To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

Sorry OP, if I misunderstood 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m supposed to be working so I’ve been skim reading!

Me and my partner both share bills and share housework, but that's it. He earns more than me and gets commission. I'm not going without - there's no splitting when it comes to family occasions or holidays etc - if we visit his folk he pays, my folk i pay. I don't ask what he does with his wages and he doesn't ask me. That's enough. He earns more because he works longer hours and earns commission. As a civil servant, I don't. If I'm struggling, I know I can ask. If there's something expensive out of my abilities, I know I can ask. However, I don't ever expect it. Whilst you think you're taking on the greater burden, I can honestly say, after working away from home that's not true. He is not going to be surrounded by his home comforts or his family. There is plenty he's sacrificing to be away. I hate hotels where you can't get up in the night, fix a snack, make a drink go in a cupboard and find that thing Im wanting. He's working long hours and that's also exhausting. He's earned extra. If he wants to give some to you, that's different. If he wants to pay for something in the home, also that's his choice, but I don't believe there's an entitlement.

I put YABU because I personally would hate to be counting what we each put in all the time. What happens when someone is ill? Does the partner offer them sick pay or charge them for nursing? What if one person's career falters or they are just in a line of work that is never as well paid as the other's? Or holiday options, do you go where you can both afford or does someone demand gratitude for treating the other? I would fear I would pass this attitude onto the children if I lived that life. It all feels terribly guarded and untrusting. Like a prenup where no-one has any great wealth. Those prenups kill a partnership quicker than any infidelity.

The way some of you manage your finances - are you actually serious?!
He has to pay for 'his share' of childcare and housework while he is away? How utterly ridiculous.
What happened to partnerships and working as a team? If this mad division of everything so infexibly 'fairly' so the family is run more like a business is progress, I'm out.

I don’t understand relationships (either married or not, but cohabiting) where couples don’t just have a joint bank account and share everything. Surely that’s what being a family is all about? It’s really perplexing to me.

There was a similar thread a while back but it was DW who had the money and not DH and she was told almost unanimously to keep it and put it in a savings account.
So I would say it’s the same in this situation.

I personally think you should both have your own money but also have a joint account where you put 50% of your wages in.

Surely as a partnership he would be looking to spend some of that money on the family. And maybe it’s time you got a single bank account between you. It’s about who needs something the most too. Are his clothes OK, but you need some etc. if he is working 8-4 abs you are working 3 to 5 hours you already gain time. Doesn’t seem equal anyway.

He definately needs to pay for some childcare so you can get work done whilst he is away. DH and I both put in £1200 to joint account each month then all family expenses get taken out of that. We keep what we have left for ourselves. We earn roughly equal too so it makes sense. If couples earn unequal amounts I think it should all go into family pot for expenses then whatever is left after savings taken out split into 2. He needs to think he could not take this opportunity without you enabling him.

@tobchette have I miss-understood?
You reimburse your husband loss of earnings for looking after his child?

The bottom line for me is this.

Would he be able to take this opportunity to earn a big chunk, if you weren't there?

No he wouldn't.

Therefore those earnings are joint - you do your bit to enable him to do his bit.

As he’ll be away, you’ll be doing everything, I think the money should go to the renovation and perhaps a nice weekend away or something for you both as a treat.

Might seem a bit rubbish to him, but he’ll be having a nice break from everything while he’s away and you’ll be picking up the slack.

As a team, you are both contributing to the £10k.

Having emerged recently from the most horrendous and unexpected divorce, I tell all my friends - make sure you have some money that you have access to, that cannot be taken away (ie, your own bank account). situations that you never imagined, in your wildest dreams or nightmares can present themselves, leaving you vulnerable. So, if you have your own bank account - it is nothing but sensible.

You just need to have that open discussion with your husband.

Check that he understands how his being away so long will effect you and the child. Then ask him what his intention is with regard to the extra money.

It would seem logical that most of it goes into the renovation fund if that is what you are both saving for, and just as a lump sum, not as his portion. But only you guys can work that out.

Basically you have shared outgoings and each party needs to contribute proportionately. I earn 3 x as much as my DH therefore I contribute more money to the household running costs than he does. If we simply each paid of the running costs then I would be a lot better off than he is but we are a couple, a partnership with kids to support. I don't care that his contribution is less than mine, I care that he contributes proportionately compared to his earnings and I think that is what is reasonable. So on this basis in my opinion your partner should contribute to the household proportionately. He is only able to take the assignment because you are prepared to be the sole carer of your child and also put in more work, therefore its a shared sacrifice and should be a shared benefit.

YABU, greed!!!
While you are at it, charge him for pregnancy.

I totally understand your situation OP but I would say the best thing will be for some of it it to go to the renovations as a joint contribution I.e. £4k each. And the last £2k gets to be your partner's to spend as he wishes.

Myself and DH do exactly the same as you. But we came from the point of 50% of our earnings goes into joint. We have always been lucky that it covered all household bills we needed including childcare for DCs. Coincidentally, we are earning the same at the moment, so it's actually a 50/50 split but not always the case.

I'm in a job that pays high bonuses while my husband doesn't get high bonuses. When I get my bonuses, I generally actually split it into 2. Half goes to the joint account and the other half is mine to do whatever I like.

If he has worked for it, he deserves to enjoy the benefits of his hard work to some extent. Not disputing the fact that you will also be working hard but if the situation is ever reversed, he will be home picking up your duties as well. Or you could just have a week to yourself for a holiday when he's back and he takes care of childcare.

In stead of splitting his extra money, how about using it, to pay for a bit of child care during the week. Which will give you time to do your work and give you some child free hours.
That way he cannot complain, if you say its so you can do your work, as you will not be able, to catch up later, like when he gets home.

This is clearly something for you 2 to discuss. You should not try and decide on MN until you have done that. It seems fair that you could be offered a part of this type of bonus. I would not approach it as if you 'need' it, or be too pushy. It would just seem a nice gesture for you to have a bit extra for some luxuries too.

I like loveisagirlnameddaisy 's comment, what would you do if the situation was reversed? You partner may have plans for his extra savings, a holiday or car, or just have a need for a cash cushion for a rainy day. Just ask and chat about it, don't speculate behind his back.

We split everything house and child wise 50:50 but any bonus then its up to the person who earned it what they spend it on. I spent a bonus on a new bathroom, he spent a bonus on getting his eyes lasered but spent his next bonus on simba mattress and new kitchen appliances. We usually take the other one out for a nice meal when we get a bonus but then ultimately you earned you get to say how to spend it

I would put the extra money he earns into your joint savings pot. Can be a separate pot to the current household bills you have but it should still be joint.

After-all, he’s working harder, longer hours etc and so are you with the time on childcare. This change is only possible if you both accommodate the sacrifices you have to make so you should all benefit.

1. yes you should split it

2. you get paid full time and work 3-5 hours a day!!? That's crazy and probably the reason why some employers can't wait for people to return to the office. It takes the piss really.

If you don't share money and you are not married, I think you can't dictate how someone spends their money.

@Akire

If my partner was going to do that it would have to be for a family goal not as a reason to inflate their savings. You are a family and that length of time causes strain even more so when one of you has sole childcare. If it was for some family holiday, new car or towards home improvements then everyone benefits. He works long hours so do you with all extra home work. I wouldn’t be happy agreeing to cover all free home working and childcare when he’s not sharing anything either. At very mim you need some childcare to cover his share so you can carry on working and have some adult time like I presume you have now.

This…100%

I think anything over and above his usual wage should go into the house renovations. That way you both benefit from it. I'd be a bit fed up if he kept it to himself as you're right op, you also taken on extra by the way of childcare whilst he's away. In effect you've facilitated him being able to do this.

DH earns more than me, so he already pays for bills, but if he were to work away for this long I would expect him to spend the money on something that would benefit fit us all, such as a holiday, home improvements or to save it for when we needed a new car etcI trust him, so wouldn't be asking him for half of the money. I would take the attitude that I was glad I could stay at home with DC and not work away (I used to work away pre-DC and have had nightmares about having to leave DC to go back to working away from home, and woken up crying).

I guess my situation is very different though, as we are married and DH pays all bills. (We both have money above and beyond bills, and we don't have a joint savings account - well, we do, but neither of us have ever paid into it )

It’s an odd concept to me. A joint bank account is non negotiable.

You love me, I love you = joint account.