Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

I think that this is because you are only there for 7 weeks. On your own admission you haven't put any effort into establishing social networks yet so are perhaps being somewhat over reliant on seeing your friend. Even if you don't realise that is what you are doing.

And from her point of view her Weekends may be pretty much planned for the time you are there.

Surelybtheres a compromise here somewhere.

@Monopolyiscrap

OP your role is to provide a companion when she hasn't got anything else arranged.

This, unfortunately. I’m experiencing exactly the same and it’s meant the friendship has all but died.

@Monopolyiscrap is there a reason why you're trying to dominate this thread? You've already stated your view. You don't need to reply to everyone who has a different viewpoint from you. It's a bit tedious.

[quote ADisgruntledPelican]@Monopolyiscrap is there a reason why you're trying to dominate this thread? You've already stated your view. You don't need to reply to everyone who has a different viewpoint from you. It's a bit tedious.[/quote]
Who made you a Mumsnet thread police? Are you the only one allowed to ask someone else's opinions?

I think @Monopolyiscrap is right on the money actually.

This friend sounds like those many people who forget about their single friends or see them as a fall back.

@TheOccupier

Fellow singleton here and I feel your pain - some of my married friends do this. I'd see her if and when it suits you but don't make any special effort.

Echo all of this.

[quote ADisgruntledPelican]@Monopolyiscrap is there a reason why you're trying to dominate this thread? You've already stated your view. You don't need to reply to everyone who has a different viewpoint from you. It's a bit tedious.[/quote]
Don't be the thread police. It's not a good look.

I would feel exactly the same OP.

I'm so sorry but an age 15mth old she is probably absolutely on the floor wrecked. I was and I look at my friends in that group now and I think oh my god it's so hard. Then you get to the weekend and you're just broken and grateful to not move or have people over or anything. I am so sorry but I'd definitely meet during the week but I do see people's points.

Hi all - more interesting perspectives!

To someone who asked about whether its more I'm a support person than a friendship - I think that may be one of the core reasons for the issues here. We were both in a really bad place when we met and very much our conversations have revolved around big I "Issues", trauma etc. She was very supportive of me and I can't fault her on that. I have done OODLES of work on myself - quite clearly still a work in progress (!?) but I'm in a really good place now. Really chilled and happy. But I think that it has been a problem shifting the relationship into a positive just enjoying hanging out dynamic. I've realised that she still has a lot of stuff to work through and she's still "in it" I bit more than I thought.

I've also just realised that in one of our first freezing cold beach walks when we got here she made a huge deal out of wanting to tell me "because she's my friend" that she really doesn't think that I should do the renovation work I am planning on the property. One of the reasons I'm down here is to meet with the architect etc. Because she has renovated her house she knows how stressful it would be and doesn't think that I should do it. She went on about it for about an hour. Totally only because she's my good friend. My other friends came and said oh my god that will be amazing what a fab thing to do...So I do think that there might be an element of just really not wanting to shift the dynamic to the positive and away from the negative.

I do think that I probably had unrealistic expectations of spending time with her too which I do accept.

Well there we go. I know myself very well - still things to work on like I said! I suspect I shall do the slow fade....

Thanks all

Its give and take both sides. My friend husb retired so I dont get called on as much now. Op its hard.

This friend has a 15 month old baby fgs, of course her friends aren't a priority.
One of our friends in the friendship group complained bitterly about another, 'Not coming out anymore'. I tried to explain he was saving his marriage, to no avail.

I have to say I think friends can protrude too much into new and young families. It's difficult to find a balance.

It's odd that she has a "boundary" if not doing things on the weekend with you. I can understand that she'd want to have mostly family time at the weekend, but to exclude weekends entirely does seem to me that you've been relegated to the category B friend unfortunately. So YANBU, I'd stop bothering with her a bit too, relegate her to whatever version of friendship category B is for you.

I think you do sound quite intense in your attitude to the friendship - as if you'd had rather high hopes of spending time with her and are struggling a bit with letting that go. Perhaps you've been pushing a bit for weekend meet-ups? I also think she is arranging things in a way that suits her - but what that does to you is make you feel less valued.

Tbh, it does read a bit, by your account, as if she has been reading advice to new mothers of the type that stresses how different their lives are now from the pre-child era, how important it is for mothers to have 'boundaries' particularly wrt non-mothers, and that children/'family time' trump everything else. The use of 'boundary' and the seeming assumption that you can drop everything in the week (in office hours!) to see her suggest that. She's been taking you for granted and she's puzzled you've gone quiet, hence her text. And i also think the preceived neatness of couple socialising (in her eyes) has something to do with it, yes. And I can see how hurtful that is.

I think you are going to need to talk about this with her, if the friendship matters to you. She may have genuinely not wanted to hurt you and be horrified and mortified. She may not.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

You're not asking for every weekend or all weekend, surely she could do a lunch or dinner with you once in a while, as she's a friend and she knows you don't have many contacts in the area yet.

Oh, I've just seen your last post.

You're definitely on the right track, but I would put it more plainly: envy. She'd rather have you where you were. As it is, she's clearly feeling the strain of the non-sleeping child and seeing you forge ahead with life and psychological health may be taking her to places she doesn't want to go. She didn't mean 'because I'm your friend' because she wants the best for you, she meant it in a 'so we stay on the same level psychologically [or me a bit ahead of you]' sort of way.

I think normally there would some compromise here. Weekdays work better for her and weekends work better for you, so you'd expect to do some of both, unless she really has a very good reason. I would have thought you would explain to her why weekends work better for you, and tell her you can still meet weekdays if weekends are really hard for her, but you were just wondering why.....?

If there isn't much of a reason, and she remains inflexible, then I'm afraid you will have to accept that you aren't top of her priorities. Then it's up to you to decide how much spending time with her is worth.

I do find it strange that she complains about you not answering texts while reserving her weekends for others. I'd like to know why!

@WeWashEverythingExceptLaundry - I think that there is some truth in that and the relationship has been a bit intense over all on both sides since started for the trauma reasons I mentioned above. If this had happened a few years ago I would have mahoosively overreacted!

I really really did not pressure her at all re weekends though and I am genuinely perplexed where it came from. And I do think that whilst I may still be overreacting a bit emotionally - the position where I've ended up is that it really doesn't work for me to be so one sided in terms of flexibility etc.

I think that probably the reality is that the friendship has run its course. And I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing as I think that friendships that are forged based on a shared sense of trauma can become problematic.

I have kids and a hubby and I still see my single friends at the weekend, or midweek. I even generally ask when is best for them as I do not currently work and know they do.

Question you have to ask yourself is so you want to carry on with the friendship? If you don't mind losing the friendship then either back off or be truely honest and tell her how you feel. If she sees it from how you are seeing it, maybe she will think that she is being a bit unfair herself.

Nothing lost, nothing gained...

She should have made an effort for a coffee once at least, that's pretty poor form. I do think you are just a B-list friend unfortunately. And I would reconsider moving to such a small town if you're single and sociable, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

However the thing with a couple hanging out with a single person is that it only works if all three are actually friends or get along well. Otherwise the husband is coming along for a girly chat between his wife and her bestie and he understandably has no interest in it. He probably doesn't particularly like you or the wife sees you as her friend only and doesn't want her husband changing the dynamic. Poor form, they should both have made the effort at least once, so again, you just aren't that good friends. It's so harsh when you realise it but the sooner the better. Move on.

To be fair I'm sure that she would have her own side to this this which also had many valid points. I think that its just not working anymore!

@sonjadog

I think if someone declared A Boundary to me in those terms, it would probably mean the friendship would be on the way out for me. No problem with understanding that people are busy, have other friends, no expectation of being anyone's top priority. But I just find it a bit rude and like they want to make a point of how not important you are. I wouldn't get into a discussion with them about it, but I would just focus my time and energies elsewhere and let them become a peripheral person in my life.

At least you found out what this would be like before you moved there, OP.

This, exactly. If she actually used the word 'boundary' I'd be done with her right away, tbh. We shouldn't be treating each other like case studies in some godawful book about assertiveness, yuck.

I don't think you're a category B friend. I reserve weekends for my DP, DD and I to all spend together. Occasionally I make plans for a Sunday but Saturday is our day all together.

She may only work a few days but her DP probably wants his weekends with them, assuming he works all week.

I wouldn't be concerned by this and just meet days that suit you both.

At the end of the day op, if you enjoy talking to this person or hanging out just make sure it's on your terms too. If she says come over for dinner on x day, say I can't, but I can do y day. If she says no, say oh well let's try again a different week. Don't make yourself too available and if she enjoys your friendship she will find a way to see you again.

And no I won't be moving here! I will do the property renovation but move to another place nearby but not here!! It has been an excellent test run. Its a great place but very small and I do think I would struggle to build up a social network.