Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF beaten and robbed of £800 after visiting prostitute but I kicked him out

159 replies

DayLondon · 09/02/2022 13:02

Was I wrong to react like this? I had a massive row with my best friend of many years who said it was self-centred and narcissistic of me to behave in the way I did to my now safe to say ex-BF.

Okay the background is me and BF met on Tinder around 3 years ago but during the second lockdown he effectively moved in with me. He was on furlough and then jobless and living rent free but it wasn’t an issue for me at the time. Sometimes he used to go off in the afternoon and return a few hours later and always used to say he was going to meet a friend ‘here and there’ and being a trusting person I didn’t think much of it.

A few afternoons ago he went off again to meet ‘with a friend’ in Canning Town but returned with face slashed and clothes bloodied looking utterly dazed. I was so upset and my immediate thought was he got into a fight but after saying he needed to call the Police he confessed that he had gone to visit a prostitute and ended up being attacked by 2 men and possibly a third who bolted and ran off as soon as the prostitute opened the door.

I told him he had no sympathy from me and to pack his bags and find a friend to stay with and sort it out there. He seemed very upset at this and wasn’t expecting my reaction and said he wanted to ‘come clean with me.’

As a result of all this mess none of my own making I’ve now potentially lost my friend as well though she refused to take my side over this so not sure how good a friend she really was.

Was I wrong to react in the way I did and should I have been more sympathetic to someone who had just been badly robbed and disfigured, regardless of what the circumstances were?

OP posts:
Figgygal · 09/02/2022 16:11

Your friend is utterly crackers
Wont even comment on your piss taking cocklodger ex - just make sure he stays an ex

ClawedButler · 09/02/2022 16:12

So he was fit enough to get himself home, but not to the police or a medical facility?

It's not narcissistic to have basic standards! Was your friend suggesting that he was in the right somehow? Some impressive moral gymnastics needed to make him into the good guy in this scenario.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 09/02/2022 16:13

@Blossomtoes

No, *@Joolsin*. There’s form there for - let’s be polite - bizarre comments.
On the plus side, it's a great time saver if OP doesn't have time to read all the comments. If Viviennemary turns up and says you're BU, you're probably ok.
TeeBee · 09/02/2022 16:17

Unreasonable??! Of course you weren't! I'd have also rolled around laughing at the situation he'd found himself in and would have continued howling while I was throwing him out.

cherrytopcake · 09/02/2022 16:19

You have not been unreasonable at all op! Totally normal to kick him out and end the relationship. If he's old enough to decide to visit a prostitute then he's old enough to sort his own mess out. You need to distance yourself from him and your not so good 'mate'.

ziggiestardust · 09/02/2022 16:20

OP I think it must be pretty clear now that you are not in fact, being unreasonable. However, I'm mystified as to how you possibly imagined you were being. I can only imagine you've been treated like shit for so long by these people that your self esteem is on the floor. In addition to getting a comprehensive STI screen, I'd definitely recommend self referring to a therapist through the IAPT online and talking through everything that's brought you to this point. It sounds like you could do with someone on your side.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 09/02/2022 16:26

He is a victim of crime because he was preying on a victim of crime.

(Along with all the wrongs he has done you.)

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 09/02/2022 16:27

The beating/robbery is wrong of course but seems oddly just in this case.

Drinkingallthewine · 09/02/2022 16:28

OMG he ran home to you like you were his mummy.
It literally didn't occur to him that you might just be a teeny tiny bit pissed off he was out shagging. Was he expecting you to kiss his ouchie and tell him you'd go down and threaten them with your rolling pin? The fuckwit.

Unless he was literally in danger of bleeding to death right there and then I'd have done the exact same, OP. He could go anywhere and dial 999 for himself, not like they chopped off his fingers.

It's pretty obvious who his next girlfriend will be, isn't it?

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/02/2022 16:32

He is a drug dealer obviously and has been a bad one at that
Your friend is obviously shagging him and he uses prostitutes

Please tell me you have had a FULL sexual health check up - the aids test is now an instant response

incognitoforthisone · 09/02/2022 16:34

I would have sent him packing as well. I wouldn't have called the police for him, or taken him to A&E. If he was well enough to get home to you after being battered, he was well enough to get to the nearest hospital or police station. You reap what you sow.

Your 'friend' is a giant twat; I'd send them packing as well.

I'm really sorry this shit has happened to you, OP. Agree with others that you should definitely consider getting checked over for STIs.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 16:41

@DayLondon

Was I wrong to react like this? I had a massive row with my best friend of many years who said it was self-centred and narcissistic of me to behave in the way I did to my now safe to say ex-BF.

Okay the background is me and BF met on Tinder around 3 years ago but during the second lockdown he effectively moved in with me. He was on furlough and then jobless and living rent free but it wasn’t an issue for me at the time. Sometimes he used to go off in the afternoon and return a few hours later and always used to say he was going to meet a friend ‘here and there’ and being a trusting person I didn’t think much of it.

A few afternoons ago he went off again to meet ‘with a friend’ in Canning Town but returned with face slashed and clothes bloodied looking utterly dazed. I was so upset and my immediate thought was he got into a fight but after saying he needed to call the Police he confessed that he had gone to visit a prostitute and ended up being attacked by 2 men and possibly a third who bolted and ran off as soon as the prostitute opened the door.

I told him he had no sympathy from me and to pack his bags and find a friend to stay with and sort it out there. He seemed very upset at this and wasn’t expecting my reaction and said he wanted to ‘come clean with me.’

As a result of all this mess none of my own making I’ve now potentially lost my friend as well though she refused to take my side over this so not sure how good a friend she really was.

Was I wrong to react in the way I did and should I have been more sympathetic to someone who had just been badly robbed and disfigured, regardless of what the circumstances were?

Focusing on the medical aspects, what about any diseases he could of passed on?

Then where was his loyalty to you

I'm guessing he only came clean as he couldn't cover up this time ?

Then say you helped him, how long before he is back there again and then another coming clean event ?

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/02/2022 16:42

@DayLondon As a couple of posters have wisely suggested, get your locks changed as soon as possible. Even if your Ex has given you his back.

It's a bit of hassle but far better knowing he can't pop back when you're out for your valuables "something he's forgotten".

You're well rid.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/02/2022 16:44

@T00Ts

Jesus Christ. The revolting ex-boyfriend can go and stay with the mental ex-friend, then. Their ankle-height bar for human decency make them a perfect match.

Run. Make better friends.

Exactly what I was thinking.

They deserve each other.

Visiting prostitues

a) - he could catch any sort of STD and infect YOU

b) he's living rent/expenses free, but giving money to these women

You did exactly the right thing! Well done for taking no sh*t from him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2022 16:54

There was a John murdered near where I worked. He was murdered because he tried to rape the woman he had 'hired' for less than a tenner and her friend decided to beat him.

I feel sorry for the woman, her friend, the John's family (wife and young children) and the witnesses who experienced trauma.

I don't believe in the death penalty. But he, again, wanted to rape a young, addicted street sex worker.

CanofCant · 09/02/2022 17:00

@MrsTerryPratchett

There was a John murdered near where I worked. He was murdered because he tried to rape the woman he had 'hired' for less than a tenner and her friend decided to beat him.

I feel sorry for the woman, her friend, the John's family (wife and young children) and the witnesses who experienced trauma.

I don't believe in the death penalty. But he, again, wanted to rape a young, addicted street sex worker.

Yeah, I share your feelings and if that makes me an unkind, bad person then so be it.
gunnerside · 09/02/2022 17:01

@T00Ts

Jesus Christ. The revolting ex-boyfriend can go and stay with the mental ex-friend, then. Their ankle-height bar for human decency make them a perfect match.

Run. Make better friends.

I bet this has been quoted several times Sums up the situation in a nutshell!

YANBU

Angelswithflirtyfaces · 09/02/2022 17:03

Hard lessons all round what a shock OP and nasty people.
Raise your standards in the future dont try to fix the waifs and strays with a hard luck story to tell.
You sound a nice person but that makes you vulnerable to scum like this.
Absolutely do not let anyone take advantage again if your kind nature, finances etc. If you do not weed out these types you will encounter them again and again.

ANameChangeAgain · 09/02/2022 17:09

Just to add to the chorus of well done. My sympathy would have extended to the world's smallest violin, I certainly wouldn't have been mopping up his injuries after being beaten up and robbed by his prostitute's pimp.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2022 17:23

"I had a massive row with my best friend of many years who said it was self-centred and narcissistic of me to behave in the way I did to my now safe to say ex-BF."

Your best friend has some serious problems that she needs to address. That level of dick-pandering is off the scale. What she sees as "self-centred and narcissistic" I see as decent self-esteem and self-protection. She needs to work on getting some boundaries and work on why she thinks women should be doormats to shit men.

Oh, and well done for getting rid of the cocklodging scrounging abuser. Excellent work!

mycatisannoying · 09/02/2022 17:25

You did the right thing OP. Hope you're ok.

ChargingBuck · 09/02/2022 17:27

You were vile. Talk about victim blaming.

@Viviennemary you often make blatantly contrarian posts in favour of whatever man an OP is worrying about, but this one's an absolute corker Grin

Why not pm the OP here, & offer the poor 'victim' a room in your gaff?
You won't mind that he doesn't pay a penny, borrows money off you, visits sex workers & comes bleating home at all hours expecting tea & sympathy from you for his dodgy exploits, no?

ChargingBuck · 09/02/2022 17:33

@WhereYouLeftIt thank you for resurrecting dick-pandering, my fave MN phrase ever. I've pinched it often since seeing it a few years back, & wish I could remember the PP who originally posted it.

Unless .... {drum roll} ... it was YOU?

RedBonnet · 09/02/2022 17:33

I don't understand why he confessed. Why not just say he was robbed and leave it that. 🤔

Sprucewillis · 09/02/2022 17:38

@Viviennemary

Have you been hit on the head?

Not sure what you think your point is. I thought you had miss posted to begin with but no, just really unhelpful snarky advice, completely missing the mark.

Here's a clue - the man mentioned on this post is not the victim. Yes he's had a hoofing - but not by the OP.

NOT THE VICTIM

Swipe left for the next trending thread