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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that you don't post this on even a private group in Facebook?

159 replies

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 07:37

DP is a member of a Facebook group for people trying to find biological family via DNA (usually birth parents and usually via hobby DNA sites such as Ancestry or 23andMe).

One woman has had a terrible time. She traced her dad a couple of years. They arranged to meet but he never turned up and his wife messaged her to drop it. She only lives six blocks away. This is horribly unfair and unkind, but unfortunately very common.

Yesterday she said that she'd finally been able to meet him. He was in hospital, unconscious and dying from Covid. She has posted a selfie with his head in the background and all sorts of tubes and things on his face. In the photo he is either dying or dead.

AIBU that as tragic as this is for her, she is horribly misguided in posting such a photo on social media?
It is a private group but has about 180 000 members.

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 09/02/2022 07:42

She wanted to share.

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 09/02/2022 07:44

@UserBot9to5

She wanted to share.
And what about what the dying man wants?
lunar1 · 09/02/2022 07:48

I'm shocked she was allowed to take the pictures

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 07:48

She wanted to share. Yes, I understand this. It wouldn't be my choice to share so much on social media about a private matter, but I understand her reasons. The problem is that it wasn't his choice to share, or that of the family who also love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 07:49

I'm shocked she was allowed to take the pictures

That might explain the slightly blurred nature of the selfie actually.

OP posts:
NumericalBlock · 09/02/2022 07:52

Bloody hell, it's one thing to see him and post about that experience, a whole other to get a selfie with somebody unable to consent and post it for 100k members to see!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 09/02/2022 07:53

When people are grieving they do very often do things completely out of character. This is probably one of those times.

(Not sure how she could have got into a covid ward...)

PicaK · 09/02/2022 07:55

Well it's bad but then comments like this are equally bad too. Both showing a lack of thought for others....
This is horribly unfair and unkind, but unfortunately very common.

IDontHaveThePelvisForAFuton · 09/02/2022 07:55

Poor lady. I don't think the photos should be shared but it's the only thing she has of him and she obviously feels this group is a supportive place. Could you gently suggest that she might like to keep the photos private?

anon12345678901 · 09/02/2022 07:57

That's completely inappropriate. She could have shred a post saying she found him but he's not well. He had no choice in the matter and his rights to privacy as the patient come before hers.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:04

Could you gently suggest that she might like to keep the photos private?

Someone did and got lambasted. It's not there now anyway.

(Not sure how she could have got into a covid ward...) He was dying/dead of covid-related complications apparently.

OP posts:
Wellshellsbells · 09/02/2022 08:08

He’s ignored her for years.she deserves that picture and good for her! It’s the least she deserves from him.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:09

The person who gently suggested she remove the photo from her post got roundly told off. That it's her choice and that challenging this is against the Safe Space nature of the group.

Two admins posted at about the same time, defending the OP's right to post the photo. One said that the group allows Reunion photos and the other said they allow photos of dead people.

I really feel for his other family. Can you imagine finding out that you have a half sibling or half auntie and that she's posted such a private image on social media?
Not only that, but over 300 posters have replied in sympathy for her loss and writing mawkish things such as she was His Angel?

OP posts:
IDontHaveThePelvisForAFuton · 09/02/2022 08:10

@Wellshellsbells

He’s ignored her for years.she deserves that picture and good for her! It’s the least she deserves from him.
A picture for herself. Not 180,000 strangers.
Cocomarine · 09/02/2022 08:12

He owed her.
If that’s how she wants to take what she’s owed - her choice.

cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 08:12

Yeah, that's not OK.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:14

He’s ignored her for years.she deserves that picture and good for her!

I completely get wanting a photo. She deserves so much more. I don't think a photo of him at his most vulnerable, let alone a selfie with her face in the foreground, is anything she deserves.

OP posts:
AndAnotherNewOne · 09/02/2022 08:15

Not OK.

His poor family.

MargaretFromAccts · 09/02/2022 08:15

Why is such a big deal to people to know their sperm donors / carriers. (More accurate in this case as they were probably never parents)

You know this person wants nothing to do with you so why push it ?

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:16

@Cocomarine what about his choice or that of his grieving family? Would you really feel ok if someone you'd never heard of did this to your just dead relative?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 09/02/2022 08:16

“I really feel for his other family. Can you imagine finding out that you have a half sibling or half auntie and that she's posted such a private image on social media?”

My sympathies lie more with the person who was rejected my their parents over the people gaining a sibling. I do have sympathy with both - but far more the former.

If posting that photo helps her in her own mind with the connection to him and grieving now - so be it.

The mawkish types posting about Angels are just wanders - but that’s not her fault.

Maybe she needs to read that she was really His Angel and lie to herself that he might have given a shit, though?

Jobseeker19 · 09/02/2022 08:19

She wanted people to see her dad. The same way people post pics of their family or dogs.
This may be the only photo of them together.
I disagree with you. It highlights what happens if you leave things too long.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:19

Why is such a big deal to people to know their sperm donors / carriers. (More accurate in this case as they were probably never parents)

At risk of derailing the discussion, such communities generally have rules about not using those terms as slurs as it's offensive/confusing with people in the community who were donor-conceived.

Also, some biological dads were lied to too.

OP posts:
JuicySatsuma85 · 09/02/2022 08:20

“He owed her”.

Sure he owed her an explanation. Not a photo of his dead body immortalised on social media.

Some of you sound psychotic.

Pawsin · 09/02/2022 08:20

I saw this post yesterday on my FB and thought exactly the same thing! Wasn't a nice photo to be honest.

I get her wanting some closure but sharing photos, especially knowing it'd be against his consent if he could verbalise that, is wrong in my opinion. Keep the photo for yourself