Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the PA to stop letting my daughter fall asleep on the way home?

172 replies

justamumseekingadvice · 09/02/2022 21:02

My daughter (6) goes on the school transport bus to school (only 8 miles away but takes around 40 minutes because of picking up the other children). I cannot drive her because I have vision problems that prevent me from driving, don’t have a partner and her dad isn’t currently involved, don’t have any local family and friends either.

Daughter has autism and she really struggles at bedtime, it can take up to 3 hours to get her to settle to sleep. She doesn’t seem tired during the day and normally does get around 10 hours a night, the problem is actually getting her to sleep in the first place but then she will sleep through until the morning.

The last couple of weeks she has been falling asleep on the school bus for around 20-30 minutes and then when it comes to bedtime she’s even more hyper and unsettled because she’s had an energy boosting nap on the way home, and honestly it’s just becoming hell - I’ve had a full on screaming breakdown tonight which I feel horrendously guilty for but it’s just so draining and exhausting having to sit with a child for hours and hours every night trying to get them to sleep - it means that I often fall asleep without dinner or a shower because it’s so late.

WIBU to ask the PA to try and keep her awake on the journey? I’m thinking to maybe send her iPad with her to play on the way home to keep her awake for the journey too?

OP posts:
Saz12 · 09/02/2022 23:16

Of course you can ask PA to try to keep her awake! I’m amazed that anyone today is so unaware that they fail to see that a neurofen-diverse child (& her parents!) might need some extra support on school transport.

Saz12 · 09/02/2022 23:17

Neurofen-diverse? Neuro-diverse, obviously!

MistyFrequencies · 09/02/2022 23:21

Of course ask. I completely feel your pain and avoided car journeys after lunch time for at least a year, severely restricting my own life, because if my autistic boy even thinks about closing his eyes during the day he will not sleep at night. I feel your pain. Do whatever you need to, ipad included.

LadyPropane · 09/02/2022 23:24

I think it's totally fine to ask.

It may not be possible, depending on how many other children the PA is responsible for, but there is really nothing wrong in asking.

RevolvingPivot · 09/02/2022 23:24

What time does she get up?
What time does she get the bus?

What time does she set off home?
What time does she get home?
What time do you put her to bed?
What time does she fall asleep?

Greenmarmalade · 09/02/2022 23:31

I agree- absolutely yes!

melj1213 · 09/02/2022 23:45

There is nothing unreasonable about asking but you have to be prepared for them to say no if it just isn't practical.

Depending on the set up the PA may be busy with other children - getting them on and off the minibus, making sure everyone is belted in securely etc - and may not be able to spend all of the journey just keeping your child awake.

If my DD was tired then no matter what I did on car trips all it took was a couple of minutes when I stopped engaging her (to check the directions or concentrate on an unfamiliar road layout etc) for her to be absolutely dead to the world and waking her up caused a massive melt down that wasn't worth the stress when I or ExDH was trying to drive and she is NT. Equally if she was sleepy then once she reached a certain point then trying to keep her awake made her grumpy and upset a d she would fall asleep anyway because she physically couldn't stay awake when being lulled by the vehicle movement. It's possible that the PA does try to engage her but she can't focus on her 100% and once shes asleep then waking her may cause a meltdown that could lead to other children getting upset/unsettled and or distracting the driver so they let her sleep because it is the lesser of two evils.

Original poster
justamumseekingadvice · 09/02/2022 23:54

Thank you for all of the responses! I think the PA is responsible for my daughter and one other child but my daughter has more needs than the other child so a lot of the focus does go on my daughter (she sits next to her etc). With the iPad, the school definitely would be happy with this because they’ve mentioned it to me before ages ago asking if she wanted to take it in with her just to keep her occupied in general, but it’s only been a very recent problem with the falling asleep on the way home so I’ve only just really thought more into it.

I put her into bed at around 7.30ish and we do a few stories but she’s not actually settling and going to sleep until nearly 11pm some nights and she wakes up at 6.45ish the next morning to be collected an hour later (it takes her a while to get dressed and eat breakfast so any later than that and we would have to rush and she would get upset at this).

For anyone who has mentioned the melatonin - how did you actually get that prescribed and how easy was it to get? I did mention it to the GP ages ago but they said they can’t prescribe it and it has to come from a paediatrician or consultant or something…

Thank you especially to other parents sharing their own experiences, and what has worked for their child I’ll definitely take them onboard - I especially liked the idea about a trampoline before bed - my daughter definitely could benefit from something like that to burn her energy off! X

OP posts:
Monopolyiscrap · 09/02/2022 23:56

@DePfeffoff Of course if a child is dropping off to sleep because of the motion of the bus, then the pa can engage with her and keep her awake. But some children are genuinely exhausted after school.

expat101 · 10/02/2022 00:06

I would be putting her to bed later except on Sunday nights when she wouldn't be napping due to not being on the bus.

One story only rule and only for Big Girls though, ask if she wants to start trying out to be a Big Girl. Get that verbal agreement and start a new routine. Don't stay in her room after the story and make it clear its time to sleep now after the story. Tuck in etc.

Marvellousmadness · 10/02/2022 00:14

Yabu this is not the PA's job.

Get her one of these watches that you can play games on so she can play that in the bus. Or an old iPhone/ipad.

BessieFinknottle · 10/02/2022 00:25

My DS who has autism was prescribed melatonin via CAMHS. It worked like magic. After literally years struggling with bedtime it was such a relief for him and for me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2022 00:49

It sounds as though your daughter is running rings around you. Call your GP and ask about melatonin. Then have think about your bedtime schedule. 11pm? Seriously?

BessieFinknottle · 10/02/2022 01:11

Well, that's helpful GreenFingersWouldBeHandy! Seriously indeed!
And the OP said she has already asked her GP for melatonin, but they were unable to prescribe it.

PitchImperfect · 10/02/2022 01:42

My DS was similar at bedtimes at around that age. The paediatrician who diagnosed him was happy enough to prescribe melatonin - do you have a paed? If not, maybe ask your GP for a referral? DS was on it for around a year, maybe a bit longer. He's 10 now & still struggles to get to sleep quite often but he's calm & either reads or just lies quietly, popping up to get drinks or go to the toilet when he gets too bored! Those hyper bedtimes were the hardest thing I've experienced as a parent, you have my sympathies!

Catlover77 · 10/02/2022 03:01

@justamumseekingadvice

Thank you for all of the responses! I think the PA is responsible for my daughter and one other child but my daughter has more needs than the other child so a lot of the focus does go on my daughter (she sits next to her etc). With the iPad, the school definitely would be happy with this because they’ve mentioned it to me before ages ago asking if she wanted to take it in with her just to keep her occupied in general, but it’s only been a very recent problem with the falling asleep on the way home so I’ve only just really thought more into it.

I put her into bed at around 7.30ish and we do a few stories but she’s not actually settling and going to sleep until nearly 11pm some nights and she wakes up at 6.45ish the next morning to be collected an hour later (it takes her a while to get dressed and eat breakfast so any later than that and we would have to rush and she would get upset at this).

For anyone who has mentioned the melatonin - how did you actually get that prescribed and how easy was it to get? I did mention it to the GP ages ago but they said they can’t prescribe it and it has to come from a paediatrician or consultant or something…

Thank you especially to other parents sharing their own experiences, and what has worked for their child I’ll definitely take them onboard - I especially liked the idea about a trampoline before bed - my daughter definitely could benefit from something like that to burn her energy off! X

I also struggled obtaining melatonin off our GP. I have just ordered the gummies that a pp recommended and there is a free shipping code currently on offer.
Monkeytennis97 · 10/02/2022 04:30

@DiscoBadgers

I strongly suspect most of the replies here are from parents with NT kids. YANBU at all - I know those bedtimes all too well, and if I had to buy an iPad every day to avoid them I bloody would!
This is what I was thinking too.

Yadnbu. I remember those nights too.

Monkeytennis97 · 10/02/2022 04:32

My DS started on melatonin at 8. Might be worth a chat with the GP?

Mumofsend · 10/02/2022 05:25

Lots of really uninformed posts.

Especially the one suggesting move to a nearer not so suitable school. Chances are there a) isn't a nearer specialist school b) actually getting a move with an ehcp isn't easy c) places are like hens teeth d) the impact on an autistic child.

Lots of children take ipads with them on transport so that would be my first plan.

If it doesn't help then it may be necessary to speak to your transport department as it will be having such a huge effect on her sleep and subsequently her ability to do her best in school and her wellbeing. If it isn't leaving her in a reasonable state then the arrangement isn't working so they need to consider either individual transport or changing the order so she is on less

YABU I have autistic DC, this would keep my child awake for hours longer than they already are.

Mumofsend · 10/02/2022 05:26

Melatonin is really difficult to get prescribed. It took us 3 years of hoop jumping to get the sleep clinic to prescribe

Mumofsend · 10/02/2022 05:27

@Monkeytennis97 GP can't prescribe melatonin for children

2bunny · 10/02/2022 05:31

I'm a pa, it is reasonable to ask but you have to remember that the pa will have about 13 to 15 children in there bus all who will be needing individual help plus getting all the children off the bus, it is quite difficult if you have other children who are shouting you name or getting upset because we have to drive another way because of road work and your trying to keep the whole bus calm, It can be very difficult to keep a child awake if they are so tired they are falling asleep especially on a moving vehicle, and no tablets allowed as parents belive it the pa responsibility to make sure it doesn't get broke or lost

Mumofsend · 10/02/2022 05:32

@2bunny the PA has 2 children to care for. RTF.

TheWitchersWife · 10/02/2022 05:39

My DS was referred to a paediatrician from his speech therapist, Nursery and health visitor. They all worked together to get him seen.
He was prescribed melatonin after a discussion of his behaviour.
But they have been rubbish with everything else, we had one who phoned us twice and wouldn't meet my DS because of covid.
When we hadn't heard from them in over a year I sent an email explaining that my DS still hasn't been seen in person by anyone and he's still struggling, I was told DS' paediatrician had left the profession and was waiting to be assigned to someone else.
Eventually got a new paediatrician who still refused to meet DS due to covid!
Thankfully DS school has been great, he has an EHCP and lots of help.
Good luck with getting referred.

2bunny · 10/02/2022 05:47

Sorry just seen pa only has 2, on my last 5 buses I have had between 13 and 15 so please ignore my previous comment