Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

@Amibeinghighmaintenance, OP you're just as entitled to have preferences (boundaries) as she is. So if she doesn't want to meet at weekends (for whatever reason) and you don't want to meet during the week (because you're working), then that's your answer really, isn't it?

If you wanted to make one last effort you could say something like "I'm sorry but I'm just too tired to meet up after a long day at work. I can always meet up at weekend though so let you know when you're free and we can sort something out" and leave it at that. See what she comes back with.

Why have you moved within two minutes of her? We had someone do this to us and it felt really claustrophobic as they kept popping round, so we put in some boundaries and they moved house.

I think to be a good friend is to accept the ebbs and flows, show unconditional love and support and to not try and change people.

There have been times I haven't understood a friends boundary and it seems silly to me, or maybe even hurts a bit and then I remind myself it isnt personal. I have no idea what it feels like to be her and I just have to be ok with it, because that's what friends do, they accept eachother and work around it, even if that means the friendhip fading a little. I'm not saying you should bend for her, unless you think she needs you to do so for a short while to keep up the friendship. But don't set boundaries to be spiteful either. If you can do mid week evening catch ups and they don't bother you, be a good friend and just do it. Don't try and force her to be someone she isn't. You don't know how she internalises things, you don't know how sleepless her nights really are, you don't know how strained her relationship might be behind closed doors.

I am single, I spend my weekend with friends in couples if they invite me and I am free, or if I invite them and they want to come. Or I see my single friends or read a book or go for a hike. Be grateful for the time you are given, make sure your boundaries are respected but don't make boundaries to be difficult or make a point, only make them if they are real or you might end up with no friend, wishing you'd reacted differently.

Side note...I also occasionally offer to look after children of my 'mum friends', so they can have child free time with their partner or take a nap! Rarely do they say no. Being a good friend is accepting where someone is in their life and doing your best without really putting yourself out. In the future I hope my friends will be grateful that I was so accommodating with my time when they were navigating the first years of being mothers whilst maintaining a romantic relationship. Things some people really struggle with.

X

You've said you don't know anyone else in town but her. The house you're buying needs major reno work. She can't be really bothered with you other than the bare minimum. She just doesn't sound much like a friend to me, and you sound as if you are just a convenience to her. And frankly it sounds as if she plans to keep you as a friend in case she 'needs' you somewhere down the line. This means you may get 'phased out' if someone who better suits your role comes along.

Are you absolutely sure you want to make this move? I think if I were you and it isn't too late, I'd be reevaluating the whole move and taking a very close look at what I might be leaving behind if I relocated.

@UnUdderOne - oh its a bit more complicated but not really relevant to the story - I bought part of the property a few years ago when I was down here which is when I met her actually. I have just bought another part of the property. Buying the property had absolutely nothing to do with her.

I do not pop. Ever. Although now its been brought up she did pop around mid morning on a work day a couple of weeks ago.

@UnUdderOne

Why have you moved within two minutes of her? We had someone do this to us and it felt really claustrophobic as they kept popping round, so we put in some boundaries and they moved house.

It had occurred to me that this might be part of it, too, especially if the friendship has usually been at a distance, and has involved some quite intense/dark stuff that bonded the two of them -- it might feel as if this stuff is suddenly threatening to erupt far too close to home?

I do not pop. Ever.

@AcrossthePond55 - all very good points! I've decided I"m not going to move here this year and next year will move somewhere nearby why the works are being done. Doing the works is not a committment to me living here thankfully!

I'm getting the property ready to rent at the moment. Theoretically.

I was going to say YANBU but then realised I have single friends who ask me to do things at the weekend, and mostly I don't/can't. It's family time for us. I realise, typing it here, that it sounds selfish, but my friends don't realise how busy weeknights are after work/school/clubs/homework. And I don't want to bore them with mundane details of my hum drum mum life. I would likely suggest a weeknight dinner etc too. Also, my husband likes my friends, but he does not want to hang out in a threesome with them at the weekend. If someone suggested a roast, I would worry it they were expecting a long, lazy afternoon like the olden days where you'd sit for hours over a bottle of wine, whereas is reality it's ordering as soon as you sit down, colouring books, eating the food and then going. Sorry OP, I think sometimes it's just different life stages. There's no harm in telling her how you feel.

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@AcrossthePond55 - all very good points! I've decided I"m not going to move here this year and next year will move somewhere nearby why the works are being done. Doing the works is not a committment to me living here thankfully![/quote]
It's very good for you that you have the option of holding off on moving! And setting it up as a rental property is a perfect solution.

Since you mention moving 'somewhere nearby', I'm assuming then that you like the area 'for itself' rather than that you're just moving there to be near your friend? I guess just be prepared to move there and then set up your own 'friendship circle' of people who DO have the time and desire to spend time 'hanging out' as one would do if relocating to an area where one didn't know anyone.

do not pop. Ever.

I like you, OP

But I'm here on my own and don't know anyone and it would have been nice to have done some things with her on the weekend while I was here. There are lots of really lovely things to do here.

Your lack of a social life isn’t her problem, maybe getting out and meeting new people is a better idea?

For me at that time, weekends were sacred. It was the only time my sister or parents or MIL could visit from hours away. With both of us working having two days just for us to do the stuff we needed and wanted to do together was important.

I ran a support group for a while and the feedback was always that many parents couldn’t do a weekend as it was family time, could we run a midweek group as that was much better for mums and their babies to come along.

Her having different priorities on her time to you doesn’t mean she doesn’t value your friendship.

Would you describe yourself as lonely op?
What’s your wider friend and family situation like?

* I have form for ghosting when I can't face conflict. I*

Seriously

I ran a support group for a while and the feedback was always that many parents couldn’t do a weekend as it was family time, could we run a midweek group as that was much better for mums and their babies to come along

Works for SAHMs, perhaps. Not so much for mums who work.

All I can say about this thread is that there is a massive amount of overanalysing. Having friends really should not be this complicated. And loads of people see friends at weekends, but maybe it is about life stage.

@BoredZelda - I'm down here temporarily for a few weeks! I'm not sure I'd describe it as lacking a social life!

It sounds very much to me as if she works part time, her DH works full time
Mom-Fri, she does all the childcare including night wakings and he is expecting/she has decided to keep the peace that weekends are sacrosanct to do things together or meet people he has more in common with as a couple or a family. Babies demand attention and if you are out with all three of them it is likely that in the normal order of things he would pick up the childcare to allow you two to chat.
He may not want to do that. Or, it may be that she would rather talk to you without having a baby hanging off her and is suggesting times to get together when the baby is asleep.
Your planning isn't just with her but with all three of them. If he is limiting her social activities, don't give up on her too lightly; she may need a friend if it goes too far.

I don't read her text as passive aggressive, but that she really wants to maintain contact with you in spite of limited availability from her side, which may not be her choice.

Yep I like the area itself and would enthusiastically get out and meet people. I've moved quite a lot over the years and that doesn't really worry me.

Has she mentally put herself in the role of 'therapist' in your life, hence the weird 'boundary' term?

Not all friendships are meant to last forever. This one has probably run it's natural course.

@Aderyn21 = yeah I think there's a lot of that weird dynamic going on. Which I accept equal responsibility for.

[quote thing47]@Amibeinghighmaintenance, OP you're just as entitled to have preferences (boundaries) as she is. So if she doesn't want to meet at weekends (for whatever reason) and you don't want to meet during the week (because you're working), then that's your answer really, isn't it?

If you wanted to make one last effort you could say something like "I'm sorry but I'm just too tired to meet up after a long day at work. I can always meet up at weekend though so let you know when you're free and we can sort something out" and leave it at that. See what she comes back with.[/quote]
Pretty much what I was about to post. She has declared her boundaries, you can declare yours and if never the twain shall meet, so be it. And I would do exactly what @thing47 suggests and leave the ball in her court.

Why don't you just ask her why she doesn't make plans with you at the weekend and say you feel hurt. That's not confrontation, it's just giving her a reason to explain.

I'm down here temporarily for a few weeks! I'm not sure I'd describe it as lacking a social life!

It still isn't her problem you have no-one else to play with.

Works for SAHMs, perhaps. Not so much for mums who work.

Yep. And the reason I couldn't do a midweek group was because I worked full time too. It was just unfortunate that the vast majority of those in this particular group tended to be SAHMs due to the nature of the support they needed. That's why I handed the group over to someone who could do midweek and continued a different sort of catch up for us working mums.

And loads of people see friends at weekends, but maybe it is about life stage.

This is exactly it. By the time our daughter was at school, weekends became easier for us as we then had 13 weeks of school holidays, and both our parents had retired so could do midweek visits.

YABU.

I work really hard during the week, and my weekends are my time ... She has every right to hunker down with her family if she wants to. You can't dictate her social calendar.