AIBU that you don't post this on even a private group in Facebook?

[NatashaBedwouldbenice]

DP is a member of a Facebook group for people trying to find biological family via DNA (usually birth parents and usually via hobby DNA sites such as Ancestry or 23andMe).

One woman has had a terrible time. She traced her dad a couple of years. They arranged to meet but he never turned up and his wife messaged her to drop it. She only lives six blocks away. This is horribly unfair and unkind, but unfortunately very common.

Yesterday she said that she'd finally been able to meet him. He was in hospital, unconscious and dying from Covid. She has posted a selfie with his head in the background and all sorts of tubes and things on his face. In the photo he is either dying or dead.

AIBU that as tragic as this is for her, she is horribly misguided in posting such a photo on social media?
It is a private group but has about 180 000 members.

It’s not at all appropriate but I’ve never been abandoned by my father so it’s difficult to judge her.

@NatashaBedwouldbenice what was the JW reply ?

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

The person who gently suggested she remove the photo from her post got roundly told off. That it's her choice and that challenging this is against the Safe Space nature of the group.

Two admins posted at about the same time, defending the OP's right to post the photo. One said that the group allows Reunion photos and the other said they allow photos of dead people.

I really feel for his other family. Can you imagine finding out that you have a half sibling or half auntie and that she's posted such a private image on social media?
Not only that, but over 300 posters have replied in sympathy for her loss and writing mawkish things such as she was His Angel?

And now you’re writing about it on a separate site with - presumably - no permission from the woman in question 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t think you’re much better to be honest. I’d have just hidden her post and moved on.

@JuicySatsuma85

“He owed her”.

Sure he owed her an explanation. Not a photo of his dead body immortalised on social media.

Some of you sound psychotic.

^^ this

Where’s the consent in all this?

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

hmm That’s not how grief works for everyone. Not everyone is you.

That's an unkind reply to a very dignified post. What do you mean that's not how grief works? You mean that some widows have a grief that gives them carte blanche to behave however they choose?

No, I meant that grief can turn into mental illness and is not under the control of the grieving person. PP said she was encouraged to ‘go crazy’, that’s unkind, not what I said. My mother’s grief turned into paranoid schizophrenia and it wasn’t because she had ‘carte blanche’ to ‘act crazy’

@Violet869

Everyone deals with things in different ways. If it makes them feel better about their situation, then it’s a positive thing.

No it isn’t. It’s not acceptable to post photos of a dying person without their consent and upset their close family just to make them feel better. Nothing positive about that.

A picture for herself. Not 180,000 strangers.

Exactly. I get she wanted it for herself - so why not keep it to herself? The charitable explanation is that, given she’s upset, she’s convinced herself this is okay as it’s a ‘private’ space (with a population bigger than some cities). But it smacks of making a point, as do some of the responses on this thread.

Ah, understood @AutomaticMoon and my apologies, I missed the part about a mental crisis. I need to slow down and read posts more carefully, please accept my apology.

@Noisyneighneigh

It's not OK. I feel the same about kids who post pics of their kids in hospital. Wtf is wrong with them?

Some sick children spend most of their short lives in hospital and they don’t have any other occasions to take photos.

Does it not have moderation either? Usually these kind of groups moderate consent on third party pictures.

Very active moderation. The admins "cross-posted" but explained that they allow photos of dead people and they allow photos of living people if it's a reunion photo.

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

Ah, understood *@AutomaticMoon* and my apologies, I missed the part about a mental crisis. I need to slow down and read posts more carefully, please accept my apology.

No worries and thank you most kindly.

Forget the tuna! I want to hear more about buying a whole cow from the butcher's!

Sorry, wrong thread!

@BluTangClan

Forget the tuna! I want to hear more about buying a whole cow from the butcher's!

😂 this is a great ‘wrong thread’ moment @BluTangClan

@Cocomarine

He owed her. If that’s how she wants to take what she’s owed - her choice.

This

Who gives a fuck what he wanted

DeadBeat dad is dead anyway

I don’t do this because of judgey fucks like you

On the ward I see a lot who do and who really benefit from the support they get from it which I have always denied myself

Thanks

Lost them quite there. That was to automatic moon

@PicaK

Well it's bad but then comments like this are equally bad too. Both showing a lack of thought for others.... This is horribly unfair and unkind, but unfortunately very common.

This.

Are you wanting people to slag off this lady? Or what's the point of posting this on a public forum?

It's weird yes and I would never do this but it seems a very common thing to do! I see similar all the time! Sign of the times I think, when many think everything is suitable for social media.

I totally get it.

She spent her life looking for him, found him then got rejected.

This is the only opportunity she had for a photo with him, the first and last time she ever met him.

She wants some validation of her relationship, and some support from people who would understand and know her journey to get that photo.

Maybe it's not what someone in the outside looking in, with a clear view of the situation would do, but its what she needed in that moment.

No judgement towards her from me at all. We aren't all rational with grief, let alone a grief with so many complicated layers.

That’s awful. Yes she deserves a photo… but sharing it online is so unfair on his loved ones who aren’t to blame for her feelings of abandonment, however valid they might be.

@SomePosters

I don’t do this because of judgey fucks like you

On the ward I see a lot who do and who really benefit from the support they get from it which I have always denied myself

Thanks

I’m confused, I didn’t judge this lady. I’m in the minority who feel more for her than her father.

Perhaps the living relatives should feel sad for her that the only photo of her father that she has, is this one?

If I was a relative I wouldn't want anything to do with her after that.

There's a difference between a photo of someone who has died and a picture of a dead or dying person though, surely the admins need to make that distinction going forward. Where do they draw the line? Selfies in mortuaries? Still ok? Postmortem? There's got to be a limit where noone is clicking on an image to say they accept it could be distressing

Thank you @ABCeasyasdohrayme, that's really well-explained also. I do understand why she did what she did, but I don't think it should be permitted on the group and I think anyone would regret doing this later on.

I don’t do this because of judgey fucks like you I don't quite follow.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I totally get it.

She spent her life looking for him, found him then got rejected.

This is the only opportunity she had for a photo with him, the first and last time she ever met him.

She wants some validation of her relationship, and some support from people who would understand and know her journey to get that photo.

Maybe it's not what someone in the outside looking in, with a clear view of the situation would do, but its what she needed in that moment.

No judgement towards her from me at all. We aren't all rational with grief, let alone a grief with so many complicated layers.

Very nicely put. I’m surprised about all the judgement on here but I guess I shouldn’t be. It’s a bit demoralising to see how cold people are re:grief.