Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

@JuergenSchwarzwald

I ran a support group for a while and the feedback was always that many parents couldn’t do a weekend as it was family time, could we run a midweek group as that was much better for mums and their babies to come along

Works for SAHMs, perhaps. Not so much for mums who work.

All I can say about this thread is that there is a massive amount of overanalysing. Having friends really should not be this complicated. And loads of people see friends at weekends, but maybe it is about life stage.

Exactly. I don’t get people who just drop their friends when a child comes along.

There are 52 weekends in a year. If people cannot make the effort to continue friendships for at least one of those weekends then don’t be offended if they are not there when you suddenly decide that you can spare some of your “family time” or god forbid your relationship breaks down

@LaChanticleer - do you not have friends that you enjoy spending time with?

Sounds like she's decided that now she's married and a parent and you're not, you are now lesser than her, no longer an equal and as such no longer worthy of her time.

There is a lot of this kind of attitude about.

Have you seen her in person since her boundary message?

It may be worth going for dinner just to find out what's going on. I can kind of see why if you had a young DC and busy weeks you'd prioritise family activities at the weekend, I didn't as I was desperate for adult child free company, but I guess if you add anxiety into the mix she may only be able to cope by compartmentalising things.

I'd go to dinner with an open mind. Friendship may be dead in the water, or at this point in time this may be the only way she feels she can see you.

@TicTacHoh

I was going to say YANBU but then realised I have single friends who ask me to do things at the weekend, and mostly I don't/can't. It's family time for us. I realise, typing it here, that it sounds selfish, but my friends don't realise how busy weeknights are after work/school/clubs/homework. And I don't want to bore them with mundane details of my hum drum mum life. I would likely suggest a weeknight dinner etc too. Also, my husband likes my friends, but he does not want to hang out in a threesome with them at the weekend. If someone suggested a roast, I would worry it they were expecting a long, lazy afternoon like the olden days where you'd sit for hours over a bottle of wine, whereas is reality it's ordering as soon as you sit down, colouring books, eating the food and then going. Sorry OP, I think sometimes it's just different life stages. There's no harm in telling her how you feel.

But for one Saturday/Sunday out of 7 weeks that the OP is there, how hard would it be to leave the kids with their father and spend time with a friend?

@rookiemere - yep - I was all understanding about The Boundary. Went around there for pizza dinner - lovely and appreciated (I did offer to cook at mine).

Heard all about their catch up with their friends on the weekend. Friend made an arsey comment about how I didn't seem as free to catch up during the day (I had a super busy week). But it was fine.

I've just gotten arsey as time has passed. Especially yesterday when I got an arsey message about not texting and a photo of them out and about.

I think that she has a lot of shit going on probably and indeed who knows what's going on behind closed doors - but that was really what I was interested in - how understanding should I be and at what point do I go this is actually not being "respectful" (very much for want of a better word).

(and yes I do realise that there is a degree of irony in me spending all this time on mumsnet during working hours when I am apparently just too busy to catch up during working hours. But to be clear I was happy with some work day catch up where balanced - and I was getting myself into a right stew and needed to seek mumsnet counsel)

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

There's nothing wrong with a weekday dinner as such. But I'm here on my own and don't know anyone and it would have been nice to have done some things with her on the weekend while I was here. There are lots of really lovely things to do here.

So for sure - I imagine her AIBU would be - my friends down here for seven weeks and expects me to catch up with her on the weekend when I only want to see her during the week. On the weekends I want to catch up with my family and friends.

I suppose I thought that I feel within the friends category and I don't. Which hurts.

Tbh Op I think she might find the whole " here for 7 weeks,lets have lots of fun" quite overwhelming. Her DM visits on Saturdays so that only leaves Sundays and my heart would sink at feeling obliged to see someone every Sunday. For her to need to state her " boundary" is quite firm stuff.

@Amibeinghighmaintenance
I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think she has decided that your time is less important that hers and your job in the friendship is to be available when she wants, but with no flexibility on her part.

She wont leave the house for weekday meet ups, she wont meet you at weekend. She knows you are only there for a few weeks so it's not like you are going to take a huge amount of time.

I'd keep it civil but emotionally expect less from her. She is not a friend. This is not how you treat friends.

@StEval - I really didn't expect to see her every weekend at all. She however has expected to see me every week during the workday and is a bit arsey that this is not easy for me to keep doing that.

I totally get this, if she is socialising with other couples/families on the weekend - why couldn't she say, we are going to such and such a place - might be a bit chaotic with kids but you are welcome to come along?? Her approach is hurtful especially as you don't know many people in the area.

She is throwing you a bone and expecting you to be grateful.

Oh sorry I thought I'd read properly but I may have missed you were round.

I suspect most of this is to do with her anxiety. So she's ok on a walk outside with DC but not on her own in a cafe ( obviously with you) and maybe now anxious about going out without DC

I don't know, I'm making it up. Bottom line is if spending time with her isn't enjoyable or you feel the constraints and demands are too much, then you shouldn't do it. I wouldn't have a dramatic friendship break up but you're perfectly ok to say you're tired during the week and as weekends don't work for her, you'll need to leave it for a bit.

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@StEval - I really didn't expect to see her every weekend at all. She however has expected to see me every week during the workday and is a bit arsey that this is not easy for me to keep doing that.[/quote]
Perhaps thats how it felt to her though?

You are on different schedules then?
Not much to be done if you cant agree?

I'm wondering if it's because you're single. When I was single, loads of my married friends ignored me at weekends, but couldn't get enough of me during the week!

I chose to believe it was because I was gorgeous and they were all terrified their husbands would want to run away with me. It wasn't, but the thought cheered me up.

If I had a single friend move to my area, who was obviously keen to meet people and socialise, I would totally involve them in my social plans (if they wanted to join). I can't imagine anyone who I socialise with objecting to this - as they are typically inclusive and 'the more the merrier' sorts. Obviously most people like to socialise at the weekend when they have full free days without early starts. Don't feel like you should put yourself out for her, she clearly is not prepared to put herself out for you.

@StEval - I honestly can't see why she would have felt like that but of course that doesn't mean she didn't. And I only have my perspective.

To me it was just the suddenness after I'd been here for I think two weeks and had just casually suggested a roast or brunch one day on the weekend for of The Boundary being imposed and no weekends being declared.

i do agree that that she obviously has her own feelings. I feel like I've gotten out all my drama about it now so can actually be reasonable about it with her in person!

@SudaneseHipHopFan - I feel the same! And honestly i can have a good chat with a lamppost. And I have a very cute dog.

You're being U and, frankly, a bit odd.

Her partner works full time, therefore their weekends are clearly to do things as a couple.

(Before anyone hyperventilates about it - dog and child not a problem at all. I have asked every single time many times if it is okay to bring and we supervise closely and not at all the issue!)

Although do you think her partner may have a problem with you? Only explanation I can think is 'reasonable' is if for some reason you and he don't get along.

@SudaneseHipHopFan - who knows but I honestly don't think so. When I went around last time he said "oh we haven't seen you for ages so lovely to see you". We had a good chat. He hung out with us the whole time. I would genuinely be very surprised if he had a problem with me. He also doesn't have a problem with the dog. In fact he made a special meal for my dog because he was worried that he would feel left out while we all ate dinner.

Really weird then. Unless you know her 'too well' and she is worried about two worlds colliding - the version of her that you know and the version of her that she presents to her current social circle.

@TheRealityCheque - you've called it - I am indeed an oddball who sometimes interacts with people who are married outside work hours. The horror.

Ah I'm afraid I do this a bit. It's def not that I do it to class B friends.'I just really don't like to leave my husband too much on a weekend with the kids. I do do it but try and limit how much I do as like to spend time as a family