like he’s having no change to his social life at all, having the time of his life by the sound of it.

StripyHorse · 11/02/2022 15:08

@babyjellyfish

I think she has a DH problem. If the baby is old enough to go to Wetherspoons she is old enough to be left with her dad for a few hours.

My DH has always been brilliant with childcare / housework etc. But when my 2 were babies nights out were an issue because they didn't take well to bottles and I couldn't leave my boobs behind. It doesn't necessarily mean it is a DH problem.

OP I am sure your friend does appreciate you but her whole world has shifted. The nights out should be back, if the baby is 6 months now it should 🤞 be getting closer to the point where she can leave the baby more easily.

ForksAndSpoons · 11/02/2022 15:09

Op, just assume that it will be a baby friendly outing and will let for just 2h. On days when you don't want to do that don't meet her. She should be clear about it herself but maybe she's so sleep deprived thst she is struggling to plan accordingly.

CornishGem1975 · 11/02/2022 15:11

@CharlotteRose90

Why does it have to be dinner in a pub? She’s had a baby presumably her nights have changed and she’s quite happy having food and soft drinks in a cafe etc. If you want a pissed up night you need a new friend that’s not got kids. Her baby is 6 months old and I don’t blame her for wanting the babe with her. Perhaps she fears you’ll ditch her so wants to keep things like in the past but then realises she has the baby so has to change it.

FFS. As it's been said, numerous times. Read all of OPs posts!

mathanxiety · 11/02/2022 15:11

Her H goes off for hours with his friends because he is an asshole.

mam0918 · 11/02/2022 15:12

I had the opposite when my oldest was born... my childfree friends didn't understand or respect how hard it was for me to organise something and that I could just show up to a party with 30 minutes notice or cancel something with 10 minutes notice because they're hungover and don't fancy it anymore.

I planned to go out with friends, set the date-time days in advance, got a babysitter, and then THEY would cancel last minute because, I lost most of my friends and I did make a big effort to stay in touch and virtually never talked about my DS.

I don't get parents that make their friendship about their kids, they are separate parts of life and I never expected my friends to coo over my kids and the few friends I do still have (except one who met my oldest once when he was 3) have never met any of my kids and I have been a mam for 13 years.

Even as a mother myself to a teen, child, and baby I have zero urge to discuss mam things when hanging out with friends (all my friends are mams too and they don't talk about their kids either) so while yes it's hard to have the single life spontaneousness its not hard to have basic awareness and not be a selfindulgant egotist.

BrainPotter · 11/02/2022 15:12

@saraclara I have twins, maybe my experience was quite different.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 15:12

@CharlotteRose90

FFS, how many times does OP have to say that IT'S HER FRIEND who asks to go on a night out to the pub. Not her.

mam0918 · 11/02/2022 15:13

because of that

saraclara · 11/02/2022 15:13

[quote BrainPotter]@saraclara I have twins, maybe my experience was quite different.[/quote]
OP's friend doesn't have twins. So why do you think that your experience applies?

Noisyneighneigh · 11/02/2022 15:13

Also you ask why she can't go off for ages in the evening like her husband. My tits would have been fit to burst after a long evening out at 6 six months post birth.

ouch321 · 11/02/2022 15:13

@Hellolittlestar

If and when you have kids of your own, you will read back at post and cringe.

I'm cringing reading your post.

You must be as equally self centred and arrogant as OP's friend to think that what she does is acceptable.

theleafandnotthetree · 11/02/2022 15:14

I despair at how many people have (wilfully?) misread or misunderstood the points the OP is making. I think it is indicative of exactly the phenomenon of which the OP is speaking - people who think having a baby absolves them of all responsibility in terms of good manners, reciprocity etc. It doesn't. And if you act like that, you may find your friendships wither away.

Original poster

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 15:15

@SausageFox

I think YABU, but I get where your frustration is coming from.

My son is 12 months. He's breastfed but obviously eats 3 meals a day now. Always refused bottles. If he goes longer than four hours away from me (and boob) he turns himself purple and vomits from screaming. People tell me I should gently wean, etc. but I'm not going to do that. I'll work my life around him as best I can. So, when I meet friends for a few drinks now I plan it around those breaks. Or they come to mine for a wine or two of an evening (you can drink and BF, if your friend isn't aware).

When he was very small (same as as your friend's baby) I did plan evenings away from him but he'd end up back with me. Because he did the screaming hysterically thing. I tried this about three times hoping it'd get better. It didn't. Maybe your friend just has to learn that.

In the end, DH would being baby to meet us in the local for a snuggle and a feed. I did not spend the entire time cooing over him, but I did interact. That's just how it had to be. Few hours alone time with friends, few with baby there too.

Your friend could try that. But your attitude here feels prickly. I think you need to realise what your friend is going through. Her body, her life, everything has changed. She has a baby that (and some mums aren't like this which is also normal) she feels compelled to spend A LOT of time with. You should figure out a compromise but give her some slack.

But your attitude here feels prickly. I think you need to realise what your friend is going through. Her body, her life, everything has changed. She has a baby that (and some mums aren't like this which is also normal) she feels compelled to spend A LOT of time with. You should figure out a compromise but give her some slack.

I am prickly. Yet another Friday night where I have sorted out be being free, and turned down several other invitations I have received post accepting an invitation from DF, and yet again our plans have changed to

'DB is going to have to come with me tonight. Is that okay? Otherwise I can only stay an hour'

'You can't take a baby to x?'

'Yeah I know! I'll cancel the booking. Do you fancy going to [local Wetherspoons] instead? DB is never any bother there. Or I could come to yours?'

'Is DH not looking after her? I thought he was?'

'Yeah he was but Rob text him to say the lads are going [to city drinking] ( which we were meant to be doing ) and I've told him to go. He's been at work all week and it's just as easy for me to take DB with me so no point in him missing a night out'.

So DF's DB is off out for a lovely night of catching up with his friends and having a few drinks. I have turned down invitations to do the same, and am landed with a couple of hours of looking at DF talk to her DB.

I think I have compromised enough with going for coffees, lunches, offering to go for walks with DB. Like I do with all of my friends who currently have babies. None of them continuously change plans to revolve around their babies the way DF does.

I am feeling very prickly indeed.

OP posts:

Oli5 · 11/02/2022 15:15

I have kids my youngest is 2 and if I’m
being totally honest it’s a wrench to leave them . I think that might make me a bit strange but I just prefer to be with them. Maybe your friend just doesn’t want to be away from her baby and that’s ok. Things change when you have children

Mollysocks · 11/02/2022 15:16

If and when you have kids of your own…

Sick of this phrase, makes me rage!

Thinly veiled attempt at shutting down woman’s opinions if they don’t have children.

BrainPotter · 11/02/2022 15:16

Oh dear god, this site is a nightmare 😂 it’s not a place for offering any sort of support or option, it’s a load of keyboard warriors being utterly obnoxious at any opportunity.

Original poster

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 15:18

[quote Noisyneighneigh]@DijfunvKd. Apologies again I missed that in the OP that she changes the plans at the last minute. She is being unreasonable especially at night. I would be pissed off if a friend brought their baby to a pub at night but I'd cancel. It sounds like you do mind the lunches a bit.
YANBU to want plans to stay the same. I guess you just need to be honest with her, or if you can't, cancel repeatedly. She'll get the message.[/quote]
I don't mind the lunches. I find them dull and annoying when she basically ignores me, but I'm happy (or willing more accurately) enough to go to them until her baby is a bit more independent.

OP posts:

Oli5 · 11/02/2022 15:18

But can also see your point that you don’t understand why she organises non baby friendly things . I would simply aim to see your friend at times which are baby friendly in a baby friendly place and save your evenings if wanting to go for lots of drinks with your other friends

SazCat · 11/02/2022 15:18

YANBU Op, if she knows she can't leave the baby then she shouldn't plan nights out on her own with you!

My nearly 10 month old has never been able to go to bed without boob (I know, we're working on it) so I either meet friends for lunch, or I go out at 7.30/8pm when she's gone down!

I wouldn't plan to meet a friend at 6.30 for a meal then last minute say oh I'll need to bring the baby so I can feed her to sleep!

It's become a lot easier to go out in the day for longer periods now she's eating well, so hopefully your friend will find that too.

mathanxiety · 11/02/2022 15:19

The sudden announcements that the baby is coming on the night out are probably due to the H flat out refusing to take care of the baby or him suddenly announcing that he has plans for the night as soon as she says she has made an arrangement with you.

Be a better friend to this friend of yours. Try asking her how her H is with the baby. Ask her how his hobbies are going, or how his mates are, etc.

Speaking as someone who stopped going out anywhere and lost friends because I realised that H couldn't be trusted not to hit the children and rage at them when my back was turned...

AKASammyScrounge · 11/02/2022 15:19

Your friend is obviously very fond of you and doing her best to keep up your friendship. It takes a lot of effort to get your baby and yourself ready to go out, then there's the travelling which is awkward with a baby in tow. You could make an effort to accept with a good grace the limitations an infant puts on outings . It isn't forever, the child will grow up, your friend will be free to come and go more and have more adventurous evenings out.The day will come when you will be glad that you have maintained the relationship with her.You may even come to like the child the baby grows into.

Drunkpanda · 11/02/2022 15:20

Well today is your opportunity then - are you at least going to say "I was really looking forward to going to x, why don't we reschedule for another night" - she will know you are upset then, at the moment has she any idea?

Noisyneighneigh · 11/02/2022 15:20

You must be as equally self centred and arrogant as OP's friend to think that what she does is acceptable self centred and arrogant? Her life just centres around the baby and she's probably just oblivious to how irritating she's being. OP just needs to tell her.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/02/2022 15:20

stat in touch and rekindle the friendship when the child is older and the father decides he is able to parent for a few hours occasionally.

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