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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do your kids share a room?

179 replies

trixey · 10/02/2022 13:52

I'm a priority case in housing with my council. I've been on it about 5 months now and I'm eligible for a 4 bedroomed house. I have ds1 who is autistic, really could do with his own room. Dd2 is 10 so by law that gives her her own bedroom and ds3 who is age 3.

I don't seem to be getting anywhere with the 4 beds, there isn't any and when the odd one comes up, I'm no where near the top for bidding.

I understand there's such a shortage in housing, my council have been fab at getting me on as a priority case.

There's 2 separate brand new 3 bed houses that have come up that I am in the first position to bid for. Meaning I'd probably get either of them. Absolutely great locations, slightly out of the city I live on so would be a great fresh start for me and the kids.

But it's just room sharing. Dd is 10 and loves her little brother, says she would happily share with him. But we all know that won't last as she reaches the teenage years. I think I'd get a year of them both loving it and then the desperate need for their own space.

DS1 is autistic he could do with his own room.

I don't know what to do, I'm just wondering how you work it for your children sharing rooms? I thought maybe I could give the 2 kids who share the biggest bedroom and maybe look at a room divider. Maybe the 2 boys for this.

Or shall I hang on a bit longer?

Thanks

OP posts:
HMG107 · 10/02/2022 15:28

@PinkSyCo I agree with your point.

I'm autistic, am an autism specialist, my husband is autistic and we think our daughter is too. Being autistic doesn't automatically mean you can't share a room and this post adds to the false stereotypes of what it means to be autistic.

I grew up in a three-bed house, 3 children, 2 parents. My older sister had the box room and I shared with my brother as our bond was stronger so that was the preferred option.

Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 15:30

[quote Maestrog]@trixey that sounds really positive. I think you've overcome a lot worse and you will find a way to make it work well enough. Worst case scenario, sofabed.

I guess one thing to weigh up is whether you could get a 3 bed with separate dining room, and use that as a 4th bedroom. I"m guessing the new builds will have a kitchen diner so you can't do this. But it sounds like the new builds have loads of other advantages.[/quote]
Yeah most new builds are like that. But then some of the kitchen diners are huge where you can easily make the dining part into a living room.

I'm investigating- see if I can find anyone who's sold one with a floor plan!

OP posts:
Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 15:31

@Crimesean

I'd hold out for a 4-bed, in line with NSPCC advice.

PPs are right, it's not a law, but it is a guideline that makes sense from a safeguarding and privacy perspective.

Yes I shouldn't have said law - I just meant it on the guidelines they use like you say.
OP posts:
HerRoyalHappiness · 10/02/2022 15:36

My 2 boys share. DS2 is 6 and autistic, DS1 is 13.

Realistically we can't all have a bedroom for each child, as lovely as that would be. BUT... if you are entitled to a 4 bed and you think that would work better for your family then absolutely hold out for one

Comedycook · 10/02/2022 15:40

I can see why in an ideal world you would have a four bed house but I think if it was you, I'd go for a three and just try to make it work. Maybe divide the biggest room with a curtain or screens or sleep in the living room yourself.

liveforsummer · 10/02/2022 15:41

My neighbours had 3 dc being brought up on a 2 bed flat. They had a super comfy sofa bed in the living room and divided the big room for the boys. Their daughter have the smallest room. Lots of options for dividing space however I can only comment on how likely a 4 bed would be to come up here which is slim to none. Perhaps it's more likely in your area

busyeatingbiscuits · 10/02/2022 15:42

I'd ask the council how often 4 beds actually come up - if they haven't had one available in the last 3 years I'd give up on that, but if on average one becomes available every few months I'd hold on.

Realistically I think the 3 bed is a better option though.

Scrabblequeen · 10/02/2022 15:42

I privately rent…..would have been waiting for eternity in my area to be house by the council after I escaped my marriage, and my family live in England (I’m in NI) and it was more disruptive to move them away from their friends/school etc…..so I rent a 3 bed as that was all I could afford. My DS 10 has his own room, and my girls 12 and 6 share. It’s not entirely ideal as my 12 year old has some SEN, but she’s really adapted and it’s actually much better then I anticipated. My 6 year old never goes in there in the day, so if she needs some space she can have it. I’ll deal with whatever comes up in the future as it comes up.

The main thing is you’re safe, secure, and settled. They’ll always be some adjustment whatever you move into, and you’ll make it work with the space you have. Good luck! 😊

fourplusfour · 10/02/2022 15:44

Can you bid in the 3 bed though OP? I have been allocated 4 bed need with my local council so am ineligible for any 3 beds. They system simply wouldn't allow me to bid on a 3 bed.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 10/02/2022 15:45

I live in an area where most council houses were sold under RTB but either way the absolute majority were three beds, then a fair few were two beds and the fours were very rare. I think anyone lucky enough to be in a 4 bedder when the music stopped will have bought. What I'm trying to say is you could wait forever for a 4 bed council house.

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 15:48

@PinkSyCo I agree with your point.*

I'm autistic, am an autism specialist, my husband is autistic and we think our daughter is too. Being autistic doesn't automatically mean you can't share a room and this post adds to the false stereotypes of what it means to be autistic.

I grew up in a three-bed house, 3 children, 2 parents. My older sister had the box room and I shared with my brother as our bond was stronger so that was the preferred option.

Thank you for this. As well as my grandson, I suspect that at least one of my adult children has undiagnosed autism, and I feel parents of diagnosed autistic children are really not helping their cause when they get defensive and rude rather than try to educate, or indeed bother to learn themselves!

GiantSpider · 10/02/2022 15:49

Mine happily shared until they were 10 and 12 (different sexes) but wanted their own rooms after that.

FTB2022 · 10/02/2022 15:49

I'd have a chat with your housing officer. In my experience, a lot of councils won't offer you a three bed if you need a four bed, even if you're fine with it. Not entirely sure on the logic, but it's a common stance.

As for people asking why OPs autistic son needs a bedroom to himself, the threshold for an additional bedroom being awarded is high. It's not just about whether the autistic child needs their space (though obviously this is important) it's the impact on the child they would be sharing with. Will their sleep be disrupted? Will they be safe? If council professionals with all the facts say that OPs child needs their own room, then it's not for strangers on the internet to question.

Best of luck finding a lovely home for your family, OP.

itwasntaparty · 10/02/2022 15:51

[quote Merryoldgoat]@itwasntaparty

OP just means that I’m council housing it’s deemed unsuitable for children over 10 to share a room if they’re different sexes.[/quote]
So only a 3 bed needed

Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 16:03

@fourplusfour

Can you bid in the 3 bed though OP? I have been allocated 4 bed need with my local council so am ineligible for any 3 beds. They system simply wouldn't allow me to bid on a 3 bed.
To be honest I have no idea! I haven't tried, it just says I am number 1 in eligibility but possibly not.
OP posts:
Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 16:07

@busyeatingbiscuits

I'd ask the council how often 4 beds actually come up - if they haven't had one available in the last 3 years I'd give up on that, but if on average one becomes available every few months I'd hold on.

Realistically I think the 3 bed is a better option though.

I've been on the list since the beginning of October and there's been actually 5 4 bedroomed houses that have come up - actually 2 this week! But I'm no where near the top of the list when they do come up. I always bid but never get anywhere.

Its a long wait and I totally understand that. I always knew it wasn't going to be easy. I look at privately renting too but the market is absolutely ridiculous at the moment, soon as they are advertised they are gone!

OP posts:
DSGR · 10/02/2022 16:08

I’d go for the 3 bed, let DD share with her brother until she gets fed up of it and then move myself into the living room so they can all have their own room. It’s not forever. With any luck there will be a dining room. Well done on leaving your marriage

TeenTitan007 · 10/02/2022 16:20

Sharing doesn't have to be a 'problem' that needs solving - for your DD and youngest DS. I have a 5 bedroom house and my daughters share by choice. They are 15 and 7. It's fun, companionship and great memories. If you are positive about it they will be too.

Maybebaby8 · 10/02/2022 16:49

We have just moved to a three bedroom house from a two bedroom flat, my daughter is now 11 and my son is ASD. We waited 2 years to be moved. Tbh they liked sharing a room and even now they tend to hang out together. I would put the boys in together and let your daughter have her own room

Chely · 10/02/2022 16:52

Council wise you will be waiting an age to get what you hope for.

We have 4 girls in 1 room, boy in 1 room and baby in with us. We own though, will hopefully buy bigger in a few years.

SartresSoul · 10/02/2022 16:54

My toddler DS’s share and will do unless eldest DS moves out permanently. We have a 5 bed and 5 DC. DD’s (9 and 10) currently share because they like it so the ‘spare room’ is a play room. Works ok for us for now.

A 10 year old does not legally need their own room, plenty of siblings share much older than this because there’s no other option and they survive. I dated a twin in my mid teens who still shared a room with his twin brother.

busyeatingbiscuits · 10/02/2022 16:55

So you're top of the list on 3 beds, but not on 4 beds?

If there are lots of 4 beds coming up I'd be tempted to hang on. Double check your eligibility though.

dontdoubtyourself · 10/02/2022 16:58

@theqentity

A lot of prickly responders on here bristling at the idea that the OP is holding out to what she's entitled to. Have a word with yourselves, MN.
Plenty of people stuck in very small overcrowded accommodation with no hope of getting a 3 bed even on the housing register.
Hanna3459999 · 10/02/2022 17:03

I would definitely wait ! You won’t get a 4 bed once your in a 3 bed (I don’t think anyway) and you don’t want the upheaval of moving again? Something will come up if you just wait it out x

aldilemonade · 10/02/2022 17:15

We were in s similar situation the council said we needed a 4 bedroom house Ds1 was 13 he has Autism
Ds2 was 7 and Dd 4
We said we would have a 3 if available as there are hardly any 4 bedroom houses.
We have been lucky as we now have a 3 bedroom house with a dining room.
Right now Ds2 and Dd share a room and Ds1 has the smallest bedroom room and it works at the moment.
We are already thinking of the future though and Ds1 will move into the dining room and Ds2 will have Ds1 room.
I think we have probably got about 2 years and then this change will have to happen.
Good lock and hopefully you get your new home soon.

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