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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My name is not on the mortgage and I pay him £700 per month

395 replies

Star54 · 09/02/2022 17:56

I have been with my partner for 30 plus years, we have grown up children and I work full time in a high pressured role. I have always worked and paid towards the house and the bills. We never married although we got engaged. He is now retired and has been for circa 10 years, I give him £700 per month and pay a significant part of the food bill, I also pay when we go out for meals etc. I have left him before twice but returned in part because he refused to give me any money from the house to start anew. My name is not on the house deeds and there is no mortgage, if I raise it the issue always causes a row and he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him. I am at the end of my tether and now fel I should leave. Am I being unreasonable given that he had a property in his own right when we first met (I was 21 and am now in my 50s). I am strong him my job but not assertive in my relationship as I have felt bad for leaving him before.

OP posts:
sassbott · 10/02/2022 18:57

Such a depressing thread.

Firstly for the Op.
Secondly for the vast majority of which is woefully incorrect (please only listen to the lawyers)
The £700 number is irrelevant without the wider context of where they live/ OP’s assets etc/ overall household expenditure. In London, even renting a room is over a thousand pounds a month.

Just get legal advice OP.

SheWentWest · 10/02/2022 19:00

Be sure to stick that on your online dating profile 😂

SheWentWest · 10/02/2022 19:02

Oops wrong thread

Viviennemary · 10/02/2022 19:03

You might be entitled to something. See a solicitor. Why did you leave it 30 years before addressing this issue.

Libby98765 · 10/02/2022 19:04

He’s picked up on your vulnerability a long time age. He’s perhaps afraid of being alone, you leaving him when he still has feelings, he’s controlling and/or worried about the prospect of giving you some money and living in smaller less comfortable accommodation or perhaps having to get another mortgage when currently he is comfortably mortgage free. Your adult children, how difficult it is for them to see all this. I’d suggest you gather financial evidence re everything you have poured into the home even over the years (your bank statements over the years are a good start) . I’m sure you would have some entitlements but it would be expensive and perhaps lengthy to go through this.. Check out ‘beneficial interest’ on google , I also found this… familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/property-rights-for-unmarried-couples/

Why also do you keep paying £700per month knowing the kind of person he is, is he threatening to kick you out?

Draytoncb · 10/02/2022 19:05

What a slime bag.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 10/02/2022 19:06

You've been together 30 years
You have adult children (together I presume?)
There is no mortgage on the house
You pay HIM £700/month - for what???

I can't put into words how messed up this is OP. You effectively have nothing to show for you contribution from your 20s to your 50s, according to this awful man. I believe his attitude fits the definition of financial abuse. Please seek legal advice, and ultimately leave this jerk. Good luck OP.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 19:11

PetuniaT I can understand why you are worried. Can you show her CAB link.
I know people don’t like to think what if he dies or leaves but it does need thinking about.

Islandescape · 10/02/2022 19:13

I don’t know from a legal point of view but personally I don’t think you should be entitled to a share of the house. It’s his house and you pay him rent.

dlizi4 · 10/02/2022 19:14

I lived with a guy, built up properties and helped run a business with him with no wage. After 13 years and a son, he had other plans and I walked, with nothing apart from my son which we shared for a time.
I felt completely cheated but the laws have changed now?

Kennykenkencat · 10/02/2022 19:17

She says children were 4 and 6. Maybe she wasn’t working and mortgage company said only he could get mortgage/go on deeds

Of course you can go on the deeds and mortgage if you don’t have a job.
I have always been on both and a couple of times haven’t been earning anything at the time.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 19:19

More posters coming on saying it’s a ‘common law marriage’ which DOES NOT EXIST in England.
Out of curiosity can I ask why you think it does. A quick google says it’s a myth. Why do so many people believe it?!!

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 19:24

Kennycat historically some women ran into difficulties remember this is 25/30 years ago. Op might have not gone on for many reasons. Either way what’s done is done and she needs specialist legal advice.

madroid · 10/02/2022 19:27

There's no such thing as a common law marriage in English law true, but courts are recognising long term partnerships with children more frequently and dividing assets more as though it were a marriage.

OP definitely needs to see a solicitor.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 19:28

dlizi4 no law hasn’t changed. It’s not a special law for unmarried people it’s using existing law to try and establish an equitable interest.
Obviously is fact specific, expensive to pursue and complex. Solicitor you saw will have advised on specifics of your case.

madroid · 10/02/2022 19:29

Kennycat historically some women ran into difficulties remember this is 25/30 years ago.

Grin

The Sex Discrimination Act is 46 years old!!

Mandyjack · 10/02/2022 19:32

If he sees it as his house why have you paid towards the house for all these years? You would probably have more rights if you was married. Stop paying him and think about your next move. I don't get why you are giving him so much money if there isn't even a mortgage

Mandyjack · 10/02/2022 19:35

@Islandescape

I don’t know from a legal point of view but personally I don’t think you should be entitled to a share of the house. It’s his house and you pay him rent.
She's his partner not his lodger! He's basically fleeced her for 30 years! Not only is she giving him 700 quid but also paying for food etc.
TheHumanExperience · 10/02/2022 19:38

He does not sound like a nice person. I'm not surprised you feel the need to leave. I really hope you can evidence money you have given to him? Please don't say you gave him cash, because that will well and truly cause you problems. If on the other hand, you transferred that money through a bank, I would say you have a good chance at a case. Either way, contact professional legal advice, it will be money well spent.

Islandgirl68 · 10/02/2022 19:40

Surely not, she has contributed to the house and other bills so how is it his when she has contributed, that does not seem fair.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 19:41

madroid but lenders have own lending criteria, loan to value, credit rating requirements etc. It’s not unheard of for houses to have been bought in man’s name.

TataMamma · 10/02/2022 19:45

If you've got kids together, can't you "use" them to get him to be reasonable about things?

Ziegfeld · 10/02/2022 19:49

@Islandescape

I don’t know from a legal point of view but personally I don’t think you should be entitled to a share of the house. It’s his house and you pay him rent.
700 a month = 8400 a year. The tax free limit for rent-a-room is 6000 a year.

Wonder if he’s been declaring any of this income to HMRC…..

Ineke · 10/02/2022 19:54

You need a solicitor and to get your name on the deeds asap. You also need to draw up wills which will be mutually beneficial if either of you should die. Don’t hang about, if he dies tomorrow you are not in a good place.