Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 10/02/2022 07:34

I really can't for the life of me understand how you can forget to pay back £120. Clearly your friend has been quietly annoyed for the past eight years.

I am always Hmm at people who conveniently forget to pay people back. A friend of a friend was like this - they were actually very careful with the pennies as well as the pounds. I always took it that their 'forgetfulness around money' was strategic (to get out of paying money back if they possibly could).

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/02/2022 07:35

you deserve each other,
i am shocked at her attitude but shocked also that you should ring her and ask whether you paid back in kind?
just apologise and move on

MyOtherProfile · 10/02/2022 07:36

OP I totally understand what happened and am sorry you're getting so much stick from people. I've totally forgotten to pay people at times - just because I walk out of the room and it goes out of my head. Hopefully I've always remembered later! I also understand your arrangement with friends and have the same system with mine.

It's a shame you paid her back because clearly she was happy to have written it off as your wedding gift, and to be honest that seemed quite a clever way of doing it although it still would have been better for her to bring it up years ago.
She probably feels bad now that she hasn't given you a present and that you've reminded her you bought dinner that day.

I hope the one thing she takes from this is just to nudge a friend in future!

Suzanne999 · 10/02/2022 07:37

She’s had 8 years to say Hey, can you transfer the ticket money to me, it’s £120 so not a small amount for me to pay out. Leaving it til your wedding is a bit passive aggressive I think. She’s obviously been peeved about it for years so why didn’t she just remind you.

DropYourSword · 10/02/2022 07:40

@litlealligator

It's super rude if she's never actually asked you for the money.
I don't think people should be put in the position where they have to ask! Money should be paid back as soon as possible. Some people are really uncomfortable about asking. I wouldn't have taken this approach, but it kind of makes sense and I do t honk it's bitter or taking "revenge" in any way like some other posters have suggested!
PoppyFleur · 10/02/2022 07:43

Your friend was too embarrassed to bring it up but felt no embarrassment writing it in your wedding card?!?

Awful behaviour from your friend, sounds highly likely that you had repaid the debt in kind through meals and drinks. Not to mention a generous wedding gift of £200.

It was good that you repaid her and raised the matter, your conscience is clear. Her behaviour on the other hand was unpleasant and passive aggressive.

Congratulations on your wedding.

TrufflesAndToast · 10/02/2022 07:44

Some people on here are so completely unable to comprehend that some peoples’ situations are different. £120 for tickets isn’t a huge amount if you’re financially comfortable and it’s completely plausible that someone could genuinely forget it. If that’s a huge amount of money to you of course you wouldn’t forget it, but surely it’s not that hard to imagine that other people are all in different situations?

If this was all some intentional scam by the OP what is she gaining by pretending otherwise to strangers on the internet - she has no need.

It’s actually quite telling how many people absolutely INSIST that this was intentional. Says a lot about how their own minds work. Must be quite unpleasant to go through life convinced that everyone else are nasty snakes and being totally unable to contemplate a genuine mistake.

And as for the raucous applause for the petty and utterly nasty actions of the so called friend, it’s embarrassing. I’m astounded how many people apparently aspire to being equally pathetic and bitchy.

I’m glad my friends are people like the OP and not some of you lot!

burnoutbabe · 10/02/2022 07:53

@MrsLargeEmbodied

you deserve each other, i am shocked at her attitude but shocked also that you should ring her and ask whether you paid back in kind? just apologise and move on
Loads of us pay things back in kind.

One buys tickets for the event, the other pays hotel and dinner. Whatever balances it out. That's pretty normal for friends.

burnoutbabe · 10/02/2022 07:56

Abs I have no idea why it would be embarrassing or awkward to say, when the next event was booked, oh you owe me £200, ah actually it's £100 as you still owe me for the steps tickets, oh yes of course, you are right.

Why would you hand over the full amount the next time and not mention it. Or even say -your turn to pay as I paid for steps last time.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/02/2022 07:57

that is fair enough @burnoutbabe, but it is the questioning of her that grates with me
you are old friends, water under the bridge

BacardiOnATuesday · 10/02/2022 07:58

Take ownership of the situation. You appear to partly blame her for not bringing up the money you owed her. You might think that but never say it.

Repay the £120. Apologise profusely and say you genuinely forgot. Thank her for coming to your wedding and for being a good friend all these years.

That is all you need to do.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/02/2022 08:00

Is she struggling financially, couldn’t afford a gift, felt embarrassed so tried to joke it off?

TulipsTwoLips · 10/02/2022 08:00

How very passive aggressive of your friend. I prefer open honest communication and would be wondering if there was anything else she was festering about! That's so unhealthy for a friendship when she could just have reminded you years ago.

Nosetickle · 10/02/2022 08:04

YABU as you are the CF unless you genuinely forgot to pay her back but I just can’t believe that you could forget going to such an expensive concert that you never paid for.

However, I do think your wedding is not the time or place to bring up an outstanding debt and in my opinion, she should have mentioned it way before at the time of the concert and repeatedly afterwards until you paid her back. Not seethed on it for so long and brought it up on your wedding day.

£120 is a lot of money (in my world anyway) and if one of my friends had given me that amount as a wedding gift I would have felt very uncomfortable. If I were you I would pay her back now, say I completely forgot and apologise profusely and say I cannot accept such a generous wedding gift (unless you’re all loaded and this is the kind of amount you’d spend on her as a wedding gift?) and thank her for coming to your wedding and still being a great friend to you despite you being a CF!

Retisestress · 10/02/2022 08:15

@EarringsandLipstick

I think the friend's behaviour has been truly awful. Unforgivably so.

I don't think it's funny or evidence of having balls.

I think it's beyond imagining that she'd hold onto this grudge for 8 - eight! - years and choose the time of her close friend's wedding to address it so slyly.

Agree…shocking that pp think that this spiteful behaviour is ok …awful example to be setting their kids .
EdgeOfACoin · 10/02/2022 08:16

@MrsLargeEmbodied

that is fair enough *@burnoutbabe*, but it is the questioning of her that grates with me you are old friends, water under the bridge
Well, the friend brought up the debt first.- in the OP's wedding card, no less. In the circumstances, I think it was fair for the OP to question it.

If the friend had brought it up eight years ago, presumably there would have been a stronger recollection of the sequence of events and so it would have been easier to establish whether or not the OP paid for dinner a few times in lieu of transferring the money.

Tbh, it sounds as though the friend has been stewing over this for a while and perhaps discussed it with a couple of other people who suggested the wedding card trick. I could imagine that in their discussions it would have sounded like a funny and perfect way to make the point.

In the end, the friend just looks petty and ridiculous for not raising the issue years ago. It's the kind of thing that would happen in a soap opera.

The friend either needed to:
a) raise it in a mature way with the OP much earlier on, or
b) accept the OP had forgotten and just let it go.

The wedding card may have meant to be jokey, but it clearly just made the OP feel bad. Maybe it would have worked if the friend had reminded the OP previously about the money, and the OP repeatedly forgot, but in this case it just came out of the blue.

WimpoleHat · 10/02/2022 08:17

@Toanewstart23

I would not be surprised if this friend spoke with mutual friends about this.
This occurred to me as well. I think I’d gently sound out mutual friends about it, in a kind of “oh heck, I’m so embarrassed” sort of way. And as a pp said, I wouldn’t let this friend pay for so much as a coffee from now on. I’d be scrupulous about the “no, no, that latte was £3” just to make the point!
ThinWomansBrain · 10/02/2022 08:18

it's an odd thing to do - but if it's been niggling her for years and she hasn't felt comfortable to bring it up - hopefully iit's set scores straight, apologise that you forgot and move on.

One close friend that I see a lot - we frequently end up with you got the tickets, I'll get the meal... your got the meal last time... balancing out expensive restaurants with 'all bar one' type pit stops, birthday treats, complicated by lots of gallery tickets 'free' because of gallery membership, sometimes her partner comes with us but not always.... it is a bit of a minefield.
When we were out this week, we agreed we were more or less even & split the restautrant bill... then she whatsapped me on the way home because she had no idea if she owed me for the theatre tickets or not- they'd sort of balance the concert tickets from the previous week. So I can see how it would happen, but then again I can't believe that if one of us thought we were "owed" for something we'd not mention it.

EdgeOfACoin · 10/02/2022 08:19

@Nosetickle

YABU as you are the CF unless you genuinely forgot to pay her back but I just can’t believe that you could forget going to such an expensive concert that you never paid for.

However, I do think your wedding is not the time or place to bring up an outstanding debt and in my opinion, she should have mentioned it way before at the time of the concert and repeatedly afterwards until you paid her back. Not seethed on it for so long and brought it up on your wedding day.

£120 is a lot of money (in my world anyway) and if one of my friends had given me that amount as a wedding gift I would have felt very uncomfortable. If I were you I would pay her back now, say I completely forgot and apologise profusely and say I cannot accept such a generous wedding gift (unless you’re all loaded and this is the kind of amount you’d spend on her as a wedding gift?) and thank her for coming to your wedding and still being a great friend to you despite you being a CF!

If you'd read the OP's posts you would see that the OP has already repaid the money and also previously spent £200 on a wedding gift for her friend.
Canaloha · 10/02/2022 08:20

If she's remained friends with you for 8 years I'm sure she isn't that seething about it! I find it misjudged to mention it in a wedding card, perhaps she thought it would be funny?

PainterMummy · 10/02/2022 08:26

Really bizarre thing to do. Particularly over the course of 8 years never saying anything to you. Out for dinner, come time to split the bill would be a good time to mention it? Out shopping, passing cash points etc. a number of scenarios where money is being used, payment being made, to bring up the £120. But to stew in it for 8 years and write that in your wedding card is not on.

NinaDefoe · 10/02/2022 08:27

8 years is a long time not to mention this ‘debt’ to you.
She’s gone about it in a very spiteful way. Who claims a debt in lieu of a wedding present? Why wait until then to make a point?

I would transfer the money to her regardless of what she says. Tell her that you had no idea you still owed her money and would prefer it if she had the cash.
I would also make it clear that you do not want or expect a wedding gift.

rookiemere · 10/02/2022 08:28

@ThinWomansBrain yes that's how I do it with my friend. Prior to lockdown we used to go for a walk and a coffee and breakfast roll once a week or so, and took turns to pay it.

Trouble is with both of us being menopausal we'd sometimes forget whose turn it was, but as the overall cost was around £10, then no biggie.

For bigger expenses we'd do bank transfers. I generally book tickets so just whatsapp friend how much she owes me and in it goes.

It does seem in this case - and I would implore everyone to at least read all of the OPs posts if nothing else - that OP may well have repaid concert ticket through paying for meals and drinks around the event.

I think paying her back was absolutely the right thing to do, and for me it would be a bit of a line in the sand for the friendship. If I was to go out with her going forward, it would be awkward as I'd insist on us each paying our share separately so no future situations arose. Dick move to use a wedding gift for payback, not nice at all.

LillianGish · 10/02/2022 08:30

I'm surprised at most of the responses on here. If anyone is a CF it's you for not repaying your debt - just be grateful you weren't paying interest over 9 years! Her message in your wedding card is really funny - I don't see why you can't ring her up and have a laugh about it. £120 is not an inconsequential sum (even if you thought she could afford it!) - certainly it would seem a generous amount to splash out on a wedding gift. You are all square now - I think she's played a blinder. Also you don't dispute that you owed her the money. I say good for her.

Sunnyday321 · 10/02/2022 08:31

Be assured she has in some way held it against you all those years , it has irked her , bubbling under the surface but not quite enough to finish the friendship.
Tbh , I don't blame her £120 for a ticket that many years ago is a fair sum of money .
I would be buying her a very large bunch of flowers and profusely apologising for it going out of your mind.