To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

You say the money is needed, what is it needed for?

If he's arguing he should work it cos you need the money but is then proposing he stashes it all for him to spend freely, how does that work?

I'd say money is directed to the aforementioned need, some consideration is given to either extras costs and then it's split (so if he's going to be eating out lots or you're going to be hiring childcare)

I think the 10k or whatever is left after assoc costs are deduced is the family contribution. It just goes into a pot that's for renovations and when it's gone you go back to splitting costs from your bank

I out earn DW by a factor of over 10. If I am asked to do overtime (which is lucrative), I always ask before accepting because I am aware that me working more means that more domestic things fall to her. Most of the time I end up saying no and being around more. If I unilaterally worked more, left her holding the kids and then said well it's my money I've worked for it that wouldn't be too fair. As I am only able to do my work because she is there for the domestic stuff.
All wages go into our joint account.
We discuss any big purchases.
So yes OP I would agree that for a 10 week stint of 100% of domestic duties that you've earned a share of the money, assuming it's not going to a higher purpose e.g family holiday/pay off debt/house etc.

@EarthSight Sorry, I totally agree with you, but I can see how my comment may have appeared flippant. Unless one is in an abusive relationship, I think money is best shared in one pot, because so many relationships, as evidenced on this board, seem to founder on the rocks of who earns what, pays for what and so on, until the sums involved must be minuscule. I have actually known a couple, unmarried but in a LTR, who drew lines on the milk carton, had separate packs of cheese etc. Sounds vile to me and they did separate in the end.

Obviously, if one of you is stingy or, conversely, a spendthrift, it wouldn’t work and, yes, women are normally the losers when it comes to earning ability, for several unfair reasons.

Not read many PPs nor fully understand your logic but you do realise that while he's away you won't have to do any shopping, cooking cleaning etc for him though you will have full child care of course. So you'll spend less time and money for that.

I think your set-up of individual finances, when you're supposed to be a partnership, team, parents, FAMILY, is absurd.
How are you going to get your work done, while looking after a baby and house full-time?

He will be doing more paid work, you will be doing more unpaid work as a result. It's a pretty equal situation so the 10k should be used jointly towards a common goal. If when you discuss DP doesn't see things the same way then you have a problem which may never have presented itself previously. How was maternity leave funded?

I remember one year her husband had paid for a car so couldn’t pay his share of the family holiday and she refused to sub him despite having the money meaning none of them went away.

My ex boss earned more than her husband. One year she went on holiday by herself and I asked why her DH wasn't going. She said because he didn't have enough money to pay
They seemed happy, and are still together and seem happy so it wasn't like he'd blown his money irresponsibly or anything and she didn't want to miss out.

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

I think your set-up of individual finances, when you're supposed to be a partnership, team, parents, FAMILY, is absurd. How are you going to get your work done, while looking after a baby and house full-time?

There's nothing absurd about seperate money. It just isn't what everyone does. At the end of the month, I total up the bills, and food and divide fit by half. I add some money for the kids and what DHs payrise have cos me in tax credits and that's what he pays me. No arguments, a large chunk is actually SO and he just pays the excess above that. If we go out for meals etc he pays generally, I offer occasionally (because he works) but then I tend to buy stuff for the kids out of my money and their CB that I don't ask him for half of. If anything ever happened and either one of us needed it, the other would just transfer money over

What's absurd with that?

I've said YABU because you said "we need the money" which implies it shouldn't be spent. As the renovation costs are split between you both then of course it makes perfect sense to put the £10k to that.

So I'd say to put it into joint savings until such a time as you're in a position to move forward with the renovations.

I don't think you should just be given a lump sum though.

If it's going towards house renovations, what difference does it make whether he puts the 10k in or if it's £5k each. (Unless you're thinking you might split up and want to take out what you've put in).

8 weeks worth of doing someone else's chores is worth £5k?

@Homealone01

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

Then given your choice to keep finances separate, if he chooses to, that would be his 10k contribution, not yours.

You cannot benefit from his finances when it suits and not reciprocate when it doesn't suit!

I haven't read the whole thread, but my worry is that you'll be able to keep up with your own job while your husband is working away.

You've got a sweet deal getting FT pay for 3-5 hours work per day done entirely flexibly and without having to pay for any childcare - don't mess it up!

@user1493494961

If it's going towards house renovations, what difference does it make whether he puts the 10k in or if it's £5k each. (Unless you're thinking you might split up and want to take out what you've put in).

I think it's that his 10k needs to be matched by her future 10k or its 5k each and then extra is split between them. So if it's 20k total she has to find 10 or 5. If

@OneTC

8 weeks worth of doing someone else's chores is worth £5k?

No, half the work involved in making an extra £10k is worth £5k... and all for the joint pot.

This is as strange a way of seeing it as the person who said that to split it would be "paying for childcare" and no different to going away to care for an ailing parent.

Sheesh, people, do you run a life and family together or are you just both in it to get what you can for your individual life?

OP I hear you as I have a similar problem. We both earn well and contribute identical amounts to a shared account for family expenses, but every so often my DH gets lucrative extra gigs that take him away from home. In our case, typically only a few days at a time.

Nevertheless, I've begun to resent how much more quickly his savings are growing than mine, thanks to those extra earnings that invariably involve me doing extra childcare and putting my own professional CV on the back burner.

He couldn't take this job without you doing the extra work at home. You should have a say in how the money is used. If that means rethinking your overall arrangement, so be it.

I think he should pay for childcare to cover the hours that you're working.... But no. I don't think you should be entitled to half of his bonus.

Keeping family finances separate always sounds such an effort.

In our family we share the load, the work, the time and effort- failrly.
We many not both do the same tasks, and some of that effort is paid, some is not
So childcare/cooking/paid employment all take effort, and often the person earning the largest amount of money is only able to do that because someone else - usually the woman- is facilitating that by taking a larger load of the housework and childcare.

In our family all monies go into a central pot. I didn't work at all when the kids were very young, but OHs salary was "our" money. His work involved a lot of travel, long hours,sometimes away for week or two at a time.
There was no way he could do that job without my help, so made absolute sense that his money was shared.
Just as he shared the beneft of having a tidy and organised house, his children fed and cared for.

Not all efforts in life can be or should be valued in financial terms.

I started to work part time as the kids grew, again that money went into the central pot.
I now run a small business working from home, earning twice what he does in his full time job- again all the money is joint.

Much easier.

OP although you will have to pick up all the childcare and household stuff, you also say that he will have to work very long hours for the money. If that's the case then you're both contributing equally to the £10k, and therefore it should either go into the renovation (or something else that is for the family rather than just for him) as a joint contribution, ie it represents £5k from you and the same from him. Or you get £5k each as spending money. Or any combination of family and personal where you both get the same.

This is as strange a way of seeing it as the person who said that to split it would be "paying for childcare" and no different to going away to care for an ailing parent.

Not my particular view it was in reference to someone saying she should charge half his OT. I failed to quote. The transactional nature of it seems very strange. Me and oh have shared finances, sometimes one of us is paying more in, sometimes the other, it all works out. We don't have kids though

I think the money should go to a joint goal. Ie. House renovation or holiday. Something that you equally can get the benefit from.

@Homealone01

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

To me, this is a bonus which in order for him to take advantage of, you must both work harder and make sacrifices. Without you both working harder and longer, he simply wouldn’t be able to say yes

So to me you are both ‘earning’ it and it should be knocked off the house renovation as a 50/50.

He could fund childcare and a cleaner. Perhaps even Gousto meal boxes in lieu of him cooking. 😁

@LoisLane66

He could fund childcare and a cleaner. Perhaps even Gousto meal boxes in lieu of him cooking. 😁

Why should he fund a cleaner if none of the mess is his?