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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 10/02/2022 19:11

Go out with friends and stay at a nice hotel on him.

CockSpadget · 10/02/2022 19:13

@arethereanyleftatall by describing it as being "the elephant in the room" and that if he had "wanted to go out with his wife he would have said no" is not exploring possibilities, it's a clear assumption.

Katieeb24 · 10/02/2022 19:13

He should say no! It’s not your weekend and you have plans. If he’s gone behind your back and said yes I’d be so upset 🤦‍♀️ And feel like her happiness is more important than mine. It doesn’t matter if your adult. If you’ve chosen to have a kid free birthday and have arranged childcare your end which everyone is happy with, then you should be allowed to go out! I don’t get to go out often and I’m so down as of late as I feel I’m always stuck indoors on my own. You really do need time without kids regardless if it’s a birthday or not. I need to know the outcome 😂 did he say yes? Are you going lut?

Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 19:20

I'm invested now. I need to know the outcome! I hope the dh has done the right thing!

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 10/02/2022 19:25

@blyn72

I think as ex asked first, you could maybe go out for your meal on the Friday or the Sunday. If she has had concert tickets booked for her and cannot find anyone else to look after the children, it would be shame to waste them whereas you can have a meal any time.

That's just a suggestion and I won't be offended if you ignore but I could say, first come first served.

That's nonsense. It's already been first come first served as it's the mothers weekend to have them!
DePfeffoff · 10/02/2022 19:29

Your husband's promise to you comes first. It's no different to what would happen if it were you that had the concert tickets - the ex would just have to accept that it's too late for your husband to help out.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 10/02/2022 19:34

Perfectly reasonable for him so say ‘ah, sorry, you know I normally would but this weekend we have plans and we have arranged for Dc 3 &4 to spend the night with their grandparents. I hope you can find a babysitter or a friends sleepover for them”

It’s not his weekend, you had a prior arrangement and other people can’t be messed around. Why should the grandparents change weekends? They might have plans on other weekends.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 19:40

Just to clarify I am not in any way saying it's his exes fault for asking, she of course can ask. I was annoyed at him for suggesting we say yes!

Tbf knowing him he probably would enjoy just as much a night with the kids as going out us two. But it's not really about what he wants, it's my birthday!

Anyway, spoke to him when he got home, he's already told her we can't. Apparently she was a bit upset and asked what if she swapped the Friday (we are suppose to have kids Friday night and they go back to hers in the morning) so we can do it then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 19:42

I've said he'll need to say no to that as well though, I've already sorted it out with my parents now for the Saturday. They work on Fridays so won't be home until later and will be tired from working all week.

OP posts:
MusicByTheLake · 10/02/2022 19:42

As you don’t have any firm plans, I’d have the kids and ask my parents if they could babysit another night. But you’re not unreasonable to not do that, it’s her weekend and you did plan to do something. I just wouldn’t mind celebrating on another night if we didn’t have tickets or a booking anywhere.

OurWorldIsChanging · 10/02/2022 19:47

Glad it got sorted op.

Was Confused Hmm to all those suggesting DH got a babysitter for all four, coming home to a house full of children, the eldest at least would probably be awake, isn't really the way to end date night...

lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2022 19:49

What's stopping her from making her own babysitting arrangements?

Sounds like she's a bit too reliant on her ex.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 10/02/2022 19:51

Yes, she can surely either book her own babysitter or ask a friend. He shouldn't be the only option.

MusicByTheLake · 10/02/2022 19:56

Yes, she can surely either book her own babysitter or ask a friend. He shouldn't be the only option.

She might, but it’s normal to ask the other parent first, especially when they obviously have a good relationship and have been flexible in the past.

WonderfulYou · 10/02/2022 19:59

YABU a concert is a one off thing but you can celebrate your birthday any other day.

I can’t remember the last time when I’ve celebrated on my actual birthday as most people go out on a weekend for it.

You could have had a nice day on your actual birthday with the kids and then done something with just you and DH the next day.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/02/2022 20:05

”Exactly this! He can get a bloody sitter!”

But maybe @Birthday197 wants to have the house - and her dh - to herself when she gets home, @MzHz (for obvious reasons) - and so they get to have a nice, long lie-in the next day, and don’t have to worry about who gets up with the dsc.

WafflesOrIceCream · 10/02/2022 20:07

He should have told his ex about your plans!Please dont cancel your plans either for another weekend either!If this was your partners birthday and your ex asked you this then how would your partner feel?Ask him this!!If he cant say no then leave him at home with all the kids!
Do make him feel bad about it too,you should be given priority not his ex,especially on your birthday!

ShagMeRiggins · 10/02/2022 20:13

Anyway, spoke to him when he got home, he's already told her we can't. Apparently she was a bit upset and asked what if she swapped the Friday (we are suppose to have kids Friday night and they go back to hers in the morning) so we can do it then.

It’s good he told her he/you can’t.

I’m not sure why this would upset her—is this a one-time-only Beatles reunion concert?

Joking aside—it’s her Saturday with the children, that’s the truth. She had a nice invitation. Excellent. I can understand why she went to the ex first, as they have an amicable relationship and of course he would want to have the children another day, normally.

But if she wants to go to this concert she needs a back up plan.

Like, paying a babysitter/childcare for (I believe) 9 and 11 year old children. Millions of people do this every day. Or sometimes not paying if you’re lucky enough to have willing family nearby, possibly a group of friends who are happy to trade favours. It can work very well, especially when it’s like for like, or tit for tat. It’s community.

It’s unfortunate she might not get to do what she wants, but that’s okay. Life is long (if you’re lucky), and life is difficult. You’ll all be fine.

ShagMeRiggins · 10/02/2022 20:15

@WonderfulYou

YABU a concert is a one off thing but you can celebrate your birthday any other day.

I can’t remember the last time when I’ve celebrated on my actual birthday as most people go out on a weekend for it.

You could have had a nice day on your actual birthday with the kids and then done something with just you and DH the next day.

You didn’t read the room, did you? Or the thread. Interesting.
harriethoyle · 10/02/2022 20:16

@Birthday197

I've said he'll need to say no to that as well though, I've already sorted it out with my parents now for the Saturday. They work on Fridays so won't be home until later and will be tired from working all week.
Good for you OP - hope you have a great night out Wine
RedHelenB · 10/02/2022 20:23

I'd go out with your friends, arrange the babysitter for the next SC free weekend and celebrate with dh then .

ShagMeRiggins · 10/02/2022 20:23

@WonderfulYou

YABU a concert is a one off thing but you can celebrate your birthday any other day.

I can’t remember the last time when I’ve celebrated on my actual birthday as most people go out on a weekend for it.

You could have had a nice day on your actual birthday with the kids and then done something with just you and DH the next day.

Thinking this through, why are you so willing for OP to sacrifice her birthday plans with her husband—a night out together, the 1 and 3 year old children staying with her parents, so they can have time together as married adults, away from children—and trump it with…ex wants to change contact hours so she can attend a last-minute concert?

I’m not saying ex was wrong to ask—of course, ask!— but why does a last-minute concert invitation trump a planned celebration evening?

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 20:28

@WonderfulYou

YABU a concert is a one off thing but you can celebrate your birthday any other day.

I can’t remember the last time when I’ve celebrated on my actual birthday as most people go out on a weekend for it.

You could have had a nice day on your actual birthday with the kids and then done something with just you and DH the next day.

My birthday is the weekend... People tend to celebrate at the weekend if their birthday falls on a weekday, mine happens to be at the weekend this year!

And the next day is not the same. It's Sunday night, we have work the next day as do my parents so couldn't have DC then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 20:29

If I can just celebrate my birthday with the kids, maybe ex could just take them to her concert?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 10/02/2022 20:34

It’s fine to say no but it’s also fine to go out another night for your birthday or to go out with the step kids?

I don’t get why people are so precious about birthdays, celebrating a couple days after isn’t a big deal and celebrating with step kids isn’t the end of the world either. I have a big birthday in a few days but because it’s a weekday and I’m a single parent I shall be spending it alone, I won’t be celebrating until half term when my dc can celebrate with me, it’s not a huge deal.

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