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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that you don't post this on even a private group in Facebook?

159 replies

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 07:37

DP is a member of a Facebook group for people trying to find biological family via DNA (usually birth parents and usually via hobby DNA sites such as Ancestry or 23andMe).

One woman has had a terrible time. She traced her dad a couple of years. They arranged to meet but he never turned up and his wife messaged her to drop it. She only lives six blocks away. This is horribly unfair and unkind, but unfortunately very common.

Yesterday she said that she'd finally been able to meet him. He was in hospital, unconscious and dying from Covid. She has posted a selfie with his head in the background and all sorts of tubes and things on his face. In the photo he is either dying or dead.

AIBU that as tragic as this is for her, she is horribly misguided in posting such a photo on social media?
It is a private group but has about 180 000 members.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 09/02/2022 08:21

[quote NatashaBedwouldbenice]@Cocomarine what about his choice or that of his grieving family? Would you really feel ok if someone you'd never heard of did this to your just dead relative?[/quote]
Perhaps the living relatives should feel sad for her that the only photo of her father that she has, is this one?

It’s not her fault she can’t post the kind of happy memorial photos that my friends post when their parents die.

Not her fault she doesn’t have the happy memory and history, is it?

It’s her just dead relative too.

Would I like it? I don’t know - depends on the photo. Looking old and vulnerable - OK. Lacking dignity - no.

Whatever I was feeling though, I’d be ashamed on my dead relative’s behalf that his child only had this one photo together. He created that situation.

3WildOnes · 09/02/2022 08:21

Agree with @Cocomarine and @Wellshellsbells.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:21

Thank you @Cocomarine that's the opposite view to my own, well-stated.

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 09/02/2022 08:23

I really dislike the prevailing sentiment that grief gives a free pass to behave in selfish and damaging ways. When I lost my partner, I was almost encouraged to go a bit crazy, lash out, behave out of character. But even in the depths of my grief, I never allowed myself to forget that I was still a member of society with certain responsibilities and expectations.

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 08:24

Is it not worse to describe the exact situation on a much bigger site with a history of having things picked up by the press?. She has reasons for not thinking entirely straight about the situation. What's your excuse?

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:27

Point taken @CrinklyCraggy. I think it's because it's a situation very close to my heart so I have had an emotional response to it. I wanted to hear others' opinions as to whether IABU.

OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 09/02/2022 08:28

@JuicySatsuma85

“He owed her”.

Sure he owed her an explanation. Not a photo of his dead body immortalised on social media.

Some of you sound psychotic.

This.
Spudina · 09/02/2022 08:28

We have posters all over our hospital asking people not to film or photograph patients. That’s really not ok. His being a crap father doesn’t undermine his right to confidentiality. Especially as he isn’t in a position to state his wishes. The group moderators have got this wrong and should be advocating for his right to privacy in this case.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:33

We have posters all over our hospital asking people not to film or photograph patients.

That is shocking. I seriously can't believe that people need telling :(

OP posts:
Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:35

@EishetChayil Thank you for your perspective Flowers I hope you are faring well.

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/02/2022 08:39

I really feel for his other family. Can you imagine finding out that you have a half sibling or half auntie and that she's posted such a private image on social media?

That. None of this is their fault, yet suddenly, not only do they have to deal with their own grief, but they also have to cope with this person appearing in their lives, and posting such a distressing picture.

AutomaticMoon · 09/02/2022 08:41

@Cocomarine

“I really feel for his other family. Can you imagine finding out that you have a half sibling or half auntie and that she's posted such a private image on social media?”

My sympathies lie more with the person who was rejected my their parents over the people gaining a sibling. I do have sympathy with both - but far more the former.

If posting that photo helps her in her own mind with the connection to him and grieving now - so be it.

The mawkish types posting about Angels are just wanders - but that’s not her fault.

Maybe she needs to read that she was really His Angel and lie to herself that he might have given a shit, though?

This 😞 but apparently we’re psychotic for thinking like this Hmm
AutomaticMoon · 09/02/2022 08:42

@saraclara

I really feel for his other family. Can you imagine finding out that you have a half sibling or half auntie and that she's posted such a private image on social media?

That. None of this is their fault, yet suddenly, not only do they have to deal with their own grief, but they also have to cope with this person appearing in their lives, and posting such a distressing picture.

Why would his family see it, they’re not in the FB group
AdmiralCain · 09/02/2022 08:42

That's the only photo she'll ever have with her and her Dad. She deserves one.

Ceramide · 09/02/2022 08:43

Not OK to post the photo, or even to have taken it without permission.

AutomaticMoon · 09/02/2022 08:44

@EishetChayil

I really dislike the prevailing sentiment that grief gives a free pass to behave in selfish and damaging ways. When I lost my partner, I was almost encouraged to go a bit crazy, lash out, behave out of character. But even in the depths of my grief, I never allowed myself to forget that I was still a member of society with certain responsibilities and expectations.
Hmm That’s not how grief works for everyone. Not everyone is you.
Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:45

(@Pawsin, did you see the reply from the Jehovah's Witness?).

OP posts:
AutomaticMoon · 09/02/2022 08:45

@CrinklyCraggy

Is it not worse to describe the exact situation on a much bigger site with a history of having things picked up by the press?. She has reasons for not thinking entirely straight about the situation. What's your excuse?
This.
Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:47

That's the only photo she'll ever have with her and her Dad. She deserves one.

Again, she deserves a photo. She deserves so much more. She does not have a right to this photo, let alone a right to post it on social media.

OP posts:
Noisyneighneigh · 09/02/2022 08:48

It's not OK. I feel the same about kids who post pics of their kids in hospital. Wtf is wrong with them?

Berengaria1 · 09/02/2022 08:49

I think it's disgraceful. I can't believe anyone is saying it's ok. He has a right to privacy.

Original poster
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 09/02/2022 08:50

hmm That’s not how grief works for everyone. Not everyone is you.

That's an unkind reply to a very dignified post. What do you mean that's not how grief works? You mean that some widows have a grief that gives them carte blanche to behave however they choose?

OP posts:
Givemehopeee · 09/02/2022 08:54

You’re focussing too much on the man in the photo rather than the event. This was the first and last time she met him. She will never get that opportunity again. This is the only thing she has from him - a photo with him whilst he’s on his death bed.

You don’t know what internal battles she has gone through, and to judge her for sharing the only photo they have together is the greater sin IMO. So so judgmental when for her, it’s probably a case of I finally met him, here it is. The fact that he’s on his death bed is circumstantial.

Also, I highly doubt he was dead. Dead people are not left alone with tubes still in them. They are (or should be) treated with more dignity than that.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/02/2022 08:56

It is a private group but has about 180 000 members

In practice there is no such thing as a private group with 180,000 members, you have to assume anything there might be shared.

Does it not have moderation either? Usually these kind of groups moderate consent on third party pictures.

Violet869 · 09/02/2022 08:56

Everyone deals with things in different ways. If it makes them feel better about their situation, then it’s a positive thing.