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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your kids share a room?

179 replies

trixey · 10/02/2022 13:52

I'm a priority case in housing with my council. I've been on it about 5 months now and I'm eligible for a 4 bedroomed house. I have ds1 who is autistic, really could do with his own room. Dd2 is 10 so by law that gives her her own bedroom and ds3 who is age 3.

I don't seem to be getting anywhere with the 4 beds, there isn't any and when the odd one comes up, I'm no where near the top for bidding.

I understand there's such a shortage in housing, my council have been fab at getting me on as a priority case.

There's 2 separate brand new 3 bed houses that have come up that I am in the first position to bid for. Meaning I'd probably get either of them. Absolutely great locations, slightly out of the city I live on so would be a great fresh start for me and the kids.

But it's just room sharing. Dd is 10 and loves her little brother, says she would happily share with him. But we all know that won't last as she reaches the teenage years. I think I'd get a year of them both loving it and then the desperate need for their own space.

DS1 is autistic he could do with his own room.

I don't know what to do, I'm just wondering how you work it for your children sharing rooms? I thought maybe I could give the 2 kids who share the biggest bedroom and maybe look at a room divider. Maybe the 2 boys for this.

Or shall I hang on a bit longer?

Thanks

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 10/02/2022 14:34

@PinkSyCo

DS1 is autistic he could do with his own room.

What does this even mean? I had three kids sharing one bedroom, and they could have all ‘done with their own room’ but unfortunately I didn’t have the money to provide that for them. I guess what I’m saying is unless you explain more then only YOU know how necessary it is for your autistic DC to have his own bedroom.

It means her DS has a disability that requires his own space, are you usually this dim?
PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 14:35

You're being obtuse. You just don't understand why an autistic child is entitled to their own space. They are, and for good reason.

No I’m not. As far as I understand autism is a wide spectrum. OP said her DS ‘could do’ with having his own bedroom. There is a huge difference between that and NEEDING it, so I’m just trying to establish which one it is.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 10/02/2022 14:36

I have 13/11/6 DDs, middle one has Autism.

There’s bunk beds in both bedrooms and DD2 flits between the two, based on whichever sibling has annoyed her the least that day Grin

However, she stims to sleep in various ways and DD1 can’t tolerate it, it keeps her awake, even with ear plugs and I often end up having to get DD2 to sleep in DD3s room or my room.

Westfacing · 10/02/2022 14:36

I understand the sibling mix and the desire for your older son to have his own room but as others have said take a 3-bedroom; not many families have a 4-bed house.

Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 14:38

@PinkSyCo

You're being obtuse. You just don't understand why an autistic child is entitled to their own space. They are, and for good reason.

No I’m not. As far as I understand autism is a wide spectrum. OP said her DS ‘could do’ with having his own bedroom. There is a huge difference between that and NEEDING it, so I’m just trying to establish which one it is.

You're just playing on my words. Yes he could absolutely do with his own bedroom.

And also...yes he needs his own bedroom which is why I'm entitled to 4 bedroomed house in the first place.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 10/02/2022 14:39

@Onlywomengivebirth

My girls are 14 and 16 and they share and will do until one moves out.
Yeah my son and stepson shared until my stepson moved out last year, they shared up until they were 22 and 16. No big deal and no other choice in a 3 bed house with 2 boys and 1 girl
BitcherOfBlakiven · 10/02/2022 14:39

@trixey I’m on priority list for the council in my area at the moment; currently 3 beds only but they’re dealing with the paperwork now from DDs medical team.

I’m in the East Mids and there’s maybe 2-3 3 bed houses a week to bid on, I doubt there will be any 4 beds in my area at all.

Fundays12 · 10/02/2022 14:40

I own my house but DS1 aged 10 who is autistic and has ADHD has his own room though it's the smallest room. Ds5 and Ds2 share a room. I think in your case I would seriously consider taking the 3 bed as 4 beds seem virtually impossible to get. Definitely look into room divider ideas though.

Christmaswindows · 10/02/2022 14:40

@PinkSyCo Yes your comment is absolutely valid.

I have 3 Autistic children. Yes they NEED their own rooms, but I can't afford it, so they share. Not ideal, but what can I do. Nothing. They share, its hell. No other sensible alternative at the moment.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 10/02/2022 14:42

It’s also Hell to get evicted via a S21 and have multiple landlords say NOPE because you’re a single parent, and have to go begging the council for a roof over your head.

Soubriquet · 10/02/2022 14:42

Yes. Dd is nearly 9 and ds is nearly 7 but they have to share yes.

No room otherwise

Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 14:42

Some really helpful ideas - thank you. The Kallax idea is actually really good. I'll look on Pinterest.

It's just something I'll need to prepare DS for. Sharing a room but like others say, we can adapt. He can have his safe space in other areas.

He can have his PS4 down stairs. All sorts of things we can do. My mind doesn't really see the options due to the environment we have come out of.

Youngest DS is 3, very noisy usually annoying 3 year old that eldest DS just can't cope with.

It will be a challenge but no matter what I do will be a challenge. I think I'm going to drive over to both these 3 bed houses as I know the address for both and get a feel for the area and go from there.

OP posts:
Pigsears · 10/02/2022 14:45

I'd go for a smaller place- as bills will be cheaper. Also, your 10 year old may move out in 6-8 years time- and wont the council insist you move if you have an empty room? (or charge you more?) This will be right in the middle of your youngest's schooling... so finding another place may be tricky.

I have assumed that your oldest will stay with you longer (but I know that's probably a clumsy assumption).

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 14:47

I see you are single OP. There were 7 of us squeezed into a 3 bed for years. Somehow we managed, and when me and my ex split I gave my DD my bedroom and I started sleeping on the couch. Not ideal but…….

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2022 14:50

If you're expecting to be single for a while, I'd def look if there's room for 3 yo to be in with you or with DD for a bit and then you, just until he's a less annoying age x

CecilyP · 10/02/2022 14:54

Over 10 they need their own room by law? That's fucking ridiculous. Dts are in a shared room in bunks, at 11. They like their room and we all like our house.

It’s not ridiculous but is slightly wrong. The law for social housing is that if both children of different sexes were over 10, it would be statutory overcrowding. Its up to you really, OP. 4 bed houses so rarely come up, it would be worth going for a 3 bed to get out of your current situation. Your DD and youngest could share for a while, the you can later decide if you can split the largest room for the 2 boys.

Does the council site not tell how many people the houses are suitable for. Our council has 3 beds suitable for 4, 5 and 6 people, with the latter being quite large, and it would say in the website.

FairyLightQueen · 10/02/2022 14:55

I'd take the three bed in your situation and keep DS3 in with you, and review later on. Or sleep on a sofa bed and keep your clothes in one of DC's bedrooms. Sorry OP what a tough situation.

Idontlikeworms · 10/02/2022 14:55

I'd just have a sofa bed downstairs and give the kids a bedroom each.

ArianaDumbledore · 10/02/2022 14:59

I would take the 3 bed, you have biggest room and share with the youngest for the time-being.

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 15:04

@PinkSyCo Yes your comment is absolutely valid.*

I have 3 Autistic children. Yes they NEED their own rooms, but I can't afford it, so they share. Not ideal, but what can I do. Nothing. They share, its hell. No other sensible alternative at the moment.

Wow that must be so tough! I really hope you have someone there with you supporting you with your DC’s emotional needs at least. Flowers. Thank you for confirming that my comment was valid. We are 90% sure that my grandson is autistic, so I would never be purposely blaze about the condition. I am just ( maybe a bit clumsily) trying to understand it, but it’s difficult when people jump on you for daring to question them.

Original poster
trixey · 10/02/2022 15:07

@CecilyP

Over 10 they need their own room by law? That's fucking ridiculous. Dts are in a shared room in bunks, at 11. They like their room and we all like our house.

It’s not ridiculous but is slightly wrong. The law for social housing is that if both children of different sexes were over 10, it would be statutory overcrowding. Its up to you really, OP. 4 bed houses so rarely come up, it would be worth going for a 3 bed to get out of your current situation. Your DD and youngest could share for a while, the you can later decide if you can split the largest room for the 2 boys.

Does the council site not tell how many people the houses are suitable for. Our council has 3 beds suitable for 4, 5 and 6 people, with the latter being quite large, and it would say in the website.

Yes it does actually. I didn't think of that. I've just checked one of them and it says maximum number of people is 6.

Zooming into the picture, it looks like it's over 3 floors with velux windows. So a huge bedroom on the top floor!

Thanks so much for that! I'm top at the list for this property and I think it's actually quite big!

OP posts:
Fedupofitnow123 · 10/02/2022 15:08

We have my 2 in one room with the bunk beds used as a room divider, there are some really good ways to do this on pinterest

Maestrog · 10/02/2022 15:13

@trixey that sounds really positive. I think you've overcome a lot worse and you will find a way to make it work well enough. Worst case scenario, sofabed.

I guess one thing to weigh up is whether you could get a 3 bed with separate dining room, and use that as a 4th bedroom. I"m guessing the new builds will have a kitchen diner so you can't do this. But it sounds like the new builds have loads of other advantages.

Crimesean · 10/02/2022 15:14

I'd hold out for a 4-bed, in line with NSPCC advice.

PPs are right, it's not a law, but it is a guideline that makes sense from a safeguarding and privacy perspective.

autumncrisp · 10/02/2022 15:18

We have a 3 bed house (private rented). Two teens - boy and girl, and a 4 year old girl. They each have their own room. Me and my husband sleep in the livingroom.

I won't put the two girls in together due to the age difference and wanting the oldest one to have soke personal space.

I had to share with much younger siblings when I was a teen and I hated it so left home young. I couldn't do anything in my room so not to wake them. Couldn't have friends over, my stuff got destroyed etc. I'm not saying this will happen if mine share, and I'm not judging others who do it this way. But from my own experience we decided on a 3rd child so sucked it up and took the livingroom so they all have their own space. It works for us 🙂

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