Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

[Checkered1]

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

@Checkered1

@HelloFrostyMorning You’re acting like I did it on purpose. I did no such thing. I would never not pay someone back. So I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make there. I thought I forgot but now I’m thinking I paid by covering her costs for things.

Well yes, I am acting like you didn't pay her back on purpose, because that's clearly what happened ... You didn't pay her back and you knew you didn't...

And no, paying for dinners is not a poor excuse. It’s exactly how we often repay each other in several of my friendship groups. Friend will buy tickets for something, I pay for a dinner or two. I pay for trains, friend will pay for accommodation, and so on. No one I know splits costs to a penny, it balances out.

Er yeah actually it IS a poor excuse, because clearly not ALL of your friends know about this arrangement, otherwise, why did this particular friend deprive you of your wedding money, because of an ancient debt you owed her?

She is vindictive and I would be binning her, but you don't sound much better. You sound quite clueless tbh. Like you don't think you have done a thing wrong...

I'm with your friend on this one because I had to do the same last year. I organised an expensive birthday gift for my MIL and then bought new equipment to make her a two tier birthday cake, I put lots of effort in. My FIL asked me two days before her birthday to secretly organise flowers for her to be delivered but the cheapest bunch delivered was £50 and he said he wanted to pay £20. I was skint so I took the money out of my Christmas savings for his Christmas present thinking he'd pay me back and I'd have to take the other £30 on the chin. He didnt pay me back so I didn't give him £50 for Christmas (he prefers money so he can choose his own gift), I only gave him £20 (because it was Christmas time, I was skint and he didn't pay me back). I didn't tell him why and he didn't ask.

You've made it weird for 8 years op, you should have remembered. Does your phone not have a notepad or reminder?

[quote Checkered1]@HelloFrostyMorning You’re acting like I did it on purpose. I did no such thing. I would never not pay someone back. So I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make there. I thought I forgot but now I’m thinking I paid by covering her costs for things.

And no, paying for dinners is not a poor excuse. It’s exactly how we often repay each other in several of my friendship groups. Friend will buy tickets for something, I pay for a dinner or two. I pay for trains, friend will pay for accommodation, and so on. No one I know splits costs to a penny, it balances out.[/quote]
No I get it. Me and DH are friends with a couple, recently they bought theatre tickets, then we bought tickets for something else, then they bought dinner, then we bought them shopping when they were isolating etc etc etc... No money changed hands for any of this and we figure it all shakes down the same in the end.

It's quite normal amongst people I know to do this, although it can get confusing if you are trying to make sure everything is exactly equal and is not necessarily the best approach if one party is skint - but it doesn't sound like that's the way your friendships are. So I can well imagine that you covered a few things and may have thought you had therefore covered the £120 but hadn't actually paid her back in the way she expected.

Either way, the wedding card thing was weird and rude and I can't really understand anyone who thinks this is clever or funny or that you deserved it.

@rookiemere

In the Lynne and Paul story, aren't we forever reading about siblings not being treated equally in handouts and wills and all the issues this causes. In this case the DM was being totally equitable as Lynne's DH at the time had already received that money, therefore it's right and proper to take it from her share.

'Right' and 'Proper' ??? Are you kidding? It was a cruel and nasty thing to do. Everyone was mortified for her, and she was so upset. Almost 20 years later, she still dwells on it. How can ANYONE think this is OK?!

hellofrostymorning

Lynne and Paul divorced in 2003, and when Lynne's mother died in 2005, she left £2500 cash to each of her 5 children, but knocked £300 off Lynne's. Lynne was devastated and hurt and embarrassed, as it was such a kick in the teeth, and so embarrassing at the reading of the will. Everyone was shocked at this nasty act, and it was nasty, and vindictive.

@DrSbaitso

That's amazing. Knocking off money people owe you, and not even that individual herself, after you're dead.

Maybe there really are pockets in shrouds...

Exactly. Nasty as fuck.

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Checkered1

@HelloFrostyMorning You’re acting like I did it on purpose. I did no such thing. I would never not pay someone back. So I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make there. I thought I forgot but now I’m thinking I paid by covering her costs for things.

Well yes, I am acting like you didn't pay her back on purpose, because that's clearly what happened ... You didn't pay her back and you knew you didn't...

And no, paying for dinners is not a poor excuse. It’s exactly how we often repay each other in several of my friendship groups. Friend will buy tickets for something, I pay for a dinner or two. I pay for trains, friend will pay for accommodation, and so on. No one I know splits costs to a penny, it balances out.

Er yeah actually it IS a poor excuse, because clearly not ALL of your friends know about this arrangement, otherwise, why did this particular friend deprive you of your wedding money, because of an ancient debt you owed her?

She is vindictive and I would be binning her, but you don't sound much better. You sound quite clueless tbh. Like you don't think you have done a thing wrong...[/quote]
I knew I didn’t? Really? How? I didn’t even realise this was a thing until she wrote it in my card. So please explain how I knew I hadn’t paid her?

And yes, this is friend is part of the arrangement, as we have been doing it with her for years. She’s returned the favour to me this way herself - buys me dinner, pays for my flight, etc etc. Hence why it’s really weird she’s done this.

But you keep making up your own facts.

@RicherThanYew

I'm with your friend on this one because I had to do the same last year. I organised an expensive birthday gift for my MIL and then bought new equipment to make her a two tier birthday cake, I put lots of effort in. My FIL asked me two days before her birthday to secretly organise flowers for her to be delivered but the cheapest bunch delivered was £50 and he said he wanted to pay £20. I was skint so I took the money out of my Christmas savings for his Christmas present thinking he'd pay me back and I'd have to take the other £30 on the chin. He didnt pay me back so I didn't give him £50 for Christmas (he prefers money so he can choose his own gift), I only gave him £20 (because it was Christmas time, I was skint and he didn't pay me back). I didn't tell him why and he didn't ask.

You've made it weird for 8 years op, you should have remembered. Does your phone not have a notepad or reminder?

This exactly. She didn't forget, No-one 'forgets' they owe £120. Was worth more 8 years ago. And the 'but I have bought meals and stuff' excuse is bullshit. This friend obviously was not on board with it.

You can tell who the CFs and chancers are on this thread eh? The ones on the OP's side!

@Checkered1

And yes, this is friend is part of the arrangement, as we have been doing it with her for years. She’s returned the favour to me this way herself - buys me dinner, pays for my flight, etc etc. Hence why it’s really weird she’s done this. But you keep upmaking your own facts.

Not making up any facts. Purely responding to what you have said, and no amount of you drip feeding and adding stuff/changing things to suit your argument is going to make me change my mind. Your 'friend' is vindictive' with what she has done, and you are utterly clueless, if you seriously believe you are not in the wrong in ANY way.

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Checkered1

And yes, this is friend is part of the arrangement, as we have been doing it with her for years. She’s returned the favour to me this way herself - buys me dinner, pays for my flight, etc etc. Hence why it’s really weird she’s done this. But you keep upmaking your own facts.

Not making up any facts. Purely responding to what you have said, and no amount of you drip feeding and adding stuff/changing things to suit your argument is going to make me change my mind. Your 'friend' is vindictive' with what she has done, and you are utterly clueless, if you seriously believe you are not in the wrong in ANY way.[/quote]
What have I changed? You seem to think this friend is not part of the arrangement, when she is. We are within a group of friends and this is what we do. We either make a transfer or we pay for things to balance out, it depends on the circumstances. I completely forgot about it because yes, to me, £120 for tickets is not a huge amount. I clearly didn’t transfer the money but it does look like I paid for dinner that night so maybe that’s why I didn’t transfer anything, I genuinely can’t remember. Whether I paid for enough dinners or not, I don’t know, but it was 8 years ago, and she never once said hey, what about those tickets.

So if I didn’t pay her, it was a genuine overnight on my part. I can easily afford it so there was no attempt on my part to screw her over, that’s not who I am and financially, I really don’t need to. So I’m not sure why you’re trying to suggest it was a deliberate act on my part.

[quote Burritogame]@silverbubbles, why? have not read OP’s posts or do you think OP was trying to trick her friend over £120 and lying on this forum?
Friend could have asked another time but chose to do so on OP’s wedding day.[/quote]
yes i have read her posts. I think she is minimising the issue of not paying her friend back. I think she knew she hadn't and thought she had got away with it. Who forgets something like that ..... forever.... and never ever remembers...... hhhmmm

I think she knew she hadn't and thought she had got away with it. Who forgets something like that ..... forever.... and never ever remembers...... hhhmmm

No, never ever. I would never ever steal. Ever.

Strange behaviour on the part of your friend...really not the time to be bringing up old debts.
However, I could understand it if she's in financial difficulty at present.

Did the friend reply yet OP?

I don't think you forgot OP. I think you did your usual balancing thing like dinners, drinks etc so in your mind you were square hence it wouldn't cross your mind.

She is the one who's forgotten the latter IMO

I'm not sure why you're getting such a bashing here, OP. You didn't pay her back which of course is wrong but you have said, repeatedly, on the thread that you know that you are in the wrong for that and it was a genuine mistake. Some posters don't believe you, what they are basing that on I've no idea as they don't know you. We can only cast judgement based on what you are saying happened, not on what we think happened by gazing into our crystal balls .

Back to your original question of whether your friend is a cheeky fucker. Not a cheeky fucker, but definitely vindictive and certainly no friend. She's had 8 years to address this with you, you've paid for high value stuff in the interim which she's then owed you for which would have provided her with the perfect opportunity to say she will deduct what you owe her from what she owes you, or she could have simply said at some point oi don't forget you me 120 quid for those tickets. Yes the onus was on you to pay her back without prompting but you say it was a genuine mistake so I'll take that at face value, but for her to sit on this for 8 years and then write a message like that in your wedding card is really nasty.

@ivykaty44

You’re the cheeky fucker and she caught you 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

Wow there are some real weirdos on this thread. The OP has repeatedly stated she had no idea she had forgotten to pay her friend. She’s clearly comfortable financially and she immediately sent the money after reading the card. There is zero indication that this was in any way intentional despite some posters’ insistence that it was absolutely and definitely the case.

I can’t work out if people are just bitchy because they’re jealous they don’t have the kind of money where it’s possible to forget £120 or what it is, but posts like this are just embarrassing! Are you 14?!

I was struggling to believe this story could be real as surely no one would be as weird and nasty as the OP’s ‘friend’ but the number of posters on this thread who think what she did was funny and admirable makes me think otherwise. Sad and depressing.

Some of the posters here are acting like bullies. Over and over insisting that OP didn’t pay on purpose when OP has explained multiple times. Do these people know better than OP about a situation concerning her?
Don’t understand why OP would write on a public forum if her intentions were to keep friend’s money? What is the benefit to her from writing on this forum? She can quietly keep the money.

Also shocked to see @HelloFrostyMorning ‘s response - “Well yes, I am acting like you didn't pay her back on purpose, because that's clearly what happened ... confused You didn't pay her back and you knew you didn't...”
And you have some magical power to know that? Reading your posts on other thread, I thought you are sensible but you are behaving exactly like posters you were criticising in the other thread. Just because it’s not your experience, doesn’t mean there is no possibility of other experiencing it.
OP and her friends take turns to pay the bills and this caused her to not remember. She didn’t say she was not wrong but that does not mean it was deliberate.

So she called me. Said that I didn’t need to transfer her the money and it was her wedding gift to me. I told her that I didn’t like there was an unspoken debt and I’d rather just pay it. I then said I’m confused why she didn’t mention it all this time when there were many opportunities for her to bring it up. She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty, but it was always on her mind I hadn’t paid. I listed several opportunities that she had to mention it, such as holidays going back to 2015 and she said it felt awkward bringing it up so she never said anything and hoped I would remember.

I then asked if she’s sure that I didn’t pay her back in kind, as I checked my bank statement and I have a transaction for dinner that night, and we would have also gone out for dinner again a couple of weeks later for Christmas. She said she can’t remember going out for dinner before the concert and all she remembers is me buying her a drink that night. I just said oh ok, as because whilst I do see a transaction for that night and I do recall being with her in that restaurant, I can’t remember if it was that day (the transaction date was that day, but I’m just assuming I paid her back in kind so didn’t push it).

She said she’s disappointed that I felt the need to transfer the money as she hoped it was the end of the matter and I said I’m disappointed she waited 8 years until my wedding to bring up a matter I didn’t know existed. And then conversation moved on to my wedding and it was a change of topic. Awkward conversation but a change of topic nonetheless.

So I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s actually really saddened me and I’m not sure what to think.

Does NOBODY care about the husband?!!

It’s clear that to those for whom £120 is a big amount it is impossible to understand that someone might genuinely not remember whether or not they had repaid it/paid it back with other purchases/forget about paying it.

It’s all relative. I’m guessing that threshold would probably be more around 300 or so for OP.

But anyway, it is the friend who is 100% in the wrong here for not reminding OP and then putting this in her wedding card. It’s staggeringly unkind.

She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty, but it was always on her mind I hadn’t paid. I listed several opportunities that she had to mention it, such as holidays going back to 2015 and she said it felt awkward bringing it up so she never said anything and hoped I would remember.

But not at all petty and awkward to bring it up IN YOUR WEDDING CARD, eh?

And did you ask her why she didn’t get your husband a present?

Thank you to those who have defended me against the accusations that I deliberately didn’t pay and have been caught out. It makes no sense to me that I would do that and why posters who know nothing about me are insistent that it was a scam on my part. I genuinely don’t know what happened, but I really do not need to scam someone out of £120.

It’s as though they’re that way inclined themselves so assume everyone else. But no, I do not need to take money from anyone and I don’t know if it was an oversight or my friend is mistaken, but I do not take advantage of people.

She is obviously a very passive aggressive insecure person. If you had forgotten or maybe you had paid her back and she hadn’t noticed…why go for 8 years without mentioning it ! Your friend is someone that you can do without!

@HaveringWavering

Does NOBODY care about the husband?!!

It’s clear that to those for whom £120 is a big amount it is impossible to understand that someone might genuinely not remember whether or not they had repaid it/paid it back with other purchases/forget about paying it.

It’s all relative. I’m guessing that threshold would probably be more around 300 or so for OP.

But anyway, it is the friend who is 100% in the wrong here for not reminding OP and then putting this in her wedding card. It’s staggeringly unkind.

That’s it. I don’t want to seem insensitive to others here which is why I tried to avoid making the point, but £120 isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things for me. I’ve spent almost that much today already on lunch and then getting my nails done. About to head to the local store to pick up some things and once I’m done, I will have spent that much today.

And my friend is similarly privileged. As far as I’m aware, she isn’t having financial difficulties but for all I know she could be, which brought on this behaviour.

And did you ask her why she didn’t get your husband a present

No, I didn’t. We didn’t get wedding gifts from some people so I just put her and her husband in that category and didn’t question it.

@Checkered1

So she called me. Said that I didn’t need to transfer her the money and it was her wedding gift to me. I told her that I didn’t like there was an unspoken debt and I’d rather just pay it. I then said I’m confused why she didn’t mention it all this time when there were many opportunities for her to bring it up. She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty, but it was always on her mind I hadn’t paid. I listed several opportunities that she had to mention it, such as holidays going back to 2015 and she said it felt awkward bringing it up so she never said anything and hoped I would remember.

I then asked if she’s sure that I didn’t pay her back in kind, as I checked my bank statement and I have a transaction for dinner that night, and we would have also gone out for dinner again a couple of weeks later for Christmas. She said she can’t remember going out for dinner before the concert and all she remembers is me buying her a drink that night. I just said oh ok, as because whilst I do see a transaction for that night and I do recall being with her in that restaurant, I can’t remember if it was that day (the transaction date was that day, but I’m just assuming I paid her back in kind so didn’t push it).

She said she’s disappointed that I felt the need to transfer the money as she hoped it was the end of the matter and I said I’m disappointed she waited 8 years until my wedding to bring up a matter I didn’t know existed. And then conversation moved on to my wedding and it was a change of topic. Awkward conversation but a change of topic nonetheless.

So I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s actually really saddened me and I’m not sure what to think.

So doesn’t she have any acknowledgement, that her way of reminding you was on your wedding day and was really fucking spiteful?!! She says she felt awkward about it over the years…well very awkward to get over herself and use your wedding as a reason to feel less awkward!! Definitely get rid of her …she is not worth your mental space !