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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
Alondra · 10/02/2022 05:39

@TerryChoc

Don’t think it’s CF to bring it up but I certainly think she could have mentioned this another time if it was bothering her. Now one of your significant memories of your big day is this “gift”. Not nice at all and would consider her a CF if it was me.
This. You genuinely forgot to pay for the tickets and she had plenty of time to remind you. It's extremely passive agressive on her part to wait until your wedding day 8 years later to make a point.

Frankly, she is an arsehole.

Acorndetector · 10/02/2022 05:42

I have similar ways treating friends instead of paying back directly it works for us. A friend and I just take it in turns to pay. Sometimes we forget whos turn it is so theres a chance one of us has paid twice. We don't keep track of the cost of each dinner ect to see whos paid the most. We can afford not to make an issue of it and I don't mind treating friends. So I can easily see how this payment was not paid back if thats the normal way you do things. A simple mention of it from the friend in the last 8 years and she would have been paid back. It is just crazy she's been stewing on it for years then decides your wedding is the time to raise it. I would be very angered by the timing and the way it was done rather than the money. I think it really would stain the friendship for me.

Riverlee · 10/02/2022 05:58

I think that’s awful. She has held a grudge for eight years about non-payment. Why didn’t she say anything sooner? Wrong time and place to mention it.

Jfb23 · 10/02/2022 06:02

I think its really bizarre that she chose your wedding day to remind you of an 8 year old debt. That every othertime was 'too awkward', but your wedding day apparently fine. Your wedding is supposed to be a special time filled with love, not a reminder of a debt you didn't know you were in. I would keep the friendship at a distance and only see her when you need to at group events.

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 10/02/2022 06:09

I think that it’s highly likely that you paid her back via dinner on the night and probably something else (drinks at the theater, dinner another etc) and she has not remembered that. She doesn’t remember going out for dinner at all but you clearly did.

If she remembers you buying drinks at the theatre well according to her doesn’t that mean that she hasn’t paid you get half of the drinks? Shouldn’t she have knocked that off her thoughtful wedding present??

It is very odd behaviour!

5329871e · 10/02/2022 06:17

She’s being completely unreasonable for not mentioning it for 8 years and then bringing it up at your wedding. Sounds like you’re not fussed about money so I believe that it slipped your mind / you paid her back with meals and forgot. Weird situation to be in.

Diverseopinions · 10/02/2022 06:40

I think she maybe finds the whole wedding thing, and brides being outrageous, annoying, so she, on some level, resents getting you ( or any bride) a big present, in any case. Sort of thing which would occur to me is that she's spending a lot of money on accommodation, or something else, or something else, and is resentful and thinking there is some cheekiness in that.

She must surely have felt when she worded that message that she is being weird and petty. Can you, on any level, think that you forget to pay for tickets because she is well off, and, on some subconscious level, you think/thought she might have liked to treat you?

20viona · 10/02/2022 06:43

That's hilarious

RoseGoldEagle · 10/02/2022 06:56

You sound like a lovely person who made a genuine mistake of forgetting. If she’d reminded you and you’d still not paid, I’d have admired her approach, but as it is she never mentioned it, but chooses your wedding to shame you about this. I think she sounds a bit mean!

PineappleIceCream · 10/02/2022 06:56

It seems quite a mean spirited thing to do. Especially on your wedding day. She mentioned not wanting to look petty but it really does looks quite petty.

I can definitely believe that you forgot about it, I’ve forgotten about things before as well. This is why I usually try and repay stuff immediately, really hate owing people money. It does sound like maybe you repaid her with dinner etc. I guess you’ll never know.

Toocooltoboogie · 10/02/2022 06:58

Wow your friend sounds so petty. Ballsy enough to put it in your wedding card but not to have mentioned it once in 8 years! I wonder what's going in here? I wouldn't be able to see her as a trusted friend after this.

Gilly12345 · 10/02/2022 06:58

Wow I think she is awful for not buying you a wedding present and using the unpaid ticket up now.

Ok you know you are in the wrong for forgetting but to mention this ticket now I think is bad form.

From now on I would “joke” when paying for coffees etc “oh it’s my turn I don’t want you to hold this against me”.

SamMil · 10/02/2022 07:08

What?! This is crazy.

It was 8 years ago, she hasn't mentioned it and then brings it up in your wedding card to make you feel bad?! This is not friend behaviour.

Mistakes happen and people forget things. It is no need to guilt-trip you years later! She obviously just should have asked for the money or, if she was feeling too awkward, take it off money she owed you - it sounds like there were plenty of opportunities to do so before your wedding day...

Walkingalot · 10/02/2022 07:12

She's a shit friend. She had 8 whole years to settle the score but she did a really bitchy mean thing to write that in your wedding card.
If anyone owes me money, I remind them, simple. If it's a take turns situation then I remember (or they do). She says she didn't know how to bring it up but she sure as hell did on your wedding day! How anyone thinks it's appropriate is beyond me. You did the right thing in paying her back now and I'd be avoiding her from now on.

Changeee15467 · 10/02/2022 07:14

OP I don’t think you are a CF - you forgot, it happens. What is totally weird is that she never mentioned it then 8 years on makes it a “thing” for your wedding. Totally bizarre behaviour

canary1 · 10/02/2022 07:16

You could just pay her back now. I’m sure she’ll then give you a weddding gift!

BorderlineHappy · 10/02/2022 07:23

*You could just pay her back now. I’m sure she’ll then give you a weddding gift!
@canary1 @canary1he op paid batshit friend back.
It's in her posts.

I think I would have to keep her at arms length now,what a spiteful,petty nasty thing to do.

And if she ever pays for anything again,get her to sign something to say you paid.

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 10/02/2022 07:25

As you gave her £200 for a wedding present she should really have given you £80 if she's being so picky
Now you've pain the ticket back she owes you £200
I'm similar with my friends but our shared bills are more frugal than yours. Generally it balances out I guess but one friend is prone to accusing others of paying less than her. If I go out with her I always say we will just pay for ourselves. It saves any bother later

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/02/2022 07:26

It’s petty as fuck to do that. If she was that bothered I’m sure there were many times and ways over the last 8 years to request payment; rather than do a PA thing on your wedding day. I’d consider her a not great friend now as she clearly doesn’t think that highly of you.

Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 07:26

I think your friend absolutely nailed it!

And what a wonderfully generous present

£120 from 8 years ago more like £150 now. So very very generous friend

You however… slack at paying back and then whinging at fact she has got money back

I love your friend!

Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 07:27

How do you forget £120?

Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 07:29

Makes me wonder what other things OP has forgotten by way of paying back friends

RG2468 · 10/02/2022 07:30

It’s a tad bit passive aggressive and she’s been stewing on it all that time! Just a funny way to go about doing it really. Plus £120 all those years ago is worth more than £120 today! So you got quite a gift there.

Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 07:32

I would not be surprised if this friend spoke with mutual friends about this.

Diverseopinions · 10/02/2022 07:34

I'd imagine that she might be short of cash. People would probably be more likely to be petty, like this, if they didn't want to find the sum because they need it for something else. That circumstance maybe has a habit of focusing you on past debts - making you overcome the social embarrassment of being mean and awkward.