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Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
Mo1911 · 09/02/2022 13:03

She should have reminded you years ago and not left it until your wedding. She's bound to know that it's been an oversight and it would embarrass/ annoy you that you forgot. That's something that shouldn't have been brought up to mess with your head at such a busy and happy time. I wonder if she's a tad jealous of your wedding as well as being passive aggressive.

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 13:05

[quote Gwenhwyfar]"@Gwenhwyfar Yes, it really is. I went out just last night and we spent £150 between the two of us, for steak and a bottle of wine. So with my friends, it does balance out."

OMG! I was shocked by the £200 as a wedding present as well, but I seem to be the only one.[/quote]
People are focusing unnecessarily on the dinner I mentioned. It’s not the issue here though.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 09/02/2022 13:05

Haha I do find it funny that your friend has been quietly seething for 8 years rather than come straight out and ask you for her money. Saying that £120 is a lot of money and I find it hard to believe that you forgot all about owing it to her.

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 13:05

@Classicblunder

I am surprised by the number of people who can't imagine forgetting something like this. Do they literally never forget something important? Must be nice to be so perfect
I literally never forget to pay what I owe.

It has nothing to do with being perfect; everything to do with indelible childhood memory.

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 13:06

@SunshineCake1

I don't think it is clever or cheeky. I think she has handled it well actually. Makes the point but not to your face to save embarrassment and squares you with her.
Exactly. I bet she's a Scorpio.
Jux · 09/02/2022 13:07

TALK TO HER!!!!
Ring her up and have a laugh together about it. "OMG!! I'm so sorry I'd completely forgotten that!! What on EARTH had happened that I didn't pay at the time?" Etc. Lighthearted and no blame and no offense and YOU ARE FRIENDS not enemies, not rivals etc etc.

You can't remember why you didn't pay her back then, just reminisce. Maybe you had some big expenses coming up or had overspent or something and she'd said "pay me when that's all over and you're back to normal". There are so many possibilities. Take the opportunity to have a chat about it all, reminisce and bolster your long term friendship even more (not saying it heeds it, just always nice to strengthen those relationships even more).

Don't make it into an issue, fgs.

Whitney168 · 09/02/2022 13:10

I was also amazed at the way she brought it up, and did think it’s cheeky. There have been many many times when she could have brought it up. The last time I paid for anything was summer 2019, when she owed me £350 for a weekend away (group weekend away that I did the booking for). That was just one time she could have said hey, you still owe me £120, so I’ll take that off. There were many other times before then away that she could have brought it up, but she didn’t and instead chose to make it my wedding gift.

Things like this really do make it very petty and hurtful the way she's gone about it.

CorneliusVetch · 09/02/2022 13:12

You’re massively in the wrong for not paying her back initially, but the way she has dealt with it is really childish. It’s a snipe at you on your wedding day. Why not mention it in the intervening 8 years rather than use a happy event to make a passive aggressive point?

Pathetic.

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 13:16

@2bazookas OMG she actually is a Scorpio!!

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 09/02/2022 13:17

Don't make it into an issue, fgs

Tbf it isn’t the OP who has made it a drama out of it. Don’t forget notice of the outstanding debt was her friends wedding gift.

I hope for the OP’s sake that it was a misjudged attempt at humour rather than an intended snipe but anything the OP does now is a reaction to a situation that has already been created. She’s not obliged to smooth it over so her friend doesn’t have to feel awkward, if she even would.

Rewis · 09/02/2022 13:17

I'm somehow imagining that if op hadn't gotten married then decades down the line at op's funeral she'd leave a note "I would have bought her flowers but 70 years ago she didn't pay me for a concert".

dimples76 · 09/02/2022 13:20

I think that she has made herself look very childish. Some wedding present! I hope that you had a lovely wedding.

My brother never pays me back - I adore him but he is forgetful and can be very inconsiderate. My sisters and I try and get him to order things now so we can knock our contributions off his debts to us. I totally get how you could forget to pay as I always (or rather nearly always pay straight away) and then it's out of my mind. Given the nature of your friendship she could easily have offset it at some point.

mistermagpie · 09/02/2022 13:20

You were in the wrong in the first place OP, obviously, but you've admitted it. And it bugs me how many people are saying they would never forget such a thing. If you and your friends are regularly spunking £70 on random dinners then maybe £120 isn't as meaningful as it would be to, say, me. Plus we are all human and make mistakes.

Anyway, that was your mistake but what she has done is passive aggressive and spiteful and I would agree with the PP who said she doesn't like you very much. Unfortunately. As an aside, I kept all my wedding cards because I'm sentimental like that, these things do have meaning and think it's really crass to have brought this debt up as an an association to your wedding which you will now probably never forget. Even though you were in the wrong in the first place, she has lost the moral high ground here for me.

This is the kind of thing that would really really bother me, I would be angsty about it for ages. The guilt at not paying, the embarrassment that every time she's seen you she would have been thinking about it, the upset at the fact that she felt she couldn't ask you for it and therefore what kind of person does she think you are. I'm anxious enough about normal things, I'd be off the charts with this!

burnoutbabe · 09/02/2022 13:22

@Cornettoninja

Don't make it into an issue, fgs

Tbf it isn’t the OP who has made it a drama out of it. Don’t forget notice of the outstanding debt was her friends wedding gift.

I hope for the OP’s sake that it was a misjudged attempt at humour rather than an intended snipe but anything the OP does now is a reaction to a situation that has already been created. She’s not obliged to smooth it over so her friend doesn’t have to feel awkward, if she even would.

yep, a pretty crappy gift as it was a nasty little comment

And actually meant they deliberatly gave no gift, as anyone would of course pay back the £120 at that point.

So really, a shitty thing to do.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 09/02/2022 13:25

Did she really never mention it ? I mean once she bought the tickets was it never mentioned again ? Or was it she asked you a few times and you kept forgetting until she gave up . 8 years later she thought no gift as she never paid for those tickets. I think it’s brilliant perhaps you’ll never forget again op and pay people straight away .

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/02/2022 13:25

I'm surprised at all the people saying she's great, etc. I don't agree with that, I think she's sneaky with an unpleasant streak. If she genuinely felt OP owed her for those concert tickets, she could have asked to offset that cost against the cost of say, the weekend away. The very next time she owed OP for something would have been the ideal time to remind her she felt she was owed.

I think she's been very underhand. She could have mentioned it hundreds of times over the years and she's chosen not to. That's irrational (if she hadn't also forgotten) and scheming. Why didn't she mention it at the other times she owed OP? Because it either wasn't owed, or because she wanted to score points, or because she didn't remember either. But if she had forgotten, and did feel it was owed, why put a damper on OP's wedding by bringing it up as "a wedding present"? That's totally shit. The wedding was a totally inappropriate time to raise the issue.

It would certainly change how I felt about her.

CorneliusVetch · 09/02/2022 13:26

I would transfer her her £120 and never speak to her again personally

TenoringBehind · 09/02/2022 13:26

Of course you were in the wrong by not paying her at the time but mistakes happen, and she couid and should have reminded you.

What she has done though is downright nasty. that would be the end of the friendship for me.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 09/02/2022 13:34

Why the hell do people agonise over simple requests and reminders?

Socially inept at best, passive aggressive at worst.

I would reply ‘LOL! Of course! I am however horrified that this has been going on so long, I have no idea as to how I was so remiss and wish you had told me’.

HaveringWavering · 09/02/2022 13:37

@DrSbaitso

I'm amazed that she was unable to mention it ever in eight years but found your wedding to be the time and place.
This. She is being rude and ridiculous. All she had to do was ask.

Also, how does she explain not giving your husband anything to celebrate his wedding?

IncompleteSenten · 09/02/2022 13:38

I'd be mortified!

Re her doing that it really depends on the kind of relationship you have.

With some friendships it would absolutely be something you'd both laugh about, no malice, just piss taking.

With some it would be a resentment they've been hanging onto and it was designed to make you feel bad.

Birkenshock · 09/02/2022 13:40

OP, your friend is insane

What an utterly weird way of bringing up the money - EIGHT YEARS LATER on your wedding day. She could have asked for it at any other time, totally bonkers of her to make an issue of it on your wedding day.

And your way of "oh you get dinner this time, I'll get it next time", or "you grab dinner, I'll get drinks and the taxi" is a totally normal attitude to money around friends so stop letting people make you think this isn't normal - it is. It's how 99% of normal friendships work.

TigerLilyTail · 09/02/2022 13:40

I can sort of see the money being passed back and forth for Christmases and Birthdays for years to come.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 09/02/2022 13:43

Is it possible OP that your friend also forgot, and suddenly remembered again quite recently? If that was the case then she might have thought that asking for it so close to your extra expensive special day, could cause you some fiinancial difficulties, so she thought it simpler to write the debt off in a way where you didn't have to pay out any extra cash?

Whatever her reasons OP, I think that you are being very unreasonable over this ‐ but apart from that, both you and your friend sound like lovely people.

bluechinavase · 09/02/2022 13:45

Wow! If it bothered her that much she should have mentioned it before. That she’s clearly been bothered by it for so long makes me think she’s slightly unhinged and to bring it up on your wedding day when she had ample opportunity before is just weird, rude and more than a bit off.

If like you say you’re usually good for paying what you owe and you’ve been pals all this time then she MUST know that you’ve genuinely forgotten but rather than just remind you she feels too awkward so leaves it until your wedding day. It’s rubbish and she’s lost the moral high ground coz it looks petty. She’s probably more annoyed with herself for not reminding you before. We all genuinely forget things sometimes. Just because some folk on here don’t it doesn’t mean it never happens. And my pal did actually forget to pay me for tickets once. It was £35, a lot at the time. I did remind him and he genuinely was convinced he had so in the end his friendship was worth more to me than £35 so I just forgot about it. This was before online banking and easy money transfers so it would’ve been a cash transaction.

If you still really value her as a pal then I guess you laugh, apologise for not paying as you genuinely forgot and move on or as mentioned upthread, you write her a cheque as you are mortified you forgot and feel so terrible that you are paying her now and she doesn’t need to buy you a wedding present as you consider that interest for her being out of pocket so long Smile