Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

[Checkered1]

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

It's very strange - she should have just reminded you that you owed her the money. It would piss me off actually

@Checkered1

So she called me. Said that I didn’t need to transfer her the money and it was her wedding gift to me. I told her that I didn’t like there was an unspoken debt and I’d rather just pay it. I then said I’m confused why she didn’t mention it all this time when there were many opportunities for her to bring it up. She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty, but it was always on her mind I hadn’t paid. I listed several opportunities that she had to mention it, such as holidays going back to 2015 and she said it felt awkward bringing it up so she never said anything and hoped I would remember.

I then asked if she’s sure that I didn’t pay her back in kind, as I checked my bank statement and I have a transaction for dinner that night, and we would have also gone out for dinner again a couple of weeks later for Christmas. She said she can’t remember going out for dinner before the concert and all she remembers is me buying her a drink that night. I just said oh ok, as because whilst I do see a transaction for that night and I do recall being with her in that restaurant, I can’t remember if it was that day (the transaction date was that day, but I’m just assuming I paid her back in kind so didn’t push it).

She said she’s disappointed that I felt the need to transfer the money as she hoped it was the end of the matter and I said I’m disappointed she waited 8 years until my wedding to bring up a matter I didn’t know existed. And then conversation moved on to my wedding and it was a change of topic. Awkward conversation but a change of topic nonetheless.

So I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s actually really saddened me and I’m not sure what to think.

I am sorry but I actually think this person may be a frenemy having read this.

It is deeply weird to bring this up on your wedding day, IMO.

I'm not surprised you are saddened, just let the dust settle and see how thinsg develop. What a silly person she is to have done this!

I would be buying her a very large bunch of flowers and profusely apologising for it going out of your mind.

Fuck that, I wouldn't. The friend is being weird to have not mentioned it for so long and then to do this on a special occasion.

She's got her £120 back now anyway.

Did she buy you any birthday gifts in the interveing years? Or was this the only time she would have bought you anything?

I think you’ve handled this well. It was inappropriate of her to sour your wedding gift experience with her reference to your debt. It was right of you to transfer her the money.
From your description of what you’re typically like, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you had paid for the meal that night and called it quits. A few weeks later she’ll have seen the £120 on her bank statement but forgotten the meal.
She doesn’t sound like the loveliest of friends.

Oh fgs

Who on Earth waits 8years!! to ask for their money back?
And then do it in such a PA way?

Should the OP have paid the money back? Of course
But why on Earth did the friend never mention it? Why has she carried in with the friendship with resentment clearly eating at her?
I’m sorry I don’t get it.

What a cruel and spiteful thing to do. She’s trying to take the shine off your wedding day. Put you in your place in front of your new husband. I would be devastated and humiliated. Is she the jealous type? Was your wedding more extravagant than hers? Are you in a better financial position?

I wouldn’t be able to continue the friendship. You will always remember this now when you think about your wedding.

@LillianGish

I'm surprised at most of the responses on here. If anyone is a CF it's you for not repaying your debt - just be grateful you weren't paying interest over 9 years! Her message in your wedding card is really funny - I don't see why you can't ring her up and have a laugh about it. £120 is not an inconsequential sum (even if you thought she could afford it!) - certainly it would seem a generous amount to splash out on a wedding gift. You are all square now - I think she's played a blinder. Also you don't dispute that you owed her the money. I say good for her.

If her goal is to come across as a weird and petty bitch and to lose a friend then yes, she has played a blinder.

I’d be totally creeped out to feel that a friend had been simmering silently over something I’d accidentally done for eight fucking years without saying a word - and the friendship would be over. I’d never feel comfortable around her again.

I feel a lot of people are responding to this whole completely ignoring the context - that these are financially very comfortable people who pay for stuff for each other all the time and something can easily slip between the cracks.

I’m agog that people are in awe of someone stewing silently about an honest mistake for nearly a decade then writing a nasty message in a card on the OP’s WEDDING DAY! And you think that’s playing a blinder?! What nasty, nasty little people there are in the world

Is she having trouble with her own marriage,that she has to take the shine off yours.

I can just imagine reading all the lovely cards and messages from other people.
Having a great day,and then you read her card.
What a slap in the face and a way to take the shine and memories from a lovely day.

@Checkered1 I actually think you’ve handled it perfectly.

She thought she could have a go at you and calm her resentment about the ‘payment’ by landing the issue on your knees just in the day if your wedding.
Instead, you’ve paid her back. And made the clear point that, if this was that hard to let you know until now, surely do) g it in your wedding day should have been even harder? Unless the aim is to be petty and somehow get revenge of course.

I think you’ve ‘lost’ a friend there.
Or rather I’m not sure I could be close to someone I couldn’t trust anymore.

@Lunificent

I think you’ve handled this well. It was inappropriate of her to sour your wedding gift experience with her reference to your debt. It was right of you to transfer her the money. From your description of what you’re typically like, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you had paid for the meal that night and called it quits. A few weeks later she’ll have seen the £120 on her bank statement but forgotten the meal. She doesn’t sound like the loveliest of friends.

I fully agree. We do things the same way in our circle and it all balances out.

It’s sad that your friend has soured the friendship by doing this.

I have changed my mind actually. It was mean to put it in your wedding card so that negates any positiveness of writing it rather than speaking and it becoming a row.

This all seems so complicated. I paid for this, he/she paid for that. I think in future just pay for your own, unless it’s a special occasion like a birthday. This reminds me of a time when I went out, mid 20’s when I didn’t have a lot of money and it was decided at the end before checking first that the bill was going to be split, so instead of just paying my £17, I paid £40. Not everyone can afford to just pay for/towards things and if it’s expected it should be agreed first. She should have reminded you to pay her back but it’s also your responsibility to remember to pay back any money owed.

Oh FFS, that's a ridiculous thing to hold a grudge about and then write in your friend's wedding card eight years later! If she was that bothered - which she clearly was - she could have just, you know, reminded you at some point over the last EIGHT years?!

I think you're the CF here OP as £120 is a lot of money to simply forget.
I think she's handled it in a fairly lighthearted way, you seem to have taken it well, and you don't owe her anymore, so it's resolved.
I'd laugh and move on, I actually think it's good that she didn't just write the money off, too many people end up at a loss because it's too awkward to ask, or people need continual prompting to pay money back.

She sounds really cruel. She’s had ample opportunity to raise this issue when money was owing back and forth for other events yet that was apparently awkward for her. Sticking an note in your wedding card wasn’t awkward then? It’s a very cruel and strange way to approach the situation. She’s not much of a friend.

If it’s unusual behaviour form her I’d be wondering if she’s found herself cash poor recently though? Maybe she didn’t have cash available to provide a wedding gift so added the note about the £120 as a get out of not giving a gift. Lots of people that seem financially comfortable can suddenly find themselves in debt etc with not much cash available after bills debt repayment etc even if they still have their previous live style they can be “keeping up appearances”.

For what it’s worth I feel, given what you’ve written about your approach to money with friends (which I understand and have done similar systems in the past), that it’s orro than likely you did repay her the £120 at the time via other bills like the meals or other tickets etc. You don’t sound like someone who would just forget as money and favours seem to go back and forth in the group regularly. Now you’ve repaid her I’d leave it at that but be wary around her now. You can afford to write off the £120 it seems so you’ve done the right thing transferring even if you probably already settled that debt in kind at the time. The interesting thing now will be to see if having received “debt” back she gives you day £100 as an ACTUAL wedding gift now. Her behaviour is quite bizarre in this really.

Oh FWIW though OP, I don't think you should have transferred her the money again - if her "gift" was writing it off that should have been it, I'm surprised she accepted it and didn't send it back to you.

I actually think its a massive dick move on her part. Knowing you would be sat there the day after your wedding on a massive high opening gifts and to get that which sounds like it overshadowed the moment as you felt mortified. I think it was really underhand and snidey of her. Eight years ago and she never mentioned it once but does that for your wedding is shady to me.

@CurbsideProphet

I don't see how she could have felt awkward to remind you, yet not too awkward to remind you 8 years later via a message in a wedding card. Sounds like she's not a friend after all. I'm really baffled so many posters think not mentioning the concert tickets for 8 whole years until your wedding day is completely normal behaviour from a friend.

Totally agree. Even if the OP was undertaking some long-game scheme to fiddle her friend out of £120 (which I don't think she was, doesn't sound like £120 matters much to the OP) the friend could still have asked for the money back at ANY point in the last 8 years, thus avoiding all this.

Oh FWIW though OP, I don't think you should have transferred her the money again - if her "gift" was writing it off that should have been it, I'm surprised she accepted it and didn't send it back to you.
I'm glad the op sent her the money,at least this way it can't be held over her in future.

At least at your next wedding 😜 she'll have to get you a gift🤣

I think OP did absolutely the right thing sending the money, to underline the point that she would have done exactly that at any point during the previous 8 years if only she had been asked.

How sad, I guess the friendship will probably end over this.

Odd that she felt awkward about bringing it up before but felt your wedding was appropriate.

No, not cheeky fuckery at all, but something that she's clearly stewed on for years & YOU being the CFer yourself haven't even noticed. You might think your friendship is okay after a chat, but as a now known CFer, she won't be trusting you with money again.

Your friend should have either written it off or mentioned it earlier. To say she felt she couldn’t say anything before but was able to put it in your wedding card is bullshit. It would really make me think less of her.

Yes the original error was possibly yours (but then again maybe you did already pay her back with dinner etc) but for her to hold on to it for this long and then bring it up at your wedding is really crass

I think this situation is really weird. She clearly isn’t a new friend, you have known each other a long time and seem quite close. It’s odd she didn’t feel comfortable enough just asking for the money at the time with someone she’s so close to. It’s even weirder she just hasn’t mentioned it for six years even though it’s obviously bothered her greatly.

I’d be pissed off about this personally. You’re human, we all forget things and make mistakes. I think it’s fairly obvious from your posts that this isn’t a common occurrence, you genuinely just forgot. She shouldn’t have let this fester for 6 years and should just have mentioned it early on.

Weddings are such special times for people.

To introduce such a sour note in the run up to a wedding of a good friend is so awful.

So many people applauding spoiling things for a bride?

What sort of friendships do you have?

To want to cause upset and hurt to a bride.
To have held onto this for 8 years, and think a wedding card is the moment to bring it up?

Someone so tacky definitely would have been able to mention it before.

Such a good memory?
But no memory for the meal?

OP, if you were my daughter I would advise you to step away from this woman, who is not your friend.

Definitely another MN quandry on what people believe to be appropriate behaviour.