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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do your kids share a room?

179 replies

trixey · 10/02/2022 13:52

I'm a priority case in housing with my council. I've been on it about 5 months now and I'm eligible for a 4 bedroomed house. I have ds1 who is autistic, really could do with his own room. Dd2 is 10 so by law that gives her her own bedroom and ds3 who is age 3.

I don't seem to be getting anywhere with the 4 beds, there isn't any and when the odd one comes up, I'm no where near the top for bidding.

I understand there's such a shortage in housing, my council have been fab at getting me on as a priority case.

There's 2 separate brand new 3 bed houses that have come up that I am in the first position to bid for. Meaning I'd probably get either of them. Absolutely great locations, slightly out of the city I live on so would be a great fresh start for me and the kids.

But it's just room sharing. Dd is 10 and loves her little brother, says she would happily share with him. But we all know that won't last as she reaches the teenage years. I think I'd get a year of them both loving it and then the desperate need for their own space.

DS1 is autistic he could do with his own room.

I don't know what to do, I'm just wondering how you work it for your children sharing rooms? I thought maybe I could give the 2 kids who share the biggest bedroom and maybe look at a room divider. Maybe the 2 boys for this.

Or shall I hang on a bit longer?

Thanks

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 10/02/2022 17:24

A friend of mine is in a 3 bed with 6 dc including one with adhd. What the council say you're w titled to and what you can actually get are 2 very different things

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 17:25

@aldilemonade

We were in s similar situation the council said we needed a 4 bedroom house Ds1 was 13 he has Autism Ds2 was 7 and Dd 4 We said we would have a 3 if available as there are hardly any 4 bedroom houses. We have been lucky as we now have a 3 bedroom house with a dining room. Right now Ds2 and Dd share a room and Ds1 has the smallest bedroom room and it works at the moment. We are already thinking of the future though and Ds1 will move into the dining room and Ds2 will have Ds1 room. I think we have probably got about 2 years and then this change will have to happen. Good lock and hopefully you get your new home soon.

A house was a dining room would be great. I've looked at the 3 bed I was thinking of and found a floor plan. Unfortunately it's a open plan kitchen/living room and actually quite small. Eldest DS would probably struggle with having a kitchen/living room together and it would limit and space so I'm going to leave it as it's not right.

OP posts:

Catrice · 10/02/2022 17:41

In
Answer to your question, I share a room and bed with my 4 year old. His teenage sister has the box room (which really is a box room if you know what I mean). It does mean that instead of beauty products and fabulous clothes draped around there are cars and bits of lego, train track etc covering every surface...but that's the way it has to be for now!

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 17:48

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I think my next step is to find out wether I can actually apply for a 3 bed. I assumed I could because I can see them and I'm number 1 in terms of eligibility for them but I do need to check if I can.

This thread has helped me realise the type of 3 bed that we could pull off.

It's been a helpful thread, thank you!

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 17:59

We have just moved to a three bedroom house from a two bedroom flat, my daughter is now 11 and my son is ASD. We waited 2 years to be moved. Tbh they liked sharing a room and even now they tend to hang out together. I would put the boys in together and let your daughter have her own room

Yet more proof that not all autistic children are the same. I will await my apology from those that think they are shall I?

TheSoapyFrog · 10/02/2022 18:16

4 bed houses are few and far between so if you can make do with a 3 bed, I'd go for it. Either look for one with a big bedroom that could be divided or one with a dining room that could be converted.
If you want to get an idea of what the house is like inside, check to see if similar properties on the same road have been up for sale or rent on Zoopla/Right Move. Might also be worth joining some local mutual exchange pages on Facebook to see if anyone lives in a similar property there too so you can have a nose.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 10/02/2022 18:17

I don't think assuming your "entitled" is the right approach

It's down to what is available at the time with social housing and if you want something different to what is offered then rent something privately

I can only afford a 3 bed house so I've only had 2 children I cut my cloth accordingly

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 18:27

@TheSoapyFrog

4 bed houses are few and far between so if you can make do with a 3 bed, I'd go for it. Either look for one with a big bedroom that could be divided or one with a dining room that could be converted. If you want to get an idea of what the house is like inside, check to see if similar properties on the same road have been up for sale or rent on Zoopla/Right Move. Might also be worth joining some local mutual exchange pages on Facebook to see if anyone lives in a similar property there too so you can have a nose.

Yes I've been doing that, it's actually really helpful. I've found another one that could be good and houses sold in the same street all have a dining room so that would be ideal. I know what to do each week now when they come up. Thanks so much for that.

OP posts:

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 10/02/2022 18:28

You will be able to bid on a 3 bed, the council will see your sons as being able to share.

That said, when I was in a refuge one lady took a 3 bed house when she could have had a 4, but she didn't want to wait, I was offered a 4 bed a few days after she accepted hers and she was fuming

I had a massive living room so split it in 2 by easily and cheaply building a wall.

I have a summer house in my garden for extra room too.

There always a way to add more space if you need it.

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 18:30

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

You will be able to bid on a 3 bed, the council will see your sons as being able to share.

That said, when I was in a refuge one lady took a 3 bed house when she could have had a 4, but she didn't want to wait, I was offered a 4 bed a few days after she accepted hers and she was fuming

I had a massive living room so split it in 2 by easily and cheaply building a wall.

I have a summer house in my garden for extra room too.

There always a way to add more space if you need it.

Wow that's good to know, I didn't realise you can adapt them like that.

OP posts:

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 10/02/2022 18:34

As long as you put things back when you leave you can pretty much do what you like.

MsMeNz · 10/02/2022 18:36

Seems like a big ask for your situation I'd be grateful for what you were offered with 3 rooms. I shared with 2 sisters one of whom is autistic. Needs must 🤷

bluecitygirl · 10/02/2022 18:38

@trixey

Anyone who knows anything about autism knows how necessary it is for a child to have some sort of space where they feel safe. Not to add to the lack of sleep, noise, meltdowns. This isn't just that my autistic DS needs his own room. It's about how my 3 year old would be affected too.

At the end of the day, if I offend anyone then I apologise. This is a big thing for me and my dcs. I feel I've already let them down enough by letting their abusive father be on their lives daily for so long. I don't want to make the wrong choice for them going forward.

Whilst true I have two Autistic children who have no choice but to share it is hard but can work.

liveforsummer · 10/02/2022 18:39

can only afford a 3 bed house so I've only had 2 children I cut my cloth accordingly

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 10/02/2022 18:43

The judgement on here is shocking.

I'm quite sure op didn't forsee her relationship becoming abusive when she had her dc ffs.

"I'm so much better than you because I only had kids I could afford by myself and didnt have an abusive relationship that left me homeless" STFU.

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 18:46

@MsMeNz

Seems like a big ask for your situation I'd be grateful for what you were offered with 3 rooms. I shared with 2 sisters one of whom is autistic. Needs must 🤷

I agree and there are many posters on here who's have autistic children who share a room which isn't great but when there's no choice then that's how it is.

I would add though that my son has been through the hell I have with my exH. His anxiety is through the roof and I have a lot of work to do with him to help him recover along with myself. I know 100% sharing a room with his 3 year old DS would not help him at all. Plus he's never had to share a room before so it will be extremely difficult. The whole change will be difficult but adjusting to sharing is going to be tough. I'm not saying we won't do it if we have too but if I can avoid that stress for him then I will.

If I can get him a home where he has his own room then that's what I have to do. I'm just trying to do my best for my dcs and cause them no extra damage other than what's already been done to them. I'm not in the wrong for doing this.

OP posts:

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 18:48

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

The judgement on here is shocking.

I'm quite sure op didn't forsee her relationship becoming abusive when she had her dc ffs.

"I'm so much better than you because I only had kids I could afford by myself and didnt have an abusive relationship that left me homeless" STFU.

Thank you. There's always going to be judgements. I was prepared for it. Probably should of left the council housing part out as all i really wanted to know was if any one good give insight in what works best for them in regards to sharing bedrooms.

I'll learn next time!

OP posts:

MouldBuster · 10/02/2022 18:55

Could you share with the youngest one? After my mum escaped her marriage she shared with me for ages, making sure my older sibling had their own room. We had bunk beds in the end and I'd go to sleep and she'd go on the bottom bunk later at night. I know your little one is still a bit young but I just wanted to show it is possible. I never minded, I didn't know any different. It was my room for all intents and purposes and she slept in it. Not ideal for her obviously and I appreciate what sacrifices she made for us. Just another option if your boys can't share.

TwentinQuarantino · 10/02/2022 19:17

Hi OP

Sorry you've had such a terrible time with XH and really hope you find a good housing solution soon. My ds1 is autistic and he and ds2 currently share. It's not ideal as ds1 also has OCD whereas ds2 could happily live in a pigsty. They mostly get on but there are times when they bicker like crazy and it's really hard work.

We've divided the room so they each have their own 'side' for all their things. It's working. For now. Thankfully we've 2 sitting rooms downstairs so in future one can be used as a bedroom if we are unable to afford a bigger house. Having said all that, we're all recovering from Covid and they are both in my room atm, including baby ds3, and I can't get rid of them!

All DC with autism have different needs. Some absolutely need their own space and others can share without getting distressed. You know your DC best, OP and what will work for your family. Best of luck finding a bigger house.

Tiredmum12389 · 10/02/2022 19:32

I know of a family who used the living room as parents bedroom at night. It was a sofa bed. Not ideal at all but they did it as they loved their house and location and didn't want to move.

Darbs76 · 10/02/2022 19:42

I’d go for the brand new house. As you’re single you could have your youngest in with you for a while. I’m a single parent and my daughter chose to share a bed with me until she was 11 and even though she had a bunk bed with her older brother she never spent more than an odd night in there. You could just have a bed for him in your room for a few years. 4 bed homes as you know are in very short supply and you might kick yourself for missing out on a brand new house

Darbs76 · 10/02/2022 19:44

My kids cousins live in social housing in London, 5 kids, ranging from 23 to 11, 4 girls one boy. The 4 girls (oldest 2 and youngest 2 so ranging from 23-11) share a room, 3 beds between 4 and the boys sleeps in the living room on a day bed. Yes they are entitled to more rooms but they will never get a bigger house as always people with more points than them. They did choose to have 5 kids and they’ve prioritised something else which is costly than means they chose not to privately rent and they say the whole family agreed on that. And actually their flat is so welcoming and loving, they always have my DD to stay in the holidays and would give you their last pound

Original poster

trixey · 10/02/2022 19:50

You're all absolutely right about the youngest DS with me. He hasn't slept without me for a long time now anyway, it's not like he would settle straight away in his own bed.

Again, I'd never actually thought of it. Probably selfish on my part, I've been dreaming of having a bed to myself as I'm currently in a double bed with dd and ds. I'll upgrade to a kingsize if I can! Or even a super king!

OP posts:

Chichimcgee · 10/02/2022 19:55

I’d go for a 3 bed, split the biggest room using dividers such as bookcases. Then get on the swap sites and wait for someone who wants to downsize their 4bed

doodleygirl · 10/02/2022 20:31

I have no knowledge of the council system but I just wanted to wish you so much luck. I am sure whatever house you get, your home will be happy, safe and abuse free.

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