Page 7 | My name is not on the mortgage and I pay him £700 per month

Star54 · 2022-02-09T17:56:55+00:00

I have been with my partner for 30 plus years, we have grown up children and I work full time in a high pressured role. I have always worked and paid towards the house and the bills. We never married although we got engaged. He is now retired and has been for circa 10 years, I give him £700 per month and pay a significant part of the food bill, I also pay when we go out for meals etc. I have left him before twice but returned in part because he refused to give me any money from the house to start anew. My name is not on the house deeds and there is no mortgage, if I raise it the issue always causes a row and he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him. I am at the end of my tether and now fel I should leave. Am I being unreasonable given that he had a property in his own right when we first met (I was 21 and am now in my 50s). I am strong him my job but not assertive in my relationship as I have felt bad for leaving him before.

notanothertakeaway · 09/02/2022 22:32

I think a useful starting point would be to look at the value of the house and what might be one half of the cost of renting that house

If it might cost £1400 per month to rent, and you've been paying £700, perhaps you've had an ok deal

Jmaho · 09/02/2022 22:33

@RandomLondoner

You could almost be my soon-to-be-ex. My flat is in my name only, mortgage paid off before she started making any contribution to join finances. She then paid £700 a month plus half of groceries for about 20 years. And a lot more on child-related stuff, which is also a joint expense.

I guess many here would think she should be entitled some equity, But according to my calculation, if I add up all joint expenditure, including what I spent on buying the flat, then deduct the housing equity I got at the end from my contribution, I still paid 75% of our joint costs.

So I would say having paid 700 a month does not necessarily prove any moral entitlement to a share of house equity. It's meaningless in isolation, we need to know everything both parties put in and got out, to come to a conclusion.

Let me get this right. You charged your soon to be ex partner £700 a month over 20 years to live in your flat which was mortgage free? And now you're seething because she's got some of the equity? The mother of your children? Who presumably with that £700 a month covered council tax, utilities etc. Are you sure this is your partner and not a lodger you're talking about here? You must have been laughing at her! No mortgage, no bills for you to pay. I bet you saved thousands over the years Oh well guess you can sit in the flat that you own (mine all mine) and look at your bank balance and feel smug that you did the right thing by never putting her on the deeds Christ almighty what money does to people

CrueTrimeGal · 09/02/2022 22:34

Oh my goodness please leave him. This is financial abuse. You you are giving him that amount anyway, surely you can afford to rent somewhere else. Even if it's a room in a shared house, he will no longer have that hold over you. All the best.

skitenoir · 09/02/2022 22:41

You've essentially been sleeping with your landlord for 3 decades. A landlord doesn't lose their property and tenants don't gain ownership rights if they sleep together.

Unless you live in a place where "common law" marriage is recognized (and you subsequently fit the requirements for it; in certain areas, I believe both partners have to call each other husband/ wife for it to count, or other similar things, which I'm not sure he's done) I don't think you're going to be entitled to anything for the money you've handed over. Your children are fully grown, you aren't married, and you aren't on any of the titles or deeds.

I'd still check with a solicitor as a just in case, but your best bet may be draining whatever accounts you have access to, sneaking your name on as the beneficiary of as many things as you can and hoping he's too lazy to change it before he dies, selling joint property, and cutting your losses to finally leave before it's later and even worse than now.

HelloFrostyMorning · 09/02/2022 22:45

OMG you poor thing @Star54 But why on EARTH have you spend 30 years with this man? You are entitled to NOTHING. Nothing of his, and not the house. As has been said, you have no more rights than a flatmate.

Ignore people saying you are a common law wife.

There is no such thing.

notanothertakeaway · 09/02/2022 22:59

@CrueTrimeGal

Oh my goodness please leave him. This is financial abuse. You you are giving him that amount anyway, surely you can afford to rent somewhere else. Even if it's a room in a shared house, he will no longer have that hold over you. All the best.

@CrueTrimeGal Not necessarily financial abuse. In some parts of the country, £700 + utilities would be a bargain price to pay for accommodation. More info needed from OP

CrimbleCrumble1 · 09/02/2022 23:02

For £700 a month here you could rent a room
Possibly with an en-suite, the £700 isn’t the issue. It’s the fact that when the OP moved into the home when the DC were young she didn’t insist it was a joint purchase or get married.

twilightermummy · 09/02/2022 23:08

**myusernamewastakenbyme

I'd love to read these comments if the genders were reversed and Op owned the house...im pretty sure everyone would be telling her it is her asset and her dh is entitled to nothing.**

At £700 a month? That is highly doubtful. This is utterly incomprehensible and I am positive that if the roles were reversed, people would be similarly outraged.

He really has done a number on you op. I can’t understand you putting up with this for 30 years and I feel sorry for you that you have. I agree with another poster that your best bet now would probably be to marry him but, how you could stomach waking up to him even another day I’ll never know. He sounds nasty.

cabbageking · 09/02/2022 23:15

Has he made a will? What are his plans should he die?

You need advice about a cohabitation agreement perhaps? This may open the way for a discussion about provision for you and the children after his death? What does he think will happen?
Get proper legal advice.

Changeee15467 · 09/02/2022 23:24

Don't take advice on here - see a solicitor, immediately.

expat101 · 09/02/2022 23:32

I would be concerned that should something happen to your partner, you would end up homeless. I'm thinking if he needs to go into a care home situation, how would that be funded if it wasn't for selling the home?

Please see a Solicitor.

Thoosa · 09/02/2022 23:36

@myusernamewastakenbyme

I'd love to read these comments if the genders were reversed and Op owned the house...im pretty sure everyone would be telling her it is her asset and her dh is entitled to nothing.

After 30 years and children? I doubt it. The balance of MN opinion is usually pretty fair and reasonable.

sandgrown · 09/02/2022 23:38

I am in a similar position but I have a restriction on the house deeds so he cannot sell without my written permission. We bought the house together though but I already had a mortgage on another property. At the time it was difficult to have two mortgages so he took it in his name. I have to prove he couldn’t have paid for the house and lived without my contribution. Any court case will be under the rules of TOLATA if you want to read up. See a solicitor as soon as possible for advice . Solicitor didn’t manage to get an agreement do now it will be mediation before court . Good luck

Member869894 · 09/02/2022 23:41

Unless you can show that your money paid for home improvement or went into the mortgage I'm afraid you aren't entitled to scything. In all honesty if you could bear it I you should marry him now. Has he made a will ?

Blossomtoes · 09/02/2022 23:55

@Spodocomod0

This really shouldn't be a problem,you do need to seek legal advice, but if you can prove that you paid towards the upkeep of your home and family fo the last thirty years,and you're not a lodger. ( Common law wife and mother) A judge would consider that you have a financial interest in the house .marriage isn't necessary.

There’s no such thing as a common law wife. Please don’t tell her it isn’t a problem. There is. A massive one.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/02/2022 00:02

@Spodocomod0

This really shouldn't be a problem,you do need to seek legal advice, but if you can prove that you paid towards the upkeep of your home and family fo the last thirty years,and you're not a lodger. ( Common law wife and mother) A judge would consider that you have a financial interest in the house .marriage isn't necessary.

Common law wife is not a legally recognised concept in the UK now.

MimiDaisy11 · 10/02/2022 00:08

@Loveisthere

Op please go to a Solicitor asap. I know a lady late fifties two adult married dc had been with her partner 26 years never married dp never made a will. Dp passed suddenly. The dc inherited everything, sold the house the lady ended up on benefits sharing a 4 bedroom house with 3 strangers. Dc spent their money and did not give their dm anything. Please now is the time to get this sorted out not oh when you get time to do it make time now. Best of look x

Wow that’s sad. I wish people would sort these issues out and plan for future issues. People put their head in the sand.

Best of luck with the solicitor OP

Lockdownbear · 10/02/2022 00:22

Op I hope you have luck with the solicitor.

There have been a few threads on here and people getting called CFs for not wanting to pay towards partners mortgage. It's crazy because your situation is exactly why you should have a separate nest egg.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2022 00:37

@Fairylightsongs

Op, if you rented for thirty years do you feel you’d be entitled to the house. This is no different. It’s his, yoire not married, you have no entitlement, it’s just like paying rent.

You don't tend to have children and live with your landlord.

It's nothing like 'paying rent'

Ringsender2 · 10/02/2022 00:47

It would be a good idea to put an alert on the property in case he tries to (re)mortgage or sell it. I think you do it with Land Registry, but hopefully someone will come along soon and confirm/correct

BungleandGeorge · 10/02/2022 00:54

You say you pay £700 per month plus part of the food bill? Do you mean you pay £700 a month towards all household bills or you pay those on top? If it’s the former and that amount covers council tax, utilities, broadband, tv, phone, insurance, servicing and maintenance of the property it doesn’t sound bad to me! You may possibly be able to make a claim as you’ve regularly paid in but if your amount paid includes bills and maintenance he’ll presumably be able to take your share of those off.

Personally I’m not sure why rille should be expected to share equity if they’re not married. Just living with someone doesn’t give that right so either get married or make sure the property is in joint names, or buy your own property

Momijin · 10/02/2022 01:23

Unfortunately this stupid country's rules doesn't have anything about common law spouse. So, speak to a solicitor but I suspect you've just been paying rent all these years. Stop paying tent and look to buy your own property

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 10/02/2022 03:27

@Momijin

Unfortunately this stupid country's rules doesn't have anything about common law spouse. So, speak to a solicitor but I suspect you've just been paying rent all these years. Stop paying tent and look to buy your own property

That’s because we have legally recognised channels for consenting adults to make a decision. You want the legal benefits of marriage? Do something about it

AlDanvers · 10/02/2022 04:37

@Momijin

Unfortunately this stupid country's rules doesn't have anything about common law spouse. So, speak to a solicitor but I suspect you've just been paying rent all these years. Stop paying tent and look to buy your own property

I disagree they are stupid. They are quite clear.

You want the legal protection of marriage. You get married. If your partner is refusing, then you need to be rethinking the relationship.

If people wish, to not join finances and make their relationship a legal one, they should be able to have that choice.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 10/02/2022 07:02

@Ringsender2

It would be a good idea to put an alert on the property in case he tries to (re)mortgage or sell it. I think you do it with Land Registry, but hopefully someone will come along soon and confirm/correct

Can you do this if you’re not on the deeds or mortgage? I suspect not!