To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

Hahahaha I remember thinking I would still socialise when I had children. How wrong I was, I make plans and then things change at the drop of a hat. My children come first and so plans often change or are cancelled.
It must be hard for you, I get it, but your friends little one is her world and will always come first from now on.
Add in breastfeeding…that literally has you rooted to the sofa for 12-18 months. Babies do not feed on a predetermined schedule.

@User1isnotavailable

She's breastfeeding a baby. YABU

Yeah, but that isn't the issue that OP is complaining about, is it?

OP is upset that her friend keeps suggesting child-free activities and then bringing baby along last minute.
Friend then completely ignores OP and makes baby noises, not engaging in conversation.

OP specifically said she was happy to continue with coffees and lunches that were baby appropriate?

Since when does breastfeeding a baby give you the right to mess everyone's plans up by insisting on baby free activities, changing plans repeatedly last minute and then ignore your so-called friend?

It doesn't sound like any fun at all.

I couldn't be arsed with that, complete waste of a night out.

This would really get on my nerves. I'd stop arranging nights out or if you do arrange to meet at 8 o'clock so she doesn't bring the baby. I'd still meet for a quick coffee during the day if you want to continue the friendship. I always had at least one night a week out with friends from when my children were tiny. It was very important to me to have this.

@forrestgreen

Df, let's have a great night out

You, yes can't wait for a loud, late night out-it's been ages...

Df, oh can baby come as dh has to look after an elephant etc

You, well we'd better swap it to a lunch then.

Take charge

I have tried this in terms of changing to more baby friendly times and places

I have been told off for it.

I've also had "all my mum friends go to child friendly places, so I want to go somewhere different with you".

I was on the verge of telling one friend to please change to more appropriate place next time but the couple next to us actually moved to another table 😂

I think OP start declining invites if it's bothering you so much or ask when she can be child free. It won't last forever my DDs 8 and regularly goes for sleepovers at GPs house I was absolutely besotted with her at the beginning and wanted her glued to me .

... so I'll have to bring dB

Response.

• Let's leave it tonight we can meet next week for lunch then.
• that won't work for x place, so let's leave it if dh can't have dB

Etc...

Ultimately, I think this boils down to you making a choice as to whether you want to see her. It seems that her and her baby come together right now, so you can either see the two of them or you can not see them. Like you said, whether she has the baby with her or not is her prerogative, yours is whether you spend time with them both or not at all.

@forrestgreen

Df, let's have a great night out

You, yes can't wait for a loud, late night out-it's been ages...

Df, oh can baby come as dh has to look after an elephant etc

You, well we'd better swap it to a lunch then.

Take charge

Yes, this is what I'll start doing.

I have tried, but perhaps haven't been as firm as I should be.

The last time it happened, she asked if she and baby could come to my house instead. I tried to say that we should cancel and instead go for a walk to a cafe the next day, but she said she'd been looking forward to it, and so I felt guilty and agreed.

Yabu. She clearly wants to bring the baby. It's only a few years, suck it up.

Or go to hers where it will be easier for her to pass baby to dad.

This is such a temporary problem. The baby is only 6 months old, your friend has only been a mum for 6 months. Her hormones are all over the place, her life has been rearranged beyond recognition. She's just met the demanding love of her life & she still tries to spend time with you. I think you could cut her some slack. Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

@MouseholeCat

Ultimately, I think this boils down to you making a choice as to whether you want to see her. It seems that her and her baby come together right now, so you can either see the two of them or you can not see them. Like you said, whether she has the baby with her or not is her prerogative, yours is whether you spend time with them both or not at all.

I don't mind seeing her and the baby for lunch or coffee where it's an hour or so. I just don't want to plan and look forward to an evening for it to be gradually turned into something else entirely.

Having read that last update, I'd actually consider chatting to her while her other half is there and say to them, "Do you know something, I haven't seen Friend in such a long time without Baby being there. I'm sure Friend would love to have a girly night out, so you can look after Baby for a few hours, without her needing to cancel or bring Baby along, right??? Smashing! I'll book a table in one of her favourite restaurants and contact the girls to get a night out sorted!"
Leave him with no wiggle room to back out. See if it happens again. If it does, you know what the story is.

Just don't go out with her in the evening then. Or at least not just her so that if she leaves early after an hour of baby-chat you've still got an evening.

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable because I know what it looks like from your perspective, but in the first year of a baby's life the change in your daily existence is so fundamental and earth-shaking that you do honestly go a bit odd and baby centred. It's not just about the baby being cute it's about everything in your life being completely and utterly altered forever. That takes a while to get used to and does result in what feels like selfishness to someone who is outside that experience (of course it doesn't feel like that to the person experiencing it because at the time it feels like the least self-centred thing you could ever do, give your entire being to another human, and it's only later that you realised you were being a bit... weird).

If you value the friendship sit tight and put up with daytime coffees watching a tiny child smear butternut squash puree over their chops and ditch the nights out. If you don't really all that much, you realise, time to have a rethink.

I'm with you OP and I am a mum, with a baby.

She should stick to arranging lunches etc as you say - you're happy to go along to those with her and her baby and it seems the appropriate setting.

I'd be disappointed to go out for an evening that I was looking forward to and have it poleaxed by a baby. Even if it's my own.

If the baby is under 6 months then your DF is their only source of food. Most bf babies won’t take a bottle so it’s not easy to leave them.
It’s only temporary.

I think even with the best will in the world when one of you has a baby it simply changes things. Your friend has found something more entertaining in her opinion than you. Oftentimes the friend could leave the baby but prefers to bring them, to show them off, to not be apart from them. And even if that's not the case there's often a reason why plans fall through at the last minute or your friend doesn't really have sufficient headspace for the conversation. I reckon it's secondary school before things get back onto a more equal footing.

even if the baby is happy and content and just sitting nicely in her pram, if I begin talking then DF will stare at the baby and cut across me with 'aren't you cute?? You are! Are you happy sitting there?' and then I feel I have to join in with the admiration.

The lunches (and coffees, and evening juices) are extremely boring because it consists of DF talking to and about the baby. Nothing else. Just that. There are only so many times you can tell a baby it's cute.

As I said - dull as fuck.

She just wants an audience.

Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Can we please pack it in with the insinuations that 'it'll be your turn soon' and that will result in me having some sort of lobotomy where I think changing plans last minute to resolve around a baby is fine and dandy.

For all anyone on this thread knows, I have grown up children, school age children, have hit menopause, am struggling to conceive, don't want to conceive etc etc.

The number of posts presuming that I just don't understand how it is with a baby based on absolutely sod all is insane. We are not in our 20s with DF the first of our 'group' to have a baby, which seems to be the scenario that some posters have invented in their heads.

@MakkaPakkas

This is such a temporary problem. The baby is only 6 months old, your friend has only been a mum for 6 months. Her hormones are all over the place, her life has been rearranged beyond recognition. She's just met the demanding love of her life & she still tries to spend time with you. I think you could cut her some slack. Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Sadly I did not find this You start going out with a baby present

Who becomes a toddler...

Who becomes 5,6,7

Now they are teens, it's not so bad

But what a long slog.

Luckily I became more introverted and that helps.

@DijfunvKd

Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Can we please pack it in with the insinuations that 'it'll be your turn soon' and that will result in me having some sort of lobotomy where I think changing plans last minute to resolve around a baby is fine and dandy.

For all anyone on this thread knows, I have grown up children, school age children, have hit menopause, am struggling to conceive, don't want to conceive etc etc.

The number of posts presuming that I just don't understand how it is with a baby based on absolutely sod all is insane. We are not in our 20s with DF the first of our 'group' to have a baby, which seems to be the scenario that some posters have invented in their heads.

Cross post

I hear you.

@MakkaPakkas

This is such a temporary problem. The baby is only 6 months old, your friend has only been a mum for 6 months. Her hormones are all over the place, her life has been rearranged beyond recognition. She's just met the demanding love of her life & she still tries to spend time with you. I think you could cut her some slack. Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Please don't presume all women want children.

I agree, dull as fuck. Boring as batshit. Disappointing as... another planned night out changed to staring and cooing at the baby again.

I wish people would read the actual thread/OP's see-all posts.

@MakkaPakkas

This is such a temporary problem. The baby is only 6 months old, your friend has only been a mum for 6 months. Her hormones are all over the place, her life has been rearranged beyond recognition. She's just met the demanding love of her life & she still tries to spend time with you. I think you could cut her some slack. Yes, it's mildly annoying, but I'd imagine your time will come.

Apologies @MakkaPakkas, I think I might have jumped the gun with my last post. Having reread it, I think you mean the time might come when DF and I can go out alone again. There have been about a dozen or more posters talk about 'if you had kids, 'when you have kids', and I thought it was another.

I have never said I do not have kids.