To expect him to say no?

[Birthday197]

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

If I can just celebrate my birthday with the kids, maybe ex could just take them to her concert?

Presumably she won’t have tickets for them so very different.

But, your husband should listen to you when you say this is important to you, even if others like me would be fine celebrating on another night. It’s important to you, it’s exes weekend with kids so you’re not obliged to have the kids. If your husband listens to you and cares about your feelings there’s no need for any drama like some are trying to create. And if he doesn’t, you’ve got a bigger problem.

Mn is crazy sometimes honesly. I'm the dm in the situation I wouldn't batter an eyelid in this case if ex couldn't because they had plans and vice versa. I certainly wouldn't expect ex dw parents babysitting. OP enjoy your adult birthday night out.

Oooo maybe @Birthday197 you and dh ex could go to concert and dh could have allll the kids 😆

@Lovemusic33

It’s fine to say no but it’s also fine to go out another night for your birthday or to go out with the step kids?

I don’t get why people are so precious about birthdays, celebrating a couple days after isn’t a big deal and celebrating with step kids isn’t the end of the world either. I have a big birthday in a few days but because it’s a weekday and I’m a single parent I shall be spending it alone, I won’t be celebrating until half term when my dc can celebrate with me, it’s not a huge deal.

And it's also fine for the ex not to go out on her contact weekend.

That's all very different. You are unable to go out on your birthday because your children are with you. OP has already said she'd have done it at a different time if the SC were due to be there but they weren't, she has gone to the trouble of arranging care for her own children now too. She doesn't have to stay in and celebrate at half term instead because she's not a single parent and she has childcare arranged for that day.

If it was the dad's weekend to have them fair enough but it's not. That's a shame but there will be other concerts. The onus isn't on OP to sort this out just because she could. She doesn't have to just "be kind".

At the end of the day, the ex has probably known about the concert for a while so should of sorted childcare out earlier than just the week before.

People are crazy

OP you're not wrong.

In case most of you haven't figured it out she wants a nice dinner alone with her husband and then going home to sex all night. All this doesn't matter what day your birthday is, do it for the kids, and it is only your birthday do the dinner another night, she is looking forward to adult time. 😂😂. Go for it Birthday197

Anyway, spoke to him when he got home, he's already told her we can't. Apparently she was a bit upset and asked what if she swapped the Friday (we are suppose to have kids Friday night and they go back to hers in the morning) so we can do it then.

Clearly, tickets were booked on the assumption OP and DH would have the kids, on ex's weekend, with no thought that they might have plans (of any sort, I'm not saying ex should recall that it's OP's birthday).

So, in other words, this "amicable" co-parenting relationship means it's OK for ex to say "no, she has plans" if asked to look after the DC, but OP and DH are expected to fall in with ex's plans all the time.

OP, make sure you keep saying no. As another poster wrote, having a weekend birthday and child free time is very rare when DC are that young, so Ex's wishes do not trump yours.

I don’t get why people are so precious about birthdays, celebrating a couple days after isn’t a big deal and celebrating with step kids isn’t the end of the world either. I have a big birthday in a few days but because it’s a weekday and I’m a single parent I shall be spending it alone, I won’t be celebrating until half term when my dc can celebrate with me, it’s not a huge deal.

I agree with you about not really caring about birthdays. But that’s not the point, this does matter to OP and that’s ok. Everyone’s different.

That’s the issue with putting things like this on here OP, you’ll get some that say you’re being precious, some that hate the ex, etc. It sounds like you’re all very amicable, so don’t get dragged into the drama that mumsnet can create about exes and step parents. Tell your husband its not negotiable this time because you’ve already arranged babysitting AND it’s not your weekend AND your birthday matters to you, and that’s all that needs to happen.

Definitely parallel universe here. Ofc YANBU to expect your husband to celebrate your birthday rather than accommodate his ex wife's concert plans!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would be hurt and angry if DH did this. I would feel like ex's feelings somehow trump mine. I would sit down and talk to DH and tell him how I feel. If he didn't back down I would leave him to it with all 4 kids and plan something with friends/parents/family without him (and not be very happy about it!)

Men are pretty weak at times with this kind of stuff especially if they are allowed to be. They want the easy way out. You had booked first on YOUR weekend off so she has to make plans for her children. His family birthday suggestion? - just an easy opt out. Stick to your guns @Birthday197.

OP isn't being precious about her birthday. She's being precious, and rightly so, about a pre arranged night out that's already been planned, childcare arranged and OP is looking forward to.

Why does someone else's night out trump that??

So many strange posts on here but this is MN where birthdays shouldn’t be celebrated once you have left school

OP - her weekend, her responsibility. No harm in asking but you have plans and if it’s concert tickets why is it just coming up now? Surely she should have checked if the kids could be watched before she bought tickets/agreed to go

Enjoy your night and happy birthday!

The birthday is irrelevant really. They have made plans, plans which OP doesn't want to cancel which is fine.

NO mother on MN would be told she can just go out another time if her ex wanted to go to a concert on his contact time but she already had plans. Literally not one.

Can just see the AIBU now.

"My ex H is due to have our kids this weekend, I've made plans to go out and have arranged childcare for my other children but now he wants to go to a concert instead, AIBU not to cancel my plans?"

AS IF anyone would say "you can go out any other time" 🤣🤣🤣

@Birthday197 Definitely needs to say no! Hope you wasn't looking for birthday sex Op he doesn't deserve that 🤣

OP, so many posters here seem to be tying themselves up in double standards and selective reading to push an obligation on to you to give the ex what she wants without concern for yourself. It's extraordinary!

I'm so glad you have good boundaries in place and are happy to value yourself and expect others to think you have the same rights to pursuing your own happiness as everyone else in your vicinity. So many wet blanket posts on here with women not knowing how to say "no" when they are being taken advantage of and here, I guess we see why.

In a couple of weeks, maybe sit down with your DH and ask him what he was playing at pestering you about changing your plans instead of just turning his ex down nicely from the start given it was your special occasion.

Happy birthday for Saturday! Have a great night out.

You had birthday plans, stick to them!

I’d be annoyed at him for even mentioning the request or that she was upset and asked to swap the nights. He should have just shut it down immediately. Why is he telling you that she was upset? Does he want you to say oh okay then let’s just have them? Very bad mannered of him. I’d be tempted to tell him he’s having all four kids and you’re going out with friends.

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.

So ex gets an evening out with friends but the OP doesn't have a romantic birthday night out?

@IncompleteSenten

I said.

Did you read the whole post?
The bit at the end when I said

If I was the ex I'd say fair enough, actually I'll hire a babysitter for here, save the messing about

Here as in her house
Not sure what was confusing about that or unreasonable to post

Because you made the weird suggestion that he would arrange a babysitter at all. That's just weird

actually just texting back and saying its dear wife birthday and she has arranged baby-sitters so we can go out

if its amicable then the ex will understand and get her own babysitters

Op you are not wrong, no bloody way would I give up my child free Saturday even if it wasn’t my birthday! No way and not an ounce of guilt either!

YANBU and hope you have a fabulous birthday. Enjoy every minute of it! (And well done for not being a pushover )