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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
Babyvenusplant · 10/02/2022 18:33

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
But you can't always say yes, that's impossible
Ginger1982 · 10/02/2022 18:33

No way should the ex's wish for a night out on her weekend trump OP's birthday night when it isn't her weekend. If the OP was wanting to swap contact so she could have a night out on her weekend she'd get flamed.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 10/02/2022 18:34

You had plans though , the flexible arrangements with ex is fine and great if you had no plans . Dh should of said straight away oh sorry we’ve made plans and that was that . If it was the other way round would the ex cancel her plans on her birthday so you could go out ? No I don’t think so. Tell him to tell her this .

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 10/02/2022 18:34

YANBU OP.

Pretty sure some of the posters here are on a completely different planet.

He should absolutely say no to her. If he doesn't, book yourself into a hotel and have a ball with your friends. Let him stay indoors and enjoy family time.
It's your birthday, you're entitled to enjoy the plans you've made!

Forensicpsych · 10/02/2022 18:38

He either says no, or you cancel your parents and he can have all four while you go out - no way should your parents still babysit if he’s free!

BarkminsterBlue · 10/02/2022 18:39

I agree with PP that he has probably already said yes.

I also wonder if this is not quite the impromptu invitation that you have been led to believe and if she has long assumed that he would simply swap weekends at moderately short notice.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2022 18:40

Does your husband want to go out with just you for dinner?

Electriq · 10/02/2022 18:40

Yes, he should 100% say no, he already has plans, and its your birthday!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 10/02/2022 18:41

Ultimately he needs to consider which woman in his life trumps his loyalty.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 10/02/2022 18:42

He can have a nice family birthday on HIS birthday if he wants one.

I think @Birthday197 will fall over herself organising this...
Bouncy castle, magician, pizza, big cake with many candles night out/weekend away with the girls for her 🤭😉

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/02/2022 18:44

OP, I also suspect he said yes because he'd forgotten your plans.

I would also just like to point out that you have committed the awful sin of being a stepmother in AIBU and nothing else. You sorted childcare for the children that were scheduled to be in the house so if he wants to stay in that's his lookout.

Wreath21 · 10/02/2022 18:46

The problem is definitely with the H, not his ex. She asked if she could swap weekends, that's all (it's not her job to remember OP's birthday) and it doesn't appear to be the case that she's going to strop if the answer is no. When you have children with an XP you are on civil terms with, the other parent is usually your first option for childcare, and if he just said, sorry but we have other plans there is no particular reason to expect her to say anything other than 'Fair enough, I will ask my family/friends/get a babysitter.'

Either the H forgot about the birthday or is one of those people who doesn't care about birthdays - or perhaps he prioritizes his DC over his current spouse.

SaySomethingMan · 10/02/2022 18:49

You should definitely go out with your friends if he’s said he’s already. He’s taken you for granted, in that case.

CockSpadget · 10/02/2022 18:50

@arethereanyleftatall

Does your husband want to go out with just you for dinner?
Eh? What relevance does this question have?
Meandthesky · 10/02/2022 18:54

YANBU

It’s good to be amicable and flexible, but her plans don’t trump yours when yours were made first. So he should say no this time.

Footgoose · 10/02/2022 18:55

I’m annoyed on your behalf that you have even asked the question.
A Saturday birthday is a rare enough thing . A Saturday birthday with child care / all children's needs met is a very rare thing indeed when co parenting is a consideration. Your birthday celebrations should be ring fenced in barbed bloody wire and nothing or nobody should flinch. It’s your Birthday and the Stars are literally aligned in a way they may never align again. A flexible arrangement and cordial relationships with an Ex are a joy but should be facilitated from both ends. Surely a message to DH’s Ex saying it’s your Birthday is enough. She needs to be cordial too.

IlonaRN · 10/02/2022 18:57

@pussycatunpickingcrossesagain

You need to find out what he's agreed to.

If he has agreed to swap weekends with his ex, you can relieve your parents of their baby-sitting duties and he can have all 4 while you go out and celebrate your birthday with your mates🎂🥂

This would be my choice too - you may need your parents to babysit another night instead.
StationaryMagpie · 10/02/2022 18:57

He is the one in the wrong here.

Its ok for Ex to ask, but the fact you'd already arranged for your kids to be elsewhere so you both had the night free to celebrate your birthday with him, childfree, his immediate response to the ex should have been "Sorry, no, we've already made plans for 197's Birthday" and that been the end of the discussion.

If he's said yes to his ex, knowing you've already arranged childcare, i'd be SO fucking pissed off, it wouldn't be funny.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2022 18:59

This is simple. You have a prior commitment. She either says no to her friend, or makes her own babysitting arrangements.

Darbs76 · 10/02/2022 19:01

Of course it’s not unreasonable to say no sorry we have plans as it’s wife’s birthday. She can then try someone else or sell her tickets. Surely you arrange childcare first

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2022 19:02

@CockSpadget
It's been the elephant in the room for me on reading this thread. Lots of chat of what he 'should' be doing. But if he wanted to go out with the op for her birthday, he would have said 'no' to the ex. He didn't.

JudgeJ · 10/02/2022 19:04

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
This 'amicable' arrangement would involve putting the ex's wishes before his wife's. He needs to maintain an amicable relationship with his current wife! It would be selfish of the ex to kick off about this but it wouldn't surprise me at all!
lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2022 19:05

Hmm, I don't think it's necessarily about what he wants. It's about fear, obligation and guilt - what he feels he has to do.

He sees his wife as more amenable than his ex. So, he finds it easier to let her down than say no to the ex.

CockSpadget · 10/02/2022 19:05

@arethereanyleftatall so because he is too pappy to say no to his ex, you automatically assume that he doesn't want to spend any quality alone time with his actual wife?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2022 19:08

Not at all @CockSpadget . Im suggesting it as one of the possibilities. Alongside the other possibility of him being like @lottiegarbanzo has detailed below.,