To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

So much angst is caused by the so-called ‘50-50’ split 🙄 You claim you’re both very happy with your chosen arrangement OP, so why do you even need to discuss it with a bunch of strangers online? The arrangement’s either working great for you both, or it isn’t. Sort it out between yourselves and carry on living happily.

I think it’s an appalling situation to volunteer to be in, personally. My partner is exactly that, a partner, an equal one. We never argue over money and would hate to have to calculate every last penny so that we could allocate it to one or other’s bank account.

I can only think that some people are keen on doing maths or drawing lines on the milk carton to make sure neither partner has had one more cup of milky tea than the other 🤣

I can hardly believe posters suggesting she gets a nanny and charge it to him and the OP takes this on board as a possible idea.

If the money is going to house renovations OP then why are you even thinking this way, as you say you both own the house. It's not as if it is is going to be spent on wine, women and song. Are you trying to make some sort of point?

He's earning extra money. It's going to be used to renovate the home you both own. If you need extra help, surely it should be along the lines of, 'do you think we should use some of that money to pay for a nanny' rather than thinking you are entitled to 'a share'.

How transactional and cold you sound. I hope he spends the bloody lot on renting a castle for a week.

Well if you werent together, he would not be able to go (or pay a mass of childcare). Doesnt seem very even to me, this splitting of your earnings. Why dont you work from home properly and split childcare costs?

His wage will increase in future because he's putting the hours in. Yours won't because you're doing childcare when you're supposed to be working (and if your work realise this they will massively disapprove, even if they don't formally discipline you - I know I would). So you're going to have to get used to managing inequality.

We don't split money either but put expenses + fun money into our joint account every month (currently 50:50 as we earn the same but in a ratio that means that everyone a fair amount of personal money when we earn differently) and in our house we'd put the full 10k into the renovations pot and then split the difference. But we might not split if 50:50 as the priority would be getting the project done rather than waiting on the lower earner to catch up on the higher earner.

If we paid each other for childcare during work trips, would we also pay when DH was away looking after MIL?

It's strange to me that you see a joint pot, for additional earnings that couldn't be made without extra work from both partners, as "paying the other for childcare".

It's equally strange to me that you see a moneyless family caring duty as equivalent to this.

My sister does something similar to you and it’s always struck me as odd. I remember one year her husband had paid for a car so couldn’t pay his share of the family holiday and she refused to sub him despite having the money meaning none of them went away. The whole thing was utterly bizarre to me as the car benefited them all as the holiday would have done.

In your case, the money should just go on renovations and that would be the sensible use but if you stick rigidly to 50:50 for everything he may argue the toss.

@MistOverTheDowns

I can hardly believe posters suggesting she gets a nanny and charge it to him and the OP takes this on board as a possible idea.

If the money is going to house renovations OP then why are you even thinking this way, as you say you both own the house. It's not as if it is is going to be spent on wine, women and song. Are you trying to make some sort of point?

He's earning extra money. It's going to be used to renovate the home you both own. If you need extra help, surely it should be along the lines of, 'do you think we should use some of that money to pay for a nanny' rather than thinking you are entitled to 'a share'.

How transactional and cold you sound. I hope he spends the bloody lot on renting a castle for a week.

And he's able to do that extra work only because the OP is there and she is able (though not without cost to her own work) to pick up the extra childcare. It wouldn't bloody happen in our house as I wouldn't be there to do the extra childcare, it just wouldn't be possible so we'd have to have a nanny or DH wouldn't go, he wouldn't even suggest it. And if he suggested keeping all the money himself for doing extra work I'd suggest he fucks off to his mother's, as clearly he doesn't want to be part of this family. It's a perfectly fucking reasonable suggestion and not "transactional" unless you dwell under a fucking bridge.

Presumably it's the OPs own choice to Work whilst her child is at home and not use childcare - I can't imagine her DH forces her so any negative impact on her career is own doing

Yeah because childcare is always the women's fucking choice isn't it.

Jesus wept.

Would he be able to do this overtime if it weren't for your free labour?

If not, the overtime money needs to be shared somehow. Not sure how much in terms of percentage, but there's a good argument to be made for getting a good chunk of it. It's not fair if he keeps all that 10k - that would be really taking the piss. The reason why he's able to do it is because of you're enabling him to work that overtime. You're the mother too, not just a childminder he can hire, and that needs to be recognised.

In our house our pay goes into our joint (and only) account so this wouldn’t be an issue.
I’ll never understand all this angst over splitting finances in a marriage

surely if your a couple with a baby you share?
if you're going to do all the childcare, he couldn't up and leave this child if you weren't there to take care of them?

Surely this £10k that is really needed for you house renovation is a bit of a windfall for you both.

He has to work harder you have to pick up the burden .

In this Instance it shouldn't be yours or his it's joint and get put towards the house.

Tbh i think your set up is odd and stressful way to live t but each to their own

@Notanewusertool

His wage will increase in future because he's putting the hours in. Yours won't because you're doing childcare when you're supposed to be working (and if your work realise this they will massively disapprove, even if they don't formally discipline you - I know I would). So you're going to have to get used to managing inequality.

And this.

@Notanewusertool

You should not be there as away for him to increase his salary and pocket all of the overtime whilst you get nothing. This is how women often leave some relationships in a very poor financial state. This is how they are left in situations where they need to leave their husbands but don't have a lot of savings of their own to do so.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each

I just can't understand this.

If the €10k is going into the savings, to me they are joint. No need to worry about who is putting in what, you just work out what portion of each of your salary you can save, then do so for the joint benefit of you both & your DC

in th family pot I reckon - you are both making sacrifices for it

@PrettyVacancy

So much angst is caused by the so-called ‘50-50’ split 🙄 You claim you’re both very happy with your chosen arrangement OP, so why do you even need to discuss it with a bunch of strangers online? The arrangement’s either working great for you both, or it isn’t. Sort it out between yourselves and carry on living happily.

I think it’s an appalling situation to volunteer to be in, personally. My partner is exactly that, a partner, an equal one. We never argue over money and would hate to have to calculate every last penny so that we could allocate it to one or other’s bank account.

I can only think that some people are keen on doing maths or drawing lines on the milk carton to make sure neither partner has had one more cup of milky tea than the other 🤣

@prettyvacancy

I get the sentiment of your post, but 10k is not just a bit of milky tea, unless you are truly affluent in which case 10k is nothing.

So, so many women on here spend years enabling their husband's careers in one way or another by providing the childcare. Some of it is just a by-product of some women wanting to work part time or not at all. However, it's still a contribution, and often am unrecognised one. One that leaves those husbands in a very strong financial position with plenty of freedom to switch jobs, whilst the woman misses out on years of employment and experience which might set her back in the job market if she ever had to work full time.

@FelicityBob

In our house our pay goes into our joint (and only) account so this wouldn’t be an issue. I’ll never understand all this angst over splitting finances in a marriage

I will say, that if I had my time over again, I would have a shared joint account but retain personal accounts & have my 'own' money. I know it's a paper exercise as in most marriages, most of the money goes to support the family as an entity, rather than individuals.

But in my marriage my H was financially abusive & spent every penny he got his hands on. I kept plugging all the gaps, so by the end of the marriage all my savings were gone, and our joint account was perpetually empty as he flogged it on his own lifestyle.

I wish to God I'd held on to my modest savings & also kept some money in my account (now it's over).

I continued to get Children's Allowance (I'm in Ireland) paid into my own account & was very grateful as many times it was my only source of money for food & essentials.

Genuinely interested as to how this set up works in practice if you go out for a family meal, who pays?
Does the other then transfer the money over?
Or if your DC needs new shoes do you go half each?

We have kids. My DP has just given me a third of his bonus. A third is for him and a third has gone into savings. So yes, I would expect it to be split.

We throw all money earned into one account. To do otherwise seems crazy.

If this were me and my husband it would go directly into our shared savings account, but I wouldn't expect him to hand me 5k, no.

@Blankscreen

Genuinely interested as to how this set up works in practice if you go out for a family meal, who pays? Does the other then transfer the money over? Or if your DC needs new shoes do you go half each?

While my parents didn't have a rigid attitude overall to money - basically they spent everything they had on us children & our education & had v modest spending on themselves, they did have some funny arrangements. For example, my mum bought the groceries. My dad gave her money each month specifically to contribute to this. (They both worked). If he happened to buy a litre of milk, she would insist on paying him back, immediately & to the penny.

Similarly he paid bills, so if she happened to pay one, he'd pay money to her.

I used to find it mad growing up.

I think it was mainly as they had limited money - good jobs but high taxes in 80s & 90s Ireland - and they needed to budget carefully & accurately.

Agree with PPs that the only safe, sustainable and anguish free way to have bank accounts in a marriage is:

Partner 1 current and savings accounts
Partner 2 current and savings accounts
'Family' current account (for monthly outgoings)
'Family' savings account (to save up for new house/car/furniture/holidays etc)

Then each month both partners put in an agreed amount (to cover bills/outgoings plus a bit of savings) into both the family current and savings accounts. In our household we put in our proportion of earnings, say we have a total of 100k per annum, one partner earns 40k so puts in 40%, the other 60k so puts in 60% of that amount.