To ask the PA to stop letting my daughter fall asleep on the way home?

[justamumseekingadvice]

My daughter (6) goes on the school transport bus to school (only 8 miles away but takes around 40 minutes because of picking up the other children). I cannot drive her because I have vision problems that prevent me from driving, don’t have a partner and her dad isn’t currently involved, don’t have any local family and friends either.

Daughter has autism and she really struggles at bedtime, it can take up to 3 hours to get her to settle to sleep. She doesn’t seem tired during the day and normally does get around 10 hours a night, the problem is actually getting her to sleep in the first place but then she will sleep through until the morning.

The last couple of weeks she has been falling asleep on the school bus for around 20-30 minutes and then when it comes to bedtime she’s even more hyper and unsettled because she’s had an energy boosting nap on the way home, and honestly it’s just becoming hell - I’ve had a full on screaming breakdown tonight which I feel horrendously guilty for but it’s just so draining and exhausting having to sit with a child for hours and hours every night trying to get them to sleep - it means that I often fall asleep without dinner or a shower because it’s so late.

WIBU to ask the PA to try and keep her awake on the journey? I’m thinking to maybe send her iPad with her to play on the way home to keep her awake for the journey too?

Sorry PA - passenger assistant!

Yanbu, but why not let her stay up a bit later if she's fallen asleep on the bus?

You want to give a 6 year old an ipad to use on a school bus? Bad idea and won’t survive long I am sure.

I don’t think it is the PA role to keep her awake I am afraid. I think yabu to ask her.

Why don’t you give her the ipad when she is home so you can eat dinner and have a shower.

Absolutely ask.

Tricky to keep a child awake in the car, and not sure who would want to take responsibility for a small child having an iPad? School presumably won’t want to.

Is the PA able to focus all her attention on your child or does she have others to look after too?

If you have funds, could she have a second hand android tablet just to avoid the risk of losing or breaking something valuable?
Would it hold her interest?
But otherwise no - I have similar dc and have done similar.
Needs must.
Sleep is important for you and for her.

I think it's entirely reasonable to 'ask' her if she wouldn't mind trying to keep DD awake, if she's willing to, try to think if things she can do with DD to keep her awake. It's very hard to keep other peoples kids awake when they're so tired.

I would ask if perhaps she can do little games eg: counting red cars etc and chat with your child, make sure the bus isn't too warm etc to help your daughter stay awake. I am sure she wouldn't mind you asking, having said that I cannot stay awake when i am very tired and never have been able to! .

She's 6. If she's falling asleep in a moving vehicle because she's tired, I don't think you can realistically expect the assistant to keep her awake.

Why do you get no dinner? Doesn't she eat dinner and why can't you eat with her? Or give her a mug of something whilst you eat? Have a shower with her? Does she need constant supervision or can she read a book/puzzle/colour/Lego whilst you wash? Or take her into the bathroom with you. If it's taking three hours to get her to sleep, let her stay up for an extra hour and sort yourself out first.

This is a reasonable thing to ask the PA to do. Ipad may well work well.

It would be highly unlikely she is able to use an iPad, the whole bus would want theirs too by the end of the week. Neither school nor the PA will want to look after it for obvious reasons.

I think if she's falling asleep she's exhausted so would try a later bedtime, giving you time to eat first yourself.

Is the PA one-to-one, or is she there for other children as well? If she's solely paid to accompany your daughter, I think it would be fine to ask her to try and distract your daughter and keep her awake. She could do some singing, or play word games or spotting games etc. Not too much to ask from someone who's paid to provide care, but possibly too much if she has multiples children to focus on.

I strongly suspect most of the replies here are from parents with NT kids. YANBU at all - I know those bedtimes all too well, and if I had to buy an iPad every day to avoid them I bloody would!

You will get a lot of useless replies from parents who have no idea what bedtime can be like with a hyper child with autism!!!

Absolutely ask that she is kept awake in the way home!!!

@justamumseekingadvice

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to ask. If you cannot drive and your daughter is 8 miles away what happens if the school phones you to come get her if she's poorly?

Just wondering as I may end up in a similar situation to you and just wondering how you work around it?

It is hard to keep children awake when they are tired but abit of fresh air (window open?) and I'd try the ipad or buy a cheap second hand one you can load stuff onto (cex do 2nd hand pads I bought an old samsung tablet for less than £20 quid delivered. It still survives but I wouldn't be heartbroken if something happened to it.) Can you send a little snack. I always find mines perk up after eating at the end of the school day.

Definitely try anything to keep her awake OP. iPad usually works for my DC with Autism on car journeys late in the day. I’ve also been giving DC half a melatonin gummy so 2.5mg at bedtime from Biovea and it’s like magic! Asleep within 20 mins instead of 2 hrs.

I’m a teacher at a special school where the majority children come in on taxis or minibuses. If a child needs to go home unwell and parents can’t taken them then sometimes their regular taxi firm and escort are able to come and pick them up if other times we have had to use a school vehicle and staff to take them home. If that isn’t possible we’ve just had to keep the child in school until hometime.

Yanbu. Hope PA can help you with this. I understand its not as easy as letting her stay up later and I know its not always possible to get her to do her own thing while you shower and eat.

Sorry should add that was for @Stumpfest, thought I had used the quote function but obviously not.

In relation to the original question I think it’s fine to ask the PA to keep your daughter awake. At my school it’s not uncommon for children to bring in iPads to school which stay in their bags only to be used in the taxi on the way to/ from school and it’s never been an issue.

Would the school be ok with her taking an iPad? Might be worth talking to gp about melatonin, it's been amazing with our asd wee one. My dc also love audio books to listen to in bed.

I really think it depends on the PA and what the situation is on the bus. It can be really difficult to keep a small child awake in a vehicle.

Maybe a tablet of some kind would help, though I would want to make sure it wasn't going to cause trouble with the other kids.

It sounds like she's really tired after school.