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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that you don't post this on even a private group in Facebook?

159 replies

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 07:37

DP is a member of a Facebook group for people trying to find biological family via DNA (usually birth parents and usually via hobby DNA sites such as Ancestry or 23andMe).

One woman has had a terrible time. She traced her dad a couple of years. They arranged to meet but he never turned up and his wife messaged her to drop it. She only lives six blocks away. This is horribly unfair and unkind, but unfortunately very common.

Yesterday she said that she'd finally been able to meet him. He was in hospital, unconscious and dying from Covid. She has posted a selfie with his head in the background and all sorts of tubes and things on his face. In the photo he is either dying or dead.

AIBU that as tragic as this is for her, she is horribly misguided in posting such a photo on social media?
It is a private group but has about 180 000 members.

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 09/02/2022 09:18

Not right at all. Most decent genealogy groups (I belong to several) won't allow any posts "in search of...." where the person might be living.

AutomaticMoon · 09/02/2022 09:21

@Onlyforcake

There's a difference between a photo of someone who has died and a picture of a dead or dying person though, surely the admins need to make that distinction going forward. Where do they draw the line? Selfies in mortuaries? Still ok? Postmortem? There's got to be a limit where noone is clicking on an image to say they accept it could be distressing

When photography was still young, photos with dead people were very common. Memento Mori, they were called.

GizmosEveningBath · 09/02/2022 09:21

Before she approached his family, he may not have known that she exists. If a stranger turned up claiming to be DHs on the basis of her own family history research I would be more than a little creeped out.

Even if he was a deadbeat dad, he is still entitled to privacy during medical procedures. A picture with him for her own viewing is understandable, sharing with a group of that size is absolutely not OK and very unfair on the family and friends that actually knew him.

AlternativePerspective · 09/02/2022 09:23

I hate this notion that people should be allowed to behave however they want without challenge because “grieving.”

No, grief does not give you cart Blanche to act however you want to whoever you want with no consideration for anyone else.

Nobody knows anything about this woman or her biological father other than the narrative she has chosen to put out there.

If she and he were that estranged, then I’d be incredibly surprised if she was able to actually be with him on the COVID ward while he died/was dying, given his family already wanted nothing to do with her.

For all we know this could have been a photoshopped picture showing her with a picture of him she may have had from his family.

If she really was there and really wanted a picture then fine. But not fine to post it on the internet.

If I were an admin I would have removed the post and banned her from the group.

user1478939671 · 09/02/2022 09:23

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

Point taken *@CrinklyCraggy*. I think it's because it's a situation very close to my heart so I have had an emotional response to it. I wanted to hear others' opinions as to whether IABU.

But (unless I've missed something) you didn't give the name of the Group. They'd have to do quite a bit of hunting to find it. Not impossible but you had to describe the thing to put it in context.

EerieSilence · 09/02/2022 09:24

He owed her. If that’s how she wants to take what she’s owed - her choice.

@Cocomarine - he is dead. His family are alive and they have nothing to do with it but they may potentially come across the picture (FB is never ever private).

Original poster

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 09:26

That’s awful. Yes she deserves a photo… but sharing it online is so unfair on his loved ones who aren’t to blame for her feelings of abandonment, however valid they might be. Absolutely.

But (unless I've missed something) you didn't give the name of the Group. They'd have to do quite a bit of hunting to find it. Not impossible but you had to describe the thing to put it in context.

Yep, and there's a couple of aspects that cover everyone's tracks too, hopefully.

OP posts:

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 09/02/2022 09:30

All my dympathy is for the woman who was rejected twice.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 09/02/2022 09:30

Sympathy!

AlternativePerspective · 09/02/2022 09:31

Amazing isn’t it that people have already jumped to the conclusion he was a deadbeat, that he owed her, that she was deserving, when they know absolutely nothing about this woman other than the fact she has no consideration for consent and/or other people’s privacy.

Judging from what I’ve read about her from this thread, I’d be thinking the opposite and thinking there was probably a good reason why his family wanted nothing to do with her.

AllOfUsAreDead · 09/02/2022 09:32

I feel bad for her that she knew who part of her real family was but they wanted nothing to do with her. It's like being rejected twice.

However there is something so wrong and a tad sick about taking a photo of an unconscious person or possibly even dead person. He was dying or dead, and people think its OK to take a photo of him and put it on fb? He had no idea the photo was being taken either.

Original poster

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 09:36

@AllOfUsAreDead That sums it up for me too.

OP posts:

Daenerys77 · 09/02/2022 09:40

Posting the photo on facebook was in bad taste and the woman who posted it sounds sad and deluded. Why would any self-respecting person continue to pursue a relationship with someone who had made it clear he was not interested?

Original poster

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 09:43

Why would any self-respecting person continue to pursue a relationship with someone who had made it clear he was not interested?

I understand this part completely. It's because it's her dad.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 09/02/2022 09:48

i think its up to her. I think what was done to her was terrible, therefore I wouldnt really care that his privacy at this time was compromised. If the family are upset by it then theyll get over it quicker than her who has been needing her questions answered for years and noone cared much then

EmmaH2022 · 09/02/2022 09:58

@MargaretFromAccts

Why is such a big deal to people to know their sperm donors / carriers. (More accurate in this case as they were probably never parents)

You know this person wants nothing to do with you so why push it ?

This We already know she's got boundary issues from her pushing it this far It shouldn't be too surprising she took the photo. Glad it's been taken down.

SockFluffInTheBath · 09/02/2022 10:01

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I totally get it.

She spent her life looking for him, found him then got rejected.

This is the only opportunity she had for a photo with him, the first and last time she ever met him.

She wants some validation of her relationship, and some support from people who would understand and know her journey to get that photo.

Maybe it's not what someone in the outside looking in, with a clear view of the situation would do, but its what she needed in that moment.

No judgement towards her from me at all. We aren't all rational with grief, let alone a grief with so many complicated layers.

My first reaction to the OP was that this was poor taste driven by the Instagram culture we live in, but your post made me think again, thank you.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 09/02/2022 10:01

Fb groups like that normally adhere to guidelines about what can and cannot be shared, and have a group of admins who ensure posts comply with the rules.

Can your husband not report the post to either the admins or the fb itself and get it removed?

But yes, totally inappropriate obvs.

BoodleBug51 · 09/02/2022 10:06

That's awful to have posted a photograph of anyone in their last moments.

A family friend was once in hospital following a life changing medical event. Another friend took to posting the entire story on the local FB page, with over 18k members......

I reported it straightaway, and commented on the post saying "did X or someone from X's family give you permission to report this publicly", knowing full well that X was in intensive care. Luckily the post got taken down very quickly as someone from X's family had also reported it...... fancy having to deal with shit like that when a family member is hovering between life and death.

Some people really shouldn't be allowed near social media.

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 09/02/2022 10:07

How on earth did she gain access to his hospital room?

Original poster

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 10:08

It shouldn't be too surprising she took the photo. Glad it's been taken down. It hasn't been taken down. 1800 people have reacted to it. 300 people have commented in support.

Can your husband not report the post to either the admins or the fb itself and get it removed? The admins have commented that they fully support the post. They allow photos of reunions and they allow photos of dead people (i.e. you are not allowed to 'out' living people).

OP posts:

AutomaticMoon · 09/02/2022 10:12

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

It shouldn't be too surprising she took the photo. Glad it's been taken down. It hasn't been taken down. 1800 people have reacted to it. 300 people have commented in support.

That’s so sad. I feel like she is a desperate woman and wanted to show her support group her father but she wasn’t allowed to post a picture of him alive? Or did I misunderstand?

WeAreTheHeroes · 09/02/2022 10:14

This is an extreme example of the things some people choose to post on SM that I find inappropriate. The people who do this kind of thing I think are often deeply insecure and/or need the likes to boost their self-esteem or their monetised posting. How many times do you see someone posting Happy Birthday to their husband or wife on Facebook? Weird: just tell them, surely that's more meaningful?

Not surprised the guy's wife told this woman to drop it. It feels as though posting her photo with him is putting two fingers up at his widow.

passords · 09/02/2022 10:14

@NatashaBedwouldbenice The photo is down yet you start this thread? It happened and it is now past why on earth are you advertising it to the world, musing over it, asking for judgements?

This thread is trending! Imagine if the people concerned see it?!

Do the decent thing and ask for this thread to come down, op.

Original poster

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 10:16

How on earth did she gain access to his hospital room? Quite!

That’s so sad. I feel like she is a desperate woman and wanted to show her support group her father but she wasn’t allowed to post a picture of him alive? Or did I misunderstand?

No, given the mask and tubes he's likely alive in the photo (at least, I hope so). She is allowed to post the photo because he is now dead. Normally, that rule applies to old photos, like, "Here's a photo of the man I think was my dad when he was my age. Do you think we look alike?".

OP posts:

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